reconcilling more than a year

looking back over the past year and realizing that again, another year is slipping away. I am forced to deal and work out all of those financial issues that I have let go. Like making sure everything is in check and ready to close out, that it is all in order for future reference, tying up loose ends and reconciling the years profit and losses. I am not a financially minded person but this is what I imagine has to happen in preparation for the next year to make sure it is not all jumbled in with the coming new year.

Well, of course, I just ran with this. If we are so meticulous with our money, why can't we reconcile our year emotionally too? Why don't we deal with, work out, clean up and tie up all the loose ends so we don't just carry them over and over and over year after year? God has great plans for us, each of us individually, and if we are all tied up in the past how can we embrace the future? You have to let go of one thing to take hold of another, if not you split your time, focus and attention. Nothing is going to be as magnificent or as profitable if you don't give it you full attention. Quit splitting and start giving life your very best.

So, how about this year when the year begins to draw to a close... you reconcile more than just your bank book?

Peter walked on water too

Do you know the story? Exhausted and worn down Jesus sent the 12 diciples onto the lake for rest from the multitude. Jesus stayed and told the people to return home and then, after everyone had gone, he fled for solitude up to the moutains to pray alone. When he came down the boat was already out too far and the winds made it nearly impossible for them to return to pick Jesus up. So, Jesus set out on foot to walk across the water to get to the boat.... as you and I can imagine, surely there was complete silence and awe as they watched their friend, mentor and soon tyo be Savoir come closer and closer doing the unthinkable. More than that, they called to Jesus and Jesus invited them to get out of the boat and come to him. No one dared EXCEPT Peter. Petrer kept his eyes and focus on Jesus and he walked on the water. Only when he felt overwhelmed and took his eyes and focus off Jesus did he begin to sink. Even in his doubt, Jesus held out his hand and kept him afloat.

This story is just so amazing to me, not just in the miricle itself but the challenge: Jesus knew that they were able He didn't need proof but He challenged them to believe in what He already knew to be true.

You know what, I could tell you much more about what this story says to my heart but I want to ask you... what is God asking you to believe, what challenge is He asking you to meet?

taking a chance

I guess it all really comes down to the question... am I going to take a chance? Call it what you want but everything comes down to a choice, will I trust? Is God really there for me? Is this job going to be right? The possibilities are endless, the ultimate nitty-gritty is... am I going to take a chance. It is repetitive isn't it? Well, it is a huge question with need for great thought.

In thinking about this I see many times in the past that I have said no, I won't take that chance and come back later to find that the chance was gone and the time had passed. Let's break it down, how do we make a decision? I usually am faced with a situation and respond emotionally, then common sense sets in. I usually take the big ones to God and check with Him and sometimes I get an immediate response and other times... I get silence. I am not really good with silence, that's usually when I get in the most trouble is when I am trying to fill the silence. Anyway, from there I try to make the best INFORMED decision that I can and stick to it. I have learned recently that it helps to plan ahead. I make up my mind as to my goal and then every response from then on is based on if that decision will take me closer to or farther away from my set goal. I find my chances are fewer and I tend to take more of them because it cuts down so much of the unnecessary blah blah that tends to steal my focus (which I have to say is extremely easy).

So, tonight I was just thinking about what and how I tend to function - good, bad and different - (I was told today that I needed to get my ducks in a row and that I could do it even if my row didn't look like the others). Even though it was a light-hearted statement (true as it is) it was a gentle whisper to my soul... "it's Ok, you are different but I made you that way". It used to be my biggest fear that I was different, weird or that I would not fit in but now God has turned that fear into thanks. I am thankful That my Father made me different, that I can see things the way I do and that the gifts and talents He has given me are mine alone. I also find such joy in exploring those things in others, it's a true blessing to uncover or benefit from God's grace in and through His work in other people. Instead of asking myself, I am going to take this chances, as negative, if you can just change your perspective those "chances" can be unexpected presents for you on your journey.

Created for more...

Eph. 2:10 reads:
"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, for which God prepared in advance for us to do".

This verse says that we, each child, God Breathed, and alive, are created to do great things. Have you ever looked around a room full of people wanting to stand up and just say your thoughts only to be almost glued to your seat in fear? What kept you in your seat? I find that way too often, I let that little but, all too often, very loud voice run over my God-given voice. Like writing, how long have I struggled with just doing what I love without the whole worth/deserving thing going on in my head? Please, I am the biggest wimp when it comes to being who I am. I am terrified that it won't be good enough, I won't be accepted or I might be "weird". Just so you know, I am weird. I say random things, speak when I should have kept my mouth shut and I say about everything that comes to mind. However, you know what that makes me? An individual. I am a one of a kind child of God that struggles to find and stay with Him all day in this non-God focused world.
Each of us is made for good works that he has prepared in advance for us.... that means that God has planted a vision in you and in me. He has set a vision for us as individuals, why do we spend out energy constantly searching for our purpose when it's all right here? God created us for His purpose a purpose that He chiseled out and set deep within each of us.
IF we lived as His children, truly seeking Him breath by breath, I am convinced that we would know and fulfill our good works much faster. God says, not only has he planned out our purpose in advance but His plans for us are for hope and a future not for harm.
We wonder why we have so many lost generations wandering about life feeling that we are made for more but convinced that we don't have what it takes to achieve it. There is a very real enemy out there and His agenda is to steal our purpose. We can be robbed blind in confusion, fear, unforgiveness, bitterness, disbelief, pride, hate, and the list can just run on and on...God's word is true my friends and we need to know it, live it and share it. So, next time that little voice creeps in, defy it and stand up for Jesus and be not ashamed of what Good deeds God has planned for you... it's not for them... it's all for God's glory!

thinking of you... and me

I step out and I over think it, I just know I am gonna sink.
In my heart God rings clear, "be still child, Do not fear"

with every breath my head is spinning, is this really a new beginning?
Can I change enough to make it? Or am I going to juggle and fake it.

So many people can do it and still be free, what's so different about me?
I can't remember the horror of why I left it's there inside but deeply kept.

Was it as bad as I first thought, or into all of the hype have I bought?
I am so confused and unsteady... I am terrified that I am not ready.

Then as I sit spiraling down in despair,
in the depths of my pit I found God there.
He said He knew of all I feared,
His everlasting love was now on my heart seared.

He said, "stay close my child, do not run ahead in haste".
This path is narrow and we have no time to waste".

"If you follow close then you will see,
you are never alone it's always you and Me".

"I Am. for the present, future and your past.
Your pain and suffering shall not last"

"Yes, I was there every single day,
you chose to spend living in a purple haze"

I have waited for you and provided all you would accept,
my love for you is forever kept.

You my child, have sewn some seed,
but now is the time to hear and to heed.

I am here forever never to move,
always for comfort, love and to soothe.

I am but a call in distance,
but you have to give up all resistance.

Take rest child and see... all I want is for you to be free.

All of those things that you thought before,
left you hurt, bound up and your mind in an uproar.

Those things you miss,
tied you tight... and soon you gave up the fight.

Now, before you is a narrow path indeed,
lined with the fruit of MY seed.

The path may be narrow but the choices are not few,
for I know the plans that I have for you.

You my child are a very special kind
made with the hands of the most high and divine.

For I chose you long before you were born,
and not for a life where you will just mourn.

I chose you, equipping, refining, leading, and teaching you to be a warrior.
You my child, I created for so much more.

It's time to rise up and take a step out,
take a stand and test my strength out.

I am here and as long as you remain,
your battles will not be fought in vain.

That's the difference between this time and before,
now you have chosen and open the door...

It's no longer just you in this fiery fight, it's you in me and there is no comparing to our might.

The war is won and the end is foretold, but we still must fight for The streets of Gold.

All God's creation shall one day bend a knee, and you my child will be there to see.

In My Stillness

As I sat and began to quiet myself, I struggled to stop my mind from reeling. My thoughts kept going to the tasks of my day, what I had done, how I had done things and pouring over all that I left to do in the little day I had left. Be still, I thought to myself. My mind would not yield so I began to pray:
"God you are to me the very breath I need. You are my redeemer, provider, rescuer, Father, lover of my soul, the Alpha and Omega, my healer, sustainer and my strength."
I just began to praise Him then, I asked for quiet and told him that I wanted to honor Him with my stillness. I prayed that any deceiving spirits would be bound and cast out so my focus could be solely on God. So, I sat down and offered God my silence and my stillness. (for any of you that know me... that is hard to imagine, I rarely ever close my mouth especially for an extended period of time). Every time my mind would begin to wander, I just uttered the name of God.
In my stillness I heard Him speak to me. It was as clear as a midnight sky. It wasn't audible but spoken to my very spirit. He said, Do NOT LOSE HOPE.
He reminded me that hope isn't just a feeling that we have that a time or situation will get better but the Hope of God's coming glory. It's so much bigger than a feeling it's the innate knowledge that something else is in control of the big picture.
I began to dwell on what I was hearing and I wondered, have you ever been hopeless?
I have, and it bread in me a: loneliness, shame, isolation, self-pity, hurt and the feeling of worthlessness. Without hope I had no faith that things could get better and without faith I had no strength to fight the fight and without fight I had lost the battle which sent me into a cycle of nothing good. So, God reminded me to not forget His hope. To me, where I have been... this is exactly what I needed to hear.

He is ALWAYS faithful to give us exactly what we need. Thank you Jesus for your unconditional, ever present, and unchangeable love.

School Fears

Well, just a short blurb that goes to show just how i can get off the focus of the day... I have been, pretty consistently, pushing this thought to the back of my mind. So, instead of ignoring it, I am bringing it to the light... I don't know if i can handle the fact that next year, Eli will enter kindergarten and Zach, well Zach will be a Senior in high school.
Overwhelmed is an understatement. My oldest will be preparing to fly on his own and my youngest... it will mark the end of the days we can just stay home and cuddle all morning watching cartoons, singing silly songs and reading books in bed at lunch time. Not only for E and I but for me... forever. A change of season is close on the horizon and I am not ready.

God,

you know my heart and my inner most thoughts and fears so, you already know that I am a bit wobbly on the inside. You also know that I tend to focus on anything but what hurts. So God as I begin on this journey I pray that you and I find a closer place of meeting, that as you grow me and stretch me I may come through this transition knowing you more.
I thank you Father for being a God that stays with us through the whine, the anger, the pity, the rebellion and the joy of coming around. You may not agree or will us to take the long road but you are a loving and patient God that is willing if we are willing.
Thank you for blessing me beyond what I could imagine.
In the most precious name of Jesus I pray, AMEN

just being OK

I have been burdened lately by my excessive need for more. A new house, a new car, new furniture, a beautifully landscaped yard (not by me) and a maid. These are just some of the things that cross my mind in my daydreams. These are just the thoughts that effect me, I could think about all of the opportunities available to my children things they could benefit from and struggle with over booking them too.

How do I get so discontent?

I believe that my discontentment comes from my perspective (or my focus). I think when I concentrate on the things I do not have it really effects the things that I am blessed with. Considering my past and the fact that I never dreamed of a future because I didn't think I would have one, makes it all the worse. I do stand with my last blog that this is a society of ADD and ADHD handicapped peoples. I don't think you have to be diagnosed with it to struggle with it. My understanding is that basically it's the inability to maintain focus or composure in a public or private environment. There is a difference in suffering with this very real condition and the manner in which I am using the terms (loosely to make an observation).

So, back to my struggle. I knowingly suffer with the effects of ADD when it comes to keeping my focus even when its not fun. What do I do about keeping my perspective? So far God has been very faithful to gently remind me of my many blessings, and the fact that I have done nothing to earn them He just loves me and wants me to be happy.

I don't know how to walk that fine line between my hopes and dreams and coveting something that I don't have. I do know that if I am starting my day in the Word of God, staying in touch with my Father throughout the day and making decisions based on His leading then... this wouldn't even be a blog, much less a struggle. So see, it is all in my perspective and what I choose to focus on. today I was just thinking and all of this was to say that today... I am OK with being just OK.

Things people say

Why is it that ten people can give me a wonderful compliment and one person can say nothing and I will obsess about that one persons silence until I am knocked unconscious or my attention is diverted? What is it in the power I give to that one person that skews my whole outlook of a particular event?

Well, to be completely honest... I suffer from a very low self esteem and a cup half empty complex. I am working on it because I see some of what God has done in me and I like it! still, I wonder why we tend to give people so much thought instead of just being who we are and not making apologies or wishing we were more "normal". I am not going to jump on that soap box but let's just get this clear... THERE IS NO NORMAL!!!!! (There is abnormal... just kidding, I just had to expand on and confuse us all).

I am sure that there are many reasons and theories but I am going to share mine. It's focus, in an ADD - ADHD world we don't know how to keep our focus. As a christian where should my focus be? On God. why? Because if I focus on you or me, I get into HUGE trouble. I make selfish choices and end up isolated and feeling guilty. So, in the word: Job 36:16-22

16 He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food.17 But now you are laden with the judgment due to the wicked; judgment and justice have taken hold of you. 18 Be careful that no-one entices you by riches; do not let a large bribe turn you aside. 19 Would your wealth or even all your mighty efforts sustain you so you would not be in distress? 20 Do not long for the night, to drag people away from their homes. 21 Beware of turning to evil, which you seem to prefer to affliction. 22 God is exalted in his power. Who is a teacher like him?

We are told how it works right here. If we let other people's judgement "laden" us, or let other people entice or influence us, long for wealth or things we don't have because we think they will make us happy, or covet what other people have... it equals - misery. If our focus stays on God and what He has for us: Isiah 48:17-18

17 This is what the LORD says- your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. 18 If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea.

then we are satisfied, wholly and completely. This was really just for me I needed to hear it again because I tend to get caught up in what I think people think and my focus should be on how to please God.

A try at "no so" fiction - 2

On the other side of the door is a young couple bubbling with anticipation of a baby girl to complete their family. The missing one that they could not have on their own so they prayed for and endured years under a microscope for to finally become adoptive parents to this tiny baby.
So much already rides on the shoulders of this tiny baby. The emotional bond broken between mother and child and the beginning of growth between a new mother and father.
Let's go back a bit and see the foundations that brought these two families together.
First, Patty. She is a pretty young girl just starting out in her adult life. Do her parents know, does anyone know? Does she have anyone to help her through this? The day she found out that she was pregnant,what must have gone through her mind. She thought about just taking the easy way out and having an abortion but fear and guilt weighed in for the favor of the child. So, what now? Did she leave home alone to walk this road by herself out of shame? Can she walk away and never look back?
Meet Caroline and John, they have everything, the whole package (to the eye). They have two boys and Caroline always dreamed of having a little girl of her own to love and pamper.
He is a plastic surgeon and she a socialite extraordinary. Together these two can give this baby everything a child could want or need.
Just on the other side of the door John and Caroline wait impatiently for there first glimpse of their new baby girl. the door begins to open and this time it is she. Col. Tremont is holding a tiny baby swaddled in blankets... they are speechless and brought to tears. Finally, after all the years their hope has become reality.

A try at "no so" fiction - 1

It's a beautiful fall day, the wind is cool but not yet holds the chill of winter. The sun is shining and the sky is clear. There are leaves of all colors falling from the tops of the trees onto the grass and covering the narrow streets of New Orleans.
You would never know the beauty of the season from the inside of the hospital. On the 5th floor, up high you would think the colorful trees would be a sight to behold but, on the delivery ward there is little time to sit and look out the small sliver windows that are basically ignored in the hustle and bustle of the demanding atmosphere.
The ward is pretty full today and the mother's to be are a wide range of girls from; excited young wives anticipating their first babies, single mom's, second and third timers, and some that will come in as a mother and leave without the child they have chosen to carry and deliver to term.
Meet Patty, she is a young girl of 20 and very scared. She is one that has chosen to give her baby up. Maybe she was unprepared, maybe a victim of a crime, caught in a bad situation or maybe just feels all alone? She is here because her time has come, she is ready to give birth to this child she has nourished in her womb for the past 9 months. Lots of thought, tears and struggle have surrounded this day but, today it is clear. This will be the hard part and the beginning of a new life for both mother and child, apart.
I imagine the fear that grew as this day came closer. So many emotions and decisions riddled with fear, "am I doing the right thing" and all of the "what ifs". So many possibilities and no promises just a hope that this decision would turn out to be the right one.
In the hospital room, as the labor pains begin, she begins to think. Everything is going so fast, what is going to happen, how can I do this, how can I not do this, if only... I could go back.
With a extremely painful contraction, reality sets back in and she just reserves her will to do this for the greater good and think later. She shuts down er overwhelming emotions and goes through the birth as best she can.
As the baby girl is brought into the world for her first breath, the nurse asks Patty what she would like to name the baby. "Cynthia", she answers as the baby is taken away. The nurse must not have known of what she asked her, would it have been easier to leave or just walk away without a name? Now, there is a connection.

the fear of love

Isn't this a little true of all girls? We give out freely what we think people want but when it comes to the deep inside... all we have left. We hang on tightly, protecting what little we have left. We don't want the hurt, pain and devastation that comes with love (friendship or husband). God can reside in our hearts and we can still be broken off from completeness in relationships due to fear. Maybe it was a silent statement... I will NEVER do that again or I will never share that part of me ever again. The pain is excruciating when we open our selves up and become vulnerable and we are shot with betrayal. God is the key... I have made many such statements to my soul and you know what? I have stayed bound and in pain anyway. I know I missed some blessings by being unwilling to hear God, obey and step out. Does God say we will never be hurt? No, does He say He will only bring things to us that He can use for Good? Yes! So,(assuming mostly adults read this) our part is to model this venerability for our children. They need to know God is in control of ALL areas of our lives, even the pain. We need to touch lives, invest in people so that one by one people become faith believers again. We need to know above all things that God is in control.

On the other side of his is choice. There are somethings that happen in our lives that are done to us and we get left with the crud of dealing with it and some things we do and have to live with the consequences. Both are actually choices. The choice is in how you are going to deal with it. Are you going to stay the victim and glaze over any good that can come out of a situation? Are you going to wait forever for a validation or an apology that may or may not relive your pain? Or are you going to give it to God and let Him work it out in you? See God is in control BUT we have the gift of free-will. We have to choose if God is going to win in our heart or will the ever-present deceiver win another battle of the heart?

Is God big enough to wipe out all struggles for us? Yes. God is big enough for anything and every challenge but who wants something that doesn't want or appreciate them? he wants us at our will and He goes to extreme lengths to woo us to Him. So, in leiu of this isn't there a little of that girl in all of us?

finding common ground

I met this girl and we hang out. This has been going on since about March and I am as confused as ever. To the eye she is rough, mean and a bit scary. To me, she is wounded, deceived and bound in layer upon layers of dysfunction. On top of all this, she may suffer from a chemical imbalance and a life-long health issue she has to deal with. That's the surface... underneath she has the wounds to match. She has been in the state system since she was taken out of the home and abandon as a little girl. She has been abused, neglected and fallen between the cracks and on top of all this... when she turned 18, she was no longer cared for by the state put out and now homeless so her feeling of being abandon and alone... validated.

We all have our "issues" and wounds we have to work through but how do you shine light through to someone who doesn't recognize it? God's job is saving her but mine... encouragement. He planted and righteous burden in my heart for her and He has given me a glimpse of who she is or can be. My struggle is taking my "feelings" out of it. She is at times sweet, caring, responsible and trying then in a split moment she is short, angry, spiteful and scary. I have tried everything I know to connect with her and while I "think" that is finally happening... we back slide. I know God knit us together just as much for me as for her and I have faith that eventually... this will all show His work in and out.

Times...they are a changin'

Well, like I wrote a little bit about earlier... Z got a car. His grandparents gave them their car and fixed it up, they painted it, fixed the interior, detailed it and pimped out the stereo system for him. It was great of them to bless him in such a huge way!

Well shortly, after my last blog (five days to be exact). I arrived home from a lock-in with C at about 6:45 AM Saturday morning to another rampage of the battle of the yards. We couldn't even get in the front door, it was wrapped and silly stringed, so we used the garage. We ignored the mess, crawled up the stairs into bed for some much deprived sleep.

Z had to work at 10:00 so around 9:15 he came in for a shirt : ) So I got up ironed his shirt and walked down with him to see the annihilation of our yard. At about 9:30 he pulled out of the drive on his way. Now, every time he leaves in the car I get a pang or "pain" is more like it. This day, nothing out of the ordinary. I felt no gut feeling for him to stay home nor did a little voice say tell him to be extra careful.... nothing.

Enter the next picture... probably just short of 5 minutes later I get a call from him... "Mom.... uh, I've been in an accident". At that point, honestly, I thanked God that He could call. Then Mom-sense set in... "we will be right there". All was Ok everyone involved was uninjured and the scene was mellow. Z was visibly shaken but holding it together. I told him that this was it, he had wrecked and this could just be a "gimme" for all of the kids for all time. I don't want another call about any of them.

The story goes on but the lesson are for Z. He has a lot to learn and deal with, 16 is so young for all that responsibility. I am proud of him, he is doing fine it's just hard to sit back and let him have the pains of growing up. I am a rescuer and peace maker so I want to fix it and glaze it all over so everything is OK. What he needs is space to fly or "crash" on his own and feel the fullness of his choices and mistakes. Only then will he grow in this process, don't get me wrong... I am right there if he needs me but for now.... my lesson and job require me to stay back out of God's business.

Oh, what a day!

It's a regular day, J is getting up and around and I don't have to so, I am lounging around in bed now that I have the WHOLE thing to myself : ) Today is the day that Z and J are going to Chattanooga to pick up Z's first car. So, while lying there I decided that this was a picture worthy day but my camera was in the car AND J hates my car because it's... well, uh - lived in and LOVED - allot! So, to spare him the agony and stress, I got up and went to get the camera.

As I descended the stairs and reached for the door knob I glanced up through our sheer curtains and behold a vision.... OK, it wasn't a vision. It was toilet paper, lots of flowing toilet paper from the very tops of the trees to the very bottom. and that's not all, we have tampon accents tied to the branches and a sea of forks, knives and spoons stuck in the dirt throughout the yard.

See, it's official! Not only is he growing up now other women are competing for his attention. No, really I am kidding but I am having a difficult time knowing that God is adding on the last few "must haves" before his final test flight in 2008. I know he will constantly be upgrading all through life but the basics... he's got them. I have never been so proud or so torn up inside at the same time. All of this from a few rolls of toilet paper... who'd a thunk it?

You may be bored at my ramblings or wonder what is the point? The point is: I could have been angry and refused to clean it up and let Z take care of it later - there WAS a clue... a sole gatorade bottle left behind (it actually crossed my mind to get DNA - too much CSI, I guess even though I assume that the barer of the DNA is probably under the age of having a federal wrap sheet)... Or I could look at it for what it is: a milestone and a reminder.

God is so complete in His growing us and stretching us that even a trashed yard can be a blessing. I actually took joy with every step of picking up stuff because I was remembering just where Z's been and a little glimpse of where he's going - to heaven - eventually. I just was there and God just blessed me through the ummm... 10ish rolls of toilet paper.

So it goes to show, anything can be profound, its just if you are listening or not.

limbo

So again, it's been a bit between blogs. I have been stumped but not so stumped. You know, where you see it but just can quite get there? For a long time now God has been teaching me and stretching me and refining my ways and while I know that never completely stops... I am hoping it will hit a lull here pretty soon. I am just left spinning. I have bitten off more than I can chew so when God begins revealing things to me... I have left no time for processing the lessons.

A lesson for you all: Say no, turn the ringer off and unplug the computer and take the time to work out what God is doing in you. the quicker you do this the shorter the road (usually, this is not a guarantee).

I am still working it all out, I'm just a little overloaded (self-induced). Anyway, why this for a blog? I guess I just needed to write it out to understand it and plus... while I am on the computer, no one dares to interrupt (it's my sanctuary). So, I just had to cry out and claim my SANCTUARY for my sanity.

I am so thankful to my God that He never shakes His head and gives up but instead knows just how to capture my attention and passion.

The call of the wild

The streets have a call
it isn't heard by all
the bewitching is a captivating thing
it keeps the heart from knowing how to sing
even though they tear down and destroy
theres something about it that mocks true joy.

I see the girls and the pain in their eyes
Oh, why can't they see the lure of the skies.
walking, pushing, lying, needing how did we get here?
hoping to escape but again hearts are seared.

Closed and shut down so NO ONE gets in
not to be hurt by the judgement of their sin
a vow to never be weak again
and a lifetime of lies and deceit begins.

once there was a little girl
and now deep down there is a hidden pearl,
a hope that has been so pushed down
she doesn't know if she'll ever be found.

In comes God, with His perfect hand
to pick her up and restore her land.
"Could it be? this isn't all for me
where I have been He can't know or see".

Ah, my child but don't you know
all this time I have been where you go
I walk beside you in every step
you my child, I have never left.

Come to me my weary one
just one step and healing has begun.
I don't ask for perfection or more than you can give
come with Me and choose to live

I was there when everyone else walked away
yes, I was there on every single day.
I cried when you couldn't and pain seared my heart too
All of this time I have been chasing after you

I want you to know, that I am all you need
In you my child I have already planted the seed.
I know you won't come until you are good and ready
I am here for the long haul, forever, I am steady.

So when the pain comes too much to bare
reach out to me, I will still be there
I can help you live and breath
I am the only one who can let you free.

Come my child, it's been so long
life without you is just wrong
open your heart just one more time
I promise with me, life will be fine.

So, can you step out
so I can step in
and together true life in you can begin.

A profound statement...

"Stop telling God how big your storm is.
Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!"

to school or not to school...

Well, it is just so weird having children... they are all so different. I mean they can look alike, have similar dis-likes and talents but they are completely different creatures.

We have had some difficulties and struggles in the school area. We have had one child that is OK in that area, we don't even really remember having to teach him to read (I think he was born literate), but has a struggle in the social area. Then we have one that flourishes in the spot-light but struggles in academics... and THEN, we have one that doesn't hit any chart at all, out of the box, so-to-say.

What to do, what to do... how important is academic acceleration. What about just doing the best you can and keeping your heart in tact? I mean, what if you never make an honor roll or excel in a subject that doesn't include a ball. Where is the line and balance? Is there a balance of a healthy heart and pushing someone to do their best without tearing a rip in who they think they are vs. the amazing creature they were created to be. We all want to be good at what is put before us and if we constantly are being told we aren't meeting that expectation then what are we to do? Where is the balance? Do we drop our expectations and nurture what areas are successful? Do we keep pushing even when we see it has left a lasting mark?

To school or not to school is all about the bottom line... how important is the heart vs. academic performance? I know we have to seek anything to find out anything but what about HOW we seek. I am I still doing my job set before me by God if I take an alternate route? So to school or not to school?

And, while I am babbling... why can't our educator (as a whole) teach in all ways? It is proven and undisputed that all children learn differently, why can't we accommodate that without having to "modify" life for them?

I am, praying about this but my very human side is emotionally fueled and in need of a little dumping.

"it doesn't matter"

OK a little venting is good for the soul right? The phrase "it doesn't matter" is SO not what it seems. Honestly, Have you ever used those words and it really... really did not matter? I have heard these words from just about every person close to me lately and I could tell before they were uttered that whatever it was... it mattered! A situation you can not control... It doesn't matter; a friend hurts you unknowingly... it doesn't matter; a spat ends in a draw... it doesn't matter. This could go on and on, right? So why do we short change ourselves and just choke down our feelings and become complacent.
Is it a way of avoiding? Uh, NO - cause you feel it anyway and you have to deal with it anyway all your doing is leaving the other person in the ever-loving land of oblivion.
Is it fear? What are we afraid of, is it that we might not get our way, might not be validated or is it just if we don't address the situation that we can really pretend it didn't happen? Yeah right, that seems to work one out of ...never-times.
Is it we just don't trust the person with our true feelings? Ouch, that one hurts. Could that be a factor? Hm-mm....
I don't know the answer but I do know that when someones says it doesn't matter... it does!