Moment of impact

Life is ear marked with moments of impact. Moments that for good or for bad change and imprint on our DNA, sewn into the very fibers that knit us together. Being a mother there are now three moments of impact that I know....I boldly called out to God and He answered me with a compassion that I know only He could have.

The first Moment of impact, A normal day with an 11 year old, a seven year old and a 3 month old. It was summer and although I could not play outside my two oldest had ventured out with a bike our Golden Max and wild laughter. Honestly, I was grateful for the few minutes of peace that would soon be upon me. Eli was asleep in his chair and I was talking to my husband on the phone at work because frankly, I needed some adult conversation. In mid conversation, the door swung open and my 7 year old daughter ran in and screamed, He's dead! Mom, I think Zachary is dead! She was close to hysterics and me feeling the full moment of impact, I took a breath, dropped the phone and said, Cassie, you watch Eli and STAY HERE!
I ran outside to the highest point overlooking the neighborhood and yelled, Zachary!...there was no answer just a deafening silence and in what seemed like minutes, God and I had a conversation where He listened and I poured out...I went to His feet and sobbed..."God, I can't go on from here if you allow this, I know you don't give us more than we can handle but, I won't"....in that moment I was a little more horrified at my words...my faith had a limit. I was desperate. I yelled again...Zachary! ... this time with desperation and trying to be audible between weeps...Then after a long pause, I heard him! It was a faint, "I'm here" and in that moment, I knew that I had called and God heard me.  Although, I am ashamed of my weakness, He heard the cries of my breaking heart and had compassion on me.

Zach had been riding the bike and had the leash wrapped around the handlebars walking Max and was paying more attention to Max than where he was going. He didn't see the gardening trailer in his path and collided with it. He had hit it full force and was knocked out cold unconscious. By all means that impact could have been a fatal blow but, only by God's ever-loving grace was he basically unscathed. He even played in a football game just days later.

The next two are yet to come....

You need to hear this

What if we never got to witness the awe-inspiring feats of he human spirit. What if no one ever listened to that small voice inside that says, "yes, you were created for this".  What if we all lived out of our fear? Can you imagine what the world would be like? We would never be in awe, amazed nor inspired by what wonderful gifts and talents people have because no one would be using them to futher the kingdom of God.

There is a song and a few of the words say, "...all I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong..." (btw: building429's song)

I love this song because I know there is a place where I am meant to be that is much bigger than this small broken world. At times, I can't wait to see what is on the other side and then at other times I kinda wanna stick around and see what happens in the lives of my loved ones here...Do not misunderstand me, I am not going anywhere on my own. God is going to call me home in His time and that is just fine with me.

What I am talking about is that deep down giddy, excitement...uhm, a joyfiul knowledge (trying to find words to describe it) that there is more to life than what I am living now. I know that I have a God-breathed purpose and I am here to be used by God to help make heaven a very crowded place....However, I can also look ahead and be excited for the "more" in the hereafter.

We have the opportunity to witness glimpses of what (I think) is going to be everyday in heaven, in the awe inspiring, bold, steadfastness of God's people living out God's design in their life right here on this earth. I want to walk in that in my life. I need to do what I was created to do otherwise I am unfullfilled and searching. My gift? I think that it is communication. I love to share, listen and walk together with people. Am I perfect? will I fail and dissappoint? Yes, however I am not supposed to be perfect, I am supposed to stretch and grow up with all those I encounter (not age wise God wise), that is my job as I know it.

So when I get sad, or beaten down I remember that I am not just here waiting, a mistake or a product of my environment. I am a chosen child of God that was individually knit together for a purpose bigger than just me. I remember the words to that song and I smile. I don't know more than anybody else, I have a job here and I am happy with the wonderful life God has led me to, I am beyond blessed. However, I know that there is even more that awaits me!

"If we did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves." Thomas A. Edison Thomas A. Edison

"If we did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves."

Thomas A. Edison

This quote reminds me of the fact that we all have a common thread. We all at one time or another are stunted in our growth. We are either too scared to move forward, fear the unknown, fear failure or just don't take the next step to grow.  We are told over and over that in Christ we have all the power and abilities of Christ within us. Why do we live as though "one person can not change the world"? Jesus was one person and he changed everything in this world and the next. 

When Jesus calls, do you listen every time? I am ashamed to say that many times I have hushed that small but, unmistakable voice inside because of fear or inconvenience. I hate to think of the opportunities that I have missed because of my fear and stubbornness. 
The God that created the earth and all of its beauty and wonder created you and I. He personally knit us in our Mothers womb! Would He do all that for a mediocre life? No, I do not believe so. I believe that God created each one of us for God-breathed purpose and that purpose is inside us waiting to come out. That is why we search, we search to find it. Some search outside in a bottle, some search in people some search for it in acquiring stuff. Some people will settle for that little ache that pangs when you get close but, will never step out to achieve it.
Have you ever been drawn to someone that you see and, just know that, beyond a shadow of a doubt that that is what they are supposed to be doing in life...they kind of shine. It doesn't have to be on TV, in a magazine on the radio or on the big screen. Just that daily inspiration, doing what isn't work because they were called to it. I don't know about you but, I want that! 
If we did listen and follow whatever it is that is knit in our very fiber what would that look like?


Are you stunted? are you stuck and you actively ignoring that pull out of fear? Edison was absolutely correct, "if we did the things we are capable of, we would astound ourselves". I believe that all it takes it a step out of the box and into your purpose. I think I am taking mine...what about you?

I am not who I once was

You know there is a song that states "I wish that you could see me now cause I'm not who I was", and I just love to sing along with it because I am so thankful that I am not who I once was. I am changed.

Was I a horrible person, nope. I was a broken and sad person looking to fill an abyss of lonliness and self-pity . I had no hope and no way to process life, no ability to make good decisions and I lived by what I felt.

Today I can say that ,while I want to keep that season of my life close by, I can always be reminded of where I once was. I am so thankful that I have a God that wept with me when I was lost and pursued me intensely until I could hear His voice. A God that loves me enough to let me choose and also to let me suffer my own consequences. A God that does not promise a life without brokenness or pain but, a promise that whatever may come, He will not leave. In fact He will use it for our good IF we allow it.

Yes, I am so full of joy with every breath I take that I am not who I once was cause I like me now. I am not perfect, I sin, I disappoint and I fail but, now I know that there is more to my story than that.

Has it really been THAT long?

It all started over a fooseball table.....

I'm in college just looking for the next party, barely making the grade (if at all). I was just waiting, waiting for something and then...
Some of my friends say, "let's go to the beach over Easter break". That is totally cool with me cause I'm game for whatever whenever and most definately anything at the beach. It turns out thata large group of others are going too and we headed over to the student center to meet up with them. I don't remember who was doing the introducing but, I do remember "THE GUY". I didn't predict he was my going to be my soulmate or get a bolt of lighting but, something subtle and different came through me as I looked up over the foseball table at his big blue eyes. It was almost like, just for that mili-second, everything slowed down, anyway, the meeting left a mark on me. How was I to know that at that moment I had met the one God was going to use to teach me who He was.
The boy I met, he was not so innocent, not preachy, really smart and not offensive. However, he was subtle, disciplined, strong, faithful and trustworthy. Hmmm, trustworthy....wow, that word is something I just didn't do and certainly wasn't worthy of. It would take me many years to truly know and live the meaning of that word. However, that boy I met over the Fooseball table....God would use him to unravel the meaning so that I could learn to trust and be trusted.

The next day was departure day and I was riding with a different boy, someone who was fake and being quite a jerk so about halfway to the beach we stopped for gas and I jumped into a little red Nissan pick up truck. I smiled and said , "can I ride with you"? There was not much of a choice since I was already making myself comfortable squishing in with the two that were already in the seat. We didn't know it but, this would be the beginning of eternity for us.
Once at the beach and seeing the "BEACH HOUSE" we were going to be staying in was actually a trailer with no water and no where near the beach, we were almost out of luck but, thank goodness for my trusty American Express card! We did get a room right on the beach and I think we had 7 people crammed in one room. That boy and I, we stayed  close for the majority of the trip, just hanging out and talking. We talked about music, sports, family and life. By the time the trip was ending I think we were both invested in hoping there would be something more between us.
More there was, over the next few years we would be dating, married, have our first child and starting out on our journey together as a family. All this time, God was using my husband in a might way. He taught me that there was more for me and I was not OK however, I would be, I could be...IF I chose to be.
There is way too much in the many lessons that I learned through my husbands charcter, unconditional love and faith to say in this small glimpse. My point is, you never know who you are influencing by the way you choose to live, what you choose to share or living a life of encouragement.
Encouragement is what finally spoke to my heart and began my search for more. He didn't know what God was doing through him and he didn't do it on purpose. It was just him allowing me to see glimpses of God in him. I want to be that for my kids, my mom, all those who don't know that there is more.
My prayer is that through those God given glimpses and on to many, many more glimpses will be seen for others to know and live on through the generations to come.

Setting Fires

It has been a reoccurring theme to me for the past few weeks that God has such a perfect plan for us and we, more often than not, miss it all together.

Why do we wait, talk our selves out of, or sit when our heart is screaming for us to stand? Have you ever heard the phrase that, "You were created for such a time as this"? This comes from scripture, it's about a girl that is thrust into a situation she was not prepared for but she chose to stand up and lay it all on the line, she was "all in" as they say these days. She was all in and she was resolved to (good, bad, or indifferent) see it through. Little did she know that her choice to stand up when she had every reason in the world to sit, would save a nation. She was a fire setter, no she did not set out to inspire or capture fame. She made her choice on what she knew was right in her heart and that began a journey that would inspire generations to stand up in the face of any adversary, her name was Esther.

I believe that God calls us to the extraordinary everyday and it is our choice to hear it and either obey or pass up the opportunity of a lifetime. God has such a perfect plan here, He calls one to stand up in faith and others are inspired (sparked) by that and hopefully will set in place a domino effect. Passion, inspiration, strength, courage, joy are all things we want and when you see it in others in any circumstance it says, "there is more than this...you were created for more. You and I were created for a purpose, it might be huge like Esther or it might be something you think only you see...whatever it is, you always have a choice to stand or sit.

A girl who should be care free and healthy. She is an athlete but, is riddled everyday with pain and discomfort that no one sees but, she chooses to live life out loud in spite of her struggle. She has determination and drive that supersedes all that ales her. It's a beautiful thing.

A wife who is standing up and encouraging all who will hear in the face of the chronic and painful illness of her husband. Instead of why, I see thanks, faith, love, courage and strength. In a situation that it would be easy to give in and give up, lay down and focus on the whys, she stands in adoration and joy- the kind of Joy you can have amidst the pain.

These are fire setters.... so, back to my initial question. How many times have you hushed that voice that calls for you to stand up? How many times have you talked yourself out of something because of fear? How many times have you missed the blessing of being a fire setter?

I have too many to count and I am more ashamed now that I am actually thinking about it. I am tired of it,  I see my kids starting to sit when I know they are called to stand! I see my influence on others, how can I expect any more of you than what I am willing to do, risk and rely on my faith to accomplish?

What if we set those fires? What if we never hushed that voice that calls us to do more, step out and to stand alone? What would our world look like? What would your life look like?

In that Moment

Is there a moment of spiritual awakening in the midst of addiction that can instantly infuse a wisdom or a knowledge that changes a person to the point of the healing of addiction?

My story

Without a bunch of obvious needless detail, I spent my years from 13 to 16 deep into the chaotic world of addiction. My thinking was to dull the pain and thus the vicious cycle of guilt begins (pain-drugs-guilt/self hate-more drugs and repeat..) I just did not care one way or another, I mean I wasn't trying to kill myself I just didn't care, what happened to me. I thought I was fearless when indeed, I was in fear of everything. I was scared to live and I was scared to die. I had no hope.
In December of my 16th year, my parents had just about had enough and sent me to rehab. I remember thinking, "whew, now I can finally stop". I know without a doubt that I would be dead if that decision was not made at that time. I learned so much in that 12 months. I learned about responsibility, self respect, respecting others, how to be a healthy functioning friend/family member and I learned to care about someone beside my self.. However, when I was released from rehab I relapsed (many times). I went to boarding school and still continued to use drugs through college. I knew everything I needed to, I knew why I was using, I knew my support systems were available and I knew what I was doing but, even in all of the love and education I had while I was in rehab, I still had no hope.
Fast forward, I am married I have two beautiful children and a wonderful husband. In fact, I say wonderful husband because God used him to save my life. I am working as a waitress/bartender, we are going to church - I am actually saved-but, I still don't have hope, my heart is not changed. (I am going to say this because I don't know the answer) some would say that I was not saved based on my last statement however, I had no doubt whatsoever that there was a God and that Jesus was real...I just didn't believe he would have died for me.
Ok, one night about 2am I was driving home after sitting at the bar for an hour after we closed with all my co-workers. I was on a two lane, unlit, curvy road and BOOM! I hit the curb and blew two of my tires. I stopped the car on a curve, which was horribly dangerous but, I wasn't really thinking about that. I get out cussing up a storm and start preparing to change a tire when I just stopped. I heard something in all the fog  that caught my attention. What I heard was a voice, He said, "how long? How long do I have to watch you self destruct like this?"
The voice was as so sad, it was as sad as I felt. I honestly did not think there was anyone or anything that could know the vast emptiness that harbored all of my pain. He said "choose. Choose now...life or death."
For the first time in my life, I wanted to live! Live, live I want to LIVE. In that instant my heart was changed forever. I have never had any doubt that my experience on that road was real.
When you hear that God will meet you where you are...they are not kidding. I was literally standing in a street gutter, drunk, crying and cursing. Can you imagine? The grace of our Almighty God came and occupied that gutter to retrieve his child, I still can hardly take it in.
Now, after this experience it all began to come together; the rehab knowledge, Gods love and hope intertwined and I became stronger. For me, there was a moment of awakening, although it didn't all come full circle in that moment, my heart was finally full circle.
I had a lot of work to do I was still very broken but God was binding up my broken heart and wow! just WOW, I am daily amazed at the work He has, is and will continue to do in my heart.

So, I am gonna say yes, I believe with all my heart that there can be a moment that instantly strikes us with the hope that drives us towards God and in that towards healing. Will it look the same in each one of us? No, but the facts are the same He is the only healer of the soul!