The processing....

Hi all, I have been out of commission for a few days because we went on a trip to see my family in Mississippi.

During this time I was so aware of my gracious blesssings and also, very aware that I am surprised by my actions and the entirity of my sin. I am learning day by day that there are many aspects to my sin that I never took into consideration. I have effected my children, my friends, those I mentor, and most of all my husband.

Well, actually... most of all I hurt God... I hate to even think about it. I basically said "no" when He continuially asked me to stop and repent... how does one come to terms with the fact that given all the grace in the world... I still said no.

I guess my starting point is reconcilling with God. Only then can I imagine honestly and authentically reconciling with my husband, children, friends and family.

I think I have a long way to go in grasping the whole gammit of my sin but I know God is faithful and willing to heal me IF I am willing. I am.

There is definately a HUGE shame factor that creeps up and it almost turns into self-pity or in some way doesn't take full responsibility for my actions. I am not happy to think that I could be putting my sin off on some excuse rather than being completely humbled and responsible for my diliberate chossing of sin over what I obviously knew as right.

I am very interested to dig in and find out how or where that selfishness comes from... I guess I have always thought as myself more selfless that selfish except when I over book and become a flake on someone... my other work in progress... time management :) (That one takes a breather- while I am learning how to have someones trust and keep it). Oooh, I absolutely hate the fact that the truth and my actions say... more selfish. Yuk! Thas one of my dislikes in people, I have no patience for utterly selfish people... maybe because it too much hits home???

I dunno much of anything right now but I am on my way so check back every now and then to see whats up, who knows whats next here?