Today it just struck me that I am fearful of so much more than I should be. As a child of God, my only fear is to be that of God and nothing else because the things of this world are not my concern.… What brought this thought on is, the ride to the hospital this morning to see my ill grandmother. She has been ill for the past 4 days and I knew that but I didn't go see her until she took a turn for the worst (FYI: no, she did not die, she is better now). As I drove and prayed I was at a loss as to how to pray for her. I actually thought that maybe it would be better if God just went ahead and took her to heaven... then I realized, who would that be better for?
I can name 5 legitimate reasons why couldn't go see her this week but, the truth is much more clear. I am fearful of illness and death. I think that for many reasons I associate all manners of departing, whether it be by death, moving, divorce or whatever, I see it as abandonment and that is my biggest hurt ever. So I am very guarded around my relationships that illness enters into. I used to think it was just my poor time-management but I know now, that it is rooted in fear and causing a stumbling block in my ability to support and serve those that are ill, in the love of Christ.
Fear has even has corrupted a most special relationship of mine with a friend because she got ill. I pulled away probably when she could have used my help and support the most, so I prayed... God, what is it in me that clings to this fear? Am I scared that if one more person passes or moves that I will be broken into tiny pieces? How do I doubt you and your ability to take care of me after everythingyou have brought me out from. How can I have one little bit, much less a mountain, of fear? And why would I rather hold on to that fear instead of bringing it to you and living free?
There are so many things that I just don’t have the answer to and coming to the realization of that is half the battle. Now it’s consciously seeking God and changing my actions in these situations that will help me handle what I can and to be still when I can’t. So, “I don’t know isn’t a horrible place… it’s a starting place.
