The war is now...

Today was full of everything from a celebration palm dance, the Lord's supper, traditional music,mixed with some very real life serious issues, wonderful worship, great rest and then BAM! the bottom fell out.

The oppression in the room was so evident that no one could deny it, we had to take time for prayer. As that time began, it was as if we were fighting on the front lines with the angels of God in the spiritual realm.

To back up just a little, the spiritual war being fought continuously in the heavens is not new information to me. I have known that there are very real evil demons just waiting to kill our very purpose, to rob us from life and slowly gnawing away at anything good, joyful or with promise. For a long time I lived thinking that evil reigned and was more powerful than God, I lived in a constant state of fear that controlled everything I did.

In my darkest despair a voice, an unmistakable voice, soothed my tortured soul. Jesus stepped in and asked me, "how long will you choose to suffer?" In that voice there was a sorrow, a comfort that said to me He was able to completely understand. He knew it all and still was calling to me, He wanted me and He didn't have to. In that moment, I knew that satan had lost his grip on my very being. I had been convinced that the life I lived was the life I deserved and maybe that is true but... I had found the fountain of life and wanted to explore all that it poured out. God had won my heart.

So, we know I was not startled today when the topic of the spiritual realm and the life and death fight that goes on every second of everyday 24/7 was spoken.
However, today was different. As I prayed, in my spirit something happened... I can't explain it, and well... I will sound like I have lost my mind but here it goes... for a moment, a flash, It was like I was there - I felt the intense hatres and soul focused fierceness of the enemy. Their only purpose is to destroy anything and everything that has even the smallest potential to be good... and when they fear they are losing their grip... that is what shook me to my core. it was worse than thinking that evil was more powerful, it was knowing someone hated me so much that they would watch me and when I am weakest, they attack, they look to hurt and break me, that's what they die for.

(Have you ever had a "disagreement" with someone and you just know they don't like you... it doesn't matter, if you run into them or think about it, you feel some kind of discomfort... times that by a trillion and maybe you can start to get just how much the enemy hates.)

I was completely overcome (still knowing I was in the power of Jesus Christ) I was just left with a disturbing understanding of how intense the battle it is. We know who wins BUT the battle is life and death everyday and honestly... I haven't lived that way, Do you?

I went on a short trip this past weekend, nothing was really different except that I was more aware of the poeple around me. I flew by myself on the way there, I was seated next to a lady that worked in Oak Ridge. We spoke about our kids, hers grown and they just bought a convertible, mine very much still at home :) She was going to Washington to head up a panel for Homeland security scholarships. She was very interesting and well versed in the college scholarship dos and don'ts, very encouraging with my son's pending career as an undercover CIA/chef choice. We laughed and talked the whole time it was nice.
Washington is beautiful... something drew me even from the air. I have moved it up in my top 5 palces to visit even though I only saw one concourse of the extremely large airport, I am hooked.
on the second leg of my trip I met another girl. She too, has been running a million miles an hour in the wrong direction. It's funny, she had the outer package: young, beautiful, bright eyes, christian book in hand but, still very lost in all of the pain she feels. I instantly identified with her, we talked, shared, laughed and shed a few tears on that 56 min. flight. It was oddly refreshing for me. I left knowing she would be OK, but also knowing she had some long road ahead until she would be willing to forgive. Oh, how I wish there was a short cut to healing, you know, without the acess pain.
I sat around all weekend, shopped a little, ate alot! and slept in. My vacation was well used :)
On the way home I listened to my IPOD, the lady next to me was SICK as a DOG (hack, hack, cough, cough!) YUK!!! We did speak a little and it was nice. I just was reminded that people are willing to talk IF we are willing to listen (really listen). I found that I was blessed by just knowing something about my sky-high friends that mattered to them. For those of you that know me, you know that I LOVE to talk but this weekend, I loved and learned, a little better, how to listen.

I met a girl

I met a girl just the other day,
she didn't really have much to say.
It didn't matter because I knew
Jesus was there, she had made the first move.
she finally found a safe place to rest
and gain the strength to start cleaning up the mess.
she can't say exactly where it went wrong
but now through Jesus she sees her life song
It's funny to hear her say things of the past
those things were done and will not last.
I think she's committed to make a change deep inside
and I want to help and walk beside.
Not too long ago, that was me.
maybe a little different to just see,
but deep inside we've all been there.
Desolate, hurting and in despair.
Until one day, someone walks into our life,
lends a hand, putting an end to all of the strife.
See, it's the same story of all the ages,
written, I'm sure on millions of journal pages.
It never grows dull when I get to see,
God come for His children through the feet of you and me.
I hope to meet another girl.
and help her see the hidden pearl.
The pearl that changes everything
and once again allows our hearts to sing.

That's our calling too!

"As kingdom citizens live their lives together, actually loving one another... such a community- whether it is a family, a few believers in a neighborhood, a network of business people, or a church congreation- makes a persuasive statement to an onlooking world that the kingdom, indeed is among them. The message of the knigdom is ampligied as its citizens live out their unique calling in community. As they do, the kingdom grows."

"...to live not according to the culture... but according to God's rule in (our) their hearts."
(both of these quotes are from, "The Insider", by: Jim Petersen & Mike Shamy)

John 17:4 "I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do."

That's our calling too! This is what Jesus said in prayer with God and if we are joint heirs in Christ... this too, is our calling as beloved children of God. So, as I am working this all out in my head I think about my unique calling ( what is it excatly - how does it play out in the world) and am I bringing God glory by completing the work He gave me to do? Are you?

Tonight, I was privileged enough as to watch as a precious child of God stepped out of his own comfort into the "stretching" of God's calling.

I think we all get comfortable in our little fortresses of safety barriers. We learn as we grow up that the world hurts and from that, we begin the unhealthy practice of retreating into our self-built fortresses for protection from hurtful words, actions or memories. As we grow in age, sometimes we do the work to break out and live outside those walls knowing that we are vulnerable, yet trusting God at His almighty word...

(Jer. 29 - 11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and will bring you back from captivity).
(Gal. 5 - 1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery).
(Gal 5 - 13 You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love).

And sometimes we start to come out, only to receive such pain that we retreat away, and make a declaration to our hearts that never again will we allow pain like that in again. I have said it, and I believed it for a long time. Sometimes my heart still tries to convince me that I would be better off seeking refuge in my fortress.

I believe this is one of satan greatest victories over God's children... for us to believe a life in bondage (living in a fortress) is better than loving without limits. Oh, how it pains me for each soul out there dying a little each day because of this lie. Loving will hurt at some point and time, it's a fact. However, we can trust God and believe that...

(1 Peter 4 - 12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed).
(Romans 8 - 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose).

Tonight, I saw a beloved child of God choose to have faith and step out into the world again. It doesn't matter what happens now, because now, he knows the price of living shut off and closed down in a fortress. He has chosen life in freedom, paid for by Christ, in His life, death and victorious resurrection.

(Romans 5 - 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us). SEE... BOUGHT AND PAID FOR!

I was blessed many times tonight. I guess, I never tire seeing Jesus building His kingdom through His hands and feet here on earth.

(Isa.6 - 8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? And I said, Here am I. Send me)!

I think we all struggle with "issues", our past or thorns in our sides. We all have many reasons we could use as, why NOT to go... we only need one to just do it... God created us to go and make disciples. Here am I (all of me) send me!

(Matt. 28 - 16 Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. 17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18 Then Jesus came to them and said, All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age).

Thank you Jesus, that you pick us up out of the mire and bless us with the ability to extend, to another, the same hand that picked us up... Thank you for being full-circle.

sometimes we caught up in what we "feel" from the world around us or things from our past. Yes, I get caught up quite often. The only way I have found to quench the "need" is to re-focus r change my perspective. I have to submerge myself in good and perfect things that are of God or point me to Him.
satan will use anything and everything to keep you feeling inadequate and unloved and that, is the days battle for you. Will you let the opposition's lies and schemes sink in to defeat or will you trust and believe the only truth there is and behole victory? It seems like a black and white answer doesn't it? Well, it is "A BATTLE" there is nothing easy or black and white about it. All we can do is CLING TO WHAT WE KNOW IS TRUE and react from there. Do I fail a million times a day? YES! but do I find stength with every victory? YES! Your Father has everything you need all you have to do is ask. He is faithful and true to answer you. So, take time out to go somewhere that you can, and pray...walk, get on your knees, sit, go to the altar... whatever it takes; do it, and I know you will find Him and exactly what you seek.

Fear.... did you know that fear can rush over you and paralyze you, or it can slowly suck the life out of you OR it can put on a mask and become a companion... any way you look at it, fear is destructive.
Now what do we know about fear? Well, it is not born of God. He calls us to fear only Him. (Ps.23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
PS.27:The LORD is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?)
In fact, we are to: Ps.2:11 Serve the LORD with fear and rejoice with trembling.
Fear takes on a whole different meaning to me in this text. For me, a "fear' of God is something that goes hand in hand with knowing that He is the Master Creator of all things and knowing that, with a simple word... it was done. His power is unparalleled, undefined and without understanding. He, is the great I AM.
Nothing, nothing in this world or in any other can compete with that. So? My fear problem? gone for now... the answer? being reminded of where fear comes from.... (see PS.23:4 above) evil. And as a child of God, what can evil do to me? Nothing unless I give up myself (my identity) to a lesser power.
With all of this you would think that I never struggle with fear and yet it is the foundation of all my doubt, struggles and sin. For such a small insignificant word it sure packs a load. Be alert and don't take God's word for granted, for it holds the keys to life in Him. Without it... fear rules and we are defeated.
Wake up knowing, that in this day, there will be battles to win and live to conquer on the side of God. And... when we get caught off guard? We remember how cunning and dangerous lies are and in rebellion we suit up with... Eph. 6:11- Put on the full armour of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
If you don't know the battles are there or you think you can ignore them?... you are decieved... be alert! - 1 Pe.5:8 - Be self- controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. This is a old but much needed re-NEW-ed life lesson for me and I hope you too.

well, nothing of profound meaning to say but this... sometimes a routine trip is not "just" a trip. We had the opportunity to take our "sissy" to Dallas on a little whirl-wind trip to visit Grandaddy and Grandmother Splann. It was a great trip where Cassie had the opportunity to better get to know her extended family. Sometimes miles get in the way of the blessing of knowing family and friends as well as you want or should. I guess I had taken it for granted that it would happen but I am not exactly sure how I thought we would grow the two together without visits and such... Well, Cassie had said many times, while there, that she loved it and didn't want to return home. It was nice to see her hug on and play around with her grandparents. It was a comfortable environment with little distraction or hustle and bustle. We did alot but when we didn't... she was totally OK to explore outside. I thought we might have to go, go, go, all the time but then I was reminded that the best memories I have aren't of glorious places (those are nice) but it was more of the feeling of the moment.
Most of you reading this, know of my struggles to find where I "fit" and for me to go home and not struggle to find a place that still fits (or where I fit)... that made it more that "just" another trip.

a moment at the gym...

FYI... I have been concentrating on my insides for so long and just recently have I acquired the will to do some work on the outside too. So, that's where the gym comes into play.

Well who says you have to be at the altar to encounter God? I do not mean any disrespect but I have no doubt that when you ask (no matter where you are) that God takes it seriously and pours out.
I was on the elliptical machine working and giving all I could and repeating the few scriptures that I have actually retained about strength and endurance (by the way, it helped to have a former Green Bay player next to me cheering me on too - He was taller than me and three of me across). I had forgotten my IPOD with all of "MY MUSIC" so I had to settle for the junk they play... So instead I blocked all that out and went to God in prayer.
I didn't intend on getting into a long deep conversation because, for one. I had no breath and two, I went to prayer for distraction and strength. Let me explain that just a little, not just distraction but I know my relationship with God well enough that once I go there... All else passes away and it's just me and Him.

So He was there and we had an impromptu meeting (at least for me, He probably knew I was coming). I started out just thank Him for all of the healing and love He has poured out in my insides and that now I was updating the temple on the outside and only by Him could I accomplish such a work. Then I began reflecting on my time in the Karns HS office and praying for students that I saw but did not know. Then... The rain began to fall. God began to speak to me and ask me questions... What about THIS generation? Was I raising a child to blend in or stand out? Would my child be known as one of the "lost" generation? And on that note... Do they know that they are building a legacy as the Lost ones? Do they care? Do they know that they have the choice to leave their mark on the world or let the world leave it's mark on them? Do they know how valuable they are. Why are they so lost? Who will tell them? Who will lead them and how can we change the future our children are heading for?

Now with all of that poured out and me still trying to hold it all together, remember I am in a gym on a running machine with tons of people around that probably don't know that I am not crying out of workout pain but pain of the heart. I didn't have any way to write it down or record it so I called my husband's cell and left a message, then I called again and he answered so I dictated a little of it to Him. I just knew that this was too much responsibility for me to just HOPE I remember, so I did what I could at the time. I have been processing for the last day or two and know that God is doing a work and it's not just in me. He is laying this on us so... There it is. I am sorry I don't have the answers but somehow I know that God has the answers in us and we will have to seek Him and search our hearts to find the answers and lead this generation in the way God leads us. I think part of what He was saying was... Don't give up.

My first assignment...

OK, this is my first assignment from my online writing group... It's so scary but I thought I'd share it with you too. Feel free to let me know what you think (good or bad)... That way I can grow as a writer.
Oh, the assignment? 500 words of description.

She was nothing like I had thought she might be. She stood about medium height with just a little hunch in her spine from age but, somehow it was distinguishing and added to her beauty. She had the most comforting smile: genuine and warm, not over doing it, just enough to put your guard at ease.

I had finally spotted her, she was across the room, laughing with a friend. I could not hear what they were saying but it was obviously a conversation shared between good friends. Her laugh floated over the room, it was so feminine and sweet, her eyes danced as she leaned back ever so slightly as if she might fall over from laughing so hard. It was surly an overflowing of pure joy.

She had perfectly styled hair of white, short and neat but not matronly a bit hip for her generation. Her blue eyes held an eternal flame of hope and love that just poured comfort over you if you caught her glance.

She donned a beautifully tailored suit of blue, prim and proper with a white laced trimmed silk shirt underneath, black shoes and beautiful accessories that made it all come together. Elegant is just part of ho she is.

As I walked across the room to meet her, it seemed as if my mind raced about her for hours, in just those few steps. I was nervous, as if she could see right through me but, with on glance, my nerves were stilled. She spoke to me in the most gentle but deliberate voice, one of strength and confidence.

She was much more mature than I but, she had a peace that I did not know, yet I longed for. As I got to know her more and more, my first impressions faded and the beauty I had thought about her was magnified. she is someone that I dearly love and cherish, She is my friend, Maynelle.

Oh, how I almost immediately envied her. She had grace, gentleness, respect and a confidence that was humble but true. And... she has a way of making you the most important thing to her at that moment, you feel like you have been heard and validated every time you talk with her.

As I have been privileged enough to continue to get to know her, I have found that all of those wonderful and endearing qualities I had assumed about her at our first meeting were not only true but also authentic. She is someone I want to learn from and learn I am. Since that first day of meeting, we have committed to meeting every week to talk and pray together.

Oh, that’s another thing to hear her pray. She talks with God in such a humble and honoring way, you know she is vastly familiar with whom she speaks. She encourages with scripture so you know that it’s not just her that supports you and believes in you, she leads you to God for the ultimate form of encouragement.

She is burdened for the broken and hurting and she is a warrior on their behalf. If she says she will be praying for you,… watch out something big is bound to happen. She is goodness, grace, and unconditional love, merciful, compassionate and strong. She is someone worhy of our attention to her example.

Now, as she begins to feel the symptoms of her age she feels and knows that her heart is able and willing but her body is becoming weaker and unable to keep up with her heart. She is frustrated and struggles with where she fits in now. She doesn't see that she is still everything that she always has been, but now, it is her time to receive from those who love her. Will she be able to accept the blessing?

Tempatation and the (not so) secret sin

I have this adversion to buying and doing what I say I will, when I say I will, and it is an area that has nearly destroyed my marriage in the past. I have many excuses about why I am like that and why I do the things that I do but when it comes down to it... I am deceived. Over the 16 years that I have been married, I have grown and improved in many areas including my thought patterns when it comes to money.

So, why the blog... because there is still something wrong, a glitch in my belief system, an unwillingness of my heart to change what needs to be changed. Oooh, that's kind of ugly, isn't it. I really dislike finding out that I am unwilling, usually... I am the last to figure it out. I have allot of "issues" and have been willing to change in most and, if not right away, then shortly after. Why is this particular issue so hard for me to give up? I know control is in the mix, rebellion, emotional spending and habit. So about everything I know of that causes problems is in the mix.

This isn't a new revelation I have been working on this since I realized that I was wrong and everyone else really WAS right. Again, what am I not doing? Well, for starters I don't ask God before I make a purchase, nor do I pray about my purchases before I set out to make them and, if I begin to feel conviction... I rationalize it out until the conviction goes and I get my way (so to speak). There is a "rush" that I get when I am angry, hurt or upset and I numb that by spending, regardless of who it hurts (usually me in the end).

So, what can I do to make the comfort of keeping this sin more uncomfortable than making the change to healthy stewardship? Well, first I can bring God into the picture, ask for forgiveness, repent and sacrifice my fleshly wants for what I know God wants me to do. Oh, that is so easy, I'm cured... NOT! The reason I am writing this is because I want to make it known that sometimes we have a lifetime of battles, a thorn in our side, something that FEELs bigger than us. However, little by little, battle by battle... I find (we find) that it IS bigger than us but, not Christ in us (that's how the war is won). I have to be obedient to God and in this area I am not. It all boils down to willingness... am I willing to let go of the "rush" and take hold of victory in Christ? I am not sure what the change will be but, am I honestly willing to trust Him and find out?

Midnight Ramblings

why do we wait to say things to people until we think it's the right time? Like, why wait until I sense my child is struggling to ask how they are? Or what about loving our friends... why wait to say what we feel until the "right" time or an appropriate time. Or even telling our spouse what is so special about them or reminding them of why we chose them and would again? Why do we wait? In a society that is so instant with microwaves, DVDs and cell phones what makes us wait for the important things?
I have a theory about why I wait. I think I wait to get down and gushy because I have to be vulnerable. I have to put myself out there where I can get hurt. Somewhere down the line I heard that saying your feelings for someone just ends up in hurt... Dad's, boys, friends and so on.
What a lie I have believed and what a blessing I have been cheated out of. For a long time I didn't commit my whole self to my husband because of fear that he would eventually leave. I have had many close friendships that have ended prematurely because I could not handle the change in relationship either by moving, illness or growth. I already know that I do not take well to change but I never knew the extent of it until I looked back at my family and friends. Where have all my good friends gone?
Well, I am trying something new, I will no longer hold my tongue out of fear and I will speak what God leads me to and not worry about the "IF's". I am tired of losing my relationships because of piddily little things.

My goodness, Jesus kept friends, He valued his relationships and He never refused love out of fear.

again, I struggle. I struggle to maintain my freedom of thought when I am faced with major adversity, life changes or the possibility of being left behind. Really it's the latter, I can feel myself pull away when I am needed most in my relationships. I can't stand the feeling that comes when someone is moving away, ill or in any way "abandoning" me.
That is a huge word for me, abandonment, but God is teaching me so much about it. I am learning that sometimes... it's just not all about me and what I need. I am learning to reach out when I want to run and to have hope when I don't. I am learning to love when I can and for how long I can and what may come... so be it, I will no longer let satan scheme me out of deeper relationships because of fear. I know now what pits await me as I continue on the journey (instead of running away) and now I can find my freedom as long as I remember who is the victor and who is already defeated!
Thank you God for (again) reminding me who You are and who I am not and how to love without limits or fear. I praise You and worship You for You alone are worthy. You are my all in All. AMEN

Have you ever heard the quote...

"then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"- Anais Nin

Well, that is so much the story of my life. for so long I lived bound by fear, grasping for some sense of control and devastated by pain. In fact, I chose it for a long time, even after I began to see how I was living I was too scared to change (I believed that it was impossible, I was too broken). I saw the fault of my belief system and still was terrified that if I changed that it might get worse so I settled for the torn life and the broken heart that I tried so desperately to hide inside.
That life was so defeating and horrible, until someone, that saw in me the potential of the beautiful blossom said to me, "when (not if), when you take down that wall I can't wait to see the beauty that lies on the other side." Now, that statement alone made it into my heart but, it was not until I began to see who I was that a change began to take place. It wasn't who I was, not in and of myself, but Christ in me. The loneliness was soon halted, the pain began to heal and I began to have hope that there really was more to this life than hurt, pain and disappointment.
So, from the time I can first remember, I knew there were things that I was better off not doing or saying to keep the peace. I can say that from my young childhood through my twenty's (maybe even my early thirties) I was more comfortable tight in a bud than letting go and becoming the beautiful blossom God created in me. I still struggle (often) the difference? I am willing to grow. satan has no power over me anymore and I am free to live from the heart God intended for me to live from. Does that make me perfect or without sin? NOPE! just willing, aware and ready to be humbly and mercifully refined.
Thank you Jesus, for loving me first and always leading me to change and grow.

Father creator, Master designer - I come before you humbly and of pure heart. Father, you are the only one that can grant grace, grant forgiveness and reconciled all things. I ask that, as I pray, if there is a stumbling block that will keep me from entering into pure and holy conversation with you that you would reveal that to me.

Father, there is so much that you are moving in that I am spinning with excitement. You are the perfect one, the only One and the ultimate beginning to all things. Everything should begin on your word, your leadership and in your ways.

Father, you have a child named Donald. You have chosen him to go into the world and share your heart with others. I suspect that this is a wonderful place but comes with some fear and some times of stretching beyond what we might choose or want. I pray for wisdom so he can discern your ways and keep on that journey that You are laying before him without distraction.

Father, I pray that as you have already prepared the way, that you continue to protect him from the schemes of satan.
I pray for strength and healing in the depths of his soul with every word He sings. I pray for him to have boldness, for Your glory to be displayed and him to do so as You would have him do (all glory and honor to You for You are worthy, thank you for the work of Your hands). Open his eyes Father, bless him abundantly and assure him in times of fear. Send him reminders of how deep and wide your love is and that You are willing and You are able to accomplish anything You ask of him. Let him know and feel how much you believe in who You have made him and that You know he is strong enough to live in victory. You have already created the way, all we have to do is believe and step out. You have done it! Renew him and let him soar in the spirit that you so willingly pour out on you children.

As the time comes for travel, I ask that you would surround the car with the hedge of protection, let their eyes see only your perspective and not look to the right or to the left, keep them close and in the safety of Your hands, As they go out, shelter the ones they leave behind,bless them and keep them safe.

Father, you are perfect in your ways... There is no better time, no need for more preparation and no room for doubt. God, to you be all the glory and may your works be displayed for all to see and let it be done in worship of you.

I am in awe of your constant care and endless flowing love, Thank you. With all that is within me I praise you for you are the holy God, my Abba.

In the most precious name of Jesus I pray, Amen

For Judy,.

A Mother's Love

A mother's love does not exist in a physical laugh or cry
nor does a mother's love ever fall away or die.
Time may pass
and life's journey may move on
but, a mother's love continues like the coming of a new dawn.

So in those times of solitude, hurt or despair
there is no need to go looking for it is always there.
A mother's love will continue to grow and live on,
long after this life is all but gone.

her love is in the peace you are able to give,
the morals she taught,
the smile you inherited and the lessons you fought.

She lives on and spreads her love deep and wide
throughout the generations with her example as our guide

So, as we prepare to say good-bye for just now,
we struggle to go on and may wonder how?

Just remember....

A mother's love does not exist in a physical laugh or cry
nor does a mother's love ever fall away or die.
Time may pass
and life's journey may move on
but, a mother's love continues like the coming of a new dawn.

I don't know why I get caught up in thinking that I have to have things all figured out to take them to God in prayer. You know, having all the words or knowing how to pray? I fall so short in my prayer life when I am confused or faced with an obstacle that I can't figure out. Or even more so, if I am hurt. I know that when I am hurt about something I close up and shut down, usually my words are "I am done". So, after all of the head knowledge that I have and believe wholly and the written truth why is my heart so slow or unwilling to prayerfully respond in times like these?
Like last week, I went through a time of deep depression. I was not sure exactly why I was sinking but it was clear to me, that something was not right and I couldn't help it. Did I pray through it? Nope, I tried to no avail to wade through it myself knowing that prayer was the answer but not going that route. I spent about 5 days wallowing in whatever it was until I looked around and saw what I was doing... God is always faithful to send me reminders and I finally grasped at one and started out of the pit. All I had to do was talk it out with God, I KNEW He was the answer but I just can't figure out why I did not go to Him first. Maybe I wanted to wallow? Maybe it was more comfortable than working it out... I don't know the exact answer yet but by God's grace and faithfulness... I am out off the pit (again) :)

My answer lies in Psalm 71:14 - 14 But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

So, I praise in all things, when I know and when I don't. It's not a new word... it's not profound but it is the way out of hopelessness.

A Simple Manger

A Simple Manger

Since the beginning of time God has provided all of our needs,
He created a way to Him despite our selfish and sinful deeds.

A girl He chose innocent and pure,
a calling that held a world for her to endure.
He chose her knowing that she would be true,
she would bare he Messiah, no matter what she might lose.

She rejoiced and sang to the one and only Lord,
Not once looking back but obediently moving forward.

Joseph was a man with a great mind and much honor,
He took some time to make this decision he thoughtfully pondered.
He thought that he would do what was best,
but found that his spiritual belief would be put to the test.

God sent His angels to prepare the way
for the Holy Messiah's coming birthday.

Time came to travel long and far for the census.
Behold, in the town of Bethlehem, born the Savior, God sent us.

Everyone knew that this was like no other night,
for the star of the North had continuously shone bright.
Shepherds and kings had traveled on long journeys to see,
The baby, the Son of God and all he was here to be.

There were those whose intentions were all be true,
but already the baby Jesus, His prophecy He knew.

A tiny babe sent from God's loving hands
to come down to earth and teach us to take a stand.

Our Savior born in a humble manger stall,
came to wash us clean and to deliver us all.

He was sent to us from God's grace filled heart,
to make a way from His love never to depart.
This awesome gift given with out string from up above,
sent to guide us, lead us and show us God's pure love.

God made sure that there was just one way,
it would stand forever no matter where we might stray.

So if in this season you are finding yourself lost,
go back to the debt... The birth, life and ultimate paid cost.
Think about and remember why God sent His son in the flesh,
to renew us, love us, so we can walk with Him washed and refreshed.

He chose us way before it was our time,
to care and strengthen us to walk a fine line.
He gives us absolutely everything we need,
He asks us only to plant a seed.

A seed planted in the heart of those without His love,
A miserable life to live without the hope that is God above.
He calls us and woos us close to His side,
forever with Him we are now able to abide.

Again take a moment to re-live the awesome wonder,
Of the life of Jesus Christ and all that falls under.

Let that voice that tends to grow faint deep inside,
overcome us and teach us never again to hide.

Oh Lord; today please let your glory show,
that through these words all will know.
We will feel your call and the living hope,
that comes day by day as we learn to cope.

Let us see your passion and divine love,
That flows freely from the heavens above.

Show us, make us let us wholly understand,
the gift of life that was sent by your loving hand.
Let us take in, the grace that you showed us that day,
in a tiny baby, a simple manger... Making the way.

El-Shaddai -- The God Who is Sufficient for the Needs of His People!

El-Shaddai -- The God Who is Sufficient for the Needs of His People! Sufficient, meaning: Being as much as is needed. So, God provides exactly what we need, when we need it and how we can receive it. How wonderful is a Father that knows and cares about every intimate detail of our life?

For a long time I thought that God was responsible for my pain. I placed blame on everyone and I felt like since I hurt so bad, I was owed something... I was "due" anything because I endured the constant pain that I did.

Was my pain real? An emphatic Yes! Was God the one who placed it on me? No, I do believe that spiritual growth is accomplished through the struggles and pain that come along with some of life lessons and submission. However, in my case... I was responsible for a great deal of my own pain from my own decisions. I had some things that were naturally against me like; being adopted, adopted again, a volatile home, a mentally ill sibling, abuse and divorce. What most of this stuff said to my heart was: you are unloveable. So I became unloveable, I was bitter, angry and I resented anything pure and good because I did not feel pure or good - I didn't understand it nor did I think that I was capable of it.

How did I answer the lie that I was unloveable... Besides fulfilling that prophecy, I began using mind numbing drugs, seeking attention form guys, being the "badest" girl that I could and living for hurting those that I felt had wronged me. When I look back I almost laugh, I see it now, God drew a line and I never crossed it, not of my own will but His. I had already crossed every line drawn before me but, this one I didn't see nor could I comprehend.

What made me different than the girl who overdosed in 10th grade or the many kids that went to jail, lost their future or did something that they could never undo to themselves or someone else... What's the difference? I don't understand it but it's love. Does God love me more than those others? No, so what is it?

When people say I live because He lives... I KNOW that, not only as fact but, also as God's truth. If it were not for God seeing something in me, knowing that one day I would be used by Him or caring enough to never give up on me.. I would not only be physically dead, I would be lost forever.

Not too long ago, I told my husband that something in me was broken and I couldn't do anything else.. I could not change. I was unable to help myself or save my marriage because I believed this lie. I thought that if anything, anything else came out and I had to speak it, re-live it or talk about it, that I would permanently lose my mind, I would just shut off. I really thought that if I let go and just pulled out the junk, I would be unable to function forever, I would be too broken to fix.

Can you believe that lie? Do not be fooled, satan is just waiting to tell you the mother of all lies and he's good, it will be one that pierces your heart and feels like truth. Maybe you already have some lies in your heart... I am unloveable, I am ugly, too stupid, too fat, too broken? Take a moment and just ask God if there is a lie that needs to be uncovered in your heart. This process was one of the hardest things I ever had to do because I really believed that I was too broken and I would never be able to hold it all together.

Guess what? El-Shaddai -- The God Who is Sufficient for the Needs of His People, SHOWED UP! Little by little with the help of many different people God began to reveal to me that I was not too broken and that I was deceived. He began to shed some light on who He was and how much His love changed everything for me. I began to talk about my hurts, my habits and my (many) hangups. It wasn't easy, in fact it was pretty ugly and at times still is but, I began to see that there really was more to me than my pain. Having hope that there is an end to the pain was what I needed to spark my curiosity. People say that believing in God, accepting Jesus is the end to life... it's''s been an adventure like none I have ever seen or heard of for me. It has been more than just my life, it's a mosaic of: every sister and brother that has called me friend, my family, every class, teacher, every person who has encouraged me, every hand that was extended, every single person that God provided for me to help me heal. God never failed to provide what I needed, when I needed it and how I could receive it. He is faithful!

Is my healing over? Nope, but the difference is that I know who He is better and I trust Him. I know that I have a god-given purpose and those things that broke me... They are now some of my strongest areas of belief. I don't just believe in God, that might be boring but, believing him... Now, that's the journey! He is El-Shaddai: Sufficient for the Needs of His children!

Why do I write stuff like this? Because what God whispered to me in my darkness, I can't do anything but shout from the roof tops. This is my roof top.

All praise and glory unto you God, for you are worthy!

Reflecting on the season and realizing how far I am from that person I want to be is: at the same time defeating and exciting. I am discouraged because I know the only thing holding me back is me BUT I am encouraged and excited because I know, in every part of me I know, that God loves me. He alone is constantly molding and changing me to be more of who He created me to be. If I am not willing to go along peacefully, He makes a way and I still go along... Sometimes it is much harder and a much longer journey and sometimes I don't even know it's happening. What I do know is, He will never stop creating in me a pure heart as long as I am willing to ask.

That covers it all, I once craved and flourished in the darkness of a sinful heart and now I live for a God that can create in me a heart of the purest love I ever imagined... And now I can't live without praising Him.

Thank you God, for the gift of being able to hear my heart. I had shut it out for so long until, You came and spoke hope in and enabled me to hear.
For awhile all I heard were breaks and cracks but, you never planned for that to be all there was for me. The hurt was something I had to live through to fully grasp your love and healing. Now I can hear the beauty of who you are in me and the sound of other broken hearts. I can hear with ears that have been deaf and a heart that has been broken so now I too can proclaim the goodness of my father. Now, I hear the binding up and heartbeat of hope birthed in others as you begin to restore their hearing. Thank you Father for the honor of being a chosen child of the one that is the beginning and end to all, everything, forever... Amen.