The heart of a Lion

God is remarkable in his individual creation of our spirit. We see it everyday, we watch telethons about it, we see newspaper articles about it, we see expose about it on TV, we pay to watch movies that exploit it and it testifies to our souls that there is still good in this world.
The human spirit to me is that voice inside that encourages us to strive for more, that focus's us and drives us in whatever it is that we are passionate about.
I myself see it daily and often am brought near tears at the sight. In this corrupt world filled with all the crud we are surrounded by I look for the human spirit to arise and reassure me that I am not alone.
I am so blessed to be a mom and see the spirit in my children daily however, it's those times that the unexpected happens that we realize that God took so much creativity and care in knitting together His masterpieces you and I.
My daughter just lived out one of these miraculous times for me in what would seem a usual day. That is it...making the ordinary extraordinary. God knit into my daughter's very being a passion for track. She loves to run and is very competitive. It is absolutely one of the most beautiful things I know, to see someone living out their passion. I am partial, however in this instance, I think we can all appreciate this example of how the human spirit can move us, motivate us and encourage us.
She has been on crutches for 8 days and it has been a long 8 days. She has stood by and watched others step into her place and fill her positions and with each passing day doubt has set in, her spirit...downcast and unsure.
On Tuesday she had the opportunity to run full out for the first time since being on crutches. This was a small meet, not special but, to her it was going to be a defining moment. She stepped on the track again and she ran, if you ask me she flew. She was going to be OK was what was on mind mind, she was definitely back! The second race was one she had determined to prove herself, come what may she was going all out, no holds barred, she had resigned herself to leave it all on the track. It was a hard race and as she received the baton they were behind by 15 or so steps. As she took off it looked grim for us to win as we were following a significant lead. As she started into the first turn we all could see that she was catching up. There was hope still alive in this race. she did, she caught up and was neck to neck with the competitor and then as she crossed the finish line she fell. It was horrible to see and for a millisecond  she was motionless. It was one of the scariest moments I have endured as a mom. She was skinned from her temple to her shoulder to her arm, wrists, elbow, thigh, knee just all the way down her body. She was kind of like a drunk person that wants to drive....she kept saying I am alright trying to walk away but, her legs were useless. I believe that she had expelled so much energy that her body just hit empty.
Well, Cassie recovered and went on to run another race still bleeding from the fall. Nobody would have expected her to run, in fact it would have been perfectly acceptable for her to skip the race and go home to tend to her injuries. Instead when faced with the decision she sucked it up, pulled herself together and won her heat in her last race.
I can't tell you how that example of the human spirit testified to my heart in the midst of an ordinary track meet. To many they have told her that they admire her heart and courage and to some they totally missed it, some probably think it was humiliating...to me it makes me more thankful that God is so intricate in His design of His children and how we see His beauty in others everyday.

Things to pass on

It has taken me a lot of thought to come up with my number one can not do without, information to pass on. Just for the record, it may change but so far this is what has proven to completely encroach on absolutely everything if left to fester.
Forgivness...unforgivness will lead to hate, bitterness and will seep into everything you do, plan, love and into your heart. It is a conscious choice we have to make, either to forgive or not to forgive. We fool ourselves into thinking that holding a grudge, punishing the wrong doer, or ignoring the elephant in the room will give us a FEELING of satisfaction.  Our FEELING should not lead our choices the truth of God that we know in our minds should lead our steps. We fall into the enemies trap when we start living by feelings alone. This feeling we can get of "satisfaction", is short lived and is, in fact, a wolf in sheep's clothing, so to speak.  Harboring ill feelings, animosity, or the past against someone will only bind, rob and destroy you in the long run.
In the word are  we are, point blank, told to forgive as we were forgiven period, that's it- no if's and or buts about it. Over the years I have grown to see that God doesn't ask this of us just out of obedience but also because it is the absolute best option for us. Forgiveness allows us to live in the freedom that is our for the taking. So, forgive for your freedom and let God use you in remarkable ways!

Dear God, just be very present within my house, among my children and in my marriage today. Thank you for knowing what words can not define in my heart. Amen.

Do you remember?

for me, a flash of the past and my first moment of "the good ole' days" came while watching my daughter.

I remember being able to connect with the ball, like knowing exactly where it was planning to go and being there to control it. It was like, at times, I was just in motion- not thinking just reacting like the cheesy saying, "be the ball". I remember the freedom and the glory of playing the game. My mind reminds me of the moments where life stopped and total abandon set in. I was a warrior in a battle and fought with all I had and in the end whether victory or defeat came to me, I knew I had given it all and was a champion regardless of worldly results. To me, the game was bigger than life and was where I drew my strength and where I could always let go and be me without holding back. I think the thing I miss the most is the sheer freedom without judgement. Or maybe for me, on the field is the only place I felt "myself".

what 8-16-08 (unfinished)

what do you do when it all weights too much? How do you turn advice and cliches into daily steps to manage the burdens that sometimes absorb all life? It's been so long since I have wanted to share my thoughts because it hurts too much to know I, again, was broken. I know the short version... I took my eyes off the Lord and decided to go at life alone. The much longer version is a kind of adventure where I grew some, shut out the world some, wrapped myself up in denial some and stepped out some. I am realizing that, as I have been on many journeys, this journey was one of age and the reality of those life events you can't dodge no matter how far you go to be a shut in. And even then, you still can't get around the pain and triumph that comes with sharing and building a family.

The most traumatic day ever....

Ok, for the most traumatic day ever.... She gets up and helps get the kids get ready for school. Today they aren't in such a rush so, it is a good day. The older kids catch the bus and it's off to take the little one (lily-one) to Kindergarten. It's a little drive of 10 or so minutes and in that time they chat and laugh as they periodically stop to sing along with the background music. The school carpool line appears all too fast and it's off to work and back to reality with her thoughts. As she drives to work a song comes on the radio called "Jesus bring the rain" and she catches a few moments of morning worship. Thankful is where her thoughts go and flashes of the little things that make life here worth the wait come and go through her mind. The exit she takes everyday, to work comes up and again. reality sets in. As she waits at the light, just a minute from the door of her office, she glances at the people in the cars around her and wonders if they know the joy she does; are they happy, she's wondering what their story is. The light changes and she is off... in an instant-out of the corner of her eye she sees the SUV to her left has come to a screeching halt. She reacts and does that same, in that millisecond, just inches away form sure death, a firetruck speeds through the intersection in route to a nearby emergency. It was Too close to feel like I escaped but, far enough to start to appreciate it.

This was my morning

forgiveness

I have been struggling with the thought of forgiveness lately. There are so many depths to this that I find that I can become quite confused and completely consumed if I take my eyes of the focus.

My question was: can you forgive in the present if you do not know the full extent of the past?

I have some things in my past that have "haunted" me. Over time, to no avail, I have no concrete knowledge of the exact happenings but I do have the overwhelming emotions that linger. So thus, my question.

I have an answer and it covers ALL FORGIVENESS, no matter how catastrophic or how minute. The answer is found in: 1 Corinthians chapter 4 verses 2-5

2 Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.
3 I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.
4 My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. 5 Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.

I may not have a clear vision of all I need to forgive but I most definitely have a concrete answer as to if I can or if I am supposed to... search these verses, there is more than one sole answer - there is a virtual "how to" in it also.

So, forgiveness does require much, in these words I find much for me to do in obedience and in faith to what God says is my responsibility is in the process of forgiveness and judgement..

required faith

well, I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness and how God has taught me about it so far. Lately I have come to see that there are different seasons to forgiveness. Maybe, different levels that we are ready or willing to forgive at one given time. Not that WE pick and choose but, our issues or situations that God brings to us.

Thankfully God is so full of love and grace He steadily stretches us and molds us instead of laying it on us all at once, although sometimes it might feel as though we are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders.

Luckily, God has brought me along like a preschooler, very deliberate, repetitious and holding my hand in much of my required healing and forgiveness. He just knows each of his children so well and leads exactly the way we need.

The thought of required faith came from my own self-evaluation. We all go through seasons and that's OK but lately, I have just checked out. I saw it coming, knew I had a choice but still I went into a hibernation of sorts. I don't see it as all good or all bad because I have had some of both results. However, my point is this, before, during, now and forever will be: I knew that God was saying "be faithful to me." "Believe in me", "trust in me", "know that I will prevail in you" are the only things I could hear. He held my hand as I drew back: scared, full of questions, some doubt and unable to sort any of it out myself.

Now, as I began to come out of it a little, I see that he was asking me to be patient and my saving grace... required faith that no matter where I went, He would come for me.

I found that God really does pursue his beloved, relentlessly and gently.

Can You Blend It?

I hear that there is a show called "Can You Blend It?" It's all about things that can blend or not. So, at the beginning of the show the host comes out with something, for example, an ipod. Then he asks, "can you blend it?" and you decide if it will blend.

This conversation made me think about the things in my spiritual life and what can blend and what doesn't. Now, bear with me for a second while I STRETCH to reach my point. Using God as my blender, what in my life doesn't blend? What does blend and where is the line where blend-able becomes blender-breaking? What I mean is this... God is supposed to be our center and our guide, right? Using God as our blender what kind of things do we just throw in there without a thought to if it's blender-friendly or not? Ok, let's use the ipod, instead of literally blending it, what about what's on it? How does the music we put onto our Mp3s blend with our center and Guide, God? We go to Church which blends but what about Monday? Does our Monday blend in with our Sunday? What about friends, do our relationships blend in with our ultimate Blender? How many times have we thrown something into the blender that stops the blending - creating a total user error. There is nothing wrong with the blender itself...it's the one using it.

As I am exploring, I find that God is using all kinds of people, things and experiences to call me to Him, even a show about a blender. (PS, yes the ipod did blend)

Business - truth or distraction

Do you find yourself so busy at times that you get to the end of the day and can't remember what all you did? Do you avoid quiet? Do you get up and go, go ,go then pass out when you get to bed? These are just some of the questions I heard today in a sermon about "keeping the Sabbath" or "making room for God". The whole thing was good but what really got me was when he addressed the other group of people who will find it hard to keep the Sabbath (the first - the workaholics). I fall into the second group I believe. We are the ones that go, go, go to avoid hearing the still small voice that aches from past issues still left unresolved. So now what? I choose to go into a period of self-examination and definition. I figure it will be a time to evaluate all that I am doing, why I am doing it and is it God led or something I am just taking on to avoid time alone with God?

Avoiding time alone with God? Saying that just saddens my soul because I know what all I have been through, how God brought me through it, how He protected me and then used it to strengthen me and yet...it still stands as truth. I am realizing that I have significant fundamental discrepancies in my belief system and that is something that gets my attention. I struggle with my God-given ministries because I am so incongruent on the inside, it's like a disease and I don't want to spread it. I used disease meaning, like a disease inconsistencies become acceptable like the beginning symptoms of a disease (easy to ignore). Then a time of knowing something is not quite right but still deadened by a bit of denial, then comes the on set of the illness - it infects every aspect and is no longer able to be overlooked. So there it is... the good, the bad and the pretty ugly but it just so happens to be a place I am not a description of who I am. Who I am is not affected or effected by my situation, my situation will be changed by who I am.

See you are really just a place for me to work things out, I do it much better this way than in my head. so as you read this, don't mistake my life for anything but just another child of God trying to live a little better. I am so thankful that I have a God that figured me out a long time ago and still adores me - even in my ignorance. So, I begin to evaluate....

so simple yet so hard to hold on to...

It seems so simple to say, if we keep our eyes on Jesus, no matter what, all will be as it should. Tides will turn, storms will come, disaster will befall us but God's plan will prevail as long as we keep in mind who is in control and who isn't.

This is truth, however it being common sense makes the deed no easier. I can't count how many times I have started out with my heart and my eyes set on God and ended up in a place He would not led me. DISTRACTION! That's my weakness, what's everyone else doing? Maybe, I should be doing that instead. Oh, what little discipline and focus I have.

My daughter had a friend over last night and they are coming off a huge fight which neither one can remember the start of. Anyway, we were talking about the mean things they said and did to each other, even though they both knew that eventually, they would make up. They both, in their own words, said that they fought dirty because that's how it's done in middle school.

OUCH, be honest how many situations can you see that the exact same reaction to our surroundings turned a God-led situation into something else? How many times have you gone with the majority because you were fearful of standing alone? That is rarely done, we just don't stand up alone against the majority, usually we will disagree in silence or turn bitter out of misplaced anger.

What about stepping out into unknown territory? How many times have you taken only God with you into a strange environment where you don't know anyone or you feel uncomfortable in? We usually will call up a friend and take them along for support.

I know allot about the cons of this thought because I live in "this world" much more than I live in the world that God calls me to. My mind and heart will both be congruent and set out on the path to God and my mind always (given the chance) takes a detour. Maybe I am so dis tractable because somewhere deep down I think I can do it better? Better than God, I hope not! Maybe, I want to follow but take my own route to get there? This is almost humorous Because I have had such a good track record and I make such good decisions? geez, the choices are getting uglier here. Maybe, it's all about trust? Do I trust God?

Do I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I am His focus? Have I delt with all of the where was He whens... and if He loved me then how could He let that happen? Or the why me's... I don't know the answer but... this will be my meditation for now..I am going to ask God to show me where my weaknesses are that I keep choosing to take a step back when He is calling me forward.

"not ever again"....

Yesterday a precious friend said this to me, "why would I start a new friendship when I got burned the last time", He said that he was happy with the friends he had and didn't want to take another chance of crashing and burning like the last time.

This translated to my heart said, I don't want to get hurt that bad again. I thought to myself about a time I said those exact words. Instead of friendship, I said I would never share my testimony ever again because I shared it with someone who was not safe and it hurt me to my core, I thought I would never recover. I could have used that pain to cut myself off and I think I actually could have kept that self-declaration and never shared my story with anyone ever again.

However, God has a very different idea about sharing ourselves with others. Whether it be as friends or sharing our journey in Christ... He calls us to share for Him not for us. He never says we won't get hurt, in fact, he says, multiple times, to guard your heart but that means against evil not to shut down your ability to further the kingdom of God out of fear or hurt.

We are called to sacrifice our wants and needs to the will of God and that includes our rights. If we make the choice to submit ourselves to God (wholly and completely), that means we have no right to choose who we share God's work in us with or who God brings to us a friends. We listen, hear God's call and just do out of obedience. We guard our hearts as not to be led astray but we trust God that He can protect us, heal our hurts and strengthen our weaknesses.

We have to look forward to what God is bringing to us and leave the past behind us. When a situation brings up past hurts or crippling pain then we have to face forward and see what God is doing in us and through us instead of getting caught in the trap of past pit dwelling. It's all about what we choose to focus on my friends. This is the only way we can go on when satan uses our past to wound us in the holy battle God calls us to fight in. Do not fail to dress in the full amour of God, our enemy knows our weakness and if given the chance... He will deeply wound us. The Good news... we have to fight the battles but the WAR IS WON!

A different point of view...

You probably can't tell but these two boys on the far end... not so excited about the whole dead deer thing. I guess the whole man kills for food thing isn't a hit with them. Well, it's an experience anyway. Eli has been around it for always so it doesn't get to him. However, last year we had quite a situation with Cassie. She wanted to go with Dad to the processing plant(deer processing that is) and well, let's just say she is very much a vegitarian (as much as you can be with McDonalds and stuff : )
Anyway, one mans treasure can be another mans indifference.

Something about sitting in a tree for hour upon hours and freezing your hiny off to maybe see a deer is, to me, crazy... to him pure joy. Poor bambi...just kidding, if you can't tell it's an 8 point buck that is a good 150 lbs. so expect some deer meat for Christmas!

Love is everything without an action

living each day choosing to be uncomfortable... It sounds like self-hate huh? Well, today in Church we talked about living outside our comfort zone. whether, it's getting out of the country and into the inner-city, going out instead of staying in, giving it a try rather than wondering what if, speaking out rather than choking down... what ever your comfort is, try stepping out. Say hi to a stranger even when it's hard, strike up a conversation in the grocery store line without knowing what you have in common, ask for help instead of struggling in silence... all of these things are getting out of the norm. It's really no stretch, it's those things that tug on your heart... "just get up out of your chair", "just do it"," just say it"," just hug her"... it's God led intervention into another life and, at times, it's hard and uncomfortable.

What if we saw everyone as God created them... equal. What if when you are sitting at the red light and see a homeless person you really saw a brother or sister in need not the dirty, suspicious-looking shell we choose to see through. Or what if we didn't prejudge a person by the size of their bankbook. What if when we are hurting we just said it instead of acting like we are all OK and hunky-dorey? What if we said those things that may hurt but people need to hear... what if?

There are so many examples in the bible of Jesus doing, saying and living outside the norm and people flocked to Him because He was true. What you saw and what you heard is what you saw lived out without compromise. He gave and gave unconditionally to those God brought to him and then ultimately; he gave his everything for those He knew did not understand but one day would. He gave so that we would have a future.

I don't pretend to think we can live as Jesus did but I know without doubt He is calling us to choose life outside the box. Seeing into one another and caring enough to stop and help when we are called to, give until we can't, and love without limits no matter what. Now, do not misunderstand me, loving without limits is loving and supporting, sometimes... that means having to step back and love from afar, setting boundaries, saying no, and interceding on their behalf from a distance. Love is everything without an action, it's nothing you can just do, it's something you have and only God births. Everything else springs forth from love.

Sound of Strength

There's a song by Casting Crowns called the "Voice of Truth" and it talks about getting out of the boat your in and walking on water. To me, this hit home because I get stifled in the thought that I am stuck or have hit a dead end. I am Probably a lot like the disciples in the boat, they thought there was no way out but, Jesus showed by example that, there is always a way out.

Peter is the only one that got out of the boat and he's the only one who personally experienced the miracle of walking on water. It's not something everyone wants to do... stepping out into an uncomfortable situation, everyone wants the miracle but without the sacrifice of self it takes to get it. Not that we can do anything to make a miracle but it takes faith. We tend to stay close to home, where we are comfortable with the familiar surroundings and happenings. We trust what is proven to be trustworthy and rarely take a chance without a safety net.

What is that? Why can't we trust Jesus and live outside of our comfort zone? Well, for me, it's fear and disobedience. A fear that I will be hurt and the disobedience is my constant ability to focus on anything and everything to keep busy, especially when I am feeling overwhelmed emotionally.

What if I, like Peter stayed in God's will and kept my focus on God more than staying busy? What f I stepped out of my little comfy boat that I keep just barely afloat and planned my day solely around what God desires? Really, that's what Peter, David, Daniel, Job and Mary (to name just a few) did, they stepped away from the norm and lived in "God's zone". Maybe it wasn't every minute of every day but each life tells a story of taking a step out and finding a victory like none they would have never dreamt.

The next (and most touching part to me) part of the song is "I stand and listen to the sound of Jesus singing over me". I completely and whole-ly believe that when we step outside the box we have put God in, that Jesus celebrates over us... that's what He died for, our life as a child of God and to have the choice to live that way.

Why with all of this, do we still live like we are powerless and defeated? HMmm....

confessions of a blank mind...

I feel like I need to say this although I assume I have been transparent with my many struggles. Being a Jesus-devoted christian is not saying that I have it all figured out or that I have any answers. EVERYTHING on this blog is pure interpretation by me. I don't pretend to be up on anybody, in fact, I am finding that when I think I may be getting it all figured out... there's more to do.

I just love to know that the pressure is off... when I get tired of doing it on my own, overwhelmed from going on ahead or just in a fit of rebellion... I have a God waiting for me to surrender to Him. I know that my life is what it is because of Him and I am because He chose to let me.

I guess a blog is just my way of working it all out, think it through and process the mysteries of life. I am glad to take you along just come at the risk of this knowledge.... I have no answers, get them from God. = )

Waiting...

I just gave a sister-friend some advice, I said "don't rush it and don't get overwhelmed but wait on God to deal and sort things out in you and through you". In hind-sight I see that my advice, as true as it is, can be harder to accomplish than just spouting off a few words. I think wait is one of the top most used words in the Bible. Noah waited for the waters to recede, The Israelites waited, everybody had to wait at some point and if they did not... trouble befell them.

So, how do you WAIT? What if all of life starts closing in, your heart just can't take another beating and you are just barely hanging on? What then, how long can you hold onto the rope? Well, the answer is... not long enough.

Waiting means giving God the burden and trusting Him to unload it as He sees fit. I know, for those of us that don't really know how to trust... that's a lesson that has to come first. We have to be able to trust to be able to survive. We are not made to handle all that life dishes out but, Jesus was and through Him, we can bear anything. We can not face the sins of this world and have hope. God loved us and made a way, He built a bridge between us that overcame the sin and the bridge was Jesus. Jesus carried the weight for all of our sin (past, present and future) to the cross. So if He can give His all for us we can safely trust in Him for what we can not see.

Waiting... to me, means having to trust God and know that he has a better view.

Fog

Sitting here thinking about my day ahead I find that there is so much fog in my view. Fog, the fuzzy distractions that don't really accomplish anything but steal away time and energy. Sometimes we add the fog to avoid those chores that we have to do but would rather ignore hoping that they will just disappear or a miracle of God will come and it will be done. That's how I am with home chores... could I procrastinate any more? You don't know the answer but it a resounding NO! Some fog rolls in virtually undetected to subtly steal your focus or attention. Some fog co es in so dense you can't see anything but the distractions.
What is this Fog and where does is come from? Well, I believe that our enemy is waiting to roll in at times when we are weak, confused, DISTRACTED, hurt, sad, depressed, angry and when we are totally focused, on the right path and just stop and let our guard down for a millisecond. Face it, our enemy thrives on the element of surprise and when at war... you can never let your guard down.

Eph. 5:15-17
Be very careful, then, how you live- not as unwise but as wise, 16 making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. 17 Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.

Eph. 6:10-20
The Armour of God
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armour of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armour of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled round your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. 19 Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20 for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

Ouch

This was just a thought today.

So many times I want to not open up and allow people in because of fear. A fear that they won't like me, a fear that they will hurt me or a fear that something will go drastically wrong. However, it has become easier for me to do this being dependant on God to bring people to me, rather than doing it n my own. But, still I tend to grow weary and today as I said a temporary good-bye to a sister and friend my heart said ouch and it dawned on me that I had been touched profoundly by this person and that part of being touched is allowing the ouch of intimacy that comes and goes but doesn't run and hide.