Why I share openly...

A few years back, when my children were younger, my eldest, was in middle school. He had a very good friend and that friend's and I's mother became acquaintances. We took the boys to the pool one day and I shared my testimony... wholly, brutally, honestly and fully open for probably, one of the first times ever, to somebody outside of my church. This was raw and probably too much detail but, I was excited and happy to share the transformation that God has done in my life...I AM NOT WHO I ONCE WAS.

Fast forward a few weeks and I get a call from that same family asking us to come over, they had something to discuss with us. My husband and I agreed and we went over. We sat down at the table and they began to tell us that our son had stolen money from them. Before we could speak they said, since my testimony, that I shared, spoke to that that... they knew my son had stolen the money. They judged my son by MY testimony and I began to weep. I mean, I can't say have wept a lot in my life or if ever...but, I wept. As I sat there trying to contain my sobs, my husband grew more tense. As soon as they were done speaking, There was not a rebuttal...I could not speak and to be honest, my husband was about ready to punch somebody. They wanted to end in prayer so we prayed and we left. 

I could barely breathe from trying to choke down the complete devastation I felt. As I got in the car, my first words between my sobs were, "I will never ever share my story again. If this is what it feels like to be transparent and share my testimony freely... I want no part of it". My sweet, wise, husband took my hand; looked me straight in the face and said, "no this is why you will continue to share your story. If you share your story... what people do with that is out of your control. If you are called to share what God has done in you...it is not about you, you are redeemed, it is about them".

Why did I choose to write about this today? God's reminder to me is...I got a job where I have to pass their house every single day. Driving by, it reminds me of that time although it's still painful and has brought me to tears sometimes, it's a different pain, a kind of righteously angry pain. I have compassion for that family but, I will never understand their judgement of my son based on a story I told of God's love for me.

I just thought maybe somebody needed to hear it, maybe even you. We are called to testify, not for us but, for others. I have shared my story openly many times but, the lesson that first time...gave me a strength I may not have had without that experience.

LIES

for so many years now I have known that one of my God-give purposes was to write a book. Not a book for me but, to tell anyone who needs to know that NO MATTER YOUR CIRCUMSTANCES, there is always hope.

I was born in New Orleans in 1968. My birth Mother chose to give me up for adoption to my Mother and her then husband. Ok so, two things stand out to me here. #1. She "gave me up for adoption".  Is that the best we can do, tell little humans that they were "given up"? I truly believe that was the phrase that spoke the beginning lies to my heart..."you are not worthy of love".  I am not assigning blame, it has no blame... it is a tactic to cripple God's children.

Next is the issue that my Mother's husband at the time "gave me up" to give me a chance at a whole family. Another confirmation of the lie...I am unloveable.

I came at a time that my mother had left her husband and my Father had left his family for them to be together. As you can probably guess, not an ideal time for a needy baby...everyone was fighting for their life and in a constant circle of turmoil and chaos.  Even at a young age I felt "unwanted". not because of a lack of love but, I truly believe I innately felt the pain and wanting of the situation that I was born in to over the love that was showered on me. The second lie, "I am unwanted".

As far back as I can remember, I was needy, empty, a handful. I stole things I could have if I just asked as a child. I tested every limit and I was wild. I do not understand this, I wanted for nothing, I had anything I wanted and I wanted for nothing. I had everything except for the things I thought happy kids had.so I thought if I had them...I would be happy too. I do not know why I was not happy on the inside. I played outside, had toys and was well cared for. My mental state is something I can not explain however, another lie was fostered in my heart..."I am not normal".

I had\have a severe fear of being left. I believe that I, as a baby, felt the tear of the bonds each time I was given up. I was clingy, needy because I was feeling "left". My mother always gets angry when I mention Conception. She was a governess that we had when we lived in Garland. I remember her because she used to bathe me, do my hair and she played with me. I remember her ver fondly but, she was just gone one day and I never got to say goodbye. Once again, I am left with a lie..."I am unloveable", "something is wrong with me", I am not enough".

Next was school. I was severely dyslexic before dyslexia was even a thing. I remember that I went to St. Johns, I am guessing maybe 2nd and third grade. I would go to class in the morning then spend the whole day with Mrs. Wascomb. She taught me to read, write and to do basic math. I remember that I reached a big goal and she took me to get my ears pierced as a prize. I internalized my deficit and it became another lie, "I am stupid", "I am different".

The thing with lies of the heart...they become what you believe, they become your truth. You become crippled and never even know that mentally and emotionally, you are broken. Age is not a factor these lies, they can begin early and no one even knows they are there. These lies, they eat at you and destroy your ability to give and accept love. It robs you of coping mechanisms, you are so focused on trying to be loved that you can not cope with anything else.

My youth was not horrible and all bad...I was loved (even if I didn’t t feel it). I was well cared for and I really had a charmed life, if you just took a glance. I loved sports...the one place I could own was on any  field, court or track in sports. This is where I was confident, I fit in and I excelled. This is where I got my approval.

The lies that were tattooed on my heart left me crippled, unable to love or accept love freely. These lies bound my heart ad set my course for self-destruction.

I could write stories of why i know this is truth, experiences that speak for themselves to my self-destructive behavior but, I will spare you and condense it all. Lets just say, drugs mixed with self destructive behavior and a teen angst that would make Avril Lavigne shutter, was my adolescence. I was bound up, broken and just looking for some kind of relief from anywhere.

It took many years  for me to see, learn and grow through these lies, that is why I write. I hope that maybe something in my story will resonate with you and you too will be freed. That you too will learn how to differentiate between the lies and truth and find the freedom to be you. That you find that there is no normal and that life is not fair but, that is not a reflection of you. I pray you know that you are loved, you are important and you are enough.

 

WISHES LOST

I wish I had just come to say goodbye and told you all of what you did for me.

I wish I had told you how much you changed my heart just by your example.

I wish I had kept in better touch and told you often just how much I love you.

I wish I had made more time to come and just hang out, sit on your bed and chat about all the old and new happenings.

I wish you knew that when you felt your most unstable, you gave me stability.

I wish we could tell stories and belly laugh until the tears run down our cheeks and our stomachs hurt from laughter.

I wish someone was left that knew...all the things and understood me anyway. You were ALWAYS a safe place for me, thank you for loving me unconditionally.

I am resolved that you are gone and happy that you have found peace. 

I will miss you dearly...I know I will see you again someday but my world is forever changed without you here.

 2/11/2021