Well, just a short blurb that goes to show just how i can get off the focus of the day... I have been, pretty consistently, pushing this thought to the back of my mind. So, instead of ignoring it, I am bringing it to the light... I don't know if i can handle the fact that next year, Eli will enter kindergarten and Zach, well Zach will be a Senior in high school.
Overwhelmed is an understatement. My oldest will be preparing to fly on his own and my youngest... it will mark the end of the days we can just stay home and cuddle all morning watching cartoons, singing silly songs and reading books in bed at lunch time. Not only for E and I but for me... forever. A change of season is close on the horizon and I am not ready.
God,
you know my heart and my inner most thoughts and fears so, you already know that I am a bit wobbly on the inside. You also know that I tend to focus on anything but what hurts. So God as I begin on this journey I pray that you and I find a closer place of meeting, that as you grow me and stretch me I may come through this transition knowing you more.
I thank you Father for being a God that stays with us through the whine, the anger, the pity, the rebellion and the joy of coming around. You may not agree or will us to take the long road but you are a loving and patient God that is willing if we are willing.
Thank you for blessing me beyond what I could imagine.
In the most precious name of Jesus I pray, AMEN
August 22, 2006
just being OK
I have been burdened lately by my excessive need for more. A new house, a new car, new furniture, a beautifully landscaped yard (not by me) and a maid. These are just some of the things that cross my mind in my daydreams. These are just the thoughts that effect me, I could think about all of the opportunities available to my children things they could benefit from and struggle with over booking them too.
How do I get so discontent?
I believe that my discontentment comes from my perspective (or my focus). I think when I concentrate on the things I do not have it really effects the things that I am blessed with. Considering my past and the fact that I never dreamed of a future because I didn't think I would have one, makes it all the worse. I do stand with my last blog that this is a society of ADD and ADHD handicapped peoples. I don't think you have to be diagnosed with it to struggle with it. My understanding is that basically it's the inability to maintain focus or composure in a public or private environment. There is a difference in suffering with this very real condition and the manner in which I am using the terms (loosely to make an observation).
So, back to my struggle. I knowingly suffer with the effects of ADD when it comes to keeping my focus even when its not fun. What do I do about keeping my perspective? So far God has been very faithful to gently remind me of my many blessings, and the fact that I have done nothing to earn them He just loves me and wants me to be happy.
I don't know how to walk that fine line between my hopes and dreams and coveting something that I don't have. I do know that if I am starting my day in the Word of God, staying in touch with my Father throughout the day and making decisions based on His leading then... this wouldn't even be a blog, much less a struggle. So see, it is all in my perspective and what I choose to focus on. today I was just thinking and all of this was to say that today... I am OK with being just OK.
How do I get so discontent?
I believe that my discontentment comes from my perspective (or my focus). I think when I concentrate on the things I do not have it really effects the things that I am blessed with. Considering my past and the fact that I never dreamed of a future because I didn't think I would have one, makes it all the worse. I do stand with my last blog that this is a society of ADD and ADHD handicapped peoples. I don't think you have to be diagnosed with it to struggle with it. My understanding is that basically it's the inability to maintain focus or composure in a public or private environment. There is a difference in suffering with this very real condition and the manner in which I am using the terms (loosely to make an observation).
So, back to my struggle. I knowingly suffer with the effects of ADD when it comes to keeping my focus even when its not fun. What do I do about keeping my perspective? So far God has been very faithful to gently remind me of my many blessings, and the fact that I have done nothing to earn them He just loves me and wants me to be happy.
I don't know how to walk that fine line between my hopes and dreams and coveting something that I don't have. I do know that if I am starting my day in the Word of God, staying in touch with my Father throughout the day and making decisions based on His leading then... this wouldn't even be a blog, much less a struggle. So see, it is all in my perspective and what I choose to focus on. today I was just thinking and all of this was to say that today... I am OK with being just OK.
Things people say
Why is it that ten people can give me a wonderful compliment and one person can say nothing and I will obsess about that one persons silence until I am knocked unconscious or my attention is diverted? What is it in the power I give to that one person that skews my whole outlook of a particular event?
Well, to be completely honest... I suffer from a very low self esteem and a cup half empty complex. I am working on it because I see some of what God has done in me and I like it! still, I wonder why we tend to give people so much thought instead of just being who we are and not making apologies or wishing we were more "normal". I am not going to jump on that soap box but let's just get this clear... THERE IS NO NORMAL!!!!! (There is abnormal... just kidding, I just had to expand on and confuse us all).
I am sure that there are many reasons and theories but I am going to share mine. It's focus, in an ADD - ADHD world we don't know how to keep our focus. As a christian where should my focus be? On God. why? Because if I focus on you or me, I get into HUGE trouble. I make selfish choices and end up isolated and feeling guilty. So, in the word: Job 36:16-22
16 He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food.17 But now you are laden with the judgment due to the wicked; judgment and justice have taken hold of you. 18 Be careful that no-one entices you by riches; do not let a large bribe turn you aside. 19 Would your wealth or even all your mighty efforts sustain you so you would not be in distress? 20 Do not long for the night, to drag people away from their homes. 21 Beware of turning to evil, which you seem to prefer to affliction. 22 God is exalted in his power. Who is a teacher like him?
We are told how it works right here. If we let other people's judgement "laden" us, or let other people entice or influence us, long for wealth or things we don't have because we think they will make us happy, or covet what other people have... it equals - misery. If our focus stays on God and what He has for us: Isiah 48:17-18
17 This is what the LORD says- your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. 18 If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea.
then we are satisfied, wholly and completely. This was really just for me I needed to hear it again because I tend to get caught up in what I think people think and my focus should be on how to please God.
Well, to be completely honest... I suffer from a very low self esteem and a cup half empty complex. I am working on it because I see some of what God has done in me and I like it! still, I wonder why we tend to give people so much thought instead of just being who we are and not making apologies or wishing we were more "normal". I am not going to jump on that soap box but let's just get this clear... THERE IS NO NORMAL!!!!! (There is abnormal... just kidding, I just had to expand on and confuse us all).
I am sure that there are many reasons and theories but I am going to share mine. It's focus, in an ADD - ADHD world we don't know how to keep our focus. As a christian where should my focus be? On God. why? Because if I focus on you or me, I get into HUGE trouble. I make selfish choices and end up isolated and feeling guilty. So, in the word: Job 36:16-22
16 He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food.17 But now you are laden with the judgment due to the wicked; judgment and justice have taken hold of you. 18 Be careful that no-one entices you by riches; do not let a large bribe turn you aside. 19 Would your wealth or even all your mighty efforts sustain you so you would not be in distress? 20 Do not long for the night, to drag people away from their homes. 21 Beware of turning to evil, which you seem to prefer to affliction. 22 God is exalted in his power. Who is a teacher like him?
We are told how it works right here. If we let other people's judgement "laden" us, or let other people entice or influence us, long for wealth or things we don't have because we think they will make us happy, or covet what other people have... it equals - misery. If our focus stays on God and what He has for us: Isiah 48:17-18
17 This is what the LORD says- your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. 18 If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea.
then we are satisfied, wholly and completely. This was really just for me I needed to hear it again because I tend to get caught up in what I think people think and my focus should be on how to please God.
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