Isn't this a little true of all girls? We give out freely what we think people want but when it comes to the deep inside... all we have left. We hang on tightly, protecting what little we have left. We don't want the hurt, pain and devastation that comes with love (friendship or husband). God can reside in our hearts and we can still be broken off from completeness in relationships due to fear. Maybe it was a silent statement... I will NEVER do that again or I will never share that part of me ever again. The pain is excruciating when we open our selves up and become vulnerable and we are shot with betrayal. God is the key... I have made many such statements to my soul and you know what? I have stayed bound and in pain anyway. I know I missed some blessings by being unwilling to hear God, obey and step out. Does God say we will never be hurt? No, does He say He will only bring things to us that He can use for Good? Yes! So,(assuming mostly adults read this) our part is to model this venerability for our children. They need to know God is in control of ALL areas of our lives, even the pain. We need to touch lives, invest in people so that one by one people become faith believers again. We need to know above all things that God is in control.
On the other side of his is choice. There are somethings that happen in our lives that are done to us and we get left with the crud of dealing with it and some things we do and have to live with the consequences. Both are actually choices. The choice is in how you are going to deal with it. Are you going to stay the victim and glaze over any good that can come out of a situation? Are you going to wait forever for a validation or an apology that may or may not relive your pain? Or are you going to give it to God and let Him work it out in you? See God is in control BUT we have the gift of free-will. We have to choose if God is going to win in our heart or will the ever-present deceiver win another battle of the heart?
Is God big enough to wipe out all struggles for us? Yes. God is big enough for anything and every challenge but who wants something that doesn't want or appreciate them? he wants us at our will and He goes to extreme lengths to woo us to Him. So, in leiu of this isn't there a little of that girl in all of us?
August 17, 2006
August 16, 2006
finding common ground
I met this girl and we hang out. This has been going on since about March and I am as confused as ever. To the eye she is rough, mean and a bit scary. To me, she is wounded, deceived and bound in layer upon layers of dysfunction. On top of all this, she may suffer from a chemical imbalance and a life-long health issue she has to deal with. That's the surface... underneath she has the wounds to match. She has been in the state system since she was taken out of the home and abandon as a little girl. She has been abused, neglected and fallen between the cracks and on top of all this... when she turned 18, she was no longer cared for by the state put out and now homeless so her feeling of being abandon and alone... validated.
We all have our "issues" and wounds we have to work through but how do you shine light through to someone who doesn't recognize it? God's job is saving her but mine... encouragement. He planted and righteous burden in my heart for her and He has given me a glimpse of who she is or can be. My struggle is taking my "feelings" out of it. She is at times sweet, caring, responsible and trying then in a split moment she is short, angry, spiteful and scary. I have tried everything I know to connect with her and while I "think" that is finally happening... we back slide. I know God knit us together just as much for me as for her and I have faith that eventually... this will all show His work in and out.
We all have our "issues" and wounds we have to work through but how do you shine light through to someone who doesn't recognize it? God's job is saving her but mine... encouragement. He planted and righteous burden in my heart for her and He has given me a glimpse of who she is or can be. My struggle is taking my "feelings" out of it. She is at times sweet, caring, responsible and trying then in a split moment she is short, angry, spiteful and scary. I have tried everything I know to connect with her and while I "think" that is finally happening... we back slide. I know God knit us together just as much for me as for her and I have faith that eventually... this will all show His work in and out.
Times...they are a changin'
Well, like I wrote a little bit about earlier... Z got a car. His grandparents gave them their car and fixed it up, they painted it, fixed the interior, detailed it and pimped out the stereo system for him. It was great of them to bless him in such a huge way!
Well shortly, after my last blog (five days to be exact). I arrived home from a lock-in with C at about 6:45 AM Saturday morning to another rampage of the battle of the yards. We couldn't even get in the front door, it was wrapped and silly stringed, so we used the garage. We ignored the mess, crawled up the stairs into bed for some much deprived sleep.
Z had to work at 10:00 so around 9:15 he came in for a shirt : ) So I got up ironed his shirt and walked down with him to see the annihilation of our yard. At about 9:30 he pulled out of the drive on his way. Now, every time he leaves in the car I get a pang or "pain" is more like it. This day, nothing out of the ordinary. I felt no gut feeling for him to stay home nor did a little voice say tell him to be extra careful.... nothing.
Enter the next picture... probably just short of 5 minutes later I get a call from him... "Mom.... uh, I've been in an accident". At that point, honestly, I thanked God that He could call. Then Mom-sense set in... "we will be right there". All was Ok everyone involved was uninjured and the scene was mellow. Z was visibly shaken but holding it together. I told him that this was it, he had wrecked and this could just be a "gimme" for all of the kids for all time. I don't want another call about any of them.
The story goes on but the lesson are for Z. He has a lot to learn and deal with, 16 is so young for all that responsibility. I am proud of him, he is doing fine it's just hard to sit back and let him have the pains of growing up. I am a rescuer and peace maker so I want to fix it and glaze it all over so everything is OK. What he needs is space to fly or "crash" on his own and feel the fullness of his choices and mistakes. Only then will he grow in this process, don't get me wrong... I am right there if he needs me but for now.... my lesson and job require me to stay back out of God's business.
Oh, what a day!
It's a regular day, J is getting up and around and I don't have to so, I am lounging around in bed now that I have the WHOLE thing to myself : ) Today is the day that Z and J are going to Chattanooga to pick up Z's first car. So, while lying there I decided that this was a picture worthy day but my camera was in the car AND J hates my car because it's... well, uh - lived in and LOVED - allot! So, to spare him the agony and stress, I got up and went to get the camera.
As I descended the stairs and reached for the door knob I glanced up through our sheer curtains and behold a vision.... OK, it wasn't a vision. It was toilet paper, lots of flowing toilet paper from the very tops of the trees to the very bottom. and that's not all, we have tampon accents tied to the branches and a sea of forks, knives and spoons stuck in the dirt throughout the yard.
See, it's official! Not only is he growing up now other women are competing for his attention. No, really I am kidding but I am having a difficult time knowing that God is adding on the last few "must haves" before his final test flight in 2008. I know he will constantly be upgrading all through life but the basics... he's got them. I have never been so proud or so torn up inside at the same time. All of this from a few rolls of toilet paper... who'd a thunk it?
You may be bored at my ramblings or wonder what is the point? The point is: I could have been angry and refused to clean it up and let Z take care of it later - there WAS a clue... a sole gatorade bottle left behind (it actually crossed my mind to get DNA - too much CSI, I guess even though I assume that the barer of the DNA is probably under the age of having a federal wrap sheet)... Or I could look at it for what it is: a milestone and a reminder.
God is so complete in His growing us and stretching us that even a trashed yard can be a blessing. I actually took joy with every step of picking up stuff because I was remembering just where Z's been and a little glimpse of where he's going - to heaven - eventually. I just was there and God just blessed me through the ummm... 10ish rolls of toilet paper.
So it goes to show, anything can be profound, its just if you are listening or not.
limbo
So again, it's been a bit between blogs. I have been stumped but not so stumped. You know, where you see it but just can quite get there? For a long time now God has been teaching me and stretching me and refining my ways and while I know that never completely stops... I am hoping it will hit a lull here pretty soon. I am just left spinning. I have bitten off more than I can chew so when God begins revealing things to me... I have left no time for processing the lessons.
A lesson for you all: Say no, turn the ringer off and unplug the computer and take the time to work out what God is doing in you. the quicker you do this the shorter the road (usually, this is not a guarantee).
I am still working it all out, I'm just a little overloaded (self-induced). Anyway, why this for a blog? I guess I just needed to write it out to understand it and plus... while I am on the computer, no one dares to interrupt (it's my sanctuary). So, I just had to cry out and claim my SANCTUARY for my sanity.
I am so thankful to my God that He never shakes His head and gives up but instead knows just how to capture my attention and passion.
A lesson for you all: Say no, turn the ringer off and unplug the computer and take the time to work out what God is doing in you. the quicker you do this the shorter the road (usually, this is not a guarantee).
I am still working it all out, I'm just a little overloaded (self-induced). Anyway, why this for a blog? I guess I just needed to write it out to understand it and plus... while I am on the computer, no one dares to interrupt (it's my sanctuary). So, I just had to cry out and claim my SANCTUARY for my sanity.
I am so thankful to my God that He never shakes His head and gives up but instead knows just how to capture my attention and passion.
July 28, 2006
The call of the wild
The streets have a call
it isn't heard by all
the bewitching is a captivating thing
it keeps the heart from knowing how to sing
even though they tear down and destroy
theres something about it that mocks true joy.
I see the girls and the pain in their eyes
Oh, why can't they see the lure of the skies.
walking, pushing, lying, needing how did we get here?
hoping to escape but again hearts are seared.
Closed and shut down so NO ONE gets in
not to be hurt by the judgement of their sin
a vow to never be weak again
and a lifetime of lies and deceit begins.
once there was a little girl
and now deep down there is a hidden pearl,
a hope that has been so pushed down
she doesn't know if she'll ever be found.
In comes God, with His perfect hand
to pick her up and restore her land.
"Could it be? this isn't all for me
where I have been He can't know or see".
Ah, my child but don't you know
all this time I have been where you go
I walk beside you in every step
you my child, I have never left.
Come to me my weary one
just one step and healing has begun.
I don't ask for perfection or more than you can give
come with Me and choose to live
I was there when everyone else walked away
yes, I was there on every single day.
I cried when you couldn't and pain seared my heart too
All of this time I have been chasing after you
I want you to know, that I am all you need
In you my child I have already planted the seed.
I know you won't come until you are good and ready
I am here for the long haul, forever, I am steady.
So when the pain comes too much to bare
reach out to me, I will still be there
I can help you live and breath
I am the only one who can let you free.
Come my child, it's been so long
life without you is just wrong
open your heart just one more time
I promise with me, life will be fine.
So, can you step out
so I can step in
and together true life in you can begin.
it isn't heard by all
the bewitching is a captivating thing
it keeps the heart from knowing how to sing
even though they tear down and destroy
theres something about it that mocks true joy.
I see the girls and the pain in their eyes
Oh, why can't they see the lure of the skies.
walking, pushing, lying, needing how did we get here?
hoping to escape but again hearts are seared.
Closed and shut down so NO ONE gets in
not to be hurt by the judgement of their sin
a vow to never be weak again
and a lifetime of lies and deceit begins.
once there was a little girl
and now deep down there is a hidden pearl,
a hope that has been so pushed down
she doesn't know if she'll ever be found.
In comes God, with His perfect hand
to pick her up and restore her land.
"Could it be? this isn't all for me
where I have been He can't know or see".
Ah, my child but don't you know
all this time I have been where you go
I walk beside you in every step
you my child, I have never left.
Come to me my weary one
just one step and healing has begun.
I don't ask for perfection or more than you can give
come with Me and choose to live
I was there when everyone else walked away
yes, I was there on every single day.
I cried when you couldn't and pain seared my heart too
All of this time I have been chasing after you
I want you to know, that I am all you need
In you my child I have already planted the seed.
I know you won't come until you are good and ready
I am here for the long haul, forever, I am steady.
So when the pain comes too much to bare
reach out to me, I will still be there
I can help you live and breath
I am the only one who can let you free.
Come my child, it's been so long
life without you is just wrong
open your heart just one more time
I promise with me, life will be fine.
So, can you step out
so I can step in
and together true life in you can begin.
July 25, 2006
A profound statement...
"Stop telling God how big your storm is.
Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!"
Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!"
July 22, 2006
to school or not to school...
Well, it is just so weird having children... they are all so different. I mean they can look alike, have similar dis-likes and talents but they are completely different creatures.
We have had some difficulties and struggles in the school area. We have had one child that is OK in that area, we don't even really remember having to teach him to read (I think he was born literate), but has a struggle in the social area. Then we have one that flourishes in the spot-light but struggles in academics... and THEN, we have one that doesn't hit any chart at all, out of the box, so-to-say.
What to do, what to do... how important is academic acceleration. What about just doing the best you can and keeping your heart in tact? I mean, what if you never make an honor roll or excel in a subject that doesn't include a ball. Where is the line and balance? Is there a balance of a healthy heart and pushing someone to do their best without tearing a rip in who they think they are vs. the amazing creature they were created to be. We all want to be good at what is put before us and if we constantly are being told we aren't meeting that expectation then what are we to do? Where is the balance? Do we drop our expectations and nurture what areas are successful? Do we keep pushing even when we see it has left a lasting mark?
To school or not to school is all about the bottom line... how important is the heart vs. academic performance? I know we have to seek anything to find out anything but what about HOW we seek. I am I still doing my job set before me by God if I take an alternate route? So to school or not to school?
And, while I am babbling... why can't our educator (as a whole) teach in all ways? It is proven and undisputed that all children learn differently, why can't we accommodate that without having to "modify" life for them?
I am, praying about this but my very human side is emotionally fueled and in need of a little dumping.
We have had some difficulties and struggles in the school area. We have had one child that is OK in that area, we don't even really remember having to teach him to read (I think he was born literate), but has a struggle in the social area. Then we have one that flourishes in the spot-light but struggles in academics... and THEN, we have one that doesn't hit any chart at all, out of the box, so-to-say.
What to do, what to do... how important is academic acceleration. What about just doing the best you can and keeping your heart in tact? I mean, what if you never make an honor roll or excel in a subject that doesn't include a ball. Where is the line and balance? Is there a balance of a healthy heart and pushing someone to do their best without tearing a rip in who they think they are vs. the amazing creature they were created to be. We all want to be good at what is put before us and if we constantly are being told we aren't meeting that expectation then what are we to do? Where is the balance? Do we drop our expectations and nurture what areas are successful? Do we keep pushing even when we see it has left a lasting mark?
To school or not to school is all about the bottom line... how important is the heart vs. academic performance? I know we have to seek anything to find out anything but what about HOW we seek. I am I still doing my job set before me by God if I take an alternate route? So to school or not to school?
And, while I am babbling... why can't our educator (as a whole) teach in all ways? It is proven and undisputed that all children learn differently, why can't we accommodate that without having to "modify" life for them?
I am, praying about this but my very human side is emotionally fueled and in need of a little dumping.
"it doesn't matter"
OK a little venting is good for the soul right? The phrase "it doesn't matter" is SO not what it seems. Honestly, Have you ever used those words and it really... really did not matter? I have heard these words from just about every person close to me lately and I could tell before they were uttered that whatever it was... it mattered! A situation you can not control... It doesn't matter; a friend hurts you unknowingly... it doesn't matter; a spat ends in a draw... it doesn't matter. This could go on and on, right? So why do we short change ourselves and just choke down our feelings and become complacent.
Is it a way of avoiding? Uh, NO - cause you feel it anyway and you have to deal with it anyway all your doing is leaving the other person in the ever-loving land of oblivion.
Is it fear? What are we afraid of, is it that we might not get our way, might not be validated or is it just if we don't address the situation that we can really pretend it didn't happen? Yeah right, that seems to work one out of ...never-times.
Is it we just don't trust the person with our true feelings? Ouch, that one hurts. Could that be a factor? Hm-mm....
I don't know the answer but I do know that when someones says it doesn't matter... it does!
Is it a way of avoiding? Uh, NO - cause you feel it anyway and you have to deal with it anyway all your doing is leaving the other person in the ever-loving land of oblivion.
Is it fear? What are we afraid of, is it that we might not get our way, might not be validated or is it just if we don't address the situation that we can really pretend it didn't happen? Yeah right, that seems to work one out of ...never-times.
Is it we just don't trust the person with our true feelings? Ouch, that one hurts. Could that be a factor? Hm-mm....
I don't know the answer but I do know that when someones says it doesn't matter... it does!
blessings through a friend
Today is a good day, I have been trying to daily surrender my day, hour by hour, minute by minute to God's will instead of mine. Although, I have failed to respond at times... only when it involves cleaning :)
Last night I spoke something to a friend that I had never heard myself... I said, "you really don't have freedom when you are out feeding an addiction, avoiding responsibility or living on the streets ("living by your own rules"). Really that lifestyle is void of freedom; the addiction consumes all choices, lack of responsibility never erases responsibility just breeds guilt and living on the street... that is such a controlled environment because there is always someone telling you where you can sit, sleep, eat.... on and on.
So, what God said through me, sank in. I heard Him talking to me personally. Maybe, in my own life there are things that I view as freedom that really aren't and things or people I see as controlling me that are really here to give me freedom. Am I making sense? I don't think anyone is placed here to "control" us (as adults) but to help us by; leading, teaching and to walk beside us... definitely.
I can't choose for you, make you respond in a way I want or prohibit your will and nor can you do the same for me. So.... how do we identify the areas of deception? Well, so far God has been faithful to reveal areas to me that are functioning at a less than satisfactory speed. I am a bit hard- headed, stubborn and emotional so, I usually take the long road which usually does not parallel the "high" road.
Join me in the next few days or weeks in asking God to open the eyes of my heart that I might know Him more and through Him see my areas of blindness better.
Thank You God that You never grow weary of investing in us. Thank you that your will is good and perfect and that your plans for us are not to harm us but to give us hope and a future. I praise you and am thankful that you bless us with new and inviting days every morning. Thank you that you bring friends into our lives to help us and speak truth to us even through our own blindness. Thank you for never letting me forget from where you have brought me and may I continue to learn and grow in your ways. I humble myself in the knowledge that you are God. And I try a bit more each day to grasp the gift of Jesus that you have freely given to me and every child that calls you Father and believes.
Covered by the blood of Jesus I pray. Amen
Last night I spoke something to a friend that I had never heard myself... I said, "you really don't have freedom when you are out feeding an addiction, avoiding responsibility or living on the streets ("living by your own rules"). Really that lifestyle is void of freedom; the addiction consumes all choices, lack of responsibility never erases responsibility just breeds guilt and living on the street... that is such a controlled environment because there is always someone telling you where you can sit, sleep, eat.... on and on.
So, what God said through me, sank in. I heard Him talking to me personally. Maybe, in my own life there are things that I view as freedom that really aren't and things or people I see as controlling me that are really here to give me freedom. Am I making sense? I don't think anyone is placed here to "control" us (as adults) but to help us by; leading, teaching and to walk beside us... definitely.
I can't choose for you, make you respond in a way I want or prohibit your will and nor can you do the same for me. So.... how do we identify the areas of deception? Well, so far God has been faithful to reveal areas to me that are functioning at a less than satisfactory speed. I am a bit hard- headed, stubborn and emotional so, I usually take the long road which usually does not parallel the "high" road.
Join me in the next few days or weeks in asking God to open the eyes of my heart that I might know Him more and through Him see my areas of blindness better.
Thank You God that You never grow weary of investing in us. Thank you that your will is good and perfect and that your plans for us are not to harm us but to give us hope and a future. I praise you and am thankful that you bless us with new and inviting days every morning. Thank you that you bring friends into our lives to help us and speak truth to us even through our own blindness. Thank you for never letting me forget from where you have brought me and may I continue to learn and grow in your ways. I humble myself in the knowledge that you are God. And I try a bit more each day to grasp the gift of Jesus that you have freely given to me and every child that calls you Father and believes.
Covered by the blood of Jesus I pray. Amen
July 14, 2006
Isn't it a good thing....
In Lieu of my last post I have to add, isn't it good to have a God that expects the very best from us and only holds us to what He knows we can do.
How many people in our lives have unjust expectations of us?
Maybe we have friends that think we have more to offer than what we do, kids that expect us to satisfy every whim, family that makes plans for us assuming that is what we want, a ministry that expects perfection from us, a parent that pushes us to exhaustion.... it could be anything.
Expectations are dangerous unless you are God. He is the only one that knows all of the factors in the big picture. I guess I am just so thankful that my God doesn't sit up in heaven and glance down every now and then. The God I know is down here and hands on constantly stretching and growing his children to their full potential. And yes, in that... comes discipline. Sometimes it feels like a roll of distant warning thunder, a gentle snap of the finger to get our attention or at times a lasting wrath that reminds of that our Father loves us enough to not want us to stay bound in sin. Ultimately, the decision is ours... that's the beauty of it all, He never makes us do anything He makes it our decision. He has provided all of our needs we just have to choose to believe Him.
So, both the loving, compassionate Father God and the righteous Judge on the throne are the same and both very necessary for our freedom and life abundant. Think about life without hope or someone that knows everything about you, past, present and future and holds you to doing you best even when you fail. What would life be for without a reason to want to be better, a hope that brings us to our feet in the morning or the awe that is the world around us testifying to His glory with every glance.
There's just nothing like coming home to the feet of Jesus to make everything right again.
How many people in our lives have unjust expectations of us?
Maybe we have friends that think we have more to offer than what we do, kids that expect us to satisfy every whim, family that makes plans for us assuming that is what we want, a ministry that expects perfection from us, a parent that pushes us to exhaustion.... it could be anything.
Expectations are dangerous unless you are God. He is the only one that knows all of the factors in the big picture. I guess I am just so thankful that my God doesn't sit up in heaven and glance down every now and then. The God I know is down here and hands on constantly stretching and growing his children to their full potential. And yes, in that... comes discipline. Sometimes it feels like a roll of distant warning thunder, a gentle snap of the finger to get our attention or at times a lasting wrath that reminds of that our Father loves us enough to not want us to stay bound in sin. Ultimately, the decision is ours... that's the beauty of it all, He never makes us do anything He makes it our decision. He has provided all of our needs we just have to choose to believe Him.
So, both the loving, compassionate Father God and the righteous Judge on the throne are the same and both very necessary for our freedom and life abundant. Think about life without hope or someone that knows everything about you, past, present and future and holds you to doing you best even when you fail. What would life be for without a reason to want to be better, a hope that brings us to our feet in the morning or the awe that is the world around us testifying to His glory with every glance.
There's just nothing like coming home to the feet of Jesus to make everything right again.
July 13, 2006
What is it about God?
Ok so it's been awhile, I have been in process
What is it about our God, My God? What do I know or "think" I know about my Father in heave? Well, this is such a hard topic because we don't like to admit we might have wrong views of God but, if we're honest, we have a lot of ideas about who God is that are not God at all.
Okay I'll start, My most deceptive idea about God lately, has been that he is love and compassionate (which He is) BUT - I have ever so conveniently left out the righteous judge as well as our Master Creator He is also the taker of life. He is all of the good, perfect and wonderful things that we all adore about coming to the feet of our Jesus but... less we forget or dismiss the fact that we are to be held accountable to a higher way of life and a different set of values by a God that is easily angered and jealous when set aside.
Does that make sense? I have been so blinded by the goodness of God that I blotted out my own transgressions by assuming that the "goodness" of God covered them and maybe... somewhere deep inside me I even thought I deserved or was entitled to His forgiveness because I knew He loved me so much.
OK, for example, Let's say that I acted in some way irresponsibility and got in trouble. I am sorry for getting caught and the hurt I caused but, I never said to my self or out loud; "God, please forgive me I know what I did was wrong" (- agreeing with God that I acted out of His will for my life). You know what happens? nothing, you get nothing. In some cases in the Bible the person never felt the Holy spirit again because they did not have an awe (healthy fear or respect - another state of awe) for the mighty hand of God's judgement. Without a real respect for God the Judge, you can not have a healthy relationship with God the Father. His demand for us to follow Him is not a request and when we get to a point where you can look at Him and say... NO, I will not. BEWARE, His wrath has no comparison and will leave a lasting mark. Don't let pride, shame, ignorance or whatever it is get you to a point where God has to turn His face from you and let you over to your own evil desires. Whatever your idol, habit, addiction, baggage, pain, wound or assumption is... nothing has power over you unless you have given it over. Christ in you, Christ in me... we can overcome all things and live in victory but it is not free... the price? Obedience.
For me, I am studying the scriptures for exactly who God is in truth and getting the misconceptions, lies and half-truths out of my head and my heart, so I can know HIm more. Never again do I want to feel so apart and unconnected from my Father that I feel nothing.
What is it about our God, My God? What do I know or "think" I know about my Father in heave? Well, this is such a hard topic because we don't like to admit we might have wrong views of God but, if we're honest, we have a lot of ideas about who God is that are not God at all.
Okay I'll start, My most deceptive idea about God lately, has been that he is love and compassionate (which He is) BUT - I have ever so conveniently left out the righteous judge as well as our Master Creator He is also the taker of life. He is all of the good, perfect and wonderful things that we all adore about coming to the feet of our Jesus but... less we forget or dismiss the fact that we are to be held accountable to a higher way of life and a different set of values by a God that is easily angered and jealous when set aside.
Does that make sense? I have been so blinded by the goodness of God that I blotted out my own transgressions by assuming that the "goodness" of God covered them and maybe... somewhere deep inside me I even thought I deserved or was entitled to His forgiveness because I knew He loved me so much.
OK, for example, Let's say that I acted in some way irresponsibility and got in trouble. I am sorry for getting caught and the hurt I caused but, I never said to my self or out loud; "God, please forgive me I know what I did was wrong" (- agreeing with God that I acted out of His will for my life). You know what happens? nothing, you get nothing. In some cases in the Bible the person never felt the Holy spirit again because they did not have an awe (healthy fear or respect - another state of awe) for the mighty hand of God's judgement. Without a real respect for God the Judge, you can not have a healthy relationship with God the Father. His demand for us to follow Him is not a request and when we get to a point where you can look at Him and say... NO, I will not. BEWARE, His wrath has no comparison and will leave a lasting mark. Don't let pride, shame, ignorance or whatever it is get you to a point where God has to turn His face from you and let you over to your own evil desires. Whatever your idol, habit, addiction, baggage, pain, wound or assumption is... nothing has power over you unless you have given it over. Christ in you, Christ in me... we can overcome all things and live in victory but it is not free... the price? Obedience.
For me, I am studying the scriptures for exactly who God is in truth and getting the misconceptions, lies and half-truths out of my head and my heart, so I can know HIm more. Never again do I want to feel so apart and unconnected from my Father that I feel nothing.
June 20, 2006
Lifted or Shifted???
Well, here's a new thought to chew on...
When we have hurts, habits, hangups, strongholds, addictions; unhealthy patterns of behavior in general... can we shift them so they disguise themselves as something else. I don't mean we consciously shift them but the pattern shifts and we are fooled into thinking we are freer in an area of of lives than we really are. If that is so, does it not show the cunning abilities if our enemy? What more vulnerable a target than a wounded soul and to be so susceptible to the lie that you are kept in bondage unknowingly? Fooled into thinking that that struggle is healed and moving on to another only to find out they are one in the same?
Hmmm... I dunno, I am chewing this one down. I can see my past strongholds and how destructive they were to myself as well as everyone around me. When I wasn't in bondage to drugs, alcohol, whatever ( I still have difficulty listing them all), I assumed that they were areas of progression and freedom for me.
At the same time, I know God has provided healing and protection for me and my family but... I think that I was mistaken, God has required something of me all along but has seem my heart and for whatever reason, the time was not at hand... maybe now is the time for me to do the work that needs to be done. Maybe now, I am Strong enough to give whatever it is that I need to and to walk in victory with Him. Maybe, now it is time for me to dig up, dig in and clean out all my distorted views of God, hurts, and just the junk. Maybe now, I can be completely free from these unhealthy behaviors.
In conclusion, what I do know as truth is: God will never leave me or forsake me. As long as I am willing I don't have to know what my healing looks like or the full step by step... I can just go and He will be my guide and whatever comes up... He knows I can handle.... Trusting Him (that's my daily dwelling place, Trusting in Him).
Father God, Thank you that you know what we need, what we can handle and that Your ways are perfectly designed for us in mind. Thank you that you have lifted, helped and suspended unhealthy patterns in my life in protection of me. Thank you that you are trust worthy and Lord, help me to know what trust (your way) is. I desire to be healthy, productive and a blessing to You. Help me see that having You in me, with that, I can do anything (I shall not fear). You are worthy of so much more than I am offering to You, forgive me for choosing to put other things before you, being selfish enough to satisfy my own desires, and my lack of understanding the whole-ness of who you really are. You are Holy and there is none beside You. Thank you for Your constant provision, In You I can find anything I seek.
In the mighty name of Jesus I pray, Amen.
When we have hurts, habits, hangups, strongholds, addictions; unhealthy patterns of behavior in general... can we shift them so they disguise themselves as something else. I don't mean we consciously shift them but the pattern shifts and we are fooled into thinking we are freer in an area of of lives than we really are. If that is so, does it not show the cunning abilities if our enemy? What more vulnerable a target than a wounded soul and to be so susceptible to the lie that you are kept in bondage unknowingly? Fooled into thinking that that struggle is healed and moving on to another only to find out they are one in the same?
Hmmm... I dunno, I am chewing this one down. I can see my past strongholds and how destructive they were to myself as well as everyone around me. When I wasn't in bondage to drugs, alcohol, whatever ( I still have difficulty listing them all), I assumed that they were areas of progression and freedom for me.
At the same time, I know God has provided healing and protection for me and my family but... I think that I was mistaken, God has required something of me all along but has seem my heart and for whatever reason, the time was not at hand... maybe now is the time for me to do the work that needs to be done. Maybe now, I am Strong enough to give whatever it is that I need to and to walk in victory with Him. Maybe, now it is time for me to dig up, dig in and clean out all my distorted views of God, hurts, and just the junk. Maybe now, I can be completely free from these unhealthy behaviors.
In conclusion, what I do know as truth is: God will never leave me or forsake me. As long as I am willing I don't have to know what my healing looks like or the full step by step... I can just go and He will be my guide and whatever comes up... He knows I can handle.... Trusting Him (that's my daily dwelling place, Trusting in Him).
Father God, Thank you that you know what we need, what we can handle and that Your ways are perfectly designed for us in mind. Thank you that you have lifted, helped and suspended unhealthy patterns in my life in protection of me. Thank you that you are trust worthy and Lord, help me to know what trust (your way) is. I desire to be healthy, productive and a blessing to You. Help me see that having You in me, with that, I can do anything (I shall not fear). You are worthy of so much more than I am offering to You, forgive me for choosing to put other things before you, being selfish enough to satisfy my own desires, and my lack of understanding the whole-ness of who you really are. You are Holy and there is none beside You. Thank you for Your constant provision, In You I can find anything I seek.
In the mighty name of Jesus I pray, Amen.
June 18, 2006
required or not...
Today is a new day and honestly... this day IS better than the day before. We sang a song in worship today and it had a line that says "Every day with you Lord... is better than day before". Granted, that is not always the case to the human eye but always the case when we are trusting God.
Today God's revelation to me was this, in all of my past addictions, hurts or habits... I was delivered from them. For example, today a man gave his testimony about how God just took his stronghold and it was not a major area of struggle for him anymore. That's how my addictions, strongholds, unhealthy habits, whatever you want to call them have been lifted. God's abundant grace has virtually erased these past oppressions for me and there was little asked of me... nothing like what I think this journey beholds for me to give. This sin of mine is different as in... I am going to have to be on alert and obedient 24/7. I don't think I have ever had to be responsible (solely responsible) for my actions. I went from childhood to adulthood under the support and protection of my Dad and from there, straight to the same in my marriage. I have had jobs but never sole responsibility for own well being or "not so well" being.
What I do know... God has me right where He wants me. I am still very shut down spiritually and emotionally but I know each day brings new opportunities for me to take steps toward change. This may be the first time God is requiring something of me to bless me with full restoration. So, step by step I am learning to praise Him even when I know know why... just thank Him honestly and continue seeking a relationship with Him and this time, I am listening... He has my full attention.
Thank you God for being so faithful in your love even when I am not faithful in mine. You do not leave your children the same for long. You are constantly growing and stretching us to be more like Jesus and even when we say "no"... you love us enough to throw us to face the fire on our own. Your timing is perfect and your ways are right, help me to engrave your word on my heart so that the knowledge in my head is congruent to the ways of my heart. create in me a resolve to join you in victory. Teach me Father, how to be the child you see in me.
In the mighty name of Jesus I pray, Amen
Today God's revelation to me was this, in all of my past addictions, hurts or habits... I was delivered from them. For example, today a man gave his testimony about how God just took his stronghold and it was not a major area of struggle for him anymore. That's how my addictions, strongholds, unhealthy habits, whatever you want to call them have been lifted. God's abundant grace has virtually erased these past oppressions for me and there was little asked of me... nothing like what I think this journey beholds for me to give. This sin of mine is different as in... I am going to have to be on alert and obedient 24/7. I don't think I have ever had to be responsible (solely responsible) for my actions. I went from childhood to adulthood under the support and protection of my Dad and from there, straight to the same in my marriage. I have had jobs but never sole responsibility for own well being or "not so well" being.
What I do know... God has me right where He wants me. I am still very shut down spiritually and emotionally but I know each day brings new opportunities for me to take steps toward change. This may be the first time God is requiring something of me to bless me with full restoration. So, step by step I am learning to praise Him even when I know know why... just thank Him honestly and continue seeking a relationship with Him and this time, I am listening... He has my full attention.
Thank you God for being so faithful in your love even when I am not faithful in mine. You do not leave your children the same for long. You are constantly growing and stretching us to be more like Jesus and even when we say "no"... you love us enough to throw us to face the fire on our own. Your timing is perfect and your ways are right, help me to engrave your word on my heart so that the knowledge in my head is congruent to the ways of my heart. create in me a resolve to join you in victory. Teach me Father, how to be the child you see in me.
In the mighty name of Jesus I pray, Amen
Psalm 42:11
11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
For I will yet praise Him - That's my start...
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
For I will yet praise Him - That's my start...
from a chat to prayer
What happens if you don't trust God? What if I see Him clearly in the good things like; healing, restoring, grace and blessings but not in the bad? What if I am too scared to find out why I am choosing blatant sin over what I know is good and true?
All of my life I had struggles (we all do) and I learned to coat them with other things like: drugs, boys, spending, eating... whatever it always turned out to be a self-destructive behavior. Then, I went to rehab and learned how to not take drugs or drink, I learned to flee bad environments and I learned to identify the problem areas. Still, with this knowledge I relapsed, my knowledge had changed but... It wasn't until I was saved at 27 years old that my heart began to change. So, what am I missing now?
I feel so stupid, I know the answer is simple but have not a clue as to what it is. I have always said that in my "issues" I have many branches and I can see them, change them around, trim them and try to control them but underneath is the life blood - the root.
So tonight, I start my reconcillation with God by admitting all that I know He sees in me. I ask for forgiveness for my heinous sin against Him and ask that He continues to show me the fullness of my choices and their consequenses. I give to Him my doubt, my inability to trust or be trusted, my wounds that I can name and those I don't know how to utter them aloud. I give Him the broken down, yet faithfully believing spirit that He has continiously restored and rebirthed. I give Him my fear of failure, lack of responsibility and my rebellion. I am sure that the list goes on and on but for this moment, this night, I am finally ready to give Him all of me.
Those of you who don't understand... sometimes we can be in the holiest of holy places or the pit of sin and still be holding back something God wants... He wants all of us, every part.
Trembling and unsure of what that means I do, I give all of me to my Father God in Heaven who no matter what is faithful and just and loves me despite what He knows about me. I praise the name of Jesus and lay my will at His feet. May my sacrifice of pure heart and given in the greatest of humility and honor. Thank you Jesus that you are Hope, my hope lies in your name. Amen
All of my life I had struggles (we all do) and I learned to coat them with other things like: drugs, boys, spending, eating... whatever it always turned out to be a self-destructive behavior. Then, I went to rehab and learned how to not take drugs or drink, I learned to flee bad environments and I learned to identify the problem areas. Still, with this knowledge I relapsed, my knowledge had changed but... It wasn't until I was saved at 27 years old that my heart began to change. So, what am I missing now?
I feel so stupid, I know the answer is simple but have not a clue as to what it is. I have always said that in my "issues" I have many branches and I can see them, change them around, trim them and try to control them but underneath is the life blood - the root.
So tonight, I start my reconcillation with God by admitting all that I know He sees in me. I ask for forgiveness for my heinous sin against Him and ask that He continues to show me the fullness of my choices and their consequenses. I give to Him my doubt, my inability to trust or be trusted, my wounds that I can name and those I don't know how to utter them aloud. I give Him the broken down, yet faithfully believing spirit that He has continiously restored and rebirthed. I give Him my fear of failure, lack of responsibility and my rebellion. I am sure that the list goes on and on but for this moment, this night, I am finally ready to give Him all of me.
Those of you who don't understand... sometimes we can be in the holiest of holy places or the pit of sin and still be holding back something God wants... He wants all of us, every part.
Trembling and unsure of what that means I do, I give all of me to my Father God in Heaven who no matter what is faithful and just and loves me despite what He knows about me. I praise the name of Jesus and lay my will at His feet. May my sacrifice of pure heart and given in the greatest of humility and honor. Thank you Jesus that you are Hope, my hope lies in your name. Amen
The processing....
Hi all, I have been out of commission for a few days because we went on a trip to see my family in Mississippi.
During this time I was so aware of my gracious blesssings and also, very aware that I am surprised by my actions and the entirity of my sin. I am learning day by day that there are many aspects to my sin that I never took into consideration. I have effected my children, my friends, those I mentor, and most of all my husband.
Well, actually... most of all I hurt God... I hate to even think about it. I basically said "no" when He continuially asked me to stop and repent... how does one come to terms with the fact that given all the grace in the world... I still said no.
I guess my starting point is reconcilling with God. Only then can I imagine honestly and authentically reconciling with my husband, children, friends and family.
I think I have a long way to go in grasping the whole gammit of my sin but I know God is faithful and willing to heal me IF I am willing. I am.
There is definately a HUGE shame factor that creeps up and it almost turns into self-pity or in some way doesn't take full responsibility for my actions. I am not happy to think that I could be putting my sin off on some excuse rather than being completely humbled and responsible for my diliberate chossing of sin over what I obviously knew as right.
I am very interested to dig in and find out how or where that selfishness comes from... I guess I have always thought as myself more selfless that selfish except when I over book and become a flake on someone... my other work in progress... time management :) (That one takes a breather- while I am learning how to have someones trust and keep it). Oooh, I absolutely hate the fact that the truth and my actions say... more selfish. Yuk! Thas one of my dislikes in people, I have no patience for utterly selfish people... maybe because it too much hits home???
I dunno much of anything right now but I am on my way so check back every now and then to see whats up, who knows whats next here?
During this time I was so aware of my gracious blesssings and also, very aware that I am surprised by my actions and the entirity of my sin. I am learning day by day that there are many aspects to my sin that I never took into consideration. I have effected my children, my friends, those I mentor, and most of all my husband.
Well, actually... most of all I hurt God... I hate to even think about it. I basically said "no" when He continuially asked me to stop and repent... how does one come to terms with the fact that given all the grace in the world... I still said no.
I guess my starting point is reconcilling with God. Only then can I imagine honestly and authentically reconciling with my husband, children, friends and family.
I think I have a long way to go in grasping the whole gammit of my sin but I know God is faithful and willing to heal me IF I am willing. I am.
There is definately a HUGE shame factor that creeps up and it almost turns into self-pity or in some way doesn't take full responsibility for my actions. I am not happy to think that I could be putting my sin off on some excuse rather than being completely humbled and responsible for my diliberate chossing of sin over what I obviously knew as right.
I am very interested to dig in and find out how or where that selfishness comes from... I guess I have always thought as myself more selfless that selfish except when I over book and become a flake on someone... my other work in progress... time management :) (That one takes a breather- while I am learning how to have someones trust and keep it). Oooh, I absolutely hate the fact that the truth and my actions say... more selfish. Yuk! Thas one of my dislikes in people, I have no patience for utterly selfish people... maybe because it too much hits home???
I dunno much of anything right now but I am on my way so check back every now and then to see whats up, who knows whats next here?
June 07, 2006
my not so secret sin
well, my slump was self-induced and now is confession time for me. I have been in a virtual pit for many weeks. I knew from where it was coming but I was unwilling to stop what I was doing, confess and repent.
I don't know if anyone remembers my January blog entry "temptation and the not so secret sin" but, that was the beginning for me. My not so secret sin is overspending and then hiding it. It is truely an addiction for me and one unlike the addiction I fought with drugs and alcohol. This sin has had a consistant hold on me and is so embarassing to admit because of my past.
I am confessing this to you because it is important to me that other people understand that no matter what your addiction, habit or hang-up is... you are promised that if you endure and hold tight to the word of God, He is bigger than anything you will ever face. I didn't believe God. I was decieved for a long time, in that, because I "know", seek and pursue a relationship with God that I had everything I needed to have victory over my sin. Now, I also want you to know that God is capable of healing, lifting or just erasing any addiction, He is the foundation to all healing. However, sometimes I think He leads us to explore our addiction to learn more about who He is and how He can deliver us from our enemies, if we allow Him to. So, my deception was that I started to believe that I was powerless, it wasn't a big deal and that I had all of the knowledge but I was defective. I believed that here was something in my being that was broken... what a lie, a cop-out and light shattering truth I had tatooed on my heart.
This sin continued to grow and spread into all other areas of my life and was literally destroying me one day at a time. Still, I did not stop. I indirectly asked for help but in ways that no one could know what I was saying to them. I was completely enslaved to my sin, I was lying and cheating it was just ugly sin. I actually was choosing the pit, purchase after purchase, all the while knowing that my number would soon be up.
How can I do such a thing to anyone much less my beloved husband? I have struggled with trust issues and He had worked so hard to help me but now I see, I am not trustworthy so how could I possibily trust someone else?
I am just at the beginning of working all this out, I am seeking help and have totally confessed to my husband (after he found out enough to get me started).
I felt like I needed to confess to you too, because someone out there knows very well where I am coming from and child you are not powerless. I may feel powerless at times, and be heavy with shame but I am still a child of the most high God and He is stronger, bigger and more fullfilling than anything our minds can think up. He is hope and I need Him.
So, when you pray remember our family, we are struggling together as we progress through this process of healing and setteling an addiction, my addiction which has effected every member of my family, and a special one for my husband which has extended to me forgivness, mercy and grace that I do not deserve.
I don't know if anyone remembers my January blog entry "temptation and the not so secret sin" but, that was the beginning for me. My not so secret sin is overspending and then hiding it. It is truely an addiction for me and one unlike the addiction I fought with drugs and alcohol. This sin has had a consistant hold on me and is so embarassing to admit because of my past.
I am confessing this to you because it is important to me that other people understand that no matter what your addiction, habit or hang-up is... you are promised that if you endure and hold tight to the word of God, He is bigger than anything you will ever face. I didn't believe God. I was decieved for a long time, in that, because I "know", seek and pursue a relationship with God that I had everything I needed to have victory over my sin. Now, I also want you to know that God is capable of healing, lifting or just erasing any addiction, He is the foundation to all healing. However, sometimes I think He leads us to explore our addiction to learn more about who He is and how He can deliver us from our enemies, if we allow Him to. So, my deception was that I started to believe that I was powerless, it wasn't a big deal and that I had all of the knowledge but I was defective. I believed that here was something in my being that was broken... what a lie, a cop-out and light shattering truth I had tatooed on my heart.
This sin continued to grow and spread into all other areas of my life and was literally destroying me one day at a time. Still, I did not stop. I indirectly asked for help but in ways that no one could know what I was saying to them. I was completely enslaved to my sin, I was lying and cheating it was just ugly sin. I actually was choosing the pit, purchase after purchase, all the while knowing that my number would soon be up.
How can I do such a thing to anyone much less my beloved husband? I have struggled with trust issues and He had worked so hard to help me but now I see, I am not trustworthy so how could I possibily trust someone else?
I am just at the beginning of working all this out, I am seeking help and have totally confessed to my husband (after he found out enough to get me started).
I felt like I needed to confess to you too, because someone out there knows very well where I am coming from and child you are not powerless. I may feel powerless at times, and be heavy with shame but I am still a child of the most high God and He is stronger, bigger and more fullfilling than anything our minds can think up. He is hope and I need Him.
So, when you pray remember our family, we are struggling together as we progress through this process of healing and setteling an addiction, my addiction which has effected every member of my family, and a special one for my husband which has extended to me forgivness, mercy and grace that I do not deserve.
June 01, 2006
In His hands
mentoring, walking beside, helping someone out, befriending a struggling soul... these are all easy to say but a HARD life to live. Reaching out and giving something of yourself to someone opens up a door that no one wants to leave wide for fear of being hurt. Yet, someone did it for us, that's how we "get it", we see it, receive it, process it and return it to others. And now as we extend grace through leaving that door WIDE open, we first and foremost remember the gift of grace from our sovereign God but too, we have to acknowledge the human grace that has allowed us to have a softened heart for other hurting people and help us to extend the same grace to them. I have seen and experienced many different displays of pure grace from the Mosaic Community and as the road twists and turns I encourage my brothers and sisters not to grow weary. Choose to serve out of Gods love and His ability to love unconditionally -fearlessly. I am blessed to walk beside so many that truly grasp the wholeness of Gods grace, love and mercy... and can return it in the same way it was given, free-without expectations or hidden motives Just because He could, He saved us... He can save them too, all we have to do is serve and go where he asks... the rest is just out of our hands.
I am because He chose to let me
I saw her today
the one who is always sad and grey
she looked at me but as if she did not know
acting like all is well and her endless pain did not show.
what is it that she fears will happen if she lets it all go
Our merciful, mighty and able God does she just not really know?
how can we see so much without understanding its meaning deep down inside
and how can we understand and not see the work of our heavenly guide?
what can I say that would make anything different to her heart
I guess just being there to listen is where I could start.
maybe changing her isn't up to me
or even for my eyes in this life to see
I just know I have been there, unable to feel
wanting so much but not knowing how to begin to heal.
struggling to see anything past my completely devastated life
past the heartache, disappointment, fear and daily strife.
Then one day, with a word, it all just changed for me
the sorrow I heard finally brought me to my knees.
I don't know why I am not standing in her shoes on this day
Thanks to Jesus I was changed and that's all I can say.
I understand the blind man and all he said took place
he couldn't explain it but it was written all over his face.
We were blind different yet the same he and I
now we can see and our eyes lift to the sky
I don't really know if the legals ever believed
but that blind man and I... the same gift we received.
Life abundant and free to live the way we choose to
my "being" bound together and His voice began my weary soul to soothe
I am because He chose to let me
and I choose because He is the I AM and now I see.
so, what do I say to the sad and grey girl?
Oh, my child deep inside is a hidden pearl.
One day I hope you too will see
That life is a choice to be made by you and me
It takes a step out of what we know how to do
but the reward is seeing the precious jewel that is you.
you see, each child has a special place deep inside
and as we grow we try to fill it with things that can not there abide
so we grow cold and close up never again to try
never once looking up to see the comfort in the skies
so I guess all I can say to you are these simple few words of truth,
I was blinded and now I stand as living proof
God is able, wiling and ready to step in
all you have to do is take the first step to begin.
the one who is always sad and grey
she looked at me but as if she did not know
acting like all is well and her endless pain did not show.
what is it that she fears will happen if she lets it all go
Our merciful, mighty and able God does she just not really know?
how can we see so much without understanding its meaning deep down inside
and how can we understand and not see the work of our heavenly guide?
what can I say that would make anything different to her heart
I guess just being there to listen is where I could start.
maybe changing her isn't up to me
or even for my eyes in this life to see
I just know I have been there, unable to feel
wanting so much but not knowing how to begin to heal.
struggling to see anything past my completely devastated life
past the heartache, disappointment, fear and daily strife.
Then one day, with a word, it all just changed for me
the sorrow I heard finally brought me to my knees.
I don't know why I am not standing in her shoes on this day
Thanks to Jesus I was changed and that's all I can say.
I understand the blind man and all he said took place
he couldn't explain it but it was written all over his face.
We were blind different yet the same he and I
now we can see and our eyes lift to the sky
I don't really know if the legals ever believed
but that blind man and I... the same gift we received.
Life abundant and free to live the way we choose to
my "being" bound together and His voice began my weary soul to soothe
I am because He chose to let me
and I choose because He is the I AM and now I see.
so, what do I say to the sad and grey girl?
Oh, my child deep inside is a hidden pearl.
One day I hope you too will see
That life is a choice to be made by you and me
It takes a step out of what we know how to do
but the reward is seeing the precious jewel that is you.
you see, each child has a special place deep inside
and as we grow we try to fill it with things that can not there abide
so we grow cold and close up never again to try
never once looking up to see the comfort in the skies
so I guess all I can say to you are these simple few words of truth,
I was blinded and now I stand as living proof
God is able, wiling and ready to step in
all you have to do is take the first step to begin.
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