sometimes we caught up in what we "feel" from the world around us or things from our past. Yes, I get caught up quite often. The only way I have found to quench the "need" is to re-focus r change my perspective. I have to submerge myself in good and perfect things that are of God or point me to Him.
satan will use anything and everything to keep you feeling inadequate and unloved and that, is the days battle for you. Will you let the opposition's lies and schemes sink in to defeat or will you trust and believe the only truth there is and behole victory? It seems like a black and white answer doesn't it? Well, it is "A BATTLE" there is nothing easy or black and white about it. All we can do is CLING TO WHAT WE KNOW IS TRUE and react from there. Do I fail a million times a day? YES! but do I find stength with every victory? YES! Your Father has everything you need all you have to do is ask. He is faithful and true to answer you. So, take time out to go somewhere that you can, and pray...walk, get on your knees, sit, go to the altar... whatever it takes; do it, and I know you will find Him and exactly what you seek.

Fear.... did you know that fear can rush over you and paralyze you, or it can slowly suck the life out of you OR it can put on a mask and become a companion... any way you look at it, fear is destructive.
Now what do we know about fear? Well, it is not born of God. He calls us to fear only Him. (Ps.23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
PS.27:The LORD is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?)
In fact, we are to: Ps.2:11 Serve the LORD with fear and rejoice with trembling.
Fear takes on a whole different meaning to me in this text. For me, a "fear' of God is something that goes hand in hand with knowing that He is the Master Creator of all things and knowing that, with a simple word... it was done. His power is unparalleled, undefined and without understanding. He, is the great I AM.
Nothing, nothing in this world or in any other can compete with that. So? My fear problem? gone for now... the answer? being reminded of where fear comes from.... (see PS.23:4 above) evil. And as a child of God, what can evil do to me? Nothing unless I give up myself (my identity) to a lesser power.
With all of this you would think that I never struggle with fear and yet it is the foundation of all my doubt, struggles and sin. For such a small insignificant word it sure packs a load. Be alert and don't take God's word for granted, for it holds the keys to life in Him. Without it... fear rules and we are defeated.
Wake up knowing, that in this day, there will be battles to win and live to conquer on the side of God. And... when we get caught off guard? We remember how cunning and dangerous lies are and in rebellion we suit up with... Eph. 6:11- Put on the full armour of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
If you don't know the battles are there or you think you can ignore them?... you are decieved... be alert! - 1 Pe.5:8 - Be self- controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. This is a old but much needed re-NEW-ed life lesson for me and I hope you too.

well, nothing of profound meaning to say but this... sometimes a routine trip is not "just" a trip. We had the opportunity to take our "sissy" to Dallas on a little whirl-wind trip to visit Grandaddy and Grandmother Splann. It was a great trip where Cassie had the opportunity to better get to know her extended family. Sometimes miles get in the way of the blessing of knowing family and friends as well as you want or should. I guess I had taken it for granted that it would happen but I am not exactly sure how I thought we would grow the two together without visits and such... Well, Cassie had said many times, while there, that she loved it and didn't want to return home. It was nice to see her hug on and play around with her grandparents. It was a comfortable environment with little distraction or hustle and bustle. We did alot but when we didn't... she was totally OK to explore outside. I thought we might have to go, go, go, all the time but then I was reminded that the best memories I have aren't of glorious places (those are nice) but it was more of the feeling of the moment.
Most of you reading this, know of my struggles to find where I "fit" and for me to go home and not struggle to find a place that still fits (or where I fit)... that made it more that "just" another trip.

a moment at the gym...

FYI... I have been concentrating on my insides for so long and just recently have I acquired the will to do some work on the outside too. So, that's where the gym comes into play.

Well who says you have to be at the altar to encounter God? I do not mean any disrespect but I have no doubt that when you ask (no matter where you are) that God takes it seriously and pours out.
I was on the elliptical machine working and giving all I could and repeating the few scriptures that I have actually retained about strength and endurance (by the way, it helped to have a former Green Bay player next to me cheering me on too - He was taller than me and three of me across). I had forgotten my IPOD with all of "MY MUSIC" so I had to settle for the junk they play... So instead I blocked all that out and went to God in prayer.
I didn't intend on getting into a long deep conversation because, for one. I had no breath and two, I went to prayer for distraction and strength. Let me explain that just a little, not just distraction but I know my relationship with God well enough that once I go there... All else passes away and it's just me and Him.

So He was there and we had an impromptu meeting (at least for me, He probably knew I was coming). I started out just thank Him for all of the healing and love He has poured out in my insides and that now I was updating the temple on the outside and only by Him could I accomplish such a work. Then I began reflecting on my time in the Karns HS office and praying for students that I saw but did not know. Then... The rain began to fall. God began to speak to me and ask me questions... What about THIS generation? Was I raising a child to blend in or stand out? Would my child be known as one of the "lost" generation? And on that note... Do they know that they are building a legacy as the Lost ones? Do they care? Do they know that they have the choice to leave their mark on the world or let the world leave it's mark on them? Do they know how valuable they are. Why are they so lost? Who will tell them? Who will lead them and how can we change the future our children are heading for?

Now with all of that poured out and me still trying to hold it all together, remember I am in a gym on a running machine with tons of people around that probably don't know that I am not crying out of workout pain but pain of the heart. I didn't have any way to write it down or record it so I called my husband's cell and left a message, then I called again and he answered so I dictated a little of it to Him. I just knew that this was too much responsibility for me to just HOPE I remember, so I did what I could at the time. I have been processing for the last day or two and know that God is doing a work and it's not just in me. He is laying this on us so... There it is. I am sorry I don't have the answers but somehow I know that God has the answers in us and we will have to seek Him and search our hearts to find the answers and lead this generation in the way God leads us. I think part of what He was saying was... Don't give up.

My first assignment...

OK, this is my first assignment from my online writing group... It's so scary but I thought I'd share it with you too. Feel free to let me know what you think (good or bad)... That way I can grow as a writer.
Oh, the assignment? 500 words of description.

She was nothing like I had thought she might be. She stood about medium height with just a little hunch in her spine from age but, somehow it was distinguishing and added to her beauty. She had the most comforting smile: genuine and warm, not over doing it, just enough to put your guard at ease.

I had finally spotted her, she was across the room, laughing with a friend. I could not hear what they were saying but it was obviously a conversation shared between good friends. Her laugh floated over the room, it was so feminine and sweet, her eyes danced as she leaned back ever so slightly as if she might fall over from laughing so hard. It was surly an overflowing of pure joy.

She had perfectly styled hair of white, short and neat but not matronly a bit hip for her generation. Her blue eyes held an eternal flame of hope and love that just poured comfort over you if you caught her glance.

She donned a beautifully tailored suit of blue, prim and proper with a white laced trimmed silk shirt underneath, black shoes and beautiful accessories that made it all come together. Elegant is just part of ho she is.

As I walked across the room to meet her, it seemed as if my mind raced about her for hours, in just those few steps. I was nervous, as if she could see right through me but, with on glance, my nerves were stilled. She spoke to me in the most gentle but deliberate voice, one of strength and confidence.

She was much more mature than I but, she had a peace that I did not know, yet I longed for. As I got to know her more and more, my first impressions faded and the beauty I had thought about her was magnified. she is someone that I dearly love and cherish, She is my friend, Maynelle.

Oh, how I almost immediately envied her. She had grace, gentleness, respect and a confidence that was humble but true. And... she has a way of making you the most important thing to her at that moment, you feel like you have been heard and validated every time you talk with her.

As I have been privileged enough to continue to get to know her, I have found that all of those wonderful and endearing qualities I had assumed about her at our first meeting were not only true but also authentic. She is someone I want to learn from and learn I am. Since that first day of meeting, we have committed to meeting every week to talk and pray together.

Oh, that’s another thing to hear her pray. She talks with God in such a humble and honoring way, you know she is vastly familiar with whom she speaks. She encourages with scripture so you know that it’s not just her that supports you and believes in you, she leads you to God for the ultimate form of encouragement.

She is burdened for the broken and hurting and she is a warrior on their behalf. If she says she will be praying for you,… watch out something big is bound to happen. She is goodness, grace, and unconditional love, merciful, compassionate and strong. She is someone worhy of our attention to her example.

Now, as she begins to feel the symptoms of her age she feels and knows that her heart is able and willing but her body is becoming weaker and unable to keep up with her heart. She is frustrated and struggles with where she fits in now. She doesn't see that she is still everything that she always has been, but now, it is her time to receive from those who love her. Will she be able to accept the blessing?

Tempatation and the (not so) secret sin

I have this adversion to buying and doing what I say I will, when I say I will, and it is an area that has nearly destroyed my marriage in the past. I have many excuses about why I am like that and why I do the things that I do but when it comes down to it... I am deceived. Over the 16 years that I have been married, I have grown and improved in many areas including my thought patterns when it comes to money.

So, why the blog... because there is still something wrong, a glitch in my belief system, an unwillingness of my heart to change what needs to be changed. Oooh, that's kind of ugly, isn't it. I really dislike finding out that I am unwilling, usually... I am the last to figure it out. I have allot of "issues" and have been willing to change in most and, if not right away, then shortly after. Why is this particular issue so hard for me to give up? I know control is in the mix, rebellion, emotional spending and habit. So about everything I know of that causes problems is in the mix.

This isn't a new revelation I have been working on this since I realized that I was wrong and everyone else really WAS right. Again, what am I not doing? Well, for starters I don't ask God before I make a purchase, nor do I pray about my purchases before I set out to make them and, if I begin to feel conviction... I rationalize it out until the conviction goes and I get my way (so to speak). There is a "rush" that I get when I am angry, hurt or upset and I numb that by spending, regardless of who it hurts (usually me in the end).

So, what can I do to make the comfort of keeping this sin more uncomfortable than making the change to healthy stewardship? Well, first I can bring God into the picture, ask for forgiveness, repent and sacrifice my fleshly wants for what I know God wants me to do. Oh, that is so easy, I'm cured... NOT! The reason I am writing this is because I want to make it known that sometimes we have a lifetime of battles, a thorn in our side, something that FEELs bigger than us. However, little by little, battle by battle... I find (we find) that it IS bigger than us but, not Christ in us (that's how the war is won). I have to be obedient to God and in this area I am not. It all boils down to willingness... am I willing to let go of the "rush" and take hold of victory in Christ? I am not sure what the change will be but, am I honestly willing to trust Him and find out?

Midnight Ramblings

why do we wait to say things to people until we think it's the right time? Like, why wait until I sense my child is struggling to ask how they are? Or what about loving our friends... why wait to say what we feel until the "right" time or an appropriate time. Or even telling our spouse what is so special about them or reminding them of why we chose them and would again? Why do we wait? In a society that is so instant with microwaves, DVDs and cell phones what makes us wait for the important things?
I have a theory about why I wait. I think I wait to get down and gushy because I have to be vulnerable. I have to put myself out there where I can get hurt. Somewhere down the line I heard that saying your feelings for someone just ends up in hurt... Dad's, boys, friends and so on.
What a lie I have believed and what a blessing I have been cheated out of. For a long time I didn't commit my whole self to my husband because of fear that he would eventually leave. I have had many close friendships that have ended prematurely because I could not handle the change in relationship either by moving, illness or growth. I already know that I do not take well to change but I never knew the extent of it until I looked back at my family and friends. Where have all my good friends gone?
Well, I am trying something new, I will no longer hold my tongue out of fear and I will speak what God leads me to and not worry about the "IF's". I am tired of losing my relationships because of piddily little things.

My goodness, Jesus kept friends, He valued his relationships and He never refused love out of fear.

again, I struggle. I struggle to maintain my freedom of thought when I am faced with major adversity, life changes or the possibility of being left behind. Really it's the latter, I can feel myself pull away when I am needed most in my relationships. I can't stand the feeling that comes when someone is moving away, ill or in any way "abandoning" me.
That is a huge word for me, abandonment, but God is teaching me so much about it. I am learning that sometimes... it's just not all about me and what I need. I am learning to reach out when I want to run and to have hope when I don't. I am learning to love when I can and for how long I can and what may come... so be it, I will no longer let satan scheme me out of deeper relationships because of fear. I know now what pits await me as I continue on the journey (instead of running away) and now I can find my freedom as long as I remember who is the victor and who is already defeated!
Thank you God for (again) reminding me who You are and who I am not and how to love without limits or fear. I praise You and worship You for You alone are worthy. You are my all in All. AMEN

Have you ever heard the quote...

"then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"- Anais Nin

Well, that is so much the story of my life. for so long I lived bound by fear, grasping for some sense of control and devastated by pain. In fact, I chose it for a long time, even after I began to see how I was living I was too scared to change (I believed that it was impossible, I was too broken). I saw the fault of my belief system and still was terrified that if I changed that it might get worse so I settled for the torn life and the broken heart that I tried so desperately to hide inside.
That life was so defeating and horrible, until someone, that saw in me the potential of the beautiful blossom said to me, "when (not if), when you take down that wall I can't wait to see the beauty that lies on the other side." Now, that statement alone made it into my heart but, it was not until I began to see who I was that a change began to take place. It wasn't who I was, not in and of myself, but Christ in me. The loneliness was soon halted, the pain began to heal and I began to have hope that there really was more to this life than hurt, pain and disappointment.
So, from the time I can first remember, I knew there were things that I was better off not doing or saying to keep the peace. I can say that from my young childhood through my twenty's (maybe even my early thirties) I was more comfortable tight in a bud than letting go and becoming the beautiful blossom God created in me. I still struggle (often) the difference? I am willing to grow. satan has no power over me anymore and I am free to live from the heart God intended for me to live from. Does that make me perfect or without sin? NOPE! just willing, aware and ready to be humbly and mercifully refined.
Thank you Jesus, for loving me first and always leading me to change and grow.

Father creator, Master designer - I come before you humbly and of pure heart. Father, you are the only one that can grant grace, grant forgiveness and reconciled all things. I ask that, as I pray, if there is a stumbling block that will keep me from entering into pure and holy conversation with you that you would reveal that to me.

Father, there is so much that you are moving in that I am spinning with excitement. You are the perfect one, the only One and the ultimate beginning to all things. Everything should begin on your word, your leadership and in your ways.

Father, you have a child named Donald. You have chosen him to go into the world and share your heart with others. I suspect that this is a wonderful place but comes with some fear and some times of stretching beyond what we might choose or want. I pray for wisdom so he can discern your ways and keep on that journey that You are laying before him without distraction.

Father, I pray that as you have already prepared the way, that you continue to protect him from the schemes of satan.
I pray for strength and healing in the depths of his soul with every word He sings. I pray for him to have boldness, for Your glory to be displayed and him to do so as You would have him do (all glory and honor to You for You are worthy, thank you for the work of Your hands). Open his eyes Father, bless him abundantly and assure him in times of fear. Send him reminders of how deep and wide your love is and that You are willing and You are able to accomplish anything You ask of him. Let him know and feel how much you believe in who You have made him and that You know he is strong enough to live in victory. You have already created the way, all we have to do is believe and step out. You have done it! Renew him and let him soar in the spirit that you so willingly pour out on you children.

As the time comes for travel, I ask that you would surround the car with the hedge of protection, let their eyes see only your perspective and not look to the right or to the left, keep them close and in the safety of Your hands, As they go out, shelter the ones they leave behind,bless them and keep them safe.

Father, you are perfect in your ways... There is no better time, no need for more preparation and no room for doubt. God, to you be all the glory and may your works be displayed for all to see and let it be done in worship of you.

I am in awe of your constant care and endless flowing love, Thank you. With all that is within me I praise you for you are the holy God, my Abba.

In the most precious name of Jesus I pray, Amen

For Judy,.

A Mother's Love

A mother's love does not exist in a physical laugh or cry
nor does a mother's love ever fall away or die.
Time may pass
and life's journey may move on
but, a mother's love continues like the coming of a new dawn.

So in those times of solitude, hurt or despair
there is no need to go looking for it is always there.
A mother's love will continue to grow and live on,
long after this life is all but gone.

her love is in the peace you are able to give,
the morals she taught,
the smile you inherited and the lessons you fought.

She lives on and spreads her love deep and wide
throughout the generations with her example as our guide

So, as we prepare to say good-bye for just now,
we struggle to go on and may wonder how?

Just remember....

A mother's love does not exist in a physical laugh or cry
nor does a mother's love ever fall away or die.
Time may pass
and life's journey may move on
but, a mother's love continues like the coming of a new dawn.

I don't know why I get caught up in thinking that I have to have things all figured out to take them to God in prayer. You know, having all the words or knowing how to pray? I fall so short in my prayer life when I am confused or faced with an obstacle that I can't figure out. Or even more so, if I am hurt. I know that when I am hurt about something I close up and shut down, usually my words are "I am done". So, after all of the head knowledge that I have and believe wholly and the written truth why is my heart so slow or unwilling to prayerfully respond in times like these?
Like last week, I went through a time of deep depression. I was not sure exactly why I was sinking but it was clear to me, that something was not right and I couldn't help it. Did I pray through it? Nope, I tried to no avail to wade through it myself knowing that prayer was the answer but not going that route. I spent about 5 days wallowing in whatever it was until I looked around and saw what I was doing... God is always faithful to send me reminders and I finally grasped at one and started out of the pit. All I had to do was talk it out with God, I KNEW He was the answer but I just can't figure out why I did not go to Him first. Maybe I wanted to wallow? Maybe it was more comfortable than working it out... I don't know the exact answer yet but by God's grace and faithfulness... I am out off the pit (again) :)

My answer lies in Psalm 71:14 - 14 But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

So, I praise in all things, when I know and when I don't. It's not a new word... it's not profound but it is the way out of hopelessness.

A Simple Manger

A Simple Manger

Since the beginning of time God has provided all of our needs,
He created a way to Him despite our selfish and sinful deeds.

A girl He chose innocent and pure,
a calling that held a world for her to endure.
He chose her knowing that she would be true,
she would bare he Messiah, no matter what she might lose.

She rejoiced and sang to the one and only Lord,
Not once looking back but obediently moving forward.

Joseph was a man with a great mind and much honor,
He took some time to make this decision he thoughtfully pondered.
He thought that he would do what was best,
but found that his spiritual belief would be put to the test.

God sent His angels to prepare the way
for the Holy Messiah's coming birthday.

Time came to travel long and far for the census.
Behold, in the town of Bethlehem, born the Savior, God sent us.

Everyone knew that this was like no other night,
for the star of the North had continuously shone bright.
Shepherds and kings had traveled on long journeys to see,
The baby, the Son of God and all he was here to be.

There were those whose intentions were all be true,
but already the baby Jesus, His prophecy He knew.

A tiny babe sent from God's loving hands
to come down to earth and teach us to take a stand.

Our Savior born in a humble manger stall,
came to wash us clean and to deliver us all.

He was sent to us from God's grace filled heart,
to make a way from His love never to depart.
This awesome gift given with out string from up above,
sent to guide us, lead us and show us God's pure love.

God made sure that there was just one way,
it would stand forever no matter where we might stray.

So if in this season you are finding yourself lost,
go back to the debt... The birth, life and ultimate paid cost.
Think about and remember why God sent His son in the flesh,
to renew us, love us, so we can walk with Him washed and refreshed.

He chose us way before it was our time,
to care and strengthen us to walk a fine line.
He gives us absolutely everything we need,
He asks us only to plant a seed.

A seed planted in the heart of those without His love,
A miserable life to live without the hope that is God above.
He calls us and woos us close to His side,
forever with Him we are now able to abide.

Again take a moment to re-live the awesome wonder,
Of the life of Jesus Christ and all that falls under.

Let that voice that tends to grow faint deep inside,
overcome us and teach us never again to hide.

Oh Lord; today please let your glory show,
that through these words all will know.
We will feel your call and the living hope,
that comes day by day as we learn to cope.

Let us see your passion and divine love,
That flows freely from the heavens above.

Show us, make us let us wholly understand,
the gift of life that was sent by your loving hand.
Let us take in, the grace that you showed us that day,
in a tiny baby, a simple manger... Making the way.

El-Shaddai -- The God Who is Sufficient for the Needs of His People!

El-Shaddai -- The God Who is Sufficient for the Needs of His People! Sufficient, meaning: Being as much as is needed. So, God provides exactly what we need, when we need it and how we can receive it. How wonderful is a Father that knows and cares about every intimate detail of our life?

For a long time I thought that God was responsible for my pain. I placed blame on everyone and I felt like since I hurt so bad, I was owed something... I was "due" anything because I endured the constant pain that I did.

Was my pain real? An emphatic Yes! Was God the one who placed it on me? No, I do believe that spiritual growth is accomplished through the struggles and pain that come along with some of life lessons and submission. However, in my case... I was responsible for a great deal of my own pain from my own decisions. I had some things that were naturally against me like; being adopted, adopted again, a volatile home, a mentally ill sibling, abuse and divorce. What most of this stuff said to my heart was: you are unloveable. So I became unloveable, I was bitter, angry and I resented anything pure and good because I did not feel pure or good - I didn't understand it nor did I think that I was capable of it.

How did I answer the lie that I was unloveable... Besides fulfilling that prophecy, I began using mind numbing drugs, seeking attention form guys, being the "badest" girl that I could and living for hurting those that I felt had wronged me. When I look back I almost laugh, I see it now, God drew a line and I never crossed it, not of my own will but His. I had already crossed every line drawn before me but, this one I didn't see nor could I comprehend.

What made me different than the girl who overdosed in 10th grade or the many kids that went to jail, lost their future or did something that they could never undo to themselves or someone else... What's the difference? I don't understand it but it's love. Does God love me more than those others? No, so what is it?

When people say I live because He lives... I KNOW that, not only as fact but, also as God's truth. If it were not for God seeing something in me, knowing that one day I would be used by Him or caring enough to never give up on me.. I would not only be physically dead, I would be lost forever.

Not too long ago, I told my husband that something in me was broken and I couldn't do anything else.. I could not change. I was unable to help myself or save my marriage because I believed this lie. I thought that if anything, anything else came out and I had to speak it, re-live it or talk about it, that I would permanently lose my mind, I would just shut off. I really thought that if I let go and just pulled out the junk, I would be unable to function forever, I would be too broken to fix.

Can you believe that lie? Do not be fooled, satan is just waiting to tell you the mother of all lies and he's good, it will be one that pierces your heart and feels like truth. Maybe you already have some lies in your heart... I am unloveable, I am ugly, too stupid, too fat, too broken? Take a moment and just ask God if there is a lie that needs to be uncovered in your heart. This process was one of the hardest things I ever had to do because I really believed that I was too broken and I would never be able to hold it all together.

Guess what? El-Shaddai -- The God Who is Sufficient for the Needs of His People, SHOWED UP! Little by little with the help of many different people God began to reveal to me that I was not too broken and that I was deceived. He began to shed some light on who He was and how much His love changed everything for me. I began to talk about my hurts, my habits and my (many) hangups. It wasn't easy, in fact it was pretty ugly and at times still is but, I began to see that there really was more to me than my pain. Having hope that there is an end to the pain was what I needed to spark my curiosity. People say that believing in God, accepting Jesus is the end to life... it's''s been an adventure like none I have ever seen or heard of for me. It has been more than just my life, it's a mosaic of: every sister and brother that has called me friend, my family, every class, teacher, every person who has encouraged me, every hand that was extended, every single person that God provided for me to help me heal. God never failed to provide what I needed, when I needed it and how I could receive it. He is faithful!

Is my healing over? Nope, but the difference is that I know who He is better and I trust Him. I know that I have a god-given purpose and those things that broke me... They are now some of my strongest areas of belief. I don't just believe in God, that might be boring but, believing him... Now, that's the journey! He is El-Shaddai: Sufficient for the Needs of His children!

Why do I write stuff like this? Because what God whispered to me in my darkness, I can't do anything but shout from the roof tops. This is my roof top.

All praise and glory unto you God, for you are worthy!

Reflecting on the season and realizing how far I am from that person I want to be is: at the same time defeating and exciting. I am discouraged because I know the only thing holding me back is me BUT I am encouraged and excited because I know, in every part of me I know, that God loves me. He alone is constantly molding and changing me to be more of who He created me to be. If I am not willing to go along peacefully, He makes a way and I still go along... Sometimes it is much harder and a much longer journey and sometimes I don't even know it's happening. What I do know is, He will never stop creating in me a pure heart as long as I am willing to ask.

That covers it all, I once craved and flourished in the darkness of a sinful heart and now I live for a God that can create in me a heart of the purest love I ever imagined... And now I can't live without praising Him.

Thank you God, for the gift of being able to hear my heart. I had shut it out for so long until, You came and spoke hope in and enabled me to hear.
For awhile all I heard were breaks and cracks but, you never planned for that to be all there was for me. The hurt was something I had to live through to fully grasp your love and healing. Now I can hear the beauty of who you are in me and the sound of other broken hearts. I can hear with ears that have been deaf and a heart that has been broken so now I too can proclaim the goodness of my father. Now, I hear the binding up and heartbeat of hope birthed in others as you begin to restore their hearing. Thank you Father for the honor of being a chosen child of the one that is the beginning and end to all, everything, forever... Amen.

Most high Father,
I humbly come before you with a pure heart and praise on my lips.
You alone are holy. Father, I thank you.
I thank you for those thing that hurt me so much I thought I could not take another breath. Because of those things I am stronger, more humble, more understanding, more compassionate, able to forgive and able to love deeper.
I thank you for those times you let me make my own mistakes and didn't save me instantly but let me learn the lessons of life. I thank you because every time I did learn a lesson, you were there to confirm that I was still you child no matter what.
I thank you for each tear that I have cried because without them I would not know that your grace is sufficient.
Thank you for the people you chose to surround me with, that they are all gifted and love me in ways that I need and have grown from.
I thank you that I am forgiven and that Jesus is real and alive in me.
I don't know how to say thank you with words, I don't think there are words enough recorded in all of history to tell you but, I lay my heart before you open and bare for you to search and know that you own this child, I am yours, all of me. Without you and your ways I would be forever lost, let me not ever forget the darkness you snached me from. May I be a light in someone else's path to you as you provided for me.

Driving today I was enjoying the beauty of the world around me and I remembered that the streams of sunlight that bound out from the clouds are my reminder of how mighty you are. Those streams are one of the first ways my children began to know who you are... We would talk about how after the storms God was faithful to give us a showing of his power to overcome by shining through and burning through the grey to shine out the silver lining. I didn't realize it but what a way to see God's glory and pass it on to little minds then in the power of who God is. Thank you God that I can know, that I can see, that I can proclaim and that I can teach my children just who is the sustainer of all things and how to call on Him... May you be glorified in the life of this child and may I be wiling to go and do every time you call me.

In the highest adoration and love of Jesus, Amen

What would have been if I had not chosen life?
I remember so clearly it all cuts through like a knife.

I was so lonely and empty nothing was there
I had been hurt too much to continue to care.
I went about my days like a leaf in the wind
just waiting around for it all to finally come to an end.

I had managed to fake a picture that sold
but on the inside all I felt was bitter and cold.
I set my mind on returning the pain
I tried everything I thought might help but it was all in vain.

Then that night in the crossroads of my life
I heard a voice call to me that there was an end to my strife.
for some reason this voice cut straight through
and to choose life is what I knew I had to do.

you see, I knew I was dying and it would not be long
but within that voice, was the sound of my lifesong.
right then I was given a hope that there was more
It rocked my foundation and shook my core.

I received that night a gift unparalleled in worth
what I heard next was the sound of my soul's rebirth.
In that moment so small, everything changed in me
I caught a glimpse of what it was that I could be.

I was no longer the "slow" one or the "fast" one nor was I the pretty one or the empty one
Now I belonged to the only one, the present one and the unconditionally loving one.
I had hope that the pain would end and love really would conquer all
and I understood that I would have to take down the wall.

I still have a hard time letting my guard down
but now I know that to it I am no longer bound.
Thanks to my king, my Father above
I can do all things with Christ's all encompassing love.

raising hands
thankful heart
worship at its best

tearful joy
pure adoration
worship at its best

entering in
thanking Him
its worship at its best

Romans 8:38-40

38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Doesn't that soothe the soul... No matter what, we are in the only permanent position we will ever hold as believers in Christ Jesus.

You'd think it would all be settled and easy with that known, written in truth and proven to our hearts daily. So why can't I love others like I am called to? What is it in me that I can wrap my arms around a stranger that is dirty, on the streets, capable of whatever... just completely unknown and love them, truly love them, but I can't find that flow of love for some of those close to me?
Why am I unwilling to just let God be that love for them too? What if Jesus had this struggle over loving me?
Okay, I know that history plays a huge part of why and how we react to things but when is the history excuse expired? When is history actually history, forgotten and forgiven? I have had to forgive my abuser and that was very hard but God made it possible and somewhere I became willing and now it is a strength instead of a wound. So, as I am taking you through my thoughts in this I am stumped as to why this is a re-occurring issue for me. Somewhere I am unwilling and rebellious. If I am God's child, I am called to love others, honor others and serve others. Honestly, I feel like blowing a raspberry at some of those that I am called to love. How do I suffocate out the bad with the over abundant flow of great when I am deceived in that area? I can't see the knob to turn the foutain on, I have cut the main line off and am at a loss as to how to restore full capacity in this area. I am truly stumped.
What I know... I won't stay stumped because I know my heart is honest before Him and He is always faithful. I know that this too is a growing pain to be endured and stronger from in the end. God knew I wasn't perfect, He accepted that in me and adores me as His child, therefore He loves me too much for me to be left this way.
I am assured of my permanent position that does not concern me it my carrying on the name that brings me to my knees. I feel so unworthy at times (all the time), I feel like I have no ability to bring honor to God when I have these struggles. Then... God steps in and says (something like...), it's the struggle that honors me, I know your heart and you are willing to grow in me, if there were no struggle... Then, that would be a shame. So, would God rather I come along peacefully and quietly? I bet so, but I believe that as long as I am willing to come along... He is smiling with joy.
Well, so I am still here in this place of confusion and struggle but I have just talked myself through the part that was lonely... now, He goes with me! That was it... I put Him out of the struggle and was trying it on my own... I should know better than that but That was my area of blindness. Now, I see!

What am I learning?

Well, what a loaded question... that is exactly the thing I have been sorting through for the last few months. God has revealed so much goodness over the last year or so as well as some areas of disobedience, blindness and rebellion. He is teaching me to be silent more often. In this, I am seeing more clearly that I can not make decisions for anyone else or try to make them see it my way. I hate to say that I have had a touch of arrogance to think anyone should see anything My way... Instead If I am seeing it God's way I have no pressure, no worries because then I am where I am supposed to be and not dragging anyone down with me when I see MY way is better than God's way..
I am understanding more about lifestyle evangelism and the entirety of that saying. My responsibility is to be God focused, God lead and God fearing. If I am doing this, then I am fulfilling my purpose as God's child.
Sounds like I am getting it pulled together doesn't it? NOPE! I struggle each day to give God the bare minimum of me and some days I fail at that. I could live ashamed but I know that in my heart something is turning and changing. I don't know when it won't be a constant struggle for me to give God my whole days and for him to become my true everything, all the time, no matter what. What I do know is that my goal and my hearts desire is to know him and honor him more.
I am learning discipline and I see how I used to think it was OK that I didn't have it... I usually got me responsibilities done. God is showing me that discipline is something more it is a commitment to follow Him in all things not just what I pick and choose upon how I feel at the time. I don't know if this make a lot of sense to you that may see this but, to me, it is another blind spot being wiped clean to begin to see clearly some truth not there before.
As, for specifically what am I learning from my burden for the inner city? That I don't listen to God's urging nearly enough. That I still feel totally unworthy and ill-equipped to minister to anyone especially those who have already been hurt for a lifetime and struggle daily to survive. However, I do know that I am very well equipped to tell of who saved me from not only a sure physical death at a young age but picked me up and gave me hope. I guess if anyone would ask me what changed that night on that dark road where, for me, life and death came to a crossroads and I had to choose... it was hope (which is something I had learned not to have in anything). Standing there in my pit of mire I felt a glimpse of hope in that voice that called to me and I had to choose hope, I had to see if this was it or if there was more. So in writing this I am learning that I am as well equipped as anyone, because I have a God that took this loveless, hopeless, empty shell and filled it with everything that He planned and knit in me. He showed me that in the mire there was a treasure and it would prove to stay in the test of time... Where did the pit and the mire go? Unfortunately, not far enough for me not to fall into every now and then (sometimes I jump in) but now I have hope to give me a hand out and that's everything to me.