Have you ever heard the quote...

"then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"- Anais Nin

Well, that is so much the story of my life. for so long I lived bound by fear, grasping for some sense of control and devastated by pain. In fact, I chose it for a long time, even after I began to see how I was living I was too scared to change (I believed that it was impossible, I was too broken). I saw the fault of my belief system and still was terrified that if I changed that it might get worse so I settled for the torn life and the broken heart that I tried so desperately to hide inside.
That life was so defeating and horrible, until someone, that saw in me the potential of the beautiful blossom said to me, "when (not if), when you take down that wall I can't wait to see the beauty that lies on the other side." Now, that statement alone made it into my heart but, it was not until I began to see who I was that a change began to take place. It wasn't who I was, not in and of myself, but Christ in me. The loneliness was soon halted, the pain began to heal and I began to have hope that there really was more to this life than hurt, pain and disappointment.
So, from the time I can first remember, I knew there were things that I was better off not doing or saying to keep the peace. I can say that from my young childhood through my twenty's (maybe even my early thirties) I was more comfortable tight in a bud than letting go and becoming the beautiful blossom God created in me. I still struggle (often) the difference? I am willing to grow. satan has no power over me anymore and I am free to live from the heart God intended for me to live from. Does that make me perfect or without sin? NOPE! just willing, aware and ready to be humbly and mercifully refined.
Thank you Jesus, for loving me first and always leading me to change and grow.