Moment of Impact TWO

Second Moment of impact... it begins with a lot of humor. I had just stepped out and started a new bible study with some neighborhood friends and some new ladies that I did not know. I am going to fill you in on a secret...I dislike cleaning. There it is I just don't like it. So, in preperation for the newcomers I had cleaned the downstairs and basically whatever was downstairs was now, upstairs, out of sight...so I had planned.
My husband had taken the kids to our neighbors house to hang out while we were doing our study. I noticed and was more than just a little annoyed that Jason kept coming in the door and going upstairs and then out again. After the fifth or so time he stopped and started at me....so, I stopped and said, what? He said sorry to bother you but, have you seen Eli? I snapped back no that is your job tonight...did you loose him hahahah...he answered, we can't find him.
BOOM, moment of impact.
Ok , he is 3 years old, it is dark outside and he has wandered away before. He had spent the night next door and left at 4 am to come home and did not tell anybody, I am so happy I am a light sleeper or I would have never heard his soft footsteps on the porch and the light knock on our locked front door...O, the horrors that could have happened...now it was.
I calmly got up and asked the ladies to continue without me assuring them that we would laugh about this in a few minutes but, inside I was reeling. Jason, Cassie and our neighbors all continued to search with no relief. Finally panic struck and I ran inside and asked the group to help us, that we still couldn't find Eli.
Those precious ladies have seen parts of my house that I don't even know about, we tore the house apart and now...it was time to call 911. That call was so hard to make I was trying to speak clearly but, how do you say, my three year old baby is gone calmly? What kind of mother was I that wouldn't notice her child coming or going? All that self talk hushed and desperation set in.
The police came, they interviewed us and then they called in the dogs. I hope you never have to answer the question, "Do you have any of your missing child's dirty clothes".  I did and handing them over was the absolute worst feeling, It was like, giving something private and precious away.
The officer came up to Jason and I and said, "before we let the dogs out we are going to search your house one last time" and that was ok with me but, I knew if Eli had been anywhere close, he would have answered our screams and desperate calls.
As the team of officers entered the house, I went up to my room and fell on my face before God and just begged Him please don't let this happen...This can't be happening...Crying, sobbing weeping....God Please! Full blown desperation had set in and now I was teatering on hoplessness.
 Then I heard it, "hey buddy, can you get up for me?"...I jumped up and ran into Zach's room...and grabbed Eli, he was hot, covered in sweat and stiill very sleepy. However, he was unharmed, and completely clueless as to the complete mayhem that has just taken place on his behalf.
He had crawled up under Zach's down comforter at the foot of the bed (probably playing hide and seek with Dad) so, when we lifted the covers in our multiple searches, He was still hidden.
I believe that again, God heard our cries, and He had compassion.

Moment of impact

Life is ear marked with moments of impact. Moments that for good or for bad change and imprint on our DNA, sewn into the very fibers that knit us together. Being a mother there are now three moments of impact that I know....I boldly called out to God and He answered me with a compassion that I know only He could have.

The first Moment of impact, A normal day with an 11 year old, a seven year old and a 3 month old. It was summer and although I could not play outside my two oldest had ventured out with a bike our Golden Max and wild laughter. Honestly, I was grateful for the few minutes of peace that would soon be upon me. Eli was asleep in his chair and I was talking to my husband on the phone at work because frankly, I needed some adult conversation. In mid conversation, the door swung open and my 7 year old daughter ran in and screamed, He's dead! Mom, I think Zachary is dead! She was close to hysterics and me feeling the full moment of impact, I took a breath, dropped the phone and said, Cassie, you watch Eli and STAY HERE!
I ran outside to the highest point overlooking the neighborhood and yelled, Zachary!...there was no answer just a deafening silence and in what seemed like minutes, God and I had a conversation where He listened and I poured out...I went to His feet and sobbed..."God, I can't go on from here if you allow this, I know you don't give us more than we can handle but, I won't"....in that moment I was a little more horrified at my words...my faith had a limit. I was desperate. I yelled again...Zachary! ... this time with desperation and trying to be audible between weeps...Then after a long pause, I heard him! It was a faint, "I'm here" and in that moment, I knew that I had called and God heard me.  Although, I am ashamed of my weakness, He heard the cries of my breaking heart and had compassion on me.

Zach had been riding the bike and had the leash wrapped around the handlebars walking Max and was paying more attention to Max than where he was going. He didn't see the gardening trailer in his path and collided with it. He had hit it full force and was knocked out cold unconscious. By all means that impact could have been a fatal blow but, only by God's ever-loving grace was he basically unscathed. He even played in a football game just days later.

The next two are yet to come....

You need to hear this

What if we never got to witness the awe-inspiring feats of he human spirit. What if no one ever listened to that small voice inside that says, "yes, you were created for this".  What if we all lived out of our fear? Can you imagine what the world would be like? We would never be in awe, amazed nor inspired by what wonderful gifts and talents people have because no one would be using them to futher the kingdom of God.

There is a song and a few of the words say, "...all I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong..." (btw: building429's song)

I love this song because I know there is a place where I am meant to be that is much bigger than this small broken world. At times, I can't wait to see what is on the other side and then at other times I kinda wanna stick around and see what happens in the lives of my loved ones here...Do not misunderstand me, I am not going anywhere on my own. God is going to call me home in His time and that is just fine with me.

What I am talking about is that deep down giddy, excitement...uhm, a joyfiul knowledge (trying to find words to describe it) that there is more to life than what I am living now. I know that I have a God-breathed purpose and I am here to be used by God to help make heaven a very crowded place....However, I can also look ahead and be excited for the "more" in the hereafter.

We have the opportunity to witness glimpses of what (I think) is going to be everyday in heaven, in the awe inspiring, bold, steadfastness of God's people living out God's design in their life right here on this earth. I want to walk in that in my life. I need to do what I was created to do otherwise I am unfullfilled and searching. My gift? I think that it is communication. I love to share, listen and walk together with people. Am I perfect? will I fail and dissappoint? Yes, however I am not supposed to be perfect, I am supposed to stretch and grow up with all those I encounter (not age wise God wise), that is my job as I know it.

So when I get sad, or beaten down I remember that I am not just here waiting, a mistake or a product of my environment. I am a chosen child of God that was individually knit together for a purpose bigger than just me. I remember the words to that song and I smile. I don't know more than anybody else, I have a job here and I am happy with the wonderful life God has led me to, I am beyond blessed. However, I know that there is even more that awaits me!

In that Moment

Is there a moment of spiritual awakening in the midst of addiction that can instantly infuse a wisdom or a knowledge that changes a person to the point of the healing of addiction?

My story

Without a bunch of obvious needless detail, I spent my years from 13 to 16 deep into the chaotic world of addiction. My thinking was to dull the pain and thus the vicious cycle of guilt begins (pain-drugs-guilt/self hate-more drugs and repeat..) I just did not care one way or another, I mean I wasn't trying to kill myself I just didn't care, what happened to me. I thought I was fearless when indeed, I was in fear of everything. I was scared to live and I was scared to die. I had no hope.
In December of my 16th year, my parents had just about had enough and sent me to rehab. I remember thinking, "whew, now I can finally stop". I know without a doubt that I would be dead if that decision was not made at that time. I learned so much in that 12 months. I learned about responsibility, self respect, respecting others, how to be a healthy functioning friend/family member and I learned to care about someone beside my self.. However, when I was released from rehab I relapsed (many times). I went to boarding school and still continued to use drugs through college. I knew everything I needed to, I knew why I was using, I knew my support systems were available and I knew what I was doing but, even in all of the love and education I had while I was in rehab, I still had no hope.
Fast forward, I am married I have two beautiful children and a wonderful husband. In fact, I say wonderful husband because God used him to save my life. I am working as a waitress/bartender, we are going to church - I am actually saved-but, I still don't have hope, my heart is not changed. (I am going to say this because I don't know the answer) some would say that I was not saved based on my last statement however, I had no doubt whatsoever that there was a God and that Jesus was real...I just didn't believe he would have died for me.
Ok, one night about 2am I was driving home after sitting at the bar for an hour after we closed with all my co-workers. I was on a two lane, unlit, curvy road and BOOM! I hit the curb and blew two of my tires. I stopped the car on a curve, which was horribly dangerous but, I wasn't really thinking about that. I get out cussing up a storm and start preparing to change a tire when I just stopped. I heard something in all the fog  that caught my attention. What I heard was a voice, He said, "how long? How long do I have to watch you self destruct like this?"
The voice was as so sad, it was as sad as I felt. I honestly did not think there was anyone or anything that could know the vast emptiness that harbored all of my pain. He said "choose. Choose now...life or death."
For the first time in my life, I wanted to live! Live, live I want to LIVE. In that instant my heart was changed forever. I have never had any doubt that my experience on that road was real.
When you hear that God will meet you where you are...they are not kidding. I was literally standing in a street gutter, drunk, crying and cursing. Can you imagine? The grace of our Almighty God came and occupied that gutter to retrieve his child, I still can hardly take it in.
Now, after this experience it all began to come together; the rehab knowledge, Gods love and hope intertwined and I became stronger. For me, there was a moment of awakening, although it didn't all come full circle in that moment, my heart was finally full circle.
I had a lot of work to do I was still very broken but God was binding up my broken heart and wow! just WOW, I am daily amazed at the work He has, is and will continue to do in my heart.

So, I am gonna say yes, I believe with all my heart that there can be a moment that instantly strikes us with the hope that drives us towards God and in that towards healing. Will it look the same in each one of us? No, but the facts are the same He is the only healer of the soul!