Enter: little Baby Girl Doe. I am sure I came in to the world screaming like a banshee and that was an entrance to be the story of my life. I was Baby Girl Doe for a 17 days because I am adopted. I was chosen by my family to complete the perfect family picture. They wanted a baby girl to add to the two boys they had already and got me, Cynthia.
There is a lot of speculation as to the details and since I was but, a wee baby of one or two, I can not say what is truth. Which brings me to a truth in and of itself: the thing about truth is...truth comes from interpretation; you and I could go through the same day but, our truth would be different because of our perspective and our interpretation thereof. So, as I tell my story, my siblings and parents have their own story which probably does not look like mine because of age, maturity, knowledge and perspective. Our truth or story is biased by our emotion and perspective that is what makes it ours. Sharing my story is about sharing the intimate details of what shaped me so that maybe someone out there may not feel so alone or might just learn something from my mistakes or maybe... they will see hope in the midst of my beautiful disaster of a life.
let's fast forward and let me just sum up the first few years as this: there was an adoption and a family of five completed. Then, there was a divorce and a broken family divided. Then soon after,
a new family of 7 came together but, stayed broken and shattered. I was the lucky one, I was the baby and I did not know the pain and destruction that reeked havoc on the lives of those before me. There was not one person left un-scarred and all were emotionally crucified.
I do know one thing now, I know why. I have wondered for years what it was; Why I did I not bond with my Mother...I can see it now. I could not bond with someone who was emotionally unavailable and until this moment, I did not know why. I have scoured my soul for why I seem ambivalent towards her, why I am numb to her pain, her loneliness and her situation in general. I mean I have felt like it was me, like I was this horrible person or that she was this horrible person that I hated and that made me even more horrible. I could not understand why I have emotional ties to everyone in my story but, her...I can not explain it, maybe to everyone else I was the only thing that was not part of the initial destruction but an innocent? either way I did not stay an innocent for too long and reeked plenty of havoc of my own.
My mom however, is the way she is for a reason and the way she connects emotionally is: with men. She can bond with a man in an instant and forgo all else to be and transform into whatever she thinks will please that man. I don't think she planned it that way, I think she was raised to be like that. It is her downfall though because it keeps her from ever seeing the beauty in who she could have been and the happiness she could have had if only, she had chosen to let go of fantasy and live in reality. She is an amazing woman that taught me that no matter what people say you can do, no matter what forces may rage against you...you can. I have seen her accomplish many incredible things and when she puts her mind to something, watch out, come hell or high water she will get what she wants.
My Father, well he was the one I always wanted to be with. I can not explain the complexity of that whole relationship because I am still learning it. He was a solid but soft man. Hard at times and then almost broken at times. He is smart, always looking for more to learn. He is set in his ways a bit of a introvert with a hint of extrovert with the right people. He is skeptical and questioning but, supportive. See. its all a bit confusing still.
Most frequently asked question of an adoptee: Did you feel adopted? No. not until 3rd grade. It was Monday and I had spent all weekend wondering why I felt so left out. My heart actually ached and I did not comprehend why, nor should I have. So I was probably really erratic all weekend because I was feeling with emotions I had no idea how to deal with. When Monday came and it was time for school I was still a wreck. You see, my brother Mark's father (Mom's 2rd husband) John came in to town to visit Mark and all I wanted was to be with then too. Not the normal, they are doing something fun and I felt left out, more like, my heart was actually in pain, I was crushed left out. I was missing a large piece of the puzzle and my parents were about to fill me in. Dad cancelled part of his day and Mom was up and ready as they sat me down.
We had a sun room that separated the master from the rest of the upstairs and this is where my parents sat me down to clue me in to a part of my story I was much too young to know. I remember the bright white and pastel flower upholstery on the couch, the big paned full windows and that I must have been quite a force to be reckoned with for all of this to come about on a school day. I am not sure of all that was said but, this...Cyndi, you are adopted, you know that, what you don't know is that your Mother and John adopted you first as a baby. they were happily married and began the process of adoption which took a year. Within that year things got bad and they decided to divorce but, chose to stay together for another year until the adoption was final.
BOOM! relief struck like lightening..I understood a little of why my heart hurt so much. I actually innately remembered John and missed him. Wow, I bet that caught them off guard in a big way. Who
would have thought I would have had such an adverse reaction to something that I was too young to know about.
We are complicated creatures and our minds/emotions can protect us from things and they can store information that, much like this experience, can bring light to parts of our story. I believe that whole heartedly and as for me, I have many times seen it proven in my life. We are innate beings that are supposed to grow constantly, when we do not there is a reason. I am not a formally educated person (surprise lol) but this I know,
There is a lot of speculation as to the details and since I was but, a wee baby of one or two, I can not say what is truth. Which brings me to a truth in and of itself: the thing about truth is...truth comes from interpretation; you and I could go through the same day but, our truth would be different because of our perspective and our interpretation thereof. So, as I tell my story, my siblings and parents have their own story which probably does not look like mine because of age, maturity, knowledge and perspective. Our truth or story is biased by our emotion and perspective that is what makes it ours. Sharing my story is about sharing the intimate details of what shaped me so that maybe someone out there may not feel so alone or might just learn something from my mistakes or maybe... they will see hope in the midst of my beautiful disaster of a life.
let's fast forward and let me just sum up the first few years as this: there was an adoption and a family of five completed. Then, there was a divorce and a broken family divided. Then soon after,
a new family of 7 came together but, stayed broken and shattered. I was the lucky one, I was the baby and I did not know the pain and destruction that reeked havoc on the lives of those before me. There was not one person left un-scarred and all were emotionally crucified.
I do know one thing now, I know why. I have wondered for years what it was; Why I did I not bond with my Mother...I can see it now. I could not bond with someone who was emotionally unavailable and until this moment, I did not know why. I have scoured my soul for why I seem ambivalent towards her, why I am numb to her pain, her loneliness and her situation in general. I mean I have felt like it was me, like I was this horrible person or that she was this horrible person that I hated and that made me even more horrible. I could not understand why I have emotional ties to everyone in my story but, her...I can not explain it, maybe to everyone else I was the only thing that was not part of the initial destruction but an innocent? either way I did not stay an innocent for too long and reeked plenty of havoc of my own.
My mom however, is the way she is for a reason and the way she connects emotionally is: with men. She can bond with a man in an instant and forgo all else to be and transform into whatever she thinks will please that man. I don't think she planned it that way, I think she was raised to be like that. It is her downfall though because it keeps her from ever seeing the beauty in who she could have been and the happiness she could have had if only, she had chosen to let go of fantasy and live in reality. She is an amazing woman that taught me that no matter what people say you can do, no matter what forces may rage against you...you can. I have seen her accomplish many incredible things and when she puts her mind to something, watch out, come hell or high water she will get what she wants.
My Father, well he was the one I always wanted to be with. I can not explain the complexity of that whole relationship because I am still learning it. He was a solid but soft man. Hard at times and then almost broken at times. He is smart, always looking for more to learn. He is set in his ways a bit of a introvert with a hint of extrovert with the right people. He is skeptical and questioning but, supportive. See. its all a bit confusing still.
Most frequently asked question of an adoptee: Did you feel adopted? No. not until 3rd grade. It was Monday and I had spent all weekend wondering why I felt so left out. My heart actually ached and I did not comprehend why, nor should I have. So I was probably really erratic all weekend because I was feeling with emotions I had no idea how to deal with. When Monday came and it was time for school I was still a wreck. You see, my brother Mark's father (Mom's 2rd husband) John came in to town to visit Mark and all I wanted was to be with then too. Not the normal, they are doing something fun and I felt left out, more like, my heart was actually in pain, I was crushed left out. I was missing a large piece of the puzzle and my parents were about to fill me in. Dad cancelled part of his day and Mom was up and ready as they sat me down.
We had a sun room that separated the master from the rest of the upstairs and this is where my parents sat me down to clue me in to a part of my story I was much too young to know. I remember the bright white and pastel flower upholstery on the couch, the big paned full windows and that I must have been quite a force to be reckoned with for all of this to come about on a school day. I am not sure of all that was said but, this...Cyndi, you are adopted, you know that, what you don't know is that your Mother and John adopted you first as a baby. they were happily married and began the process of adoption which took a year. Within that year things got bad and they decided to divorce but, chose to stay together for another year until the adoption was final.
BOOM! relief struck like lightening..I understood a little of why my heart hurt so much. I actually innately remembered John and missed him. Wow, I bet that caught them off guard in a big way. Who
would have thought I would have had such an adverse reaction to something that I was too young to know about.
We are complicated creatures and our minds/emotions can protect us from things and they can store information that, much like this experience, can bring light to parts of our story. I believe that whole heartedly and as for me, I have many times seen it proven in my life. We are innate beings that are supposed to grow constantly, when we do not there is a reason. I am not a formally educated person (surprise lol) but this I know,
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