El-Shaddai -- The God Who is Sufficient for the Needs of His People! Sufficient, meaning: Being as much as is needed. So, God provides exactly what we need, when we need it and how we can receive it. How wonderful is a Father that knows and cares about every intimate detail of our life?
For a long time I thought that God was responsible for my pain. I placed blame on everyone and I felt like since I hurt so bad, I was owed something... I was "due" anything because I endured the constant pain that I did.
Was my pain real? An emphatic Yes! Was God the one who placed it on me? No, I do believe that spiritual growth is accomplished through the struggles and pain that come along with some of life lessons and submission. However, in my case... I was responsible for a great deal of my own pain from my own decisions. I had some things that were naturally against me like; being adopted, adopted again, a volatile home, a mentally ill sibling, abuse and divorce. What most of this stuff said to my heart was: you are unloveable. So I became unloveable, I was bitter, angry and I resented anything pure and good because I did not feel pure or good - I didn't understand it nor did I think that I was capable of it.
How did I answer the lie that I was unloveable... Besides fulfilling that prophecy, I began using mind numbing drugs, seeking attention form guys, being the "badest" girl that I could and living for hurting those that I felt had wronged me. When I look back I almost laugh, I see it now, God drew a line and I never crossed it, not of my own will but His. I had already crossed every line drawn before me but, this one I didn't see nor could I comprehend.
What made me different than the girl who overdosed in 10th grade or the many kids that went to jail, lost their future or did something that they could never undo to themselves or someone else... What's the difference? I don't understand it but it's love. Does God love me more than those others? No, so what is it?
When people say I live because He lives... I KNOW that, not only as fact but, also as God's truth. If it were not for God seeing something in me, knowing that one day I would be used by Him or caring enough to never give up on me.. I would not only be physically dead, I would be lost forever.
Not too long ago, I told my husband that something in me was broken and I couldn't do anything else.. I could not change. I was unable to help myself or save my marriage because I believed this lie. I thought that if anything, anything else came out and I had to speak it, re-live it or talk about it, that I would permanently lose my mind, I would just shut off. I really thought that if I let go and just pulled out the junk, I would be unable to function forever, I would be too broken to fix.
Can you believe that lie? Do not be fooled, satan is just waiting to tell you the mother of all lies and he's good, it will be one that pierces your heart and feels like truth. Maybe you already have some lies in your heart... I am unloveable, I am ugly, too stupid, too fat, too broken? Take a moment and just ask God if there is a lie that needs to be uncovered in your heart. This process was one of the hardest things I ever had to do because I really believed that I was too broken and I would never be able to hold it all together.
Guess what? El-Shaddai -- The God Who is Sufficient for the Needs of His People, SHOWED UP! Little by little with the help of many different people God began to reveal to me that I was not too broken and that I was deceived. He began to shed some light on who He was and how much His love changed everything for me. I began to talk about my hurts, my habits and my (many) hangups. It wasn't easy, in fact it was pretty ugly and at times still is but, I began to see that there really was more to me than my pain. Having hope that there is an end to the pain was what I needed to spark my curiosity. People say that believing in God, accepting Jesus is the end to life... it's''s been an adventure like none I have ever seen or heard of for me. It has been more than just my life, it's a mosaic of: every sister and brother that has called me friend, my family, every class, teacher, every person who has encouraged me, every hand that was extended, every single person that God provided for me to help me heal. God never failed to provide what I needed, when I needed it and how I could receive it. He is faithful!
Is my healing over? Nope, but the difference is that I know who He is better and I trust Him. I know that I have a god-given purpose and those things that broke me... They are now some of my strongest areas of belief. I don't just believe in God, that might be boring but, believing him... Now, that's the journey! He is El-Shaddai: Sufficient for the Needs of His children!
Why do I write stuff like this? Because what God whispered to me in my darkness, I can't do anything but shout from the roof tops. This is my roof top.
All praise and glory unto you God, for you are worthy!
November 26, 2005
Reflecting on the season and realizing how far I am from that person I want to be is: at the same time defeating and exciting. I am discouraged because I know the only thing holding me back is me BUT I am encouraged and excited because I know, in every part of me I know, that God loves me. He alone is constantly molding and changing me to be more of who He created me to be. If I am not willing to go along peacefully, He makes a way and I still go along... Sometimes it is much harder and a much longer journey and sometimes I don't even know it's happening. What I do know is, He will never stop creating in me a pure heart as long as I am willing to ask.
That covers it all, I once craved and flourished in the darkness of a sinful heart and now I live for a God that can create in me a heart of the purest love I ever imagined... And now I can't live without praising Him.
Thank you God, for the gift of being able to hear my heart. I had shut it out for so long until, You came and spoke hope in and enabled me to hear.
For awhile all I heard were breaks and cracks but, you never planned for that to be all there was for me. The hurt was something I had to live through to fully grasp your love and healing. Now I can hear the beauty of who you are in me and the sound of other broken hearts. I can hear with ears that have been deaf and a heart that has been broken so now I too can proclaim the goodness of my father. Now, I hear the binding up and heartbeat of hope birthed in others as you begin to restore their hearing. Thank you Father for the honor of being a chosen child of the one that is the beginning and end to all, everything, forever... Amen.
That covers it all, I once craved and flourished in the darkness of a sinful heart and now I live for a God that can create in me a heart of the purest love I ever imagined... And now I can't live without praising Him.
Thank you God, for the gift of being able to hear my heart. I had shut it out for so long until, You came and spoke hope in and enabled me to hear.
For awhile all I heard were breaks and cracks but, you never planned for that to be all there was for me. The hurt was something I had to live through to fully grasp your love and healing. Now I can hear the beauty of who you are in me and the sound of other broken hearts. I can hear with ears that have been deaf and a heart that has been broken so now I too can proclaim the goodness of my father. Now, I hear the binding up and heartbeat of hope birthed in others as you begin to restore their hearing. Thank you Father for the honor of being a chosen child of the one that is the beginning and end to all, everything, forever... Amen.
November 22, 2005
Most high Father,
I humbly come before you with a pure heart and praise on my lips.
You alone are holy. Father, I thank you.
I thank you for those thing that hurt me so much I thought I could not take another breath. Because of those things I am stronger, more humble, more understanding, more compassionate, able to forgive and able to love deeper.
I thank you for those times you let me make my own mistakes and didn't save me instantly but let me learn the lessons of life. I thank you because every time I did learn a lesson, you were there to confirm that I was still you child no matter what.
I thank you for each tear that I have cried because without them I would not know that your grace is sufficient.
Thank you for the people you chose to surround me with, that they are all gifted and love me in ways that I need and have grown from.
I thank you that I am forgiven and that Jesus is real and alive in me.
I don't know how to say thank you with words, I don't think there are words enough recorded in all of history to tell you but, I lay my heart before you open and bare for you to search and know that you own this child, I am yours, all of me. Without you and your ways I would be forever lost, let me not ever forget the darkness you snached me from. May I be a light in someone else's path to you as you provided for me.
Driving today I was enjoying the beauty of the world around me and I remembered that the streams of sunlight that bound out from the clouds are my reminder of how mighty you are. Those streams are one of the first ways my children began to know who you are... We would talk about how after the storms God was faithful to give us a showing of his power to overcome by shining through and burning through the grey to shine out the silver lining. I didn't realize it but what a way to see God's glory and pass it on to little minds then in the power of who God is. Thank you God that I can know, that I can see, that I can proclaim and that I can teach my children just who is the sustainer of all things and how to call on Him... May you be glorified in the life of this child and may I be wiling to go and do every time you call me.
In the highest adoration and love of Jesus, Amen
I humbly come before you with a pure heart and praise on my lips.
You alone are holy. Father, I thank you.
I thank you for those thing that hurt me so much I thought I could not take another breath. Because of those things I am stronger, more humble, more understanding, more compassionate, able to forgive and able to love deeper.
I thank you for those times you let me make my own mistakes and didn't save me instantly but let me learn the lessons of life. I thank you because every time I did learn a lesson, you were there to confirm that I was still you child no matter what.
I thank you for each tear that I have cried because without them I would not know that your grace is sufficient.
Thank you for the people you chose to surround me with, that they are all gifted and love me in ways that I need and have grown from.
I thank you that I am forgiven and that Jesus is real and alive in me.
I don't know how to say thank you with words, I don't think there are words enough recorded in all of history to tell you but, I lay my heart before you open and bare for you to search and know that you own this child, I am yours, all of me. Without you and your ways I would be forever lost, let me not ever forget the darkness you snached me from. May I be a light in someone else's path to you as you provided for me.
Driving today I was enjoying the beauty of the world around me and I remembered that the streams of sunlight that bound out from the clouds are my reminder of how mighty you are. Those streams are one of the first ways my children began to know who you are... We would talk about how after the storms God was faithful to give us a showing of his power to overcome by shining through and burning through the grey to shine out the silver lining. I didn't realize it but what a way to see God's glory and pass it on to little minds then in the power of who God is. Thank you God that I can know, that I can see, that I can proclaim and that I can teach my children just who is the sustainer of all things and how to call on Him... May you be glorified in the life of this child and may I be wiling to go and do every time you call me.
In the highest adoration and love of Jesus, Amen
November 11, 2005
What would have been if I had not chosen life?
I remember so clearly it all cuts through like a knife.
I was so lonely and empty nothing was there
I had been hurt too much to continue to care.
I went about my days like a leaf in the wind
just waiting around for it all to finally come to an end.
I had managed to fake a picture that sold
but on the inside all I felt was bitter and cold.
I set my mind on returning the pain
I tried everything I thought might help but it was all in vain.
Then that night in the crossroads of my life
I heard a voice call to me that there was an end to my strife.
for some reason this voice cut straight through
and to choose life is what I knew I had to do.
you see, I knew I was dying and it would not be long
but within that voice, was the sound of my lifesong.
right then I was given a hope that there was more
It rocked my foundation and shook my core.
I received that night a gift unparalleled in worth
what I heard next was the sound of my soul's rebirth.
In that moment so small, everything changed in me
I caught a glimpse of what it was that I could be.
I was no longer the "slow" one or the "fast" one nor was I the pretty one or the empty one
Now I belonged to the only one, the present one and the unconditionally loving one.
I had hope that the pain would end and love really would conquer all
and I understood that I would have to take down the wall.
I still have a hard time letting my guard down
but now I know that to it I am no longer bound.
Thanks to my king, my Father above
I can do all things with Christ's all encompassing love.
I remember so clearly it all cuts through like a knife.
I was so lonely and empty nothing was there
I had been hurt too much to continue to care.
I went about my days like a leaf in the wind
just waiting around for it all to finally come to an end.
I had managed to fake a picture that sold
but on the inside all I felt was bitter and cold.
I set my mind on returning the pain
I tried everything I thought might help but it was all in vain.
Then that night in the crossroads of my life
I heard a voice call to me that there was an end to my strife.
for some reason this voice cut straight through
and to choose life is what I knew I had to do.
you see, I knew I was dying and it would not be long
but within that voice, was the sound of my lifesong.
right then I was given a hope that there was more
It rocked my foundation and shook my core.
I received that night a gift unparalleled in worth
what I heard next was the sound of my soul's rebirth.
In that moment so small, everything changed in me
I caught a glimpse of what it was that I could be.
I was no longer the "slow" one or the "fast" one nor was I the pretty one or the empty one
Now I belonged to the only one, the present one and the unconditionally loving one.
I had hope that the pain would end and love really would conquer all
and I understood that I would have to take down the wall.
I still have a hard time letting my guard down
but now I know that to it I am no longer bound.
Thanks to my king, my Father above
I can do all things with Christ's all encompassing love.
November 08, 2005
November 06, 2005
Romans 8:38-40
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Doesn't that soothe the soul... No matter what, we are in the only permanent position we will ever hold as believers in Christ Jesus.
You'd think it would all be settled and easy with that known, written in truth and proven to our hearts daily. So why can't I love others like I am called to? What is it in me that I can wrap my arms around a stranger that is dirty, on the streets, capable of whatever... just completely unknown and love them, truly love them, but I can't find that flow of love for some of those close to me?
Why am I unwilling to just let God be that love for them too? What if Jesus had this struggle over loving me?
Okay, I know that history plays a huge part of why and how we react to things but when is the history excuse expired? When is history actually history, forgotten and forgiven? I have had to forgive my abuser and that was very hard but God made it possible and somewhere I became willing and now it is a strength instead of a wound. So, as I am taking you through my thoughts in this I am stumped as to why this is a re-occurring issue for me. Somewhere I am unwilling and rebellious. If I am God's child, I am called to love others, honor others and serve others. Honestly, I feel like blowing a raspberry at some of those that I am called to love. How do I suffocate out the bad with the over abundant flow of great when I am deceived in that area? I can't see the knob to turn the foutain on, I have cut the main line off and am at a loss as to how to restore full capacity in this area. I am truly stumped.
What I know... I won't stay stumped because I know my heart is honest before Him and He is always faithful. I know that this too is a growing pain to be endured and stronger from in the end. God knew I wasn't perfect, He accepted that in me and adores me as His child, therefore He loves me too much for me to be left this way.
I am assured of my permanent position that does not concern me it my carrying on the name that brings me to my knees. I feel so unworthy at times (all the time), I feel like I have no ability to bring honor to God when I have these struggles. Then... God steps in and says (something like...), it's the struggle that honors me, I know your heart and you are willing to grow in me, if there were no struggle... Then, that would be a shame. So, would God rather I come along peacefully and quietly? I bet so, but I believe that as long as I am willing to come along... He is smiling with joy.
Well, so I am still here in this place of confusion and struggle but I have just talked myself through the part that was lonely... now, He goes with me! That was it... I put Him out of the struggle and was trying it on my own... I should know better than that but That was my area of blindness. Now, I see!
38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Doesn't that soothe the soul... No matter what, we are in the only permanent position we will ever hold as believers in Christ Jesus.
You'd think it would all be settled and easy with that known, written in truth and proven to our hearts daily. So why can't I love others like I am called to? What is it in me that I can wrap my arms around a stranger that is dirty, on the streets, capable of whatever... just completely unknown and love them, truly love them, but I can't find that flow of love for some of those close to me?
Why am I unwilling to just let God be that love for them too? What if Jesus had this struggle over loving me?
Okay, I know that history plays a huge part of why and how we react to things but when is the history excuse expired? When is history actually history, forgotten and forgiven? I have had to forgive my abuser and that was very hard but God made it possible and somewhere I became willing and now it is a strength instead of a wound. So, as I am taking you through my thoughts in this I am stumped as to why this is a re-occurring issue for me. Somewhere I am unwilling and rebellious. If I am God's child, I am called to love others, honor others and serve others. Honestly, I feel like blowing a raspberry at some of those that I am called to love. How do I suffocate out the bad with the over abundant flow of great when I am deceived in that area? I can't see the knob to turn the foutain on, I have cut the main line off and am at a loss as to how to restore full capacity in this area. I am truly stumped.
What I know... I won't stay stumped because I know my heart is honest before Him and He is always faithful. I know that this too is a growing pain to be endured and stronger from in the end. God knew I wasn't perfect, He accepted that in me and adores me as His child, therefore He loves me too much for me to be left this way.
I am assured of my permanent position that does not concern me it my carrying on the name that brings me to my knees. I feel so unworthy at times (all the time), I feel like I have no ability to bring honor to God when I have these struggles. Then... God steps in and says (something like...), it's the struggle that honors me, I know your heart and you are willing to grow in me, if there were no struggle... Then, that would be a shame. So, would God rather I come along peacefully and quietly? I bet so, but I believe that as long as I am willing to come along... He is smiling with joy.
Well, so I am still here in this place of confusion and struggle but I have just talked myself through the part that was lonely... now, He goes with me! That was it... I put Him out of the struggle and was trying it on my own... I should know better than that but That was my area of blindness. Now, I see!
November 01, 2005
What am I learning?
Well, what a loaded question... that is exactly the thing I have been sorting through for the last few months. God has revealed so much goodness over the last year or so as well as some areas of disobedience, blindness and rebellion. He is teaching me to be silent more often. In this, I am seeing more clearly that I can not make decisions for anyone else or try to make them see it my way. I hate to say that I have had a touch of arrogance to think anyone should see anything My way... Instead If I am seeing it God's way I have no pressure, no worries because then I am where I am supposed to be and not dragging anyone down with me when I see MY way is better than God's way..
I am understanding more about lifestyle evangelism and the entirety of that saying. My responsibility is to be God focused, God lead and God fearing. If I am doing this, then I am fulfilling my purpose as God's child.
Sounds like I am getting it pulled together doesn't it? NOPE! I struggle each day to give God the bare minimum of me and some days I fail at that. I could live ashamed but I know that in my heart something is turning and changing. I don't know when it won't be a constant struggle for me to give God my whole days and for him to become my true everything, all the time, no matter what. What I do know is that my goal and my hearts desire is to know him and honor him more.
I am learning discipline and I see how I used to think it was OK that I didn't have it... I usually got me responsibilities done. God is showing me that discipline is something more it is a commitment to follow Him in all things not just what I pick and choose upon how I feel at the time. I don't know if this make a lot of sense to you that may see this but, to me, it is another blind spot being wiped clean to begin to see clearly some truth not there before.
As, for specifically what am I learning from my burden for the inner city? That I don't listen to God's urging nearly enough. That I still feel totally unworthy and ill-equipped to minister to anyone especially those who have already been hurt for a lifetime and struggle daily to survive. However, I do know that I am very well equipped to tell of who saved me from not only a sure physical death at a young age but picked me up and gave me hope. I guess if anyone would ask me what changed that night on that dark road where, for me, life and death came to a crossroads and I had to choose... it was hope (which is something I had learned not to have in anything). Standing there in my pit of mire I felt a glimpse of hope in that voice that called to me and I had to choose hope, I had to see if this was it or if there was more. So in writing this I am learning that I am as well equipped as anyone, because I have a God that took this loveless, hopeless, empty shell and filled it with everything that He planned and knit in me. He showed me that in the mire there was a treasure and it would prove to stay in the test of time... Where did the pit and the mire go? Unfortunately, not far enough for me not to fall into every now and then (sometimes I jump in) but now I have hope to give me a hand out and that's everything to me.
I am understanding more about lifestyle evangelism and the entirety of that saying. My responsibility is to be God focused, God lead and God fearing. If I am doing this, then I am fulfilling my purpose as God's child.
Sounds like I am getting it pulled together doesn't it? NOPE! I struggle each day to give God the bare minimum of me and some days I fail at that. I could live ashamed but I know that in my heart something is turning and changing. I don't know when it won't be a constant struggle for me to give God my whole days and for him to become my true everything, all the time, no matter what. What I do know is that my goal and my hearts desire is to know him and honor him more.
I am learning discipline and I see how I used to think it was OK that I didn't have it... I usually got me responsibilities done. God is showing me that discipline is something more it is a commitment to follow Him in all things not just what I pick and choose upon how I feel at the time. I don't know if this make a lot of sense to you that may see this but, to me, it is another blind spot being wiped clean to begin to see clearly some truth not there before.
As, for specifically what am I learning from my burden for the inner city? That I don't listen to God's urging nearly enough. That I still feel totally unworthy and ill-equipped to minister to anyone especially those who have already been hurt for a lifetime and struggle daily to survive. However, I do know that I am very well equipped to tell of who saved me from not only a sure physical death at a young age but picked me up and gave me hope. I guess if anyone would ask me what changed that night on that dark road where, for me, life and death came to a crossroads and I had to choose... it was hope (which is something I had learned not to have in anything). Standing there in my pit of mire I felt a glimpse of hope in that voice that called to me and I had to choose hope, I had to see if this was it or if there was more. So in writing this I am learning that I am as well equipped as anyone, because I have a God that took this loveless, hopeless, empty shell and filled it with everything that He planned and knit in me. He showed me that in the mire there was a treasure and it would prove to stay in the test of time... Where did the pit and the mire go? Unfortunately, not far enough for me not to fall into every now and then (sometimes I jump in) but now I have hope to give me a hand out and that's everything to me.
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