I was here

Enter: little Baby Girl Doe. I am sure I came in to the world screaming like a banshee and that was an entrance to be the story of my life. I was Baby Girl Doe for a 17 days because I am adopted. I was chosen by my family to complete the perfect family picture. They wanted a baby girl to add to the two boys they had already and got me, Cynthia.

There is a lot of speculation as to the details and since I was but, a wee baby of one or two, I can not say what is truth. Which brings me to a truth in and of itself: the thing about truth is...truth comes from interpretation; you and I could go through the same day but, our truth would be different because of our perspective and our interpretation thereof. So, as I tell my story, my siblings and parents have their own story which probably does not look like mine because of age, maturity, knowledge and perspective. Our truth or story is biased by our emotion and perspective that is what makes it ours. Sharing my story is about sharing the intimate details of what shaped me so that maybe someone out there may not feel so alone or might just learn something from my mistakes or maybe... they will see hope in the midst of my beautiful disaster of a life.

let's fast forward  and let me just sum up the first few years as this: there was an adoption and a family of five completed. Then, there was a divorce and a broken family divided. Then soon after,
a new family of 7 came together but, stayed broken and shattered. I was the lucky one, I was the baby and I did not know the pain and destruction that reeked havoc on the lives of those before me. There was not one person left un-scarred and all were emotionally crucified.

I do know one thing now, I know why. I have wondered for years what it was; Why I did I not bond with my Mother...I can see it now. I could not bond with someone who was emotionally unavailable and until this moment, I did not know why. I have scoured my soul for why I seem ambivalent towards her, why I am numb to her pain, her loneliness and her situation in general. I mean I have felt like it was me, like I was this horrible person or that she was this horrible person that I hated and that made me even more horrible. I could not understand why I have emotional ties to everyone in my story but, her...I can not explain it, maybe to everyone else I was the only thing that was not part of the initial destruction but an innocent? either way I did not stay an innocent for too long and reeked plenty of havoc of my own.

My mom however, is the way she is for a reason and the way she connects emotionally is: with men. She can bond with a man in an instant and forgo all else to be and transform into whatever she thinks will please that man. I don't think she planned it that way, I think she was raised to be like that. It is her downfall though because it keeps her from ever seeing the beauty in who she could have been and the happiness she could have had if only, she had chosen to let go of fantasy and live in reality. She is an amazing woman that taught me that no matter what people say you can do, no matter what forces may rage against you...you can. I have seen her accomplish many incredible things and when she puts her mind to something, watch out, come hell or high water she will get what she wants.

My Father, well he was the one I always wanted to be with. I can not  explain the complexity of that whole relationship because I am still learning it. He was a solid but soft man. Hard at times and then almost broken at times. He is smart, always looking for more to learn. He is set in his ways a bit of a introvert with a hint of extrovert with the right people. He is skeptical and questioning but, supportive. See. its all a bit confusing still.

Most frequently asked question of an adoptee: Did you feel adopted? No. not until 3rd grade. It  was Monday and I had spent all weekend wondering why I felt so left out. My heart actually ached and I did not comprehend why, nor should I have. So I was probably really erratic all weekend because I was feeling with emotions I had no idea how to deal with. When Monday came and it was time for school I was still a wreck. You see, my brother Mark's father (Mom's 2rd husband) John came in to town to visit Mark and all I wanted was to be with then too. Not the normal, they are doing something fun and I felt left out, more like, my heart was actually in pain, I was crushed left out. I was missing a large piece of the puzzle and my parents were about to fill me in. Dad cancelled part of his day and Mom was up and ready as they sat me down.

We had a sun room that separated the master from the rest of the upstairs and this is where my parents sat me down to clue me in to a part of my story I was much too young to know. I remember the bright white and pastel flower upholstery on the couch, the big paned full windows and that I must have been quite a force to be reckoned with for all of this to come about on a school day. I am not sure of all that was said but, this...Cyndi, you are adopted, you know that, what you don't know is that your Mother and John adopted you first as a baby. they were happily married and began the process of adoption which took a year. Within that year things got bad and they decided to divorce but, chose to stay together for another year until the adoption was final.

BOOM! relief struck like lightening..I understood a little of why my heart hurt so much. I actually innately remembered John and missed him. Wow, I bet that caught them off guard in a big way. Who
would have thought I would have had such an adverse reaction to something that I was too young to know about.

We are complicated creatures and our minds/emotions can protect us from things and they can store information that, much like this experience, can bring light to parts of our story. I believe that whole heartedly and as for me, I have many times seen it proven in my life. We are innate beings that are supposed to grow constantly, when we do not there is a reason. I am not a formally educated person (surprise lol) but this I know, 

And just like that...

 I would say that we said this phrase before the phrase was actually a phrase but, either way ...

And just like that our whirlwind trip to the beach was planned atop a rooftop with champagne and OJ from the duty store in the hotel lobby downstairs. It was Sunday and we were on the beach by Wednesday! 

We are a fun loving, truth telling, beautiful group of ladies that ebb and flow together as life throws it's rapids, waterfalls and the moments of tranquil waters our way. 

As we land on Wednesday so excited to be taking one last hurrah before we settle down for the end of year chaos and reign, we cheers to us and all that we hold dear.

This trip just happen to fall in October and that's my birthday month so I was super excited to be stealing away. My husband was on a trip to Green Bay so it was an easy sell.

It was a wonderfully relaxing trip full of mimosas, belly laughs and just plain fun.

On Friday we got up and decided to head down to the beach early as to soak up every ray and every bit of the beach we possibly could. We set up our place next to the two families from Nashville that we had met. They were vacationing together and had an adorable middle school girl each that were stuck together like glue. Some intermingling chatting and some drop castles later. My good friend and I...let me pause here for just a minute.

When I say good friend, what I mean is THE friend. The friend that God actually knit me together with at a time when he knew I needed a friend. He knew and He provided the absolute most amazing sister that satisfied that need for a fellow woman to share life with.

Now, my good friend and I ventured out to cool off in the ocean. The ocean was loud and churning but, for the most part we did not notice. We were finding it hard to hear each other and I moved to where I thought she motioned would be better to stand and chat. 

At that moment we looked in each other's eyes and we knew it was possible that this was it. We had stepped into a riptide, we had what seemed like a whole conversation in the milliseconds before the waves began to overtake us. We had said good bye...just in case but, nonetheless we had said it all somehow without saying a word.

She screamed fight! We did, she began to break loose and fight her way towards the sand and I began to converse with God. I tried to swim sideways, float, swim harder but, I was being pummeled wave by wave with no sign of me finding a way out so I prayed. I am actually not sure if it qualifies as prayer but, God and I...we had a chat. As I was tossed beneath the ocean like a piece of seaweed I realized that the power in these waves was but a drop of His power. That I have an amazing life. My husband is an amazing man that is strong, a man of God and loves me unconditionally. My kids are all awe-inspiring wonderful adults and I was not worried about them...I had peace. That peace, it covered my fear, my pain, my everything to sheer nothing. In that nothing (which is a horrible way to describe it) I thought to my self, "wow, so this is how I go out...hmmmm never saw that coming" but, I was ok.

My conversation was interrupted with a quick opportunity for air. As I stood up, gasped for air and I made eye contact with him. I knew he saw me and I knew that IF I could hold on long enough...there was a chance. I was exhausted, disoriented and not ready when the waves took me again.

As all of this took place, my friend thought I was dying as she was fighting to break free for her life. She screamed with everything she had. She screamed every time she could catch a breath. As she made her way to the sand she hysterically screamed, begged for help and wept all simultaneously.

Underneath the water was oddly peaceful amid the churning, thrashing and crashing of the waves. Wait! My big toe hit sand! As I searched for footing and a hand grabbed my arm! A 17 year old man asked me if I needed help...(uhmmm. yes please) YES. he helped me make it to sand but, I was too weak to fight anymore. He drug me half way where another man (from Ohio) helped drag me out of the water onto the beach.

The 17 year old man (because boys don't save lives, only men do that) began to scold me for ignoring the double red flags. I nodded that I now understand and I would never enter the water without checking the flag status again.

As I found my way to a chair, expelling what my lungs took in...one of my tribe lovingly buried all evidence and assured me I was OK. My friend (THE friend), she was face down in the sand weeping from complete and utter physical and emotional exhaustion. She was met with another amazing friend that just wept with her...as they began to regain composure we all hear another one of us say...well, this calls for celebration! pizza for the beach! We are all just reeling from shock and we hear her ordering TWO LARGE CHEESE PIZZAS! Good golly! Everyone lifted their heads in disbelief...Wait, wait, wait we are going to need more pizzas than that! Boy oh boy, do we know how to answer the question of life and death with some humor!

There was a lot of humor because that is how I/we handle uncomfortable situations but, make no mistake; we are here by divine appointment. This experience was traumatic for those on the beach and in the water but, somehow for me, it was assuring as well. I had the opportunity of a rare glimpsofat just how blessed I am and how absolutely, without doubt my destiny lies in the hands of my creator. Do not think for a minute that HE will not take time to reminds us of JUST WHO HE is. Life is a gift so LIVE IT!