I am not YOU ARE

You are the master creator, Alpha and Omega, my redeemer, restorer and the lover of my soul. You are ever present and always with me. You come to hold me when I am sad, you discipline me when I have gone astray and you know me from the very fibers you knit me together with in the womb. You were there in my pain and you are there in my healing. You set the timing for all of it.
Lord today, I fear. I am scared and although I know you are there and working ahead for your purpose, I am scared. I know you, I have seen your hand print on my life consistently and I feel you near to me- I still fear. I trust you and I have seen the glory you can make out of a disaster. I have seen you allow miracles around me and still I fear.
So today, I will say I am not....but, YOU ARE! I will praise you in my fear and I will believe that your plan is in the works and I will trust what I know is true, I am not but, YOU are the I AM.

The Cable Guy

Colossians 4:2 Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful.

Today the cable guys were here doing more work than they had planned on or expected. I tried to keep them hydrated and as comfortable as possible and chatted just a bit with both of them. One of them made a comment to me that really made me think. He said, “You sure are accommodating, much more than what I am used to, it seems like people these days are grumpier than when I first began doing this”. I replied, “I guess it is our modern day society, people have been spoiled, they want it fast and if they have to wait at all it is considered an inconvenience”.

Wow, this really brought home how we expect everything to be fast and easy. Look at our marriage/divorce rates, our investment in convenience foods, faster phones, faster computers, facebook – you can announce anything immediately and saturate your friends circle moments after anything exciting happens  (we instantly share our lives).

Today, I was not in a hurry, I did not care to wait in fact, I was grateful that they were invested in their jobs enough to do the work right since it was “lacking” from the previous cable guy. I anticipate that the end result will be proper working Internet, phones and cable TV. Therefore, I am willing to wait patiently.

Aren’t the best things in life worth waiting for? We wait 9 months for a precious baby, we wait (usually) to plan a wedding and the Honeymoon, we wait and prepare for a job, we wait for those things that matter. Why can we not wait patiently? Like in our prayer life, can you honestly say you wait patiently in you prayer life? I can not, I have learned where and when to take my life happenings, wants and needs to the Lord but, waiting on Him is a skill that I have still not a mastered.

Much like the cable guy experienced, I seem to be consistently impatient when it comes to waiting on God to lead me in whichever path is right. I tend to go before and sometimes I pick the right path but, I miss the blessing of peace because I have gone on before and am a nervous wreck because I have gone out on  my  own  instead of waiting on the master technician to show me how to do the job right.

So, maybe next time you (I) - we find ourselves in a tizzy because we have not waited steadfast in our prayer lives and are riddled with doubt and wonder how did we get here? ….remember the cable guy, stop, pray and wait.

Just breathe and be patient. Nothing He has planned for us will pass us by if we are praying in His will, being obedient and waiting faithfully. In HIS time we will get the job done, right and without being riddled with doubt for His glory not ours. Doesn’t that sound so much better than the original scenario? I think so!

Mosaic

So it occurred to me today that I needed to write about the beautiful Masterpiece that God designs in all of His children.

Good, bad and indifferent all of the people we meet, love and encounter in our lives leave a piece of that experience with us. Every choice we make, word we say, all of it contributes to the work of art that is being sculpted and refined in us by the very hand of God.
I have learned that even the horrible things, that are almost void of any trace of God are also, part of the masterpiece. The moutain-top successes are part of it and even the things we miss and just walk on by missing the blessing, they all contribute to who we are.

I have seen it in my own life as well as I am seeing it vividly in the life of my daughter. She has an natural athletic ability that was becoming her identity throughout middle school. When she started High school something began to happen, she started having breathing problems to the point that she could no longer play soccer safely, a true passion and love of hers. It was shattering to her and very painful to watch. However, in all of this I began to see a lions heart emerge. This was not just an athlete's heart but, a heart that would not give up or give in, no matter the cost. It is year two of high school coming to a close and I could not be prouder of her and the way she has taken the bad and used it as fuel. The beautiful masterpiece is visible and I am in awe of what God can take and use to make us His work of art.

So, remember.... all of it, no matter what it may be, is used for good and will be on exhibit everyday in your life's mosaic.

we are unwritten

I learn many things from being a mother. God has used my children to tech me so much about being selfless, unconditional love and letting go. The latter is the hardest and the most inspiring thing that I have had to experience.
My husband and I used to tell my oldest son, when he was in trouble and being disciplined, that we were "packing his suitcase".  That means that we were trying to instill in him the characteristics that we thought he needed to have "packed" for the day he left home and forged a path out on his own.
I admit, we had plans for our son. We had dreams and expectations for him that were birthed the moment we knew he was going to be. Through middle school all was on track but, then something began to happen, his hopes, his dreams and his plans were not the same as ours.
Well, that was a shocker...we had it all planned out, nice clean cut and pain free. I have to chuckle now, cause my life wasn't like that and I don't know anyone who lives their life happily in someone else's plans and dreams. We thought we had it all planned best-cut, dry, no issues.
This wasn't a bad thing, it was not that he wasn't living up to our dreams or that he was disappointing us...it was not God's plan for him. Our hopes and dreams were ours, not his. That was one of the hardest things that I had to accept.  I had learn to let go so he could grow, learn and make his own way.
We did "pack his suitcase" with wonderful traits that are obvious in his life and although he chooses differently than I would (the 2nd time around-hindsight is 20/20), he is growing, and finding his way.
I guess as a parent, that is what I want in all of my children. I still hope, pray and dream for them but, now my dreams are wide open, the possibilities endless and my expectations? My expectations are that they find their passion and use that to change the world. Sounds too big and like failure ready to happen? They can not fail if they live in what they know is truth and stay connected to their Father in heaven. Will their be failure, disappointment, pain and discouragement? Yes, there absolutely will be all of those things, However, without the bad we would not know the good, success, inspiration and peace. The rest of the story... it's their story. I have my story and you have yours, we are all still unwritten, nothing in stone and no limits.

Wherever they go, whatever path they choose may they always know that they are not alone. When I let them down, hurt or disappoint them may they know there is always someone there for them that will never fail them.
Dear Father in heaven protect their eyes, their hearts and their minds from all of the distractions that will steal from their heart, lie to them and confuse them. May they have the truth of who they are in you written on their hearts forever, never to be erased or forgotten.
Use them and use me, help me to foster their passions and God breathed purpose. Help me to be the mother that you created me to be so, they can be all that you created them to be. Thank you for the honor and privilege to have such the enormous blessing of being called Mom.
I am temporary, you are eternal they are yours do in them what is your will.

Encouragement for the day

So, my day was anointed-I guess if you are more purposeful and focused than I, then everyday is anointed. However, for me....I am coming out of a dessert place named LoDubar in my heart and God declared me fair game today.  I am kind of excited because, I know my Father -and if He is anything, He is purposeful.
Part of my desert place relocation has been disobedience and part lost purpose. God really does have a sense of humor. The lengths He will go to to regain our attention are endless but, when He is so obvious and almost going "ha ha told you so...." It's a bit more personal.

I have known for a very long time that I am to share all that God has done to teach, refine,  restore and create in me for His glory. However, I have been cloudy as to what that looks like so, I have not  done  much to  be obedient  to that  purpose.  Really, I know that I am not  the only one he is  doing such works in (I see the inspiring miracles of His touch everyday) but, I do know I am called to "shout from the rooftops what He whispers in my ear". I think, maybe some of what I communicate can  help someone not feel as alone and encourage them to keep seeking.

So, my first very scary step was to make my blog public (I did years ago) but, only to the unknown and the few people that my very sneaky but, always supportive husband leaked the link to. So, just recently I published a link on my FB page. Oh, how anxious I was, so fearful that people would judge me or criticize me. Then I just put it in perspective....it is NOT ABOUT ME! That truth was so freeing!

There is so much truth out  there but, our biggest disease as people is...we believe the lies first. I have wasted so much time believing that I have nothing to say and that I am not worthy to share. God says, I have am worthy and calls me to share not MY story but His story in me. It changes the whole perspective when you take "you" out of it and make it His.

No matter what it is, fear can corrode our passion if we continue to be victims of the lies and waste precious time being stagnate. A dear friend passed on this quote to me "anyone can die, it takes courage to live". I believe that with all my heart, I know that we have instances of the most courageous and harrowing deaths and I can not ignore that it takes some courage to die with grace but, can't we LIVE courageous and harrowing also?

Do not let fear or lies rob you of your passion and your purpose. LIVE the life you deserve and share who you are, what you love and your dreams. We need a world full of passionate people fighting for the good things. Won't you step out and help inspire others to live harrowing and courageous lives too?



  

where the fight is

I used to have paralyzing night terrors from the time I was a small child through my late 20's to early 30's.  I could blame it on the horror movies I watched as a child or any number of thing that we face day to day but, the truth is that our enemy, as children of God, is willing to do anything to cripple us and bind us so that we are less effective in our God breathed purpose.
It took me years to find the answer to calm my fear. The answer came through a book "Victory over the darkness". All I had to learn to do was call on Jesus. First I began to try to just think the name of Jesus and it would help but, my fear would soon return.  I quickly learned where the real power was...saying his name out loud so the enemy knew I was a child of the reigning King of Kings. Now, I had the knowledge that even evil trembles at the mention of His name. So, when fear pierced my heart and took over my thoughts... I learned to utter the name of Jesus out loud. I then was able to pray through it and now I can stand up and proclaim the name of Christ and ask God to expel anything not of him and to protect our homes our minds and our hearts from the enemies attacks. I never understood the reason for the torment.....
Unfortunately today, my children also struggle with night terrors. However, by the grace of God it has been my blessing to not only teach but, to model my faith by sharing my story with them and together we pray, praise and celebrate that when we are faced with fear...we know that we win! Being saved we have the power of Jesus Christ in us and in that....there is no fear.
So my friends, we need to take seriously the fact that we are being attacked. Just because you ignore it or deny it doesn't mean it isn't happening. Oblivion is not going to protect you from attacks on your heart,  your mind, your marriage or you children. Only your faith and knowledge in God will be your weapons but first, you have to acknowledge that you are in a battle then be the warrior that being God's child requires.
....The reason I believe God allowed and still does allow the torment? It's the only way He could teach me and make me truely understand the power that is in me just by uttering the name of Jesus. O, how He is in the intricate details!

Focus and Joy

So, it has come to my attention in daily conversations and in the back of my mind lately, just how many times we miss the joy that is ours there for the taking. I have wasted so much time being "distracted" by things in my past. Through it all I have actually learned and few things so far.  In my years on this earth (and in yours too, I am sure), I have had many trials, losses and painful events take place that nearly destroyed me. For so ling, I held on to my feelings connected to those past events.  Those "feelings" controlled my ability to invest in my life opportunities and experiences.  Those "feelings" became my knowledge and I was making my decisions and planning my days around my feelings. I had days when nothing happened, no drama, no joy, just a day.... I was not capable of joy. I could not devote my complete focus to anything, even the things I was most passionate about. I was not able to follow through on anything because of my distracted and fragmented state of mind.
So, the difference between then and now? The difference is I know my living, loving Savior.  He brought forgiveness and peace to my mind and heart. He healed those wounds and I began to unknowingly have the ability and blessing of investing all of me, on a daily basis. I am began to realized that I was not so burned out, drained and that I could now actively participate and be present in my opportunities and life experiences.
My marriage...it has always been the most stable thing about me and now.... wow, it is even better and stronger.  Is it perfect? No, but absolutely the one thing that I thank God for Daily (in the good and in the tough).
Another thing that changes with freedom from past pain is focus. Now, I am able to start, follow through and complete tasks, goals and projects.  I have found that if I keep my focus on God and my relationship with Him, all else falls into place in the way it should.  Is it all easy, good and without failure? No, but it is all useful and needed to help me be a better person willing and able to pass on anything of value to others.
Before I accepted Christ, my focus was on my present circumstances. After Christ, I can be present in my daily circumstances not focused by them.

any way you say it, it means the same thing....

OK, so my husband is a reader and most of that reading happens in bed just before we turn out the lights. Last night he was sharing what he was reading with me, which he often does and I like because I am not a big reader myself.  The book he is reading....way over my head, it has huge words and says things like metaphysical and it is about quantum physics. Did I mention that the material was way over my head?
Anyway, what he was reading was like a lullaby to me but, I listened intently and understood the meaning of what the author was saying!  Basically-loosely translated....it was saying that until we take all the negative in our lives and make peace with it we will be out of balance.To every negative there must be a positive. This is so true! God doesn't let anything through his hands into our lives that he can not use for good. Nothing! NOT a thing, no slipping through the cracks, no mistakes. EVERYTHING that is brought to us God intends to bring us through for His glory. So whether you say it in complicated terms or just plain broken english it's the same.
We are not able to function at our full potential if we are distracted by our past. Pain, bitterness, bondage and emotional crippling can take over and we loose our focus.
The book stated a lot of things that there is no way I could ever quote verbatum but, the meaning....it was healing so you can reach your full potential. So, no matter how you choose to say it, it was all the same to me, a good word I needed to hear! :D

bursting the bubble

So I did it, I burst a huge bubble for our youngest child last Thursday afternoon....I told him that now that he was 10 (for only 8 days, I will have you know) he needed to know that, "there was no Easter Bunny - that was not what Easter was about". Really, just about those exact words...I caught him completely off guard and blew the nice safe Easter Bunny bubble right out of existence.
Now, while I do believe that he is old enough to focus on the REAL gift of Easter. In hind sight, I think I could have handled it better.
There really was no need for the out of the blue- shock, I could have had a conversation with him and eased into it but, I didn't take that route. Luckily, he did not freak out on me and it all went fairly well. He said that he "kinda" knew (meaning someone at school had let the cat out of the bag first) I realized what a bullet I dodged and said a quick prayer Thanking God for gifting me with such a resilient child.
I began to see a parallel between the Easter Bunny fiasco and my prayer life. It just struck me, how often do I just blurt out my thoughts and feelings to God in prayer instead of quieting down and having a conversation with my Father God?  I don"t want to miss the blessings and lessons that He has in store for me because I get into a rush and  forget what a bullet I dodged because He took it for me.
Lest I ever forget what an amazing God I have that loved me so much, it pained him to be forever separated from me. He made a way to be with me forever, if I chose, and HE paid the cost through the holy blood of my Jesus, His son and my redeemer. I hope that I endlessly search for the entire weight of the cross and all it encompasses.

The heart of a Lion

God is remarkable in his individual creation of our spirit. We see it everyday, we watch telethons about it, we see newspaper articles about it, we see expose about it on TV, we pay to watch movies that exploit it and it testifies to our souls that there is still good in this world.
The human spirit to me is that voice inside that encourages us to strive for more, that focus's us and drives us in whatever it is that we are passionate about.
I myself see it daily and often am brought near tears at the sight. In this corrupt world filled with all the crud we are surrounded by I look for the human spirit to arise and reassure me that I am not alone.
I am so blessed to be a mom and see the spirit in my children daily however, it's those times that the unexpected happens that we realize that God took so much creativity and care in knitting together His masterpieces you and I.
My daughter just lived out one of these miraculous times for me in what would seem a usual day. That is it...making the ordinary extraordinary. God knit into my daughter's very being a passion for track. She loves to run and is very competitive. It is absolutely one of the most beautiful things I know, to see someone living out their passion. I am partial, however in this instance, I think we can all appreciate this example of how the human spirit can move us, motivate us and encourage us.
She has been on crutches for 8 days and it has been a long 8 days. She has stood by and watched others step into her place and fill her positions and with each passing day doubt has set in, her spirit...downcast and unsure.
On Tuesday she had the opportunity to run full out for the first time since being on crutches. This was a small meet, not special but, to her it was going to be a defining moment. She stepped on the track again and she ran, if you ask me she flew. She was going to be OK was what was on mind mind, she was definitely back! The second race was one she had determined to prove herself, come what may she was going all out, no holds barred, she had resigned herself to leave it all on the track. It was a hard race and as she received the baton they were behind by 15 or so steps. As she took off it looked grim for us to win as we were following a significant lead. As she started into the first turn we all could see that she was catching up. There was hope still alive in this race. she did, she caught up and was neck to neck with the competitor and then as she crossed the finish line she fell. It was horrible to see and for a millisecond  she was motionless. It was one of the scariest moments I have endured as a mom. She was skinned from her temple to her shoulder to her arm, wrists, elbow, thigh, knee just all the way down her body. She was kind of like a drunk person that wants to drive....she kept saying I am alright trying to walk away but, her legs were useless. I believe that she had expelled so much energy that her body just hit empty.
Well, Cassie recovered and went on to run another race still bleeding from the fall. Nobody would have expected her to run, in fact it would have been perfectly acceptable for her to skip the race and go home to tend to her injuries. Instead when faced with the decision she sucked it up, pulled herself together and won her heat in her last race.
I can't tell you how that example of the human spirit testified to my heart in the midst of an ordinary track meet. To many they have told her that they admire her heart and courage and to some they totally missed it, some probably think it was humiliating...to me it makes me more thankful that God is so intricate in His design of His children and how we see His beauty in others everyday.

Things to pass on

It has taken me a lot of thought to come up with my number one can not do without, information to pass on. Just for the record, it may change but so far this is what has proven to completely encroach on absolutely everything if left to fester.
Forgivness...unforgivness will lead to hate, bitterness and will seep into everything you do, plan, love and into your heart. It is a conscious choice we have to make, either to forgive or not to forgive. We fool ourselves into thinking that holding a grudge, punishing the wrong doer, or ignoring the elephant in the room will give us a FEELING of satisfaction.  Our FEELING should not lead our choices the truth of God that we know in our minds should lead our steps. We fall into the enemies trap when we start living by feelings alone. This feeling we can get of "satisfaction", is short lived and is, in fact, a wolf in sheep's clothing, so to speak.  Harboring ill feelings, animosity, or the past against someone will only bind, rob and destroy you in the long run.
In the word are  we are, point blank, told to forgive as we were forgiven period, that's it- no if's and or buts about it. Over the years I have grown to see that God doesn't ask this of us just out of obedience but also because it is the absolute best option for us. Forgiveness allows us to live in the freedom that is our for the taking. So, forgive for your freedom and let God use you in remarkable ways!

Dear God, just be very present within my house, among my children and in my marriage today. Thank you for knowing what words can not define in my heart. Amen.

Do you remember?

for me, a flash of the past and my first moment of "the good ole' days" came while watching my daughter.

I remember being able to connect with the ball, like knowing exactly where it was planning to go and being there to control it. It was like, at times, I was just in motion- not thinking just reacting like the cheesy saying, "be the ball". I remember the freedom and the glory of playing the game. My mind reminds me of the moments where life stopped and total abandon set in. I was a warrior in a battle and fought with all I had and in the end whether victory or defeat came to me, I knew I had given it all and was a champion regardless of worldly results. To me, the game was bigger than life and was where I drew my strength and where I could always let go and be me without holding back. I think the thing I miss the most is the sheer freedom without judgement. Or maybe for me, on the field is the only place I felt "myself".

what 8-16-08 (unfinished)

what do you do when it all weights too much? How do you turn advice and cliches into daily steps to manage the burdens that sometimes absorb all life? It's been so long since I have wanted to share my thoughts because it hurts too much to know I, again, was broken. I know the short version... I took my eyes off the Lord and decided to go at life alone. The much longer version is a kind of adventure where I grew some, shut out the world some, wrapped myself up in denial some and stepped out some. I am realizing that, as I have been on many journeys, this journey was one of age and the reality of those life events you can't dodge no matter how far you go to be a shut in. And even then, you still can't get around the pain and triumph that comes with sharing and building a family.

The most traumatic day ever....

Ok, for the most traumatic day ever.... She gets up and helps get the kids get ready for school. Today they aren't in such a rush so, it is a good day. The older kids catch the bus and it's off to take the little one (lily-one) to Kindergarten. It's a little drive of 10 or so minutes and in that time they chat and laugh as they periodically stop to sing along with the background music. The school carpool line appears all too fast and it's off to work and back to reality with her thoughts. As she drives to work a song comes on the radio called "Jesus bring the rain" and she catches a few moments of morning worship. Thankful is where her thoughts go and flashes of the little things that make life here worth the wait come and go through her mind. The exit she takes everyday, to work comes up and again. reality sets in. As she waits at the light, just a minute from the door of her office, she glances at the people in the cars around her and wonders if they know the joy she does; are they happy, she's wondering what their story is. The light changes and she is off... in an instant-out of the corner of her eye she sees the SUV to her left has come to a screeching halt. She reacts and does that same, in that millisecond, just inches away form sure death, a firetruck speeds through the intersection in route to a nearby emergency. It was Too close to feel like I escaped but, far enough to start to appreciate it.

This was my morning

forgiveness

I have been struggling with the thought of forgiveness lately. There are so many depths to this that I find that I can become quite confused and completely consumed if I take my eyes of the focus.

My question was: can you forgive in the present if you do not know the full extent of the past?

I have some things in my past that have "haunted" me. Over time, to no avail, I have no concrete knowledge of the exact happenings but I do have the overwhelming emotions that linger. So thus, my question.

I have an answer and it covers ALL FORGIVENESS, no matter how catastrophic or how minute. The answer is found in: 1 Corinthians chapter 4 verses 2-5

2 Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful.
3 I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself.
4 My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. 5 Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God.

I may not have a clear vision of all I need to forgive but I most definitely have a concrete answer as to if I can or if I am supposed to... search these verses, there is more than one sole answer - there is a virtual "how to" in it also.

So, forgiveness does require much, in these words I find much for me to do in obedience and in faith to what God says is my responsibility is in the process of forgiveness and judgement..

required faith

well, I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness and how God has taught me about it so far. Lately I have come to see that there are different seasons to forgiveness. Maybe, different levels that we are ready or willing to forgive at one given time. Not that WE pick and choose but, our issues or situations that God brings to us.

Thankfully God is so full of love and grace He steadily stretches us and molds us instead of laying it on us all at once, although sometimes it might feel as though we are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders.

Luckily, God has brought me along like a preschooler, very deliberate, repetitious and holding my hand in much of my required healing and forgiveness. He just knows each of his children so well and leads exactly the way we need.

The thought of required faith came from my own self-evaluation. We all go through seasons and that's OK but lately, I have just checked out. I saw it coming, knew I had a choice but still I went into a hibernation of sorts. I don't see it as all good or all bad because I have had some of both results. However, my point is this, before, during, now and forever will be: I knew that God was saying "be faithful to me." "Believe in me", "trust in me", "know that I will prevail in you" are the only things I could hear. He held my hand as I drew back: scared, full of questions, some doubt and unable to sort any of it out myself.

Now, as I began to come out of it a little, I see that he was asking me to be patient and my saving grace... required faith that no matter where I went, He would come for me.

I found that God really does pursue his beloved, relentlessly and gently.

Can You Blend It?

I hear that there is a show called "Can You Blend It?" It's all about things that can blend or not. So, at the beginning of the show the host comes out with something, for example, an ipod. Then he asks, "can you blend it?" and you decide if it will blend.

This conversation made me think about the things in my spiritual life and what can blend and what doesn't. Now, bear with me for a second while I STRETCH to reach my point. Using God as my blender, what in my life doesn't blend? What does blend and where is the line where blend-able becomes blender-breaking? What I mean is this... God is supposed to be our center and our guide, right? Using God as our blender what kind of things do we just throw in there without a thought to if it's blender-friendly or not? Ok, let's use the ipod, instead of literally blending it, what about what's on it? How does the music we put onto our Mp3s blend with our center and Guide, God? We go to Church which blends but what about Monday? Does our Monday blend in with our Sunday? What about friends, do our relationships blend in with our ultimate Blender? How many times have we thrown something into the blender that stops the blending - creating a total user error. There is nothing wrong with the blender itself...it's the one using it.

As I am exploring, I find that God is using all kinds of people, things and experiences to call me to Him, even a show about a blender. (PS, yes the ipod did blend)

Business - truth or distraction

Do you find yourself so busy at times that you get to the end of the day and can't remember what all you did? Do you avoid quiet? Do you get up and go, go ,go then pass out when you get to bed? These are just some of the questions I heard today in a sermon about "keeping the Sabbath" or "making room for God". The whole thing was good but what really got me was when he addressed the other group of people who will find it hard to keep the Sabbath (the first - the workaholics). I fall into the second group I believe. We are the ones that go, go, go to avoid hearing the still small voice that aches from past issues still left unresolved. So now what? I choose to go into a period of self-examination and definition. I figure it will be a time to evaluate all that I am doing, why I am doing it and is it God led or something I am just taking on to avoid time alone with God?

Avoiding time alone with God? Saying that just saddens my soul because I know what all I have been through, how God brought me through it, how He protected me and then used it to strengthen me and yet...it still stands as truth. I am realizing that I have significant fundamental discrepancies in my belief system and that is something that gets my attention. I struggle with my God-given ministries because I am so incongruent on the inside, it's like a disease and I don't want to spread it. I used disease meaning, like a disease inconsistencies become acceptable like the beginning symptoms of a disease (easy to ignore). Then a time of knowing something is not quite right but still deadened by a bit of denial, then comes the on set of the illness - it infects every aspect and is no longer able to be overlooked. So there it is... the good, the bad and the pretty ugly but it just so happens to be a place I am not a description of who I am. Who I am is not affected or effected by my situation, my situation will be changed by who I am.

See you are really just a place for me to work things out, I do it much better this way than in my head. so as you read this, don't mistake my life for anything but just another child of God trying to live a little better. I am so thankful that I have a God that figured me out a long time ago and still adores me - even in my ignorance. So, I begin to evaluate....

so simple yet so hard to hold on to...

It seems so simple to say, if we keep our eyes on Jesus, no matter what, all will be as it should. Tides will turn, storms will come, disaster will befall us but God's plan will prevail as long as we keep in mind who is in control and who isn't.

This is truth, however it being common sense makes the deed no easier. I can't count how many times I have started out with my heart and my eyes set on God and ended up in a place He would not led me. DISTRACTION! That's my weakness, what's everyone else doing? Maybe, I should be doing that instead. Oh, what little discipline and focus I have.

My daughter had a friend over last night and they are coming off a huge fight which neither one can remember the start of. Anyway, we were talking about the mean things they said and did to each other, even though they both knew that eventually, they would make up. They both, in their own words, said that they fought dirty because that's how it's done in middle school.

OUCH, be honest how many situations can you see that the exact same reaction to our surroundings turned a God-led situation into something else? How many times have you gone with the majority because you were fearful of standing alone? That is rarely done, we just don't stand up alone against the majority, usually we will disagree in silence or turn bitter out of misplaced anger.

What about stepping out into unknown territory? How many times have you taken only God with you into a strange environment where you don't know anyone or you feel uncomfortable in? We usually will call up a friend and take them along for support.

I know allot about the cons of this thought because I live in "this world" much more than I live in the world that God calls me to. My mind and heart will both be congruent and set out on the path to God and my mind always (given the chance) takes a detour. Maybe I am so dis tractable because somewhere deep down I think I can do it better? Better than God, I hope not! Maybe, I want to follow but take my own route to get there? This is almost humorous Because I have had such a good track record and I make such good decisions? geez, the choices are getting uglier here. Maybe, it's all about trust? Do I trust God?

Do I know beyond a shadow of doubt that I am His focus? Have I delt with all of the where was He whens... and if He loved me then how could He let that happen? Or the why me's... I don't know the answer but... this will be my meditation for now..I am going to ask God to show me where my weaknesses are that I keep choosing to take a step back when He is calling me forward.