Lifted or Shifted???

Well, here's a new thought to chew on...

When we have hurts, habits, hangups, strongholds, addictions; unhealthy patterns of behavior in general... can we shift them so they disguise themselves as something else. I don't mean we consciously shift them but the pattern shifts and we are fooled into thinking we are freer in an area of of lives than we really are. If that is so, does it not show the cunning abilities if our enemy? What more vulnerable a target than a wounded soul and to be so susceptible to the lie that you are kept in bondage unknowingly? Fooled into thinking that that struggle is healed and moving on to another only to find out they are one in the same?

Hmmm... I dunno, I am chewing this one down. I can see my past strongholds and how destructive they were to myself as well as everyone around me. When I wasn't in bondage to drugs, alcohol, whatever ( I still have difficulty listing them all), I assumed that they were areas of progression and freedom for me.

At the same time, I know God has provided healing and protection for me and my family but... I think that I was mistaken, God has required something of me all along but has seem my heart and for whatever reason, the time was not at hand... maybe now is the time for me to do the work that needs to be done. Maybe now, I am Strong enough to give whatever it is that I need to and to walk in victory with Him. Maybe, now it is time for me to dig up, dig in and clean out all my distorted views of God, hurts, and just the junk. Maybe now, I can be completely free from these unhealthy behaviors.

In conclusion, what I do know as truth is: God will never leave me or forsake me. As long as I am willing I don't have to know what my healing looks like or the full step by step... I can just go and He will be my guide and whatever comes up... He knows I can handle.... Trusting Him (that's my daily dwelling place, Trusting in Him).

Father God, Thank you that you know what we need, what we can handle and that Your ways are perfectly designed for us in mind. Thank you that you have lifted, helped and suspended unhealthy patterns in my life in protection of me. Thank you that you are trust worthy and Lord, help me to know what trust (your way) is. I desire to be healthy, productive and a blessing to You. Help me see that having You in me, with that, I can do anything (I shall not fear). You are worthy of so much more than I am offering to You, forgive me for choosing to put other things before you, being selfish enough to satisfy my own desires, and my lack of understanding the whole-ness of who you really are. You are Holy and there is none beside You. Thank you for Your constant provision, In You I can find anything I seek.
In the mighty name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

required or not...

Today is a new day and honestly... this day IS better than the day before. We sang a song in worship today and it had a line that says "Every day with you Lord... is better than day before". Granted, that is not always the case to the human eye but always the case when we are trusting God.

Today God's revelation to me was this, in all of my past addictions, hurts or habits... I was delivered from them. For example, today a man gave his testimony about how God just took his stronghold and it was not a major area of struggle for him anymore. That's how my addictions, strongholds, unhealthy habits, whatever you want to call them have been lifted. God's abundant grace has virtually erased these past oppressions for me and there was little asked of me... nothing like what I think this journey beholds for me to give. This sin of mine is different as in... I am going to have to be on alert and obedient 24/7. I don't think I have ever had to be responsible (solely responsible) for my actions. I went from childhood to adulthood under the support and protection of my Dad and from there, straight to the same in my marriage. I have had jobs but never sole responsibility for own well being or "not so well" being.

What I do know... God has me right where He wants me. I am still very shut down spiritually and emotionally but I know each day brings new opportunities for me to take steps toward change. This may be the first time God is requiring something of me to bless me with full restoration. So, step by step I am learning to praise Him even when I know know why... just thank Him honestly and continue seeking a relationship with Him and this time, I am listening... He has my full attention.

Thank you God for being so faithful in your love even when I am not faithful in mine. You do not leave your children the same for long. You are constantly growing and stretching us to be more like Jesus and even when we say "no"... you love us enough to throw us to face the fire on our own. Your timing is perfect and your ways are right, help me to engrave your word on my heart so that the knowledge in my head is congruent to the ways of my heart. create in me a resolve to join you in victory. Teach me Father, how to be the child you see in me.
In the mighty name of Jesus I pray, Amen

Psalm 42:11

11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

For I will yet praise Him - That's my start...

from a chat to prayer

What happens if you don't trust God? What if I see Him clearly in the good things like; healing, restoring, grace and blessings but not in the bad? What if I am too scared to find out why I am choosing blatant sin over what I know is good and true?
All of my life I had struggles (we all do) and I learned to coat them with other things like: drugs, boys, spending, eating... whatever it always turned out to be a self-destructive behavior. Then, I went to rehab and learned how to not take drugs or drink, I learned to flee bad environments and I learned to identify the problem areas. Still, with this knowledge I relapsed, my knowledge had changed but... It wasn't until I was saved at 27 years old that my heart began to change. So, what am I missing now?
I feel so stupid, I know the answer is simple but have not a clue as to what it is. I have always said that in my "issues" I have many branches and I can see them, change them around, trim them and try to control them but underneath is the life blood - the root.
So tonight, I start my reconcillation with God by admitting all that I know He sees in me. I ask for forgiveness for my heinous sin against Him and ask that He continues to show me the fullness of my choices and their consequenses. I give to Him my doubt, my inability to trust or be trusted, my wounds that I can name and those I don't know how to utter them aloud. I give Him the broken down, yet faithfully believing spirit that He has continiously restored and rebirthed. I give Him my fear of failure, lack of responsibility and my rebellion. I am sure that the list goes on and on but for this moment, this night, I am finally ready to give Him all of me.
Those of you who don't understand... sometimes we can be in the holiest of holy places or the pit of sin and still be holding back something God wants... He wants all of us, every part.
Trembling and unsure of what that means I do, I give all of me to my Father God in Heaven who no matter what is faithful and just and loves me despite what He knows about me. I praise the name of Jesus and lay my will at His feet. May my sacrifice of pure heart and given in the greatest of humility and honor. Thank you Jesus that you are Hope, my hope lies in your name. Amen

The processing....

Hi all, I have been out of commission for a few days because we went on a trip to see my family in Mississippi.

During this time I was so aware of my gracious blesssings and also, very aware that I am surprised by my actions and the entirity of my sin. I am learning day by day that there are many aspects to my sin that I never took into consideration. I have effected my children, my friends, those I mentor, and most of all my husband.

Well, actually... most of all I hurt God... I hate to even think about it. I basically said "no" when He continuially asked me to stop and repent... how does one come to terms with the fact that given all the grace in the world... I still said no.

I guess my starting point is reconcilling with God. Only then can I imagine honestly and authentically reconciling with my husband, children, friends and family.

I think I have a long way to go in grasping the whole gammit of my sin but I know God is faithful and willing to heal me IF I am willing. I am.

There is definately a HUGE shame factor that creeps up and it almost turns into self-pity or in some way doesn't take full responsibility for my actions. I am not happy to think that I could be putting my sin off on some excuse rather than being completely humbled and responsible for my diliberate chossing of sin over what I obviously knew as right.

I am very interested to dig in and find out how or where that selfishness comes from... I guess I have always thought as myself more selfless that selfish except when I over book and become a flake on someone... my other work in progress... time management :) (That one takes a breather- while I am learning how to have someones trust and keep it). Oooh, I absolutely hate the fact that the truth and my actions say... more selfish. Yuk! Thas one of my dislikes in people, I have no patience for utterly selfish people... maybe because it too much hits home???

I dunno much of anything right now but I am on my way so check back every now and then to see whats up, who knows whats next here?

my not so secret sin

well, my slump was self-induced and now is confession time for me. I have been in a virtual pit for many weeks. I knew from where it was coming but I was unwilling to stop what I was doing, confess and repent.
I don't know if anyone remembers my January blog entry "temptation and the not so secret sin" but, that was the beginning for me. My not so secret sin is overspending and then hiding it. It is truely an addiction for me and one unlike the addiction I fought with drugs and alcohol. This sin has had a consistant hold on me and is so embarassing to admit because of my past.
I am confessing this to you because it is important to me that other people understand that no matter what your addiction, habit or hang-up is... you are promised that if you endure and hold tight to the word of God, He is bigger than anything you will ever face. I didn't believe God. I was decieved for a long time, in that, because I "know", seek and pursue a relationship with God that I had everything I needed to have victory over my sin. Now, I also want you to know that God is capable of healing, lifting or just erasing any addiction, He is the foundation to all healing. However, sometimes I think He leads us to explore our addiction to learn more about who He is and how He can deliver us from our enemies, if we allow Him to. So, my deception was that I started to believe that I was powerless, it wasn't a big deal and that I had all of the knowledge but I was defective. I believed that here was something in my being that was broken... what a lie, a cop-out and light shattering truth I had tatooed on my heart.
This sin continued to grow and spread into all other areas of my life and was literally destroying me one day at a time. Still, I did not stop. I indirectly asked for help but in ways that no one could know what I was saying to them. I was completely enslaved to my sin, I was lying and cheating it was just ugly sin. I actually was choosing the pit, purchase after purchase, all the while knowing that my number would soon be up.
How can I do such a thing to anyone much less my beloved husband? I have struggled with trust issues and He had worked so hard to help me but now I see, I am not trustworthy so how could I possibily trust someone else?
I am just at the beginning of working all this out, I am seeking help and have totally confessed to my husband (after he found out enough to get me started).
I felt like I needed to confess to you too, because someone out there knows very well where I am coming from and child you are not powerless. I may feel powerless at times, and be heavy with shame but I am still a child of the most high God and He is stronger, bigger and more fullfilling than anything our minds can think up. He is hope and I need Him.
So, when you pray remember our family, we are struggling together as we progress through this process of healing and setteling an addiction, my addiction which has effected every member of my family, and a special one for my husband which has extended to me forgivness, mercy and grace that I do not deserve.

In His hands

mentoring, walking beside, helping someone out, befriending a struggling soul... these are all easy to say but a HARD life to live. Reaching out and giving something of yourself to someone opens up a door that no one wants to leave wide for fear of being hurt. Yet, someone did it for us, that's how we "get it", we see it, receive it, process it and return it to others. And now as we extend grace through leaving that door WIDE open, we first and foremost remember the gift of grace from our sovereign God but too, we have to acknowledge the human grace that has allowed us to have a softened heart for other hurting people and help us to extend the same grace to them. I have seen and experienced many different displays of pure grace from the Mosaic Community and as the road twists and turns I encourage my brothers and sisters not to grow weary. Choose to serve out of Gods love and His ability to love unconditionally -fearlessly. I am blessed to walk beside so many that truly grasp the wholeness of Gods grace, love and mercy... and can return it in the same way it was given, free-without expectations or hidden motives Just because He could, He saved us... He can save them too, all we have to do is serve and go where he asks... the rest is just out of our hands.

I am because He chose to let me

I saw her today
the one who is always sad and grey
she looked at me but as if she did not know
acting like all is well and her endless pain did not show.

what is it that she fears will happen if she lets it all go
Our merciful, mighty and able God does she just not really know?
how can we see so much without understanding its meaning deep down inside
and how can we understand and not see the work of our heavenly guide?

what can I say that would make anything different to her heart
I guess just being there to listen is where I could start.
maybe changing her isn't up to me
or even for my eyes in this life to see

I just know I have been there, unable to feel
wanting so much but not knowing how to begin to heal.
struggling to see anything past my completely devastated life
past the heartache, disappointment, fear and daily strife.

Then one day, with a word, it all just changed for me
the sorrow I heard finally brought me to my knees.
I don't know why I am not standing in her shoes on this day
Thanks to Jesus I was changed and that's all I can say.

I understand the blind man and all he said took place
he couldn't explain it but it was written all over his face.
We were blind different yet the same he and I
now we can see and our eyes lift to the sky

I don't really know if the legals ever believed
but that blind man and I... the same gift we received.
Life abundant and free to live the way we choose to
my "being" bound together and His voice began my weary soul to soothe

I am because He chose to let me
and I choose because He is the I AM and now I see.

so, what do I say to the sad and grey girl?
Oh, my child deep inside is a hidden pearl.
One day I hope you too will see
That life is a choice to be made by you and me

It takes a step out of what we know how to do
but the reward is seeing the precious jewel that is you.
you see, each child has a special place deep inside
and as we grow we try to fill it with things that can not there abide

so we grow cold and close up never again to try
never once looking up to see the comfort in the skies
so I guess all I can say to you are these simple few words of truth,
I was blinded and now I stand as living proof

God is able, wiling and ready to step in
all you have to do is take the first step to begin.