from a chat to prayer

What happens if you don't trust God? What if I see Him clearly in the good things like; healing, restoring, grace and blessings but not in the bad? What if I am too scared to find out why I am choosing blatant sin over what I know is good and true?
All of my life I had struggles (we all do) and I learned to coat them with other things like: drugs, boys, spending, eating... whatever it always turned out to be a self-destructive behavior. Then, I went to rehab and learned how to not take drugs or drink, I learned to flee bad environments and I learned to identify the problem areas. Still, with this knowledge I relapsed, my knowledge had changed but... It wasn't until I was saved at 27 years old that my heart began to change. So, what am I missing now?
I feel so stupid, I know the answer is simple but have not a clue as to what it is. I have always said that in my "issues" I have many branches and I can see them, change them around, trim them and try to control them but underneath is the life blood - the root.
So tonight, I start my reconcillation with God by admitting all that I know He sees in me. I ask for forgiveness for my heinous sin against Him and ask that He continues to show me the fullness of my choices and their consequenses. I give to Him my doubt, my inability to trust or be trusted, my wounds that I can name and those I don't know how to utter them aloud. I give Him the broken down, yet faithfully believing spirit that He has continiously restored and rebirthed. I give Him my fear of failure, lack of responsibility and my rebellion. I am sure that the list goes on and on but for this moment, this night, I am finally ready to give Him all of me.
Those of you who don't understand... sometimes we can be in the holiest of holy places or the pit of sin and still be holding back something God wants... He wants all of us, every part.
Trembling and unsure of what that means I do, I give all of me to my Father God in Heaven who no matter what is faithful and just and loves me despite what He knows about me. I praise the name of Jesus and lay my will at His feet. May my sacrifice of pure heart and given in the greatest of humility and honor. Thank you Jesus that you are Hope, my hope lies in your name. Amen