Dear God, just be very present within my house, among my children and in my marriage today. Thank you for knowing what words can not define in my heart. Amen.

Do you remember?

for me, a flash of the past and my first moment of "the good ole' days" came while watching my daughter.

I remember being able to connect with the ball, like knowing exactly where it was planning to go and being there to control it. It was like, at times, I was just in motion- not thinking just reacting like the cheesy saying, "be the ball". I remember the freedom and the glory of playing the game. My mind reminds me of the moments where life stopped and total abandon set in. I was a warrior in a battle and fought with all I had and in the end whether victory or defeat came to me, I knew I had given it all and was a champion regardless of worldly results. To me, the game was bigger than life and was where I drew my strength and where I could always let go and be me without holding back. I think the thing I miss the most is the sheer freedom without judgement. Or maybe for me, on the field is the only place I felt "myself".

what 8-16-08 (unfinished)

what do you do when it all weights too much? How do you turn advice and cliches into daily steps to manage the burdens that sometimes absorb all life? It's been so long since I have wanted to share my thoughts because it hurts too much to know I, again, was broken. I know the short version... I took my eyes off the Lord and decided to go at life alone. The much longer version is a kind of adventure where I grew some, shut out the world some, wrapped myself up in denial some and stepped out some. I am realizing that, as I have been on many journeys, this journey was one of age and the reality of those life events you can't dodge no matter how far you go to be a shut in. And even then, you still can't get around the pain and triumph that comes with sharing and building a family.

The most traumatic day ever....

Ok, for the most traumatic day ever.... She gets up and helps get the kids get ready for school. Today they aren't in such a rush so, it is a good day. The older kids catch the bus and it's off to take the little one (lily-one) to Kindergarten. It's a little drive of 10 or so minutes and in that time they chat and laugh as they periodically stop to sing along with the background music. The school carpool line appears all too fast and it's off to work and back to reality with her thoughts. As she drives to work a song comes on the radio called "Jesus bring the rain" and she catches a few moments of morning worship. Thankful is where her thoughts go and flashes of the little things that make life here worth the wait come and go through her mind. The exit she takes everyday, to work comes up and again. reality sets in. As she waits at the light, just a minute from the door of her office, she glances at the people in the cars around her and wonders if they know the joy she does; are they happy, she's wondering what their story is. The light changes and she is off... in an instant-out of the corner of her eye she sees the SUV to her left has come to a screeching halt. She reacts and does that same, in that millisecond, just inches away form sure death, a firetruck speeds through the intersection in route to a nearby emergency. It was Too close to feel like I escaped but, far enough to start to appreciate it.

This was my morning