I have many different struggles and I can place a name, blame or excuse on any one of them but the truth of the matter is, it's a heart thing.
Somewhere down the line our hearts heard something dreadfully wrong and it hurt us to the core. We took that hurtful word, situation, judgement, whatever; as truth and that lie was tatooed on our heart. Until that lie is uncovered, God allowed in to heal it and the lie replaced with the truth of God then, we will still have struggles in that area.
It sounds simple but to take something that has been sewn into the very fiber that you believe yourself to be and just change it... no, it's not that easy. You have to first admit that there is something very wrong, ask God to help you bring it into His light (identify it), allow Him to validate you (feel it) and let Him tatoo a new truth in it's place (heal).
Again, it sounds alot easier than it is. I am trying to do this in an area of my life and I find that pride, pain and rebellion are very much my enemy. I know that I have to be 100% responsibile for all of my actions and that... is a large pill to swallow (so to speak). I try to think that I might just want to wallow in the blame game because at least there, I am powerless (so to speak). It's a battle my friends. Not just for me but anyone who lives and breathes, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day it is an ongoing war - just remember, Jesus is ALWAYS an option!
October 24, 2006
Do Not Fret
Psalm 37
- Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; 2 for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. 3 Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: 6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. 7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret- it leads only to evil. 9 For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
so, if someone sets out to hurt you, destroy you, or slander you.... "Do not fret". When the winds of the storm begin to blow what do we do? "Do not fret". When everything seems to come up against us and we can are stonewalled, what do we do? "Do not fret".
Whatever you challenge, God is very clear. Anything but commiting your way to the Lord is wrong and will "only lead to evil". Does this verse say be perfect and God will "make your righteousness shine like the dawn"? Nope, we know that God knows our innermost being so, if He knows what goes on inside that mind of ours then He must be perfectly aware of our shortcommings (to say the least). He knows who you are, who I am and tells us to wait when wrong and evil are brought up against us. He will take care of it. He can punish the deeds much better than we can and if we take on retallatation then what?... "it only leads to evil". It becomes a distraction and builds a wedge between us and God, as much as we are hurt and angered remember this... Hurting people hurt others. Try compassion over anger and prayer over wrath, these are the ways of the Lord.
- Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of those who do wrong; 2 for like the grass they will soon wither, like green plants they will soon die away. 3 Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. 4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: 6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. 7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret- it leads only to evil. 9 For evil men will be cut off, but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.
so, if someone sets out to hurt you, destroy you, or slander you.... "Do not fret". When the winds of the storm begin to blow what do we do? "Do not fret". When everything seems to come up against us and we can are stonewalled, what do we do? "Do not fret".
Whatever you challenge, God is very clear. Anything but commiting your way to the Lord is wrong and will "only lead to evil". Does this verse say be perfect and God will "make your righteousness shine like the dawn"? Nope, we know that God knows our innermost being so, if He knows what goes on inside that mind of ours then He must be perfectly aware of our shortcommings (to say the least). He knows who you are, who I am and tells us to wait when wrong and evil are brought up against us. He will take care of it. He can punish the deeds much better than we can and if we take on retallatation then what?... "it only leads to evil". It becomes a distraction and builds a wedge between us and God, as much as we are hurt and angered remember this... Hurting people hurt others. Try compassion over anger and prayer over wrath, these are the ways of the Lord.
October 22, 2006
a child of the King
In the story of Tamar's tragic life there are many lessons to learn from and incorporate into our own lives but today one stands alone....
As Tamar was shoved out the door of her brothers house, the raw emotions set in and in that moment her grief over took her and she was lost. She tore her robe that distinguished her title and worth and shed everything she knew (the lies set in). She went on to be virtually ignored by her father and never validated by anyone, she was basically banished from the life she once .
I just wonder? were there people outside to hear and see her despair? When she shed her robe, did someone see and have compassion for her? Did people have to step over her torn robe along their way? Did dust settle on the robe from the feet of many that passed by and never gave it a second thought? What about that...
Dear Father in heaven, Thank you that you will never be a passer-by. You will always come to our rescue and you will never do: nothing. You will always care for and protect your children and you will never abandon us ever, no matter what. Thank You.
I ask Father that you teach me, call me and guide me to never cast dust on a torn robe that lies in my path. May I always see past the events of my own life into others. Please use me in whatever way you choose, I am yours and I know who that makes me forever... I am and will always be a child of the King!
As Tamar was shoved out the door of her brothers house, the raw emotions set in and in that moment her grief over took her and she was lost. She tore her robe that distinguished her title and worth and shed everything she knew (the lies set in). She went on to be virtually ignored by her father and never validated by anyone, she was basically banished from the life she once .
I just wonder? were there people outside to hear and see her despair? When she shed her robe, did someone see and have compassion for her? Did people have to step over her torn robe along their way? Did dust settle on the robe from the feet of many that passed by and never gave it a second thought? What about that...
Dear Father in heaven, Thank you that you will never be a passer-by. You will always come to our rescue and you will never do: nothing. You will always care for and protect your children and you will never abandon us ever, no matter what. Thank You.
I ask Father that you teach me, call me and guide me to never cast dust on a torn robe that lies in my path. May I always see past the events of my own life into others. Please use me in whatever way you choose, I am yours and I know who that makes me forever... I am and will always be a child of the King!
October 21, 2006
reconcilling more than a year
looking back over the past year and realizing that again, another year is slipping away. I am forced to deal and work out all of those financial issues that I have let go. Like making sure everything is in check and ready to close out, that it is all in order for future reference, tying up loose ends and reconciling the years profit and losses. I am not a financially minded person but this is what I imagine has to happen in preparation for the next year to make sure it is not all jumbled in with the coming new year.
Well, of course, I just ran with this. If we are so meticulous with our money, why can't we reconcile our year emotionally too? Why don't we deal with, work out, clean up and tie up all the loose ends so we don't just carry them over and over and over year after year? God has great plans for us, each of us individually, and if we are all tied up in the past how can we embrace the future? You have to let go of one thing to take hold of another, if not you split your time, focus and attention. Nothing is going to be as magnificent or as profitable if you don't give it you full attention. Quit splitting and start giving life your very best.
So, how about this year when the year begins to draw to a close... you reconcile more than just your bank book?
Well, of course, I just ran with this. If we are so meticulous with our money, why can't we reconcile our year emotionally too? Why don't we deal with, work out, clean up and tie up all the loose ends so we don't just carry them over and over and over year after year? God has great plans for us, each of us individually, and if we are all tied up in the past how can we embrace the future? You have to let go of one thing to take hold of another, if not you split your time, focus and attention. Nothing is going to be as magnificent or as profitable if you don't give it you full attention. Quit splitting and start giving life your very best.
So, how about this year when the year begins to draw to a close... you reconcile more than just your bank book?
October 19, 2006
Peter walked on water too
Do you know the story? Exhausted and worn down Jesus sent the 12 diciples onto the lake for rest from the multitude. Jesus stayed and told the people to return home and then, after everyone had gone, he fled for solitude up to the moutains to pray alone. When he came down the boat was already out too far and the winds made it nearly impossible for them to return to pick Jesus up. So, Jesus set out on foot to walk across the water to get to the boat.... as you and I can imagine, surely there was complete silence and awe as they watched their friend, mentor and soon tyo be Savoir come closer and closer doing the unthinkable. More than that, they called to Jesus and Jesus invited them to get out of the boat and come to him. No one dared EXCEPT Peter. Petrer kept his eyes and focus on Jesus and he walked on the water. Only when he felt overwhelmed and took his eyes and focus off Jesus did he begin to sink. Even in his doubt, Jesus held out his hand and kept him afloat.
This story is just so amazing to me, not just in the miricle itself but the challenge: Jesus knew that they were able He didn't need proof but He challenged them to believe in what He already knew to be true.
You know what, I could tell you much more about what this story says to my heart but I want to ask you... what is God asking you to believe, what challenge is He asking you to meet?
This story is just so amazing to me, not just in the miricle itself but the challenge: Jesus knew that they were able He didn't need proof but He challenged them to believe in what He already knew to be true.
You know what, I could tell you much more about what this story says to my heart but I want to ask you... what is God asking you to believe, what challenge is He asking you to meet?
October 16, 2006
taking a chance
I guess it all really comes down to the question... am I going to take a chance? Call it what you want but everything comes down to a choice, will I trust? Is God really there for me? Is this job going to be right? The possibilities are endless, the ultimate nitty-gritty is... am I going to take a chance. It is repetitive isn't it? Well, it is a huge question with need for great thought.
In thinking about this I see many times in the past that I have said no, I won't take that chance and come back later to find that the chance was gone and the time had passed. Let's break it down, how do we make a decision? I usually am faced with a situation and respond emotionally, then common sense sets in. I usually take the big ones to God and check with Him and sometimes I get an immediate response and other times... I get silence. I am not really good with silence, that's usually when I get in the most trouble is when I am trying to fill the silence. Anyway, from there I try to make the best INFORMED decision that I can and stick to it. I have learned recently that it helps to plan ahead. I make up my mind as to my goal and then every response from then on is based on if that decision will take me closer to or farther away from my set goal. I find my chances are fewer and I tend to take more of them because it cuts down so much of the unnecessary blah blah that tends to steal my focus (which I have to say is extremely easy).
So, tonight I was just thinking about what and how I tend to function - good, bad and different - (I was told today that I needed to get my ducks in a row and that I could do it even if my row didn't look like the others). Even though it was a light-hearted statement (true as it is) it was a gentle whisper to my soul... "it's Ok, you are different but I made you that way". It used to be my biggest fear that I was different, weird or that I would not fit in but now God has turned that fear into thanks. I am thankful That my Father made me different, that I can see things the way I do and that the gifts and talents He has given me are mine alone. I also find such joy in exploring those things in others, it's a true blessing to uncover or benefit from God's grace in and through His work in other people. Instead of asking myself, I am going to take this chances, as negative, if you can just change your perspective those "chances" can be unexpected presents for you on your journey.
In thinking about this I see many times in the past that I have said no, I won't take that chance and come back later to find that the chance was gone and the time had passed. Let's break it down, how do we make a decision? I usually am faced with a situation and respond emotionally, then common sense sets in. I usually take the big ones to God and check with Him and sometimes I get an immediate response and other times... I get silence. I am not really good with silence, that's usually when I get in the most trouble is when I am trying to fill the silence. Anyway, from there I try to make the best INFORMED decision that I can and stick to it. I have learned recently that it helps to plan ahead. I make up my mind as to my goal and then every response from then on is based on if that decision will take me closer to or farther away from my set goal. I find my chances are fewer and I tend to take more of them because it cuts down so much of the unnecessary blah blah that tends to steal my focus (which I have to say is extremely easy).
So, tonight I was just thinking about what and how I tend to function - good, bad and different - (I was told today that I needed to get my ducks in a row and that I could do it even if my row didn't look like the others). Even though it was a light-hearted statement (true as it is) it was a gentle whisper to my soul... "it's Ok, you are different but I made you that way". It used to be my biggest fear that I was different, weird or that I would not fit in but now God has turned that fear into thanks. I am thankful That my Father made me different, that I can see things the way I do and that the gifts and talents He has given me are mine alone. I also find such joy in exploring those things in others, it's a true blessing to uncover or benefit from God's grace in and through His work in other people. Instead of asking myself, I am going to take this chances, as negative, if you can just change your perspective those "chances" can be unexpected presents for you on your journey.
October 08, 2006
Created for more...
Eph. 2:10 reads:
"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, for which God prepared in advance for us to do".
This verse says that we, each child, God Breathed, and alive, are created to do great things. Have you ever looked around a room full of people wanting to stand up and just say your thoughts only to be almost glued to your seat in fear? What kept you in your seat? I find that way too often, I let that little but, all too often, very loud voice run over my God-given voice. Like writing, how long have I struggled with just doing what I love without the whole worth/deserving thing going on in my head? Please, I am the biggest wimp when it comes to being who I am. I am terrified that it won't be good enough, I won't be accepted or I might be "weird". Just so you know, I am weird. I say random things, speak when I should have kept my mouth shut and I say about everything that comes to mind. However, you know what that makes me? An individual. I am a one of a kind child of God that struggles to find and stay with Him all day in this non-God focused world.
Each of us is made for good works that he has prepared in advance for us.... that means that God has planted a vision in you and in me. He has set a vision for us as individuals, why do we spend out energy constantly searching for our purpose when it's all right here? God created us for His purpose a purpose that He chiseled out and set deep within each of us.
IF we lived as His children, truly seeking Him breath by breath, I am convinced that we would know and fulfill our good works much faster. God says, not only has he planned out our purpose in advance but His plans for us are for hope and a future not for harm.
We wonder why we have so many lost generations wandering about life feeling that we are made for more but convinced that we don't have what it takes to achieve it. There is a very real enemy out there and His agenda is to steal our purpose. We can be robbed blind in confusion, fear, unforgiveness, bitterness, disbelief, pride, hate, and the list can just run on and on...God's word is true my friends and we need to know it, live it and share it. So, next time that little voice creeps in, defy it and stand up for Jesus and be not ashamed of what Good deeds God has planned for you... it's not for them... it's all for God's glory!
"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, for which God prepared in advance for us to do".
This verse says that we, each child, God Breathed, and alive, are created to do great things. Have you ever looked around a room full of people wanting to stand up and just say your thoughts only to be almost glued to your seat in fear? What kept you in your seat? I find that way too often, I let that little but, all too often, very loud voice run over my God-given voice. Like writing, how long have I struggled with just doing what I love without the whole worth/deserving thing going on in my head? Please, I am the biggest wimp when it comes to being who I am. I am terrified that it won't be good enough, I won't be accepted or I might be "weird". Just so you know, I am weird. I say random things, speak when I should have kept my mouth shut and I say about everything that comes to mind. However, you know what that makes me? An individual. I am a one of a kind child of God that struggles to find and stay with Him all day in this non-God focused world.
Each of us is made for good works that he has prepared in advance for us.... that means that God has planted a vision in you and in me. He has set a vision for us as individuals, why do we spend out energy constantly searching for our purpose when it's all right here? God created us for His purpose a purpose that He chiseled out and set deep within each of us.
IF we lived as His children, truly seeking Him breath by breath, I am convinced that we would know and fulfill our good works much faster. God says, not only has he planned out our purpose in advance but His plans for us are for hope and a future not for harm.
We wonder why we have so many lost generations wandering about life feeling that we are made for more but convinced that we don't have what it takes to achieve it. There is a very real enemy out there and His agenda is to steal our purpose. We can be robbed blind in confusion, fear, unforgiveness, bitterness, disbelief, pride, hate, and the list can just run on and on...God's word is true my friends and we need to know it, live it and share it. So, next time that little voice creeps in, defy it and stand up for Jesus and be not ashamed of what Good deeds God has planned for you... it's not for them... it's all for God's glory!
October 02, 2006
thinking of you... and me
I step out and I over think it, I just know I am gonna sink.
In my heart God rings clear, "be still child, Do not fear"
with every breath my head is spinning, is this really a new beginning?
Can I change enough to make it? Or am I going to juggle and fake it.
So many people can do it and still be free, what's so different about me?
I can't remember the horror of why I left it's there inside but deeply kept.
Was it as bad as I first thought, or into all of the hype have I bought?
I am so confused and unsteady... I am terrified that I am not ready.
Then as I sit spiraling down in despair,
in the depths of my pit I found God there.
He said He knew of all I feared,
His everlasting love was now on my heart seared.
He said, "stay close my child, do not run ahead in haste".
This path is narrow and we have no time to waste".
"If you follow close then you will see,
you are never alone it's always you and Me".
"I Am. for the present, future and your past.
Your pain and suffering shall not last"
"Yes, I was there every single day,
you chose to spend living in a purple haze"
I have waited for you and provided all you would accept,
my love for you is forever kept.
You my child, have sewn some seed,
but now is the time to hear and to heed.
I am here forever never to move,
always for comfort, love and to soothe.
I am but a call in distance,
but you have to give up all resistance.
Take rest child and see... all I want is for you to be free.
All of those things that you thought before,
left you hurt, bound up and your mind in an uproar.
Those things you miss,
tied you tight... and soon you gave up the fight.
Now, before you is a narrow path indeed,
lined with the fruit of MY seed.
The path may be narrow but the choices are not few,
for I know the plans that I have for you.
You my child are a very special kind
made with the hands of the most high and divine.
For I chose you long before you were born,
and not for a life where you will just mourn.
I chose you, equipping, refining, leading, and teaching you to be a warrior.
You my child, I created for so much more.
It's time to rise up and take a step out,
take a stand and test my strength out.
I am here and as long as you remain,
your battles will not be fought in vain.
That's the difference between this time and before,
now you have chosen and open the door...
It's no longer just you in this fiery fight, it's you in me and there is no comparing to our might.
The war is won and the end is foretold, but we still must fight for The streets of Gold.
All God's creation shall one day bend a knee, and you my child will be there to see.
In my heart God rings clear, "be still child, Do not fear"
with every breath my head is spinning, is this really a new beginning?
Can I change enough to make it? Or am I going to juggle and fake it.
So many people can do it and still be free, what's so different about me?
I can't remember the horror of why I left it's there inside but deeply kept.
Was it as bad as I first thought, or into all of the hype have I bought?
I am so confused and unsteady... I am terrified that I am not ready.
Then as I sit spiraling down in despair,
in the depths of my pit I found God there.
He said He knew of all I feared,
His everlasting love was now on my heart seared.
He said, "stay close my child, do not run ahead in haste".
This path is narrow and we have no time to waste".
"If you follow close then you will see,
you are never alone it's always you and Me".
"I Am. for the present, future and your past.
Your pain and suffering shall not last"
"Yes, I was there every single day,
you chose to spend living in a purple haze"
I have waited for you and provided all you would accept,
my love for you is forever kept.
You my child, have sewn some seed,
but now is the time to hear and to heed.
I am here forever never to move,
always for comfort, love and to soothe.
I am but a call in distance,
but you have to give up all resistance.
Take rest child and see... all I want is for you to be free.
All of those things that you thought before,
left you hurt, bound up and your mind in an uproar.
Those things you miss,
tied you tight... and soon you gave up the fight.
Now, before you is a narrow path indeed,
lined with the fruit of MY seed.
The path may be narrow but the choices are not few,
for I know the plans that I have for you.
You my child are a very special kind
made with the hands of the most high and divine.
For I chose you long before you were born,
and not for a life where you will just mourn.
I chose you, equipping, refining, leading, and teaching you to be a warrior.
You my child, I created for so much more.
It's time to rise up and take a step out,
take a stand and test my strength out.
I am here and as long as you remain,
your battles will not be fought in vain.
That's the difference between this time and before,
now you have chosen and open the door...
It's no longer just you in this fiery fight, it's you in me and there is no comparing to our might.
The war is won and the end is foretold, but we still must fight for The streets of Gold.
All God's creation shall one day bend a knee, and you my child will be there to see.
September 16, 2006
In My Stillness
As I sat and began to quiet myself, I struggled to stop my mind from reeling. My thoughts kept going to the tasks of my day, what I had done, how I had done things and pouring over all that I left to do in the little day I had left. Be still, I thought to myself. My mind would not yield so I began to pray:
"God you are to me the very breath I need. You are my redeemer, provider, rescuer, Father, lover of my soul, the Alpha and Omega, my healer, sustainer and my strength."
I just began to praise Him then, I asked for quiet and told him that I wanted to honor Him with my stillness. I prayed that any deceiving spirits would be bound and cast out so my focus could be solely on God. So, I sat down and offered God my silence and my stillness. (for any of you that know me... that is hard to imagine, I rarely ever close my mouth especially for an extended period of time). Every time my mind would begin to wander, I just uttered the name of God.
In my stillness I heard Him speak to me. It was as clear as a midnight sky. It wasn't audible but spoken to my very spirit. He said, Do NOT LOSE HOPE.
He reminded me that hope isn't just a feeling that we have that a time or situation will get better but the Hope of God's coming glory. It's so much bigger than a feeling it's the innate knowledge that something else is in control of the big picture.
I began to dwell on what I was hearing and I wondered, have you ever been hopeless?
I have, and it bread in me a: loneliness, shame, isolation, self-pity, hurt and the feeling of worthlessness. Without hope I had no faith that things could get better and without faith I had no strength to fight the fight and without fight I had lost the battle which sent me into a cycle of nothing good. So, God reminded me to not forget His hope. To me, where I have been... this is exactly what I needed to hear.
He is ALWAYS faithful to give us exactly what we need. Thank you Jesus for your unconditional, ever present, and unchangeable love.
"God you are to me the very breath I need. You are my redeemer, provider, rescuer, Father, lover of my soul, the Alpha and Omega, my healer, sustainer and my strength."
I just began to praise Him then, I asked for quiet and told him that I wanted to honor Him with my stillness. I prayed that any deceiving spirits would be bound and cast out so my focus could be solely on God. So, I sat down and offered God my silence and my stillness. (for any of you that know me... that is hard to imagine, I rarely ever close my mouth especially for an extended period of time). Every time my mind would begin to wander, I just uttered the name of God.
In my stillness I heard Him speak to me. It was as clear as a midnight sky. It wasn't audible but spoken to my very spirit. He said, Do NOT LOSE HOPE.
He reminded me that hope isn't just a feeling that we have that a time or situation will get better but the Hope of God's coming glory. It's so much bigger than a feeling it's the innate knowledge that something else is in control of the big picture.
I began to dwell on what I was hearing and I wondered, have you ever been hopeless?
I have, and it bread in me a: loneliness, shame, isolation, self-pity, hurt and the feeling of worthlessness. Without hope I had no faith that things could get better and without faith I had no strength to fight the fight and without fight I had lost the battle which sent me into a cycle of nothing good. So, God reminded me to not forget His hope. To me, where I have been... this is exactly what I needed to hear.
He is ALWAYS faithful to give us exactly what we need. Thank you Jesus for your unconditional, ever present, and unchangeable love.
August 22, 2006
School Fears
Well, just a short blurb that goes to show just how i can get off the focus of the day... I have been, pretty consistently, pushing this thought to the back of my mind. So, instead of ignoring it, I am bringing it to the light... I don't know if i can handle the fact that next year, Eli will enter kindergarten and Zach, well Zach will be a Senior in high school.
Overwhelmed is an understatement. My oldest will be preparing to fly on his own and my youngest... it will mark the end of the days we can just stay home and cuddle all morning watching cartoons, singing silly songs and reading books in bed at lunch time. Not only for E and I but for me... forever. A change of season is close on the horizon and I am not ready.
God,
you know my heart and my inner most thoughts and fears so, you already know that I am a bit wobbly on the inside. You also know that I tend to focus on anything but what hurts. So God as I begin on this journey I pray that you and I find a closer place of meeting, that as you grow me and stretch me I may come through this transition knowing you more.
I thank you Father for being a God that stays with us through the whine, the anger, the pity, the rebellion and the joy of coming around. You may not agree or will us to take the long road but you are a loving and patient God that is willing if we are willing.
Thank you for blessing me beyond what I could imagine.
In the most precious name of Jesus I pray, AMEN
Overwhelmed is an understatement. My oldest will be preparing to fly on his own and my youngest... it will mark the end of the days we can just stay home and cuddle all morning watching cartoons, singing silly songs and reading books in bed at lunch time. Not only for E and I but for me... forever. A change of season is close on the horizon and I am not ready.
God,
you know my heart and my inner most thoughts and fears so, you already know that I am a bit wobbly on the inside. You also know that I tend to focus on anything but what hurts. So God as I begin on this journey I pray that you and I find a closer place of meeting, that as you grow me and stretch me I may come through this transition knowing you more.
I thank you Father for being a God that stays with us through the whine, the anger, the pity, the rebellion and the joy of coming around. You may not agree or will us to take the long road but you are a loving and patient God that is willing if we are willing.
Thank you for blessing me beyond what I could imagine.
In the most precious name of Jesus I pray, AMEN
just being OK
I have been burdened lately by my excessive need for more. A new house, a new car, new furniture, a beautifully landscaped yard (not by me) and a maid. These are just some of the things that cross my mind in my daydreams. These are just the thoughts that effect me, I could think about all of the opportunities available to my children things they could benefit from and struggle with over booking them too.
How do I get so discontent?
I believe that my discontentment comes from my perspective (or my focus). I think when I concentrate on the things I do not have it really effects the things that I am blessed with. Considering my past and the fact that I never dreamed of a future because I didn't think I would have one, makes it all the worse. I do stand with my last blog that this is a society of ADD and ADHD handicapped peoples. I don't think you have to be diagnosed with it to struggle with it. My understanding is that basically it's the inability to maintain focus or composure in a public or private environment. There is a difference in suffering with this very real condition and the manner in which I am using the terms (loosely to make an observation).
So, back to my struggle. I knowingly suffer with the effects of ADD when it comes to keeping my focus even when its not fun. What do I do about keeping my perspective? So far God has been very faithful to gently remind me of my many blessings, and the fact that I have done nothing to earn them He just loves me and wants me to be happy.
I don't know how to walk that fine line between my hopes and dreams and coveting something that I don't have. I do know that if I am starting my day in the Word of God, staying in touch with my Father throughout the day and making decisions based on His leading then... this wouldn't even be a blog, much less a struggle. So see, it is all in my perspective and what I choose to focus on. today I was just thinking and all of this was to say that today... I am OK with being just OK.
How do I get so discontent?
I believe that my discontentment comes from my perspective (or my focus). I think when I concentrate on the things I do not have it really effects the things that I am blessed with. Considering my past and the fact that I never dreamed of a future because I didn't think I would have one, makes it all the worse. I do stand with my last blog that this is a society of ADD and ADHD handicapped peoples. I don't think you have to be diagnosed with it to struggle with it. My understanding is that basically it's the inability to maintain focus or composure in a public or private environment. There is a difference in suffering with this very real condition and the manner in which I am using the terms (loosely to make an observation).
So, back to my struggle. I knowingly suffer with the effects of ADD when it comes to keeping my focus even when its not fun. What do I do about keeping my perspective? So far God has been very faithful to gently remind me of my many blessings, and the fact that I have done nothing to earn them He just loves me and wants me to be happy.
I don't know how to walk that fine line between my hopes and dreams and coveting something that I don't have. I do know that if I am starting my day in the Word of God, staying in touch with my Father throughout the day and making decisions based on His leading then... this wouldn't even be a blog, much less a struggle. So see, it is all in my perspective and what I choose to focus on. today I was just thinking and all of this was to say that today... I am OK with being just OK.
Things people say
Why is it that ten people can give me a wonderful compliment and one person can say nothing and I will obsess about that one persons silence until I am knocked unconscious or my attention is diverted? What is it in the power I give to that one person that skews my whole outlook of a particular event?
Well, to be completely honest... I suffer from a very low self esteem and a cup half empty complex. I am working on it because I see some of what God has done in me and I like it! still, I wonder why we tend to give people so much thought instead of just being who we are and not making apologies or wishing we were more "normal". I am not going to jump on that soap box but let's just get this clear... THERE IS NO NORMAL!!!!! (There is abnormal... just kidding, I just had to expand on and confuse us all).
I am sure that there are many reasons and theories but I am going to share mine. It's focus, in an ADD - ADHD world we don't know how to keep our focus. As a christian where should my focus be? On God. why? Because if I focus on you or me, I get into HUGE trouble. I make selfish choices and end up isolated and feeling guilty. So, in the word: Job 36:16-22
16 He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food.17 But now you are laden with the judgment due to the wicked; judgment and justice have taken hold of you. 18 Be careful that no-one entices you by riches; do not let a large bribe turn you aside. 19 Would your wealth or even all your mighty efforts sustain you so you would not be in distress? 20 Do not long for the night, to drag people away from their homes. 21 Beware of turning to evil, which you seem to prefer to affliction. 22 God is exalted in his power. Who is a teacher like him?
We are told how it works right here. If we let other people's judgement "laden" us, or let other people entice or influence us, long for wealth or things we don't have because we think they will make us happy, or covet what other people have... it equals - misery. If our focus stays on God and what He has for us: Isiah 48:17-18
17 This is what the LORD says- your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. 18 If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea.
then we are satisfied, wholly and completely. This was really just for me I needed to hear it again because I tend to get caught up in what I think people think and my focus should be on how to please God.
Well, to be completely honest... I suffer from a very low self esteem and a cup half empty complex. I am working on it because I see some of what God has done in me and I like it! still, I wonder why we tend to give people so much thought instead of just being who we are and not making apologies or wishing we were more "normal". I am not going to jump on that soap box but let's just get this clear... THERE IS NO NORMAL!!!!! (There is abnormal... just kidding, I just had to expand on and confuse us all).
I am sure that there are many reasons and theories but I am going to share mine. It's focus, in an ADD - ADHD world we don't know how to keep our focus. As a christian where should my focus be? On God. why? Because if I focus on you or me, I get into HUGE trouble. I make selfish choices and end up isolated and feeling guilty. So, in the word: Job 36:16-22
16 He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food.17 But now you are laden with the judgment due to the wicked; judgment and justice have taken hold of you. 18 Be careful that no-one entices you by riches; do not let a large bribe turn you aside. 19 Would your wealth or even all your mighty efforts sustain you so you would not be in distress? 20 Do not long for the night, to drag people away from their homes. 21 Beware of turning to evil, which you seem to prefer to affliction. 22 God is exalted in his power. Who is a teacher like him?
We are told how it works right here. If we let other people's judgement "laden" us, or let other people entice or influence us, long for wealth or things we don't have because we think they will make us happy, or covet what other people have... it equals - misery. If our focus stays on God and what He has for us: Isiah 48:17-18
17 This is what the LORD says- your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go. 18 If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea.
then we are satisfied, wholly and completely. This was really just for me I needed to hear it again because I tend to get caught up in what I think people think and my focus should be on how to please God.
August 18, 2006
A try at "no so" fiction - 2
On the other side of the door is a young couple bubbling with anticipation of a baby girl to complete their family. The missing one that they could not have on their own so they prayed for and endured years under a microscope for to finally become adoptive parents to this tiny baby.
So much already rides on the shoulders of this tiny baby. The emotional bond broken between mother and child and the beginning of growth between a new mother and father.
Let's go back a bit and see the foundations that brought these two families together.
First, Patty. She is a pretty young girl just starting out in her adult life. Do her parents know, does anyone know? Does she have anyone to help her through this? The day she found out that she was pregnant,what must have gone through her mind. She thought about just taking the easy way out and having an abortion but fear and guilt weighed in for the favor of the child. So, what now? Did she leave home alone to walk this road by herself out of shame? Can she walk away and never look back?
Meet Caroline and John, they have everything, the whole package (to the eye). They have two boys and Caroline always dreamed of having a little girl of her own to love and pamper.
He is a plastic surgeon and she a socialite extraordinary. Together these two can give this baby everything a child could want or need.
Just on the other side of the door John and Caroline wait impatiently for there first glimpse of their new baby girl. the door begins to open and this time it is she. Col. Tremont is holding a tiny baby swaddled in blankets... they are speechless and brought to tears. Finally, after all the years their hope has become reality.
So much already rides on the shoulders of this tiny baby. The emotional bond broken between mother and child and the beginning of growth between a new mother and father.
Let's go back a bit and see the foundations that brought these two families together.
First, Patty. She is a pretty young girl just starting out in her adult life. Do her parents know, does anyone know? Does she have anyone to help her through this? The day she found out that she was pregnant,what must have gone through her mind. She thought about just taking the easy way out and having an abortion but fear and guilt weighed in for the favor of the child. So, what now? Did she leave home alone to walk this road by herself out of shame? Can she walk away and never look back?
Meet Caroline and John, they have everything, the whole package (to the eye). They have two boys and Caroline always dreamed of having a little girl of her own to love and pamper.
He is a plastic surgeon and she a socialite extraordinary. Together these two can give this baby everything a child could want or need.
Just on the other side of the door John and Caroline wait impatiently for there first glimpse of their new baby girl. the door begins to open and this time it is she. Col. Tremont is holding a tiny baby swaddled in blankets... they are speechless and brought to tears. Finally, after all the years their hope has become reality.
A try at "no so" fiction - 1
It's a beautiful fall day, the wind is cool but not yet holds the chill of winter. The sun is shining and the sky is clear. There are leaves of all colors falling from the tops of the trees onto the grass and covering the narrow streets of New Orleans.
You would never know the beauty of the season from the inside of the hospital. On the 5th floor, up high you would think the colorful trees would be a sight to behold but, on the delivery ward there is little time to sit and look out the small sliver windows that are basically ignored in the hustle and bustle of the demanding atmosphere.
The ward is pretty full today and the mother's to be are a wide range of girls from; excited young wives anticipating their first babies, single mom's, second and third timers, and some that will come in as a mother and leave without the child they have chosen to carry and deliver to term.
Meet Patty, she is a young girl of 20 and very scared. She is one that has chosen to give her baby up. Maybe she was unprepared, maybe a victim of a crime, caught in a bad situation or maybe just feels all alone? She is here because her time has come, she is ready to give birth to this child she has nourished in her womb for the past 9 months. Lots of thought, tears and struggle have surrounded this day but, today it is clear. This will be the hard part and the beginning of a new life for both mother and child, apart.
I imagine the fear that grew as this day came closer. So many emotions and decisions riddled with fear, "am I doing the right thing" and all of the "what ifs". So many possibilities and no promises just a hope that this decision would turn out to be the right one.
In the hospital room, as the labor pains begin, she begins to think. Everything is going so fast, what is going to happen, how can I do this, how can I not do this, if only... I could go back.
With a extremely painful contraction, reality sets back in and she just reserves her will to do this for the greater good and think later. She shuts down er overwhelming emotions and goes through the birth as best she can.
As the baby girl is brought into the world for her first breath, the nurse asks Patty what she would like to name the baby. "Cynthia", she answers as the baby is taken away. The nurse must not have known of what she asked her, would it have been easier to leave or just walk away without a name? Now, there is a connection.
You would never know the beauty of the season from the inside of the hospital. On the 5th floor, up high you would think the colorful trees would be a sight to behold but, on the delivery ward there is little time to sit and look out the small sliver windows that are basically ignored in the hustle and bustle of the demanding atmosphere.
The ward is pretty full today and the mother's to be are a wide range of girls from; excited young wives anticipating their first babies, single mom's, second and third timers, and some that will come in as a mother and leave without the child they have chosen to carry and deliver to term.
Meet Patty, she is a young girl of 20 and very scared. She is one that has chosen to give her baby up. Maybe she was unprepared, maybe a victim of a crime, caught in a bad situation or maybe just feels all alone? She is here because her time has come, she is ready to give birth to this child she has nourished in her womb for the past 9 months. Lots of thought, tears and struggle have surrounded this day but, today it is clear. This will be the hard part and the beginning of a new life for both mother and child, apart.
I imagine the fear that grew as this day came closer. So many emotions and decisions riddled with fear, "am I doing the right thing" and all of the "what ifs". So many possibilities and no promises just a hope that this decision would turn out to be the right one.
In the hospital room, as the labor pains begin, she begins to think. Everything is going so fast, what is going to happen, how can I do this, how can I not do this, if only... I could go back.
With a extremely painful contraction, reality sets back in and she just reserves her will to do this for the greater good and think later. She shuts down er overwhelming emotions and goes through the birth as best she can.
As the baby girl is brought into the world for her first breath, the nurse asks Patty what she would like to name the baby. "Cynthia", she answers as the baby is taken away. The nurse must not have known of what she asked her, would it have been easier to leave or just walk away without a name? Now, there is a connection.
August 17, 2006
the fear of love
Isn't this a little true of all girls? We give out freely what we think people want but when it comes to the deep inside... all we have left. We hang on tightly, protecting what little we have left. We don't want the hurt, pain and devastation that comes with love (friendship or husband). God can reside in our hearts and we can still be broken off from completeness in relationships due to fear. Maybe it was a silent statement... I will NEVER do that again or I will never share that part of me ever again. The pain is excruciating when we open our selves up and become vulnerable and we are shot with betrayal. God is the key... I have made many such statements to my soul and you know what? I have stayed bound and in pain anyway. I know I missed some blessings by being unwilling to hear God, obey and step out. Does God say we will never be hurt? No, does He say He will only bring things to us that He can use for Good? Yes! So,(assuming mostly adults read this) our part is to model this venerability for our children. They need to know God is in control of ALL areas of our lives, even the pain. We need to touch lives, invest in people so that one by one people become faith believers again. We need to know above all things that God is in control.
On the other side of his is choice. There are somethings that happen in our lives that are done to us and we get left with the crud of dealing with it and some things we do and have to live with the consequences. Both are actually choices. The choice is in how you are going to deal with it. Are you going to stay the victim and glaze over any good that can come out of a situation? Are you going to wait forever for a validation or an apology that may or may not relive your pain? Or are you going to give it to God and let Him work it out in you? See God is in control BUT we have the gift of free-will. We have to choose if God is going to win in our heart or will the ever-present deceiver win another battle of the heart?
Is God big enough to wipe out all struggles for us? Yes. God is big enough for anything and every challenge but who wants something that doesn't want or appreciate them? he wants us at our will and He goes to extreme lengths to woo us to Him. So, in leiu of this isn't there a little of that girl in all of us?
On the other side of his is choice. There are somethings that happen in our lives that are done to us and we get left with the crud of dealing with it and some things we do and have to live with the consequences. Both are actually choices. The choice is in how you are going to deal with it. Are you going to stay the victim and glaze over any good that can come out of a situation? Are you going to wait forever for a validation or an apology that may or may not relive your pain? Or are you going to give it to God and let Him work it out in you? See God is in control BUT we have the gift of free-will. We have to choose if God is going to win in our heart or will the ever-present deceiver win another battle of the heart?
Is God big enough to wipe out all struggles for us? Yes. God is big enough for anything and every challenge but who wants something that doesn't want or appreciate them? he wants us at our will and He goes to extreme lengths to woo us to Him. So, in leiu of this isn't there a little of that girl in all of us?
August 16, 2006
finding common ground
I met this girl and we hang out. This has been going on since about March and I am as confused as ever. To the eye she is rough, mean and a bit scary. To me, she is wounded, deceived and bound in layer upon layers of dysfunction. On top of all this, she may suffer from a chemical imbalance and a life-long health issue she has to deal with. That's the surface... underneath she has the wounds to match. She has been in the state system since she was taken out of the home and abandon as a little girl. She has been abused, neglected and fallen between the cracks and on top of all this... when she turned 18, she was no longer cared for by the state put out and now homeless so her feeling of being abandon and alone... validated.
We all have our "issues" and wounds we have to work through but how do you shine light through to someone who doesn't recognize it? God's job is saving her but mine... encouragement. He planted and righteous burden in my heart for her and He has given me a glimpse of who she is or can be. My struggle is taking my "feelings" out of it. She is at times sweet, caring, responsible and trying then in a split moment she is short, angry, spiteful and scary. I have tried everything I know to connect with her and while I "think" that is finally happening... we back slide. I know God knit us together just as much for me as for her and I have faith that eventually... this will all show His work in and out.
We all have our "issues" and wounds we have to work through but how do you shine light through to someone who doesn't recognize it? God's job is saving her but mine... encouragement. He planted and righteous burden in my heart for her and He has given me a glimpse of who she is or can be. My struggle is taking my "feelings" out of it. She is at times sweet, caring, responsible and trying then in a split moment she is short, angry, spiteful and scary. I have tried everything I know to connect with her and while I "think" that is finally happening... we back slide. I know God knit us together just as much for me as for her and I have faith that eventually... this will all show His work in and out.
Times...they are a changin'
Well, like I wrote a little bit about earlier... Z got a car. His grandparents gave them their car and fixed it up, they painted it, fixed the interior, detailed it and pimped out the stereo system for him. It was great of them to bless him in such a huge way!
Well shortly, after my last blog (five days to be exact). I arrived home from a lock-in with C at about 6:45 AM Saturday morning to another rampage of the battle of the yards. We couldn't even get in the front door, it was wrapped and silly stringed, so we used the garage. We ignored the mess, crawled up the stairs into bed for some much deprived sleep.
Z had to work at 10:00 so around 9:15 he came in for a shirt : ) So I got up ironed his shirt and walked down with him to see the annihilation of our yard. At about 9:30 he pulled out of the drive on his way. Now, every time he leaves in the car I get a pang or "pain" is more like it. This day, nothing out of the ordinary. I felt no gut feeling for him to stay home nor did a little voice say tell him to be extra careful.... nothing.
Enter the next picture... probably just short of 5 minutes later I get a call from him... "Mom.... uh, I've been in an accident". At that point, honestly, I thanked God that He could call. Then Mom-sense set in... "we will be right there". All was Ok everyone involved was uninjured and the scene was mellow. Z was visibly shaken but holding it together. I told him that this was it, he had wrecked and this could just be a "gimme" for all of the kids for all time. I don't want another call about any of them.
The story goes on but the lesson are for Z. He has a lot to learn and deal with, 16 is so young for all that responsibility. I am proud of him, he is doing fine it's just hard to sit back and let him have the pains of growing up. I am a rescuer and peace maker so I want to fix it and glaze it all over so everything is OK. What he needs is space to fly or "crash" on his own and feel the fullness of his choices and mistakes. Only then will he grow in this process, don't get me wrong... I am right there if he needs me but for now.... my lesson and job require me to stay back out of God's business.
Oh, what a day!
It's a regular day, J is getting up and around and I don't have to so, I am lounging around in bed now that I have the WHOLE thing to myself : ) Today is the day that Z and J are going to Chattanooga to pick up Z's first car. So, while lying there I decided that this was a picture worthy day but my camera was in the car AND J hates my car because it's... well, uh - lived in and LOVED - allot! So, to spare him the agony and stress, I got up and went to get the camera.
As I descended the stairs and reached for the door knob I glanced up through our sheer curtains and behold a vision.... OK, it wasn't a vision. It was toilet paper, lots of flowing toilet paper from the very tops of the trees to the very bottom. and that's not all, we have tampon accents tied to the branches and a sea of forks, knives and spoons stuck in the dirt throughout the yard.
See, it's official! Not only is he growing up now other women are competing for his attention. No, really I am kidding but I am having a difficult time knowing that God is adding on the last few "must haves" before his final test flight in 2008. I know he will constantly be upgrading all through life but the basics... he's got them. I have never been so proud or so torn up inside at the same time. All of this from a few rolls of toilet paper... who'd a thunk it?
You may be bored at my ramblings or wonder what is the point? The point is: I could have been angry and refused to clean it up and let Z take care of it later - there WAS a clue... a sole gatorade bottle left behind (it actually crossed my mind to get DNA - too much CSI, I guess even though I assume that the barer of the DNA is probably under the age of having a federal wrap sheet)... Or I could look at it for what it is: a milestone and a reminder.
God is so complete in His growing us and stretching us that even a trashed yard can be a blessing. I actually took joy with every step of picking up stuff because I was remembering just where Z's been and a little glimpse of where he's going - to heaven - eventually. I just was there and God just blessed me through the ummm... 10ish rolls of toilet paper.
So it goes to show, anything can be profound, its just if you are listening or not.
limbo
So again, it's been a bit between blogs. I have been stumped but not so stumped. You know, where you see it but just can quite get there? For a long time now God has been teaching me and stretching me and refining my ways and while I know that never completely stops... I am hoping it will hit a lull here pretty soon. I am just left spinning. I have bitten off more than I can chew so when God begins revealing things to me... I have left no time for processing the lessons.
A lesson for you all: Say no, turn the ringer off and unplug the computer and take the time to work out what God is doing in you. the quicker you do this the shorter the road (usually, this is not a guarantee).
I am still working it all out, I'm just a little overloaded (self-induced). Anyway, why this for a blog? I guess I just needed to write it out to understand it and plus... while I am on the computer, no one dares to interrupt (it's my sanctuary). So, I just had to cry out and claim my SANCTUARY for my sanity.
I am so thankful to my God that He never shakes His head and gives up but instead knows just how to capture my attention and passion.
A lesson for you all: Say no, turn the ringer off and unplug the computer and take the time to work out what God is doing in you. the quicker you do this the shorter the road (usually, this is not a guarantee).
I am still working it all out, I'm just a little overloaded (self-induced). Anyway, why this for a blog? I guess I just needed to write it out to understand it and plus... while I am on the computer, no one dares to interrupt (it's my sanctuary). So, I just had to cry out and claim my SANCTUARY for my sanity.
I am so thankful to my God that He never shakes His head and gives up but instead knows just how to capture my attention and passion.
July 28, 2006
The call of the wild
The streets have a call
it isn't heard by all
the bewitching is a captivating thing
it keeps the heart from knowing how to sing
even though they tear down and destroy
theres something about it that mocks true joy.
I see the girls and the pain in their eyes
Oh, why can't they see the lure of the skies.
walking, pushing, lying, needing how did we get here?
hoping to escape but again hearts are seared.
Closed and shut down so NO ONE gets in
not to be hurt by the judgement of their sin
a vow to never be weak again
and a lifetime of lies and deceit begins.
once there was a little girl
and now deep down there is a hidden pearl,
a hope that has been so pushed down
she doesn't know if she'll ever be found.
In comes God, with His perfect hand
to pick her up and restore her land.
"Could it be? this isn't all for me
where I have been He can't know or see".
Ah, my child but don't you know
all this time I have been where you go
I walk beside you in every step
you my child, I have never left.
Come to me my weary one
just one step and healing has begun.
I don't ask for perfection or more than you can give
come with Me and choose to live
I was there when everyone else walked away
yes, I was there on every single day.
I cried when you couldn't and pain seared my heart too
All of this time I have been chasing after you
I want you to know, that I am all you need
In you my child I have already planted the seed.
I know you won't come until you are good and ready
I am here for the long haul, forever, I am steady.
So when the pain comes too much to bare
reach out to me, I will still be there
I can help you live and breath
I am the only one who can let you free.
Come my child, it's been so long
life without you is just wrong
open your heart just one more time
I promise with me, life will be fine.
So, can you step out
so I can step in
and together true life in you can begin.
it isn't heard by all
the bewitching is a captivating thing
it keeps the heart from knowing how to sing
even though they tear down and destroy
theres something about it that mocks true joy.
I see the girls and the pain in their eyes
Oh, why can't they see the lure of the skies.
walking, pushing, lying, needing how did we get here?
hoping to escape but again hearts are seared.
Closed and shut down so NO ONE gets in
not to be hurt by the judgement of their sin
a vow to never be weak again
and a lifetime of lies and deceit begins.
once there was a little girl
and now deep down there is a hidden pearl,
a hope that has been so pushed down
she doesn't know if she'll ever be found.
In comes God, with His perfect hand
to pick her up and restore her land.
"Could it be? this isn't all for me
where I have been He can't know or see".
Ah, my child but don't you know
all this time I have been where you go
I walk beside you in every step
you my child, I have never left.
Come to me my weary one
just one step and healing has begun.
I don't ask for perfection or more than you can give
come with Me and choose to live
I was there when everyone else walked away
yes, I was there on every single day.
I cried when you couldn't and pain seared my heart too
All of this time I have been chasing after you
I want you to know, that I am all you need
In you my child I have already planted the seed.
I know you won't come until you are good and ready
I am here for the long haul, forever, I am steady.
So when the pain comes too much to bare
reach out to me, I will still be there
I can help you live and breath
I am the only one who can let you free.
Come my child, it's been so long
life without you is just wrong
open your heart just one more time
I promise with me, life will be fine.
So, can you step out
so I can step in
and together true life in you can begin.
July 25, 2006
A profound statement...
"Stop telling God how big your storm is.
Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!"
Instead, tell the storm how big your God is!"
July 22, 2006
to school or not to school...
Well, it is just so weird having children... they are all so different. I mean they can look alike, have similar dis-likes and talents but they are completely different creatures.
We have had some difficulties and struggles in the school area. We have had one child that is OK in that area, we don't even really remember having to teach him to read (I think he was born literate), but has a struggle in the social area. Then we have one that flourishes in the spot-light but struggles in academics... and THEN, we have one that doesn't hit any chart at all, out of the box, so-to-say.
What to do, what to do... how important is academic acceleration. What about just doing the best you can and keeping your heart in tact? I mean, what if you never make an honor roll or excel in a subject that doesn't include a ball. Where is the line and balance? Is there a balance of a healthy heart and pushing someone to do their best without tearing a rip in who they think they are vs. the amazing creature they were created to be. We all want to be good at what is put before us and if we constantly are being told we aren't meeting that expectation then what are we to do? Where is the balance? Do we drop our expectations and nurture what areas are successful? Do we keep pushing even when we see it has left a lasting mark?
To school or not to school is all about the bottom line... how important is the heart vs. academic performance? I know we have to seek anything to find out anything but what about HOW we seek. I am I still doing my job set before me by God if I take an alternate route? So to school or not to school?
And, while I am babbling... why can't our educator (as a whole) teach in all ways? It is proven and undisputed that all children learn differently, why can't we accommodate that without having to "modify" life for them?
I am, praying about this but my very human side is emotionally fueled and in need of a little dumping.
We have had some difficulties and struggles in the school area. We have had one child that is OK in that area, we don't even really remember having to teach him to read (I think he was born literate), but has a struggle in the social area. Then we have one that flourishes in the spot-light but struggles in academics... and THEN, we have one that doesn't hit any chart at all, out of the box, so-to-say.
What to do, what to do... how important is academic acceleration. What about just doing the best you can and keeping your heart in tact? I mean, what if you never make an honor roll or excel in a subject that doesn't include a ball. Where is the line and balance? Is there a balance of a healthy heart and pushing someone to do their best without tearing a rip in who they think they are vs. the amazing creature they were created to be. We all want to be good at what is put before us and if we constantly are being told we aren't meeting that expectation then what are we to do? Where is the balance? Do we drop our expectations and nurture what areas are successful? Do we keep pushing even when we see it has left a lasting mark?
To school or not to school is all about the bottom line... how important is the heart vs. academic performance? I know we have to seek anything to find out anything but what about HOW we seek. I am I still doing my job set before me by God if I take an alternate route? So to school or not to school?
And, while I am babbling... why can't our educator (as a whole) teach in all ways? It is proven and undisputed that all children learn differently, why can't we accommodate that without having to "modify" life for them?
I am, praying about this but my very human side is emotionally fueled and in need of a little dumping.
"it doesn't matter"
OK a little venting is good for the soul right? The phrase "it doesn't matter" is SO not what it seems. Honestly, Have you ever used those words and it really... really did not matter? I have heard these words from just about every person close to me lately and I could tell before they were uttered that whatever it was... it mattered! A situation you can not control... It doesn't matter; a friend hurts you unknowingly... it doesn't matter; a spat ends in a draw... it doesn't matter. This could go on and on, right? So why do we short change ourselves and just choke down our feelings and become complacent.
Is it a way of avoiding? Uh, NO - cause you feel it anyway and you have to deal with it anyway all your doing is leaving the other person in the ever-loving land of oblivion.
Is it fear? What are we afraid of, is it that we might not get our way, might not be validated or is it just if we don't address the situation that we can really pretend it didn't happen? Yeah right, that seems to work one out of ...never-times.
Is it we just don't trust the person with our true feelings? Ouch, that one hurts. Could that be a factor? Hm-mm....
I don't know the answer but I do know that when someones says it doesn't matter... it does!
Is it a way of avoiding? Uh, NO - cause you feel it anyway and you have to deal with it anyway all your doing is leaving the other person in the ever-loving land of oblivion.
Is it fear? What are we afraid of, is it that we might not get our way, might not be validated or is it just if we don't address the situation that we can really pretend it didn't happen? Yeah right, that seems to work one out of ...never-times.
Is it we just don't trust the person with our true feelings? Ouch, that one hurts. Could that be a factor? Hm-mm....
I don't know the answer but I do know that when someones says it doesn't matter... it does!
blessings through a friend
Today is a good day, I have been trying to daily surrender my day, hour by hour, minute by minute to God's will instead of mine. Although, I have failed to respond at times... only when it involves cleaning :)
Last night I spoke something to a friend that I had never heard myself... I said, "you really don't have freedom when you are out feeding an addiction, avoiding responsibility or living on the streets ("living by your own rules"). Really that lifestyle is void of freedom; the addiction consumes all choices, lack of responsibility never erases responsibility just breeds guilt and living on the street... that is such a controlled environment because there is always someone telling you where you can sit, sleep, eat.... on and on.
So, what God said through me, sank in. I heard Him talking to me personally. Maybe, in my own life there are things that I view as freedom that really aren't and things or people I see as controlling me that are really here to give me freedom. Am I making sense? I don't think anyone is placed here to "control" us (as adults) but to help us by; leading, teaching and to walk beside us... definitely.
I can't choose for you, make you respond in a way I want or prohibit your will and nor can you do the same for me. So.... how do we identify the areas of deception? Well, so far God has been faithful to reveal areas to me that are functioning at a less than satisfactory speed. I am a bit hard- headed, stubborn and emotional so, I usually take the long road which usually does not parallel the "high" road.
Join me in the next few days or weeks in asking God to open the eyes of my heart that I might know Him more and through Him see my areas of blindness better.
Thank You God that You never grow weary of investing in us. Thank you that your will is good and perfect and that your plans for us are not to harm us but to give us hope and a future. I praise you and am thankful that you bless us with new and inviting days every morning. Thank you that you bring friends into our lives to help us and speak truth to us even through our own blindness. Thank you for never letting me forget from where you have brought me and may I continue to learn and grow in your ways. I humble myself in the knowledge that you are God. And I try a bit more each day to grasp the gift of Jesus that you have freely given to me and every child that calls you Father and believes.
Covered by the blood of Jesus I pray. Amen
Last night I spoke something to a friend that I had never heard myself... I said, "you really don't have freedom when you are out feeding an addiction, avoiding responsibility or living on the streets ("living by your own rules"). Really that lifestyle is void of freedom; the addiction consumes all choices, lack of responsibility never erases responsibility just breeds guilt and living on the street... that is such a controlled environment because there is always someone telling you where you can sit, sleep, eat.... on and on.
So, what God said through me, sank in. I heard Him talking to me personally. Maybe, in my own life there are things that I view as freedom that really aren't and things or people I see as controlling me that are really here to give me freedom. Am I making sense? I don't think anyone is placed here to "control" us (as adults) but to help us by; leading, teaching and to walk beside us... definitely.
I can't choose for you, make you respond in a way I want or prohibit your will and nor can you do the same for me. So.... how do we identify the areas of deception? Well, so far God has been faithful to reveal areas to me that are functioning at a less than satisfactory speed. I am a bit hard- headed, stubborn and emotional so, I usually take the long road which usually does not parallel the "high" road.
Join me in the next few days or weeks in asking God to open the eyes of my heart that I might know Him more and through Him see my areas of blindness better.
Thank You God that You never grow weary of investing in us. Thank you that your will is good and perfect and that your plans for us are not to harm us but to give us hope and a future. I praise you and am thankful that you bless us with new and inviting days every morning. Thank you that you bring friends into our lives to help us and speak truth to us even through our own blindness. Thank you for never letting me forget from where you have brought me and may I continue to learn and grow in your ways. I humble myself in the knowledge that you are God. And I try a bit more each day to grasp the gift of Jesus that you have freely given to me and every child that calls you Father and believes.
Covered by the blood of Jesus I pray. Amen
July 14, 2006
Isn't it a good thing....
In Lieu of my last post I have to add, isn't it good to have a God that expects the very best from us and only holds us to what He knows we can do.
How many people in our lives have unjust expectations of us?
Maybe we have friends that think we have more to offer than what we do, kids that expect us to satisfy every whim, family that makes plans for us assuming that is what we want, a ministry that expects perfection from us, a parent that pushes us to exhaustion.... it could be anything.
Expectations are dangerous unless you are God. He is the only one that knows all of the factors in the big picture. I guess I am just so thankful that my God doesn't sit up in heaven and glance down every now and then. The God I know is down here and hands on constantly stretching and growing his children to their full potential. And yes, in that... comes discipline. Sometimes it feels like a roll of distant warning thunder, a gentle snap of the finger to get our attention or at times a lasting wrath that reminds of that our Father loves us enough to not want us to stay bound in sin. Ultimately, the decision is ours... that's the beauty of it all, He never makes us do anything He makes it our decision. He has provided all of our needs we just have to choose to believe Him.
So, both the loving, compassionate Father God and the righteous Judge on the throne are the same and both very necessary for our freedom and life abundant. Think about life without hope or someone that knows everything about you, past, present and future and holds you to doing you best even when you fail. What would life be for without a reason to want to be better, a hope that brings us to our feet in the morning or the awe that is the world around us testifying to His glory with every glance.
There's just nothing like coming home to the feet of Jesus to make everything right again.
How many people in our lives have unjust expectations of us?
Maybe we have friends that think we have more to offer than what we do, kids that expect us to satisfy every whim, family that makes plans for us assuming that is what we want, a ministry that expects perfection from us, a parent that pushes us to exhaustion.... it could be anything.
Expectations are dangerous unless you are God. He is the only one that knows all of the factors in the big picture. I guess I am just so thankful that my God doesn't sit up in heaven and glance down every now and then. The God I know is down here and hands on constantly stretching and growing his children to their full potential. And yes, in that... comes discipline. Sometimes it feels like a roll of distant warning thunder, a gentle snap of the finger to get our attention or at times a lasting wrath that reminds of that our Father loves us enough to not want us to stay bound in sin. Ultimately, the decision is ours... that's the beauty of it all, He never makes us do anything He makes it our decision. He has provided all of our needs we just have to choose to believe Him.
So, both the loving, compassionate Father God and the righteous Judge on the throne are the same and both very necessary for our freedom and life abundant. Think about life without hope or someone that knows everything about you, past, present and future and holds you to doing you best even when you fail. What would life be for without a reason to want to be better, a hope that brings us to our feet in the morning or the awe that is the world around us testifying to His glory with every glance.
There's just nothing like coming home to the feet of Jesus to make everything right again.
July 13, 2006
What is it about God?
Ok so it's been awhile, I have been in process
What is it about our God, My God? What do I know or "think" I know about my Father in heave? Well, this is such a hard topic because we don't like to admit we might have wrong views of God but, if we're honest, we have a lot of ideas about who God is that are not God at all.
Okay I'll start, My most deceptive idea about God lately, has been that he is love and compassionate (which He is) BUT - I have ever so conveniently left out the righteous judge as well as our Master Creator He is also the taker of life. He is all of the good, perfect and wonderful things that we all adore about coming to the feet of our Jesus but... less we forget or dismiss the fact that we are to be held accountable to a higher way of life and a different set of values by a God that is easily angered and jealous when set aside.
Does that make sense? I have been so blinded by the goodness of God that I blotted out my own transgressions by assuming that the "goodness" of God covered them and maybe... somewhere deep inside me I even thought I deserved or was entitled to His forgiveness because I knew He loved me so much.
OK, for example, Let's say that I acted in some way irresponsibility and got in trouble. I am sorry for getting caught and the hurt I caused but, I never said to my self or out loud; "God, please forgive me I know what I did was wrong" (- agreeing with God that I acted out of His will for my life). You know what happens? nothing, you get nothing. In some cases in the Bible the person never felt the Holy spirit again because they did not have an awe (healthy fear or respect - another state of awe) for the mighty hand of God's judgement. Without a real respect for God the Judge, you can not have a healthy relationship with God the Father. His demand for us to follow Him is not a request and when we get to a point where you can look at Him and say... NO, I will not. BEWARE, His wrath has no comparison and will leave a lasting mark. Don't let pride, shame, ignorance or whatever it is get you to a point where God has to turn His face from you and let you over to your own evil desires. Whatever your idol, habit, addiction, baggage, pain, wound or assumption is... nothing has power over you unless you have given it over. Christ in you, Christ in me... we can overcome all things and live in victory but it is not free... the price? Obedience.
For me, I am studying the scriptures for exactly who God is in truth and getting the misconceptions, lies and half-truths out of my head and my heart, so I can know HIm more. Never again do I want to feel so apart and unconnected from my Father that I feel nothing.
What is it about our God, My God? What do I know or "think" I know about my Father in heave? Well, this is such a hard topic because we don't like to admit we might have wrong views of God but, if we're honest, we have a lot of ideas about who God is that are not God at all.
Okay I'll start, My most deceptive idea about God lately, has been that he is love and compassionate (which He is) BUT - I have ever so conveniently left out the righteous judge as well as our Master Creator He is also the taker of life. He is all of the good, perfect and wonderful things that we all adore about coming to the feet of our Jesus but... less we forget or dismiss the fact that we are to be held accountable to a higher way of life and a different set of values by a God that is easily angered and jealous when set aside.
Does that make sense? I have been so blinded by the goodness of God that I blotted out my own transgressions by assuming that the "goodness" of God covered them and maybe... somewhere deep inside me I even thought I deserved or was entitled to His forgiveness because I knew He loved me so much.
OK, for example, Let's say that I acted in some way irresponsibility and got in trouble. I am sorry for getting caught and the hurt I caused but, I never said to my self or out loud; "God, please forgive me I know what I did was wrong" (- agreeing with God that I acted out of His will for my life). You know what happens? nothing, you get nothing. In some cases in the Bible the person never felt the Holy spirit again because they did not have an awe (healthy fear or respect - another state of awe) for the mighty hand of God's judgement. Without a real respect for God the Judge, you can not have a healthy relationship with God the Father. His demand for us to follow Him is not a request and when we get to a point where you can look at Him and say... NO, I will not. BEWARE, His wrath has no comparison and will leave a lasting mark. Don't let pride, shame, ignorance or whatever it is get you to a point where God has to turn His face from you and let you over to your own evil desires. Whatever your idol, habit, addiction, baggage, pain, wound or assumption is... nothing has power over you unless you have given it over. Christ in you, Christ in me... we can overcome all things and live in victory but it is not free... the price? Obedience.
For me, I am studying the scriptures for exactly who God is in truth and getting the misconceptions, lies and half-truths out of my head and my heart, so I can know HIm more. Never again do I want to feel so apart and unconnected from my Father that I feel nothing.
June 20, 2006
Lifted or Shifted???
Well, here's a new thought to chew on...
When we have hurts, habits, hangups, strongholds, addictions; unhealthy patterns of behavior in general... can we shift them so they disguise themselves as something else. I don't mean we consciously shift them but the pattern shifts and we are fooled into thinking we are freer in an area of of lives than we really are. If that is so, does it not show the cunning abilities if our enemy? What more vulnerable a target than a wounded soul and to be so susceptible to the lie that you are kept in bondage unknowingly? Fooled into thinking that that struggle is healed and moving on to another only to find out they are one in the same?
Hmmm... I dunno, I am chewing this one down. I can see my past strongholds and how destructive they were to myself as well as everyone around me. When I wasn't in bondage to drugs, alcohol, whatever ( I still have difficulty listing them all), I assumed that they were areas of progression and freedom for me.
At the same time, I know God has provided healing and protection for me and my family but... I think that I was mistaken, God has required something of me all along but has seem my heart and for whatever reason, the time was not at hand... maybe now is the time for me to do the work that needs to be done. Maybe now, I am Strong enough to give whatever it is that I need to and to walk in victory with Him. Maybe, now it is time for me to dig up, dig in and clean out all my distorted views of God, hurts, and just the junk. Maybe now, I can be completely free from these unhealthy behaviors.
In conclusion, what I do know as truth is: God will never leave me or forsake me. As long as I am willing I don't have to know what my healing looks like or the full step by step... I can just go and He will be my guide and whatever comes up... He knows I can handle.... Trusting Him (that's my daily dwelling place, Trusting in Him).
Father God, Thank you that you know what we need, what we can handle and that Your ways are perfectly designed for us in mind. Thank you that you have lifted, helped and suspended unhealthy patterns in my life in protection of me. Thank you that you are trust worthy and Lord, help me to know what trust (your way) is. I desire to be healthy, productive and a blessing to You. Help me see that having You in me, with that, I can do anything (I shall not fear). You are worthy of so much more than I am offering to You, forgive me for choosing to put other things before you, being selfish enough to satisfy my own desires, and my lack of understanding the whole-ness of who you really are. You are Holy and there is none beside You. Thank you for Your constant provision, In You I can find anything I seek.
In the mighty name of Jesus I pray, Amen.
When we have hurts, habits, hangups, strongholds, addictions; unhealthy patterns of behavior in general... can we shift them so they disguise themselves as something else. I don't mean we consciously shift them but the pattern shifts and we are fooled into thinking we are freer in an area of of lives than we really are. If that is so, does it not show the cunning abilities if our enemy? What more vulnerable a target than a wounded soul and to be so susceptible to the lie that you are kept in bondage unknowingly? Fooled into thinking that that struggle is healed and moving on to another only to find out they are one in the same?
Hmmm... I dunno, I am chewing this one down. I can see my past strongholds and how destructive they were to myself as well as everyone around me. When I wasn't in bondage to drugs, alcohol, whatever ( I still have difficulty listing them all), I assumed that they were areas of progression and freedom for me.
At the same time, I know God has provided healing and protection for me and my family but... I think that I was mistaken, God has required something of me all along but has seem my heart and for whatever reason, the time was not at hand... maybe now is the time for me to do the work that needs to be done. Maybe now, I am Strong enough to give whatever it is that I need to and to walk in victory with Him. Maybe, now it is time for me to dig up, dig in and clean out all my distorted views of God, hurts, and just the junk. Maybe now, I can be completely free from these unhealthy behaviors.
In conclusion, what I do know as truth is: God will never leave me or forsake me. As long as I am willing I don't have to know what my healing looks like or the full step by step... I can just go and He will be my guide and whatever comes up... He knows I can handle.... Trusting Him (that's my daily dwelling place, Trusting in Him).
Father God, Thank you that you know what we need, what we can handle and that Your ways are perfectly designed for us in mind. Thank you that you have lifted, helped and suspended unhealthy patterns in my life in protection of me. Thank you that you are trust worthy and Lord, help me to know what trust (your way) is. I desire to be healthy, productive and a blessing to You. Help me see that having You in me, with that, I can do anything (I shall not fear). You are worthy of so much more than I am offering to You, forgive me for choosing to put other things before you, being selfish enough to satisfy my own desires, and my lack of understanding the whole-ness of who you really are. You are Holy and there is none beside You. Thank you for Your constant provision, In You I can find anything I seek.
In the mighty name of Jesus I pray, Amen.
June 18, 2006
required or not...
Today is a new day and honestly... this day IS better than the day before. We sang a song in worship today and it had a line that says "Every day with you Lord... is better than day before". Granted, that is not always the case to the human eye but always the case when we are trusting God.
Today God's revelation to me was this, in all of my past addictions, hurts or habits... I was delivered from them. For example, today a man gave his testimony about how God just took his stronghold and it was not a major area of struggle for him anymore. That's how my addictions, strongholds, unhealthy habits, whatever you want to call them have been lifted. God's abundant grace has virtually erased these past oppressions for me and there was little asked of me... nothing like what I think this journey beholds for me to give. This sin of mine is different as in... I am going to have to be on alert and obedient 24/7. I don't think I have ever had to be responsible (solely responsible) for my actions. I went from childhood to adulthood under the support and protection of my Dad and from there, straight to the same in my marriage. I have had jobs but never sole responsibility for own well being or "not so well" being.
What I do know... God has me right where He wants me. I am still very shut down spiritually and emotionally but I know each day brings new opportunities for me to take steps toward change. This may be the first time God is requiring something of me to bless me with full restoration. So, step by step I am learning to praise Him even when I know know why... just thank Him honestly and continue seeking a relationship with Him and this time, I am listening... He has my full attention.
Thank you God for being so faithful in your love even when I am not faithful in mine. You do not leave your children the same for long. You are constantly growing and stretching us to be more like Jesus and even when we say "no"... you love us enough to throw us to face the fire on our own. Your timing is perfect and your ways are right, help me to engrave your word on my heart so that the knowledge in my head is congruent to the ways of my heart. create in me a resolve to join you in victory. Teach me Father, how to be the child you see in me.
In the mighty name of Jesus I pray, Amen
Today God's revelation to me was this, in all of my past addictions, hurts or habits... I was delivered from them. For example, today a man gave his testimony about how God just took his stronghold and it was not a major area of struggle for him anymore. That's how my addictions, strongholds, unhealthy habits, whatever you want to call them have been lifted. God's abundant grace has virtually erased these past oppressions for me and there was little asked of me... nothing like what I think this journey beholds for me to give. This sin of mine is different as in... I am going to have to be on alert and obedient 24/7. I don't think I have ever had to be responsible (solely responsible) for my actions. I went from childhood to adulthood under the support and protection of my Dad and from there, straight to the same in my marriage. I have had jobs but never sole responsibility for own well being or "not so well" being.
What I do know... God has me right where He wants me. I am still very shut down spiritually and emotionally but I know each day brings new opportunities for me to take steps toward change. This may be the first time God is requiring something of me to bless me with full restoration. So, step by step I am learning to praise Him even when I know know why... just thank Him honestly and continue seeking a relationship with Him and this time, I am listening... He has my full attention.
Thank you God for being so faithful in your love even when I am not faithful in mine. You do not leave your children the same for long. You are constantly growing and stretching us to be more like Jesus and even when we say "no"... you love us enough to throw us to face the fire on our own. Your timing is perfect and your ways are right, help me to engrave your word on my heart so that the knowledge in my head is congruent to the ways of my heart. create in me a resolve to join you in victory. Teach me Father, how to be the child you see in me.
In the mighty name of Jesus I pray, Amen
Psalm 42:11
11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
For I will yet praise Him - That's my start...
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
For I will yet praise Him - That's my start...
from a chat to prayer
What happens if you don't trust God? What if I see Him clearly in the good things like; healing, restoring, grace and blessings but not in the bad? What if I am too scared to find out why I am choosing blatant sin over what I know is good and true?
All of my life I had struggles (we all do) and I learned to coat them with other things like: drugs, boys, spending, eating... whatever it always turned out to be a self-destructive behavior. Then, I went to rehab and learned how to not take drugs or drink, I learned to flee bad environments and I learned to identify the problem areas. Still, with this knowledge I relapsed, my knowledge had changed but... It wasn't until I was saved at 27 years old that my heart began to change. So, what am I missing now?
I feel so stupid, I know the answer is simple but have not a clue as to what it is. I have always said that in my "issues" I have many branches and I can see them, change them around, trim them and try to control them but underneath is the life blood - the root.
So tonight, I start my reconcillation with God by admitting all that I know He sees in me. I ask for forgiveness for my heinous sin against Him and ask that He continues to show me the fullness of my choices and their consequenses. I give to Him my doubt, my inability to trust or be trusted, my wounds that I can name and those I don't know how to utter them aloud. I give Him the broken down, yet faithfully believing spirit that He has continiously restored and rebirthed. I give Him my fear of failure, lack of responsibility and my rebellion. I am sure that the list goes on and on but for this moment, this night, I am finally ready to give Him all of me.
Those of you who don't understand... sometimes we can be in the holiest of holy places or the pit of sin and still be holding back something God wants... He wants all of us, every part.
Trembling and unsure of what that means I do, I give all of me to my Father God in Heaven who no matter what is faithful and just and loves me despite what He knows about me. I praise the name of Jesus and lay my will at His feet. May my sacrifice of pure heart and given in the greatest of humility and honor. Thank you Jesus that you are Hope, my hope lies in your name. Amen
All of my life I had struggles (we all do) and I learned to coat them with other things like: drugs, boys, spending, eating... whatever it always turned out to be a self-destructive behavior. Then, I went to rehab and learned how to not take drugs or drink, I learned to flee bad environments and I learned to identify the problem areas. Still, with this knowledge I relapsed, my knowledge had changed but... It wasn't until I was saved at 27 years old that my heart began to change. So, what am I missing now?
I feel so stupid, I know the answer is simple but have not a clue as to what it is. I have always said that in my "issues" I have many branches and I can see them, change them around, trim them and try to control them but underneath is the life blood - the root.
So tonight, I start my reconcillation with God by admitting all that I know He sees in me. I ask for forgiveness for my heinous sin against Him and ask that He continues to show me the fullness of my choices and their consequenses. I give to Him my doubt, my inability to trust or be trusted, my wounds that I can name and those I don't know how to utter them aloud. I give Him the broken down, yet faithfully believing spirit that He has continiously restored and rebirthed. I give Him my fear of failure, lack of responsibility and my rebellion. I am sure that the list goes on and on but for this moment, this night, I am finally ready to give Him all of me.
Those of you who don't understand... sometimes we can be in the holiest of holy places or the pit of sin and still be holding back something God wants... He wants all of us, every part.
Trembling and unsure of what that means I do, I give all of me to my Father God in Heaven who no matter what is faithful and just and loves me despite what He knows about me. I praise the name of Jesus and lay my will at His feet. May my sacrifice of pure heart and given in the greatest of humility and honor. Thank you Jesus that you are Hope, my hope lies in your name. Amen
The processing....
Hi all, I have been out of commission for a few days because we went on a trip to see my family in Mississippi.
During this time I was so aware of my gracious blesssings and also, very aware that I am surprised by my actions and the entirity of my sin. I am learning day by day that there are many aspects to my sin that I never took into consideration. I have effected my children, my friends, those I mentor, and most of all my husband.
Well, actually... most of all I hurt God... I hate to even think about it. I basically said "no" when He continuially asked me to stop and repent... how does one come to terms with the fact that given all the grace in the world... I still said no.
I guess my starting point is reconcilling with God. Only then can I imagine honestly and authentically reconciling with my husband, children, friends and family.
I think I have a long way to go in grasping the whole gammit of my sin but I know God is faithful and willing to heal me IF I am willing. I am.
There is definately a HUGE shame factor that creeps up and it almost turns into self-pity or in some way doesn't take full responsibility for my actions. I am not happy to think that I could be putting my sin off on some excuse rather than being completely humbled and responsible for my diliberate chossing of sin over what I obviously knew as right.
I am very interested to dig in and find out how or where that selfishness comes from... I guess I have always thought as myself more selfless that selfish except when I over book and become a flake on someone... my other work in progress... time management :) (That one takes a breather- while I am learning how to have someones trust and keep it). Oooh, I absolutely hate the fact that the truth and my actions say... more selfish. Yuk! Thas one of my dislikes in people, I have no patience for utterly selfish people... maybe because it too much hits home???
I dunno much of anything right now but I am on my way so check back every now and then to see whats up, who knows whats next here?
During this time I was so aware of my gracious blesssings and also, very aware that I am surprised by my actions and the entirity of my sin. I am learning day by day that there are many aspects to my sin that I never took into consideration. I have effected my children, my friends, those I mentor, and most of all my husband.
Well, actually... most of all I hurt God... I hate to even think about it. I basically said "no" when He continuially asked me to stop and repent... how does one come to terms with the fact that given all the grace in the world... I still said no.
I guess my starting point is reconcilling with God. Only then can I imagine honestly and authentically reconciling with my husband, children, friends and family.
I think I have a long way to go in grasping the whole gammit of my sin but I know God is faithful and willing to heal me IF I am willing. I am.
There is definately a HUGE shame factor that creeps up and it almost turns into self-pity or in some way doesn't take full responsibility for my actions. I am not happy to think that I could be putting my sin off on some excuse rather than being completely humbled and responsible for my diliberate chossing of sin over what I obviously knew as right.
I am very interested to dig in and find out how or where that selfishness comes from... I guess I have always thought as myself more selfless that selfish except when I over book and become a flake on someone... my other work in progress... time management :) (That one takes a breather- while I am learning how to have someones trust and keep it). Oooh, I absolutely hate the fact that the truth and my actions say... more selfish. Yuk! Thas one of my dislikes in people, I have no patience for utterly selfish people... maybe because it too much hits home???
I dunno much of anything right now but I am on my way so check back every now and then to see whats up, who knows whats next here?
June 07, 2006
my not so secret sin
well, my slump was self-induced and now is confession time for me. I have been in a virtual pit for many weeks. I knew from where it was coming but I was unwilling to stop what I was doing, confess and repent.
I don't know if anyone remembers my January blog entry "temptation and the not so secret sin" but, that was the beginning for me. My not so secret sin is overspending and then hiding it. It is truely an addiction for me and one unlike the addiction I fought with drugs and alcohol. This sin has had a consistant hold on me and is so embarassing to admit because of my past.
I am confessing this to you because it is important to me that other people understand that no matter what your addiction, habit or hang-up is... you are promised that if you endure and hold tight to the word of God, He is bigger than anything you will ever face. I didn't believe God. I was decieved for a long time, in that, because I "know", seek and pursue a relationship with God that I had everything I needed to have victory over my sin. Now, I also want you to know that God is capable of healing, lifting or just erasing any addiction, He is the foundation to all healing. However, sometimes I think He leads us to explore our addiction to learn more about who He is and how He can deliver us from our enemies, if we allow Him to. So, my deception was that I started to believe that I was powerless, it wasn't a big deal and that I had all of the knowledge but I was defective. I believed that here was something in my being that was broken... what a lie, a cop-out and light shattering truth I had tatooed on my heart.
This sin continued to grow and spread into all other areas of my life and was literally destroying me one day at a time. Still, I did not stop. I indirectly asked for help but in ways that no one could know what I was saying to them. I was completely enslaved to my sin, I was lying and cheating it was just ugly sin. I actually was choosing the pit, purchase after purchase, all the while knowing that my number would soon be up.
How can I do such a thing to anyone much less my beloved husband? I have struggled with trust issues and He had worked so hard to help me but now I see, I am not trustworthy so how could I possibily trust someone else?
I am just at the beginning of working all this out, I am seeking help and have totally confessed to my husband (after he found out enough to get me started).
I felt like I needed to confess to you too, because someone out there knows very well where I am coming from and child you are not powerless. I may feel powerless at times, and be heavy with shame but I am still a child of the most high God and He is stronger, bigger and more fullfilling than anything our minds can think up. He is hope and I need Him.
So, when you pray remember our family, we are struggling together as we progress through this process of healing and setteling an addiction, my addiction which has effected every member of my family, and a special one for my husband which has extended to me forgivness, mercy and grace that I do not deserve.
I don't know if anyone remembers my January blog entry "temptation and the not so secret sin" but, that was the beginning for me. My not so secret sin is overspending and then hiding it. It is truely an addiction for me and one unlike the addiction I fought with drugs and alcohol. This sin has had a consistant hold on me and is so embarassing to admit because of my past.
I am confessing this to you because it is important to me that other people understand that no matter what your addiction, habit or hang-up is... you are promised that if you endure and hold tight to the word of God, He is bigger than anything you will ever face. I didn't believe God. I was decieved for a long time, in that, because I "know", seek and pursue a relationship with God that I had everything I needed to have victory over my sin. Now, I also want you to know that God is capable of healing, lifting or just erasing any addiction, He is the foundation to all healing. However, sometimes I think He leads us to explore our addiction to learn more about who He is and how He can deliver us from our enemies, if we allow Him to. So, my deception was that I started to believe that I was powerless, it wasn't a big deal and that I had all of the knowledge but I was defective. I believed that here was something in my being that was broken... what a lie, a cop-out and light shattering truth I had tatooed on my heart.
This sin continued to grow and spread into all other areas of my life and was literally destroying me one day at a time. Still, I did not stop. I indirectly asked for help but in ways that no one could know what I was saying to them. I was completely enslaved to my sin, I was lying and cheating it was just ugly sin. I actually was choosing the pit, purchase after purchase, all the while knowing that my number would soon be up.
How can I do such a thing to anyone much less my beloved husband? I have struggled with trust issues and He had worked so hard to help me but now I see, I am not trustworthy so how could I possibily trust someone else?
I am just at the beginning of working all this out, I am seeking help and have totally confessed to my husband (after he found out enough to get me started).
I felt like I needed to confess to you too, because someone out there knows very well where I am coming from and child you are not powerless. I may feel powerless at times, and be heavy with shame but I am still a child of the most high God and He is stronger, bigger and more fullfilling than anything our minds can think up. He is hope and I need Him.
So, when you pray remember our family, we are struggling together as we progress through this process of healing and setteling an addiction, my addiction which has effected every member of my family, and a special one for my husband which has extended to me forgivness, mercy and grace that I do not deserve.
June 01, 2006
In His hands
mentoring, walking beside, helping someone out, befriending a struggling soul... these are all easy to say but a HARD life to live. Reaching out and giving something of yourself to someone opens up a door that no one wants to leave wide for fear of being hurt. Yet, someone did it for us, that's how we "get it", we see it, receive it, process it and return it to others. And now as we extend grace through leaving that door WIDE open, we first and foremost remember the gift of grace from our sovereign God but too, we have to acknowledge the human grace that has allowed us to have a softened heart for other hurting people and help us to extend the same grace to them. I have seen and experienced many different displays of pure grace from the Mosaic Community and as the road twists and turns I encourage my brothers and sisters not to grow weary. Choose to serve out of Gods love and His ability to love unconditionally -fearlessly. I am blessed to walk beside so many that truly grasp the wholeness of Gods grace, love and mercy... and can return it in the same way it was given, free-without expectations or hidden motives Just because He could, He saved us... He can save them too, all we have to do is serve and go where he asks... the rest is just out of our hands.
I am because He chose to let me
I saw her today
the one who is always sad and grey
she looked at me but as if she did not know
acting like all is well and her endless pain did not show.
what is it that she fears will happen if she lets it all go
Our merciful, mighty and able God does she just not really know?
how can we see so much without understanding its meaning deep down inside
and how can we understand and not see the work of our heavenly guide?
what can I say that would make anything different to her heart
I guess just being there to listen is where I could start.
maybe changing her isn't up to me
or even for my eyes in this life to see
I just know I have been there, unable to feel
wanting so much but not knowing how to begin to heal.
struggling to see anything past my completely devastated life
past the heartache, disappointment, fear and daily strife.
Then one day, with a word, it all just changed for me
the sorrow I heard finally brought me to my knees.
I don't know why I am not standing in her shoes on this day
Thanks to Jesus I was changed and that's all I can say.
I understand the blind man and all he said took place
he couldn't explain it but it was written all over his face.
We were blind different yet the same he and I
now we can see and our eyes lift to the sky
I don't really know if the legals ever believed
but that blind man and I... the same gift we received.
Life abundant and free to live the way we choose to
my "being" bound together and His voice began my weary soul to soothe
I am because He chose to let me
and I choose because He is the I AM and now I see.
so, what do I say to the sad and grey girl?
Oh, my child deep inside is a hidden pearl.
One day I hope you too will see
That life is a choice to be made by you and me
It takes a step out of what we know how to do
but the reward is seeing the precious jewel that is you.
you see, each child has a special place deep inside
and as we grow we try to fill it with things that can not there abide
so we grow cold and close up never again to try
never once looking up to see the comfort in the skies
so I guess all I can say to you are these simple few words of truth,
I was blinded and now I stand as living proof
God is able, wiling and ready to step in
all you have to do is take the first step to begin.
the one who is always sad and grey
she looked at me but as if she did not know
acting like all is well and her endless pain did not show.
what is it that she fears will happen if she lets it all go
Our merciful, mighty and able God does she just not really know?
how can we see so much without understanding its meaning deep down inside
and how can we understand and not see the work of our heavenly guide?
what can I say that would make anything different to her heart
I guess just being there to listen is where I could start.
maybe changing her isn't up to me
or even for my eyes in this life to see
I just know I have been there, unable to feel
wanting so much but not knowing how to begin to heal.
struggling to see anything past my completely devastated life
past the heartache, disappointment, fear and daily strife.
Then one day, with a word, it all just changed for me
the sorrow I heard finally brought me to my knees.
I don't know why I am not standing in her shoes on this day
Thanks to Jesus I was changed and that's all I can say.
I understand the blind man and all he said took place
he couldn't explain it but it was written all over his face.
We were blind different yet the same he and I
now we can see and our eyes lift to the sky
I don't really know if the legals ever believed
but that blind man and I... the same gift we received.
Life abundant and free to live the way we choose to
my "being" bound together and His voice began my weary soul to soothe
I am because He chose to let me
and I choose because He is the I AM and now I see.
so, what do I say to the sad and grey girl?
Oh, my child deep inside is a hidden pearl.
One day I hope you too will see
That life is a choice to be made by you and me
It takes a step out of what we know how to do
but the reward is seeing the precious jewel that is you.
you see, each child has a special place deep inside
and as we grow we try to fill it with things that can not there abide
so we grow cold and close up never again to try
never once looking up to see the comfort in the skies
so I guess all I can say to you are these simple few words of truth,
I was blinded and now I stand as living proof
God is able, wiling and ready to step in
all you have to do is take the first step to begin.
May 20, 2006
And the beat comes down...
Well, for my first blog I am sitting here battling the constant "thumping" of bass coming from the upstairs where all of the kids (age ranges from 10yrs. -16) have come to hang out. At first, this may sound like I would rather it be any other way that here at my house, but honestly, I would put up with anything (just about) to know my kids can have fun at home.
I was one of those kids that constantly wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere but my home. I remember the "cool" houses that we all wanted to hang out at and how the parents seemed virtually uneffected by our presence. I think that's why we liked it so much, it was safe but had the "feel" of independence.
So, as we parents begin to grow as our children's needs grow, lets try and remember that we can keep them safe AND allow them to grow as individuals. Kids need a safe place to be and grow. If we provide that for them it becomes part of who they are and who we are to them. The cost is minimal maybe an eardrum or two, but the prize... it is eternal.
Thank you God that you provide patience, understanding and willingness when I don't have it. Thank you for the blessing of being a Mom and that something as simple as enduring a time of eardrum busting, bass thumping "music" can leave a lifetime lesson of love on the heart of my child.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
I was one of those kids that constantly wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere but my home. I remember the "cool" houses that we all wanted to hang out at and how the parents seemed virtually uneffected by our presence. I think that's why we liked it so much, it was safe but had the "feel" of independence.
So, as we parents begin to grow as our children's needs grow, lets try and remember that we can keep them safe AND allow them to grow as individuals. Kids need a safe place to be and grow. If we provide that for them it becomes part of who they are and who we are to them. The cost is minimal maybe an eardrum or two, but the prize... it is eternal.
Thank you God that you provide patience, understanding and willingness when I don't have it. Thank you for the blessing of being a Mom and that something as simple as enduring a time of eardrum busting, bass thumping "music" can leave a lifetime lesson of love on the heart of my child.
In Jesus' name, Amen.
May 16, 2006
praise Him in the storm
God, my most loving Father, You know where I am, You know if you have all of me and You know why I am in turmoil. I thank You that you have brought me to this place. This place I can feel, I feel joy, pain, love, anger, compassion, grace and mercy. Where here once was barren land you have planted a harvest.
I know, You are always working and refining your children to be more in Your likeness.
Thank you for bring me up, waking me up and showing me that I was mising it, I was missing the goodness of life. God you have crafted all things to speak your name. We can look anywhere and see your work. I pray that as I am working through this storm of life God, that you will use it to your glory and for your work. Father, thank you that no matter how dark the skies get, You are always able to burn away the clouds and shine ever so brightly and out shine any shadows.
Thank you God that You are able to hold all things in Your hands and that I can find rest in Your shelter. I praise you God for you are mighty, Holy and the Master of all creation. You are the Beginning and End to everything under the sun, You are God and worhy of all praise.
Father forgive me as I am blinded and don't see clearly, help me to submit my whloe heart to you for your glory and for your work. Teach me Father to love you the way I need to. You are why I live and breathe, thank you God for your joy that always comes in the morning.
To God be the glory forever, Amen.
I know, You are always working and refining your children to be more in Your likeness.
Thank you for bring me up, waking me up and showing me that I was mising it, I was missing the goodness of life. God you have crafted all things to speak your name. We can look anywhere and see your work. I pray that as I am working through this storm of life God, that you will use it to your glory and for your work. Father, thank you that no matter how dark the skies get, You are always able to burn away the clouds and shine ever so brightly and out shine any shadows.
Thank you God that You are able to hold all things in Your hands and that I can find rest in Your shelter. I praise you God for you are mighty, Holy and the Master of all creation. You are the Beginning and End to everything under the sun, You are God and worhy of all praise.
Father forgive me as I am blinded and don't see clearly, help me to submit my whloe heart to you for your glory and for your work. Teach me Father to love you the way I need to. You are why I live and breathe, thank you God for your joy that always comes in the morning.
To God be the glory forever, Amen.
An OCCUPIED heart
Wow, what a time I have had... ever been so raw with emotion yet too numb to care? I keep telling myself that I am okay and that this too, is a season. I am loved, do love and definitely know from whom all life flows. Yet, here I am again. Stuck or really... better yet, unwilling to do what I know God wants of me.
Gosh, after all I have come through you'd think I would be asking "how high" when I heard my Father in heaven say jump. Sadly, in my reality today... I am unwilling. What does that mean that I hear Him clearly and still, my answer is no? Yes, I can hear you... I am asking for it, I know. I also know what God is able and very willing to do to get me where He wants me.
Pruning me? Well, ,maybe this is a time of stretching, growing and change. I don't know yet but I do know that I can worship, pray and be still yet, I am still unwilling to surrender all of me. Does that make me like Cain? Are my offerings tainted because of my fear, unwillingness, and disobedience? Or is this too a lesson to be learned from?
I don't doubt my father's unchanging love for me or my worth but I am beginning to doubt my heart. Am I or have I ever been able to completely surrender my everything... all my "stuff" fears, hurt, anger and rebellion?
When do we know when it's all gone, that our heart is completely unoccupied by anything else but God's love, grace and mercy?
Gosh, after all I have come through you'd think I would be asking "how high" when I heard my Father in heaven say jump. Sadly, in my reality today... I am unwilling. What does that mean that I hear Him clearly and still, my answer is no? Yes, I can hear you... I am asking for it, I know. I also know what God is able and very willing to do to get me where He wants me.
Pruning me? Well, ,maybe this is a time of stretching, growing and change. I don't know yet but I do know that I can worship, pray and be still yet, I am still unwilling to surrender all of me. Does that make me like Cain? Are my offerings tainted because of my fear, unwillingness, and disobedience? Or is this too a lesson to be learned from?
I don't doubt my father's unchanging love for me or my worth but I am beginning to doubt my heart. Am I or have I ever been able to completely surrender my everything... all my "stuff" fears, hurt, anger and rebellion?
When do we know when it's all gone, that our heart is completely unoccupied by anything else but God's love, grace and mercy?
April 10, 2006
an unexpected refuge
I think we all go through times of weakness, being in the state of "just here" or overwhelmed among other things. Well, today I was... I have been these things before but today I needed strength and I didn't have it. It was given freely to me and nothing, no expectations were given. Free protection, an umbrella that took the fiery darts for me when I couldn't. God does give us everything we need in Him but He also provides strength in those around us. I don't think I will ever forget what happened today, not any of it, but the power and freedom I felt being sheltered by an unexpected source was a true and pure gift. You know what... they had no idea how I was impacted, if at all. The storm lost all power over me in the arms of an unexpected refuge today.
The war is now...
Today was full of everything from a celebration palm dance, the Lord's supper, traditional music,mixed with some very real life serious issues, wonderful worship, great rest and then BAM! the bottom fell out.
The oppression in the room was so evident that no one could deny it, we had to take time for prayer. As that time began, it was as if we were fighting on the front lines with the angels of God in the spiritual realm.
To back up just a little, the spiritual war being fought continuously in the heavens is not new information to me. I have known that there are very real evil demons just waiting to kill our very purpose, to rob us from life and slowly gnawing away at anything good, joyful or with promise. For a long time I lived thinking that evil reigned and was more powerful than God, I lived in a constant state of fear that controlled everything I did.
In my darkest despair a voice, an unmistakable voice, soothed my tortured soul. Jesus stepped in and asked me, "how long will you choose to suffer?" In that voice there was a sorrow, a comfort that said to me He was able to completely understand. He knew it all and still was calling to me, He wanted me and He didn't have to. In that moment, I knew that satan had lost his grip on my very being. I had been convinced that the life I lived was the life I deserved and maybe that is true but... I had found the fountain of life and wanted to explore all that it poured out. God had won my heart.
So, we know I was not startled today when the topic of the spiritual realm and the life and death fight that goes on every second of everyday 24/7 was spoken.
However, today was different. As I prayed, in my spirit something happened... I can't explain it, and well... I will sound like I have lost my mind but here it goes... for a moment, a flash, It was like I was there - I felt the intense hatres and soul focused fierceness of the enemy. Their only purpose is to destroy anything and everything that has even the smallest potential to be good... and when they fear they are losing their grip... that is what shook me to my core. it was worse than thinking that evil was more powerful, it was knowing someone hated me so much that they would watch me and when I am weakest, they attack, they look to hurt and break me, that's what they die for.
(Have you ever had a "disagreement" with someone and you just know they don't like you... it doesn't matter, if you run into them or think about it, you feel some kind of discomfort... times that by a trillion and maybe you can start to get just how much the enemy hates.)
I was completely overcome (still knowing I was in the power of Jesus Christ) I was just left with a disturbing understanding of how intense the battle it is. We know who wins BUT the battle is life and death everyday and honestly... I haven't lived that way, Do you?
The oppression in the room was so evident that no one could deny it, we had to take time for prayer. As that time began, it was as if we were fighting on the front lines with the angels of God in the spiritual realm.
To back up just a little, the spiritual war being fought continuously in the heavens is not new information to me. I have known that there are very real evil demons just waiting to kill our very purpose, to rob us from life and slowly gnawing away at anything good, joyful or with promise. For a long time I lived thinking that evil reigned and was more powerful than God, I lived in a constant state of fear that controlled everything I did.
In my darkest despair a voice, an unmistakable voice, soothed my tortured soul. Jesus stepped in and asked me, "how long will you choose to suffer?" In that voice there was a sorrow, a comfort that said to me He was able to completely understand. He knew it all and still was calling to me, He wanted me and He didn't have to. In that moment, I knew that satan had lost his grip on my very being. I had been convinced that the life I lived was the life I deserved and maybe that is true but... I had found the fountain of life and wanted to explore all that it poured out. God had won my heart.
So, we know I was not startled today when the topic of the spiritual realm and the life and death fight that goes on every second of everyday 24/7 was spoken.
However, today was different. As I prayed, in my spirit something happened... I can't explain it, and well... I will sound like I have lost my mind but here it goes... for a moment, a flash, It was like I was there - I felt the intense hatres and soul focused fierceness of the enemy. Their only purpose is to destroy anything and everything that has even the smallest potential to be good... and when they fear they are losing their grip... that is what shook me to my core. it was worse than thinking that evil was more powerful, it was knowing someone hated me so much that they would watch me and when I am weakest, they attack, they look to hurt and break me, that's what they die for.
(Have you ever had a "disagreement" with someone and you just know they don't like you... it doesn't matter, if you run into them or think about it, you feel some kind of discomfort... times that by a trillion and maybe you can start to get just how much the enemy hates.)
I was completely overcome (still knowing I was in the power of Jesus Christ) I was just left with a disturbing understanding of how intense the battle it is. We know who wins BUT the battle is life and death everyday and honestly... I haven't lived that way, Do you?
March 19, 2006
I went on a short trip this past weekend, nothing was really different except that I was more aware of the poeple around me. I flew by myself on the way there, I was seated next to a lady that worked in Oak Ridge. We spoke about our kids, hers grown and they just bought a convertible, mine very much still at home :) She was going to Washington to head up a panel for Homeland security scholarships. She was very interesting and well versed in the college scholarship dos and don'ts, very encouraging with my son's pending career as an undercover CIA/chef choice. We laughed and talked the whole time it was nice.
Washington is beautiful... something drew me even from the air. I have moved it up in my top 5 palces to visit even though I only saw one concourse of the extremely large airport, I am hooked.
on the second leg of my trip I met another girl. She too, has been running a million miles an hour in the wrong direction. It's funny, she had the outer package: young, beautiful, bright eyes, christian book in hand but, still very lost in all of the pain she feels. I instantly identified with her, we talked, shared, laughed and shed a few tears on that 56 min. flight. It was oddly refreshing for me. I left knowing she would be OK, but also knowing she had some long road ahead until she would be willing to forgive. Oh, how I wish there was a short cut to healing, you know, without the acess pain.
I sat around all weekend, shopped a little, ate alot! and slept in. My vacation was well used :)
On the way home I listened to my IPOD, the lady next to me was SICK as a DOG (hack, hack, cough, cough!) YUK!!! We did speak a little and it was nice. I just was reminded that people are willing to talk IF we are willing to listen (really listen). I found that I was blessed by just knowing something about my sky-high friends that mattered to them. For those of you that know me, you know that I LOVE to talk but this weekend, I loved and learned, a little better, how to listen.
Washington is beautiful... something drew me even from the air. I have moved it up in my top 5 palces to visit even though I only saw one concourse of the extremely large airport, I am hooked.
on the second leg of my trip I met another girl. She too, has been running a million miles an hour in the wrong direction. It's funny, she had the outer package: young, beautiful, bright eyes, christian book in hand but, still very lost in all of the pain she feels. I instantly identified with her, we talked, shared, laughed and shed a few tears on that 56 min. flight. It was oddly refreshing for me. I left knowing she would be OK, but also knowing she had some long road ahead until she would be willing to forgive. Oh, how I wish there was a short cut to healing, you know, without the acess pain.
I sat around all weekend, shopped a little, ate alot! and slept in. My vacation was well used :)
On the way home I listened to my IPOD, the lady next to me was SICK as a DOG (hack, hack, cough, cough!) YUK!!! We did speak a little and it was nice. I just was reminded that people are willing to talk IF we are willing to listen (really listen). I found that I was blessed by just knowing something about my sky-high friends that mattered to them. For those of you that know me, you know that I LOVE to talk but this weekend, I loved and learned, a little better, how to listen.
March 14, 2006
I met a girl
I met a girl just the other day,
she didn't really have much to say.
It didn't matter because I knew
Jesus was there, she had made the first move.
she finally found a safe place to rest
and gain the strength to start cleaning up the mess.
she can't say exactly where it went wrong
but now through Jesus she sees her life song
It's funny to hear her say things of the past
those things were done and will not last.
I think she's committed to make a change deep inside
and I want to help and walk beside.
Not too long ago, that was me.
maybe a little different to just see,
but deep inside we've all been there.
Desolate, hurting and in despair.
Until one day, someone walks into our life,
lends a hand, putting an end to all of the strife.
See, it's the same story of all the ages,
written, I'm sure on millions of journal pages.
It never grows dull when I get to see,
God come for His children through the feet of you and me.
I hope to meet another girl.
and help her see the hidden pearl.
The pearl that changes everything
and once again allows our hearts to sing.
she didn't really have much to say.
It didn't matter because I knew
Jesus was there, she had made the first move.
she finally found a safe place to rest
and gain the strength to start cleaning up the mess.
she can't say exactly where it went wrong
but now through Jesus she sees her life song
It's funny to hear her say things of the past
those things were done and will not last.
I think she's committed to make a change deep inside
and I want to help and walk beside.
Not too long ago, that was me.
maybe a little different to just see,
but deep inside we've all been there.
Desolate, hurting and in despair.
Until one day, someone walks into our life,
lends a hand, putting an end to all of the strife.
See, it's the same story of all the ages,
written, I'm sure on millions of journal pages.
It never grows dull when I get to see,
God come for His children through the feet of you and me.
I hope to meet another girl.
and help her see the hidden pearl.
The pearl that changes everything
and once again allows our hearts to sing.
March 04, 2006
That's our calling too!
"As kingdom citizens live their lives together, actually loving one another... such a community- whether it is a family, a few believers in a neighborhood, a network of business people, or a church congreation- makes a persuasive statement to an onlooking world that the kingdom, indeed is among them. The message of the knigdom is ampligied as its citizens live out their unique calling in community. As they do, the kingdom grows."
"...to live not according to the culture... but according to God's rule in (our) their hearts."
(both of these quotes are from, "The Insider", by: Jim Petersen & Mike Shamy)
John 17:4 "I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do."
That's our calling too! This is what Jesus said in prayer with God and if we are joint heirs in Christ... this too, is our calling as beloved children of God. So, as I am working this all out in my head I think about my unique calling ( what is it excatly - how does it play out in the world) and am I bringing God glory by completing the work He gave me to do? Are you?
"...to live not according to the culture... but according to God's rule in (our) their hearts."
(both of these quotes are from, "The Insider", by: Jim Petersen & Mike Shamy)
John 17:4 "I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do."
That's our calling too! This is what Jesus said in prayer with God and if we are joint heirs in Christ... this too, is our calling as beloved children of God. So, as I am working this all out in my head I think about my unique calling ( what is it excatly - how does it play out in the world) and am I bringing God glory by completing the work He gave me to do? Are you?
March 02, 2006
Tonight, I was privileged enough as to watch as a precious child of God stepped out of his own comfort into the "stretching" of God's calling.
I think we all get comfortable in our little fortresses of safety barriers. We learn as we grow up that the world hurts and from that, we begin the unhealthy practice of retreating into our self-built fortresses for protection from hurtful words, actions or memories. As we grow in age, sometimes we do the work to break out and live outside those walls knowing that we are vulnerable, yet trusting God at His almighty word...
(Jer. 29 - 11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and will bring you back from captivity).
(Gal. 5 - 1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery).
(Gal 5 - 13 You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love).
And sometimes we start to come out, only to receive such pain that we retreat away, and make a declaration to our hearts that never again will we allow pain like that in again. I have said it, and I believed it for a long time. Sometimes my heart still tries to convince me that I would be better off seeking refuge in my fortress.
I believe this is one of satan greatest victories over God's children... for us to believe a life in bondage (living in a fortress) is better than loving without limits. Oh, how it pains me for each soul out there dying a little each day because of this lie. Loving will hurt at some point and time, it's a fact. However, we can trust God and believe that...
(1 Peter 4 - 12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed).
(Romans 8 - 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose).
Tonight, I saw a beloved child of God choose to have faith and step out into the world again. It doesn't matter what happens now, because now, he knows the price of living shut off and closed down in a fortress. He has chosen life in freedom, paid for by Christ, in His life, death and victorious resurrection.
(Romans 5 - 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us). SEE... BOUGHT AND PAID FOR!
I was blessed many times tonight. I guess, I never tire seeing Jesus building His kingdom through His hands and feet here on earth.
(Isa.6 - 8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? And I said, Here am I. Send me)!
I think we all struggle with "issues", our past or thorns in our sides. We all have many reasons we could use as, why NOT to go... we only need one to just do it... God created us to go and make disciples. Here am I (all of me) send me!
(Matt. 28 - 16 Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. 17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18 Then Jesus came to them and said, All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age).
Thank you Jesus, that you pick us up out of the mire and bless us with the ability to extend, to another, the same hand that picked us up... Thank you for being full-circle.
I think we all get comfortable in our little fortresses of safety barriers. We learn as we grow up that the world hurts and from that, we begin the unhealthy practice of retreating into our self-built fortresses for protection from hurtful words, actions or memories. As we grow in age, sometimes we do the work to break out and live outside those walls knowing that we are vulnerable, yet trusting God at His almighty word...
(Jer. 29 - 11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and will bring you back from captivity).
(Gal. 5 - 1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery).
(Gal 5 - 13 You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love).
And sometimes we start to come out, only to receive such pain that we retreat away, and make a declaration to our hearts that never again will we allow pain like that in again. I have said it, and I believed it for a long time. Sometimes my heart still tries to convince me that I would be better off seeking refuge in my fortress.
I believe this is one of satan greatest victories over God's children... for us to believe a life in bondage (living in a fortress) is better than loving without limits. Oh, how it pains me for each soul out there dying a little each day because of this lie. Loving will hurt at some point and time, it's a fact. However, we can trust God and believe that...
(1 Peter 4 - 12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed).
(Romans 8 - 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose).
Tonight, I saw a beloved child of God choose to have faith and step out into the world again. It doesn't matter what happens now, because now, he knows the price of living shut off and closed down in a fortress. He has chosen life in freedom, paid for by Christ, in His life, death and victorious resurrection.
(Romans 5 - 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us). SEE... BOUGHT AND PAID FOR!
I was blessed many times tonight. I guess, I never tire seeing Jesus building His kingdom through His hands and feet here on earth.
(Isa.6 - 8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? And I said, Here am I. Send me)!
I think we all struggle with "issues", our past or thorns in our sides. We all have many reasons we could use as, why NOT to go... we only need one to just do it... God created us to go and make disciples. Here am I (all of me) send me!
(Matt. 28 - 16 Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. 17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18 Then Jesus came to them and said, All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age).
Thank you Jesus, that you pick us up out of the mire and bless us with the ability to extend, to another, the same hand that picked us up... Thank you for being full-circle.
February 23, 2006
sometimes we caught up in what we "feel" from the world around us or things from our past. Yes, I get caught up quite often. The only way I have found to quench the "need" is to re-focus r change my perspective. I have to submerge myself in good and perfect things that are of God or point me to Him.
satan will use anything and everything to keep you feeling inadequate and unloved and that, is the days battle for you. Will you let the opposition's lies and schemes sink in to defeat or will you trust and believe the only truth there is and behole victory? It seems like a black and white answer doesn't it? Well, it is "A BATTLE" there is nothing easy or black and white about it. All we can do is CLING TO WHAT WE KNOW IS TRUE and react from there. Do I fail a million times a day? YES! but do I find stength with every victory? YES! Your Father has everything you need all you have to do is ask. He is faithful and true to answer you. So, take time out to go somewhere that you can, and pray...walk, get on your knees, sit, go to the altar... whatever it takes; do it, and I know you will find Him and exactly what you seek.
satan will use anything and everything to keep you feeling inadequate and unloved and that, is the days battle for you. Will you let the opposition's lies and schemes sink in to defeat or will you trust and believe the only truth there is and behole victory? It seems like a black and white answer doesn't it? Well, it is "A BATTLE" there is nothing easy or black and white about it. All we can do is CLING TO WHAT WE KNOW IS TRUE and react from there. Do I fail a million times a day? YES! but do I find stength with every victory? YES! Your Father has everything you need all you have to do is ask. He is faithful and true to answer you. So, take time out to go somewhere that you can, and pray...walk, get on your knees, sit, go to the altar... whatever it takes; do it, and I know you will find Him and exactly what you seek.
February 20, 2006
Fear.... did you know that fear can rush over you and paralyze you, or it can slowly suck the life out of you OR it can put on a mask and become a companion... any way you look at it, fear is destructive.
Now what do we know about fear? Well, it is not born of God. He calls us to fear only Him. (Ps.23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
PS.27:The LORD is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?)
In fact, we are to: Ps.2:11 Serve the LORD with fear and rejoice with trembling.
Fear takes on a whole different meaning to me in this text. For me, a "fear' of God is something that goes hand in hand with knowing that He is the Master Creator of all things and knowing that, with a simple word... it was done. His power is unparalleled, undefined and without understanding. He, is the great I AM.
Nothing, nothing in this world or in any other can compete with that. So? My fear problem? gone for now... the answer? being reminded of where fear comes from.... (see PS.23:4 above) evil. And as a child of God, what can evil do to me? Nothing unless I give up myself (my identity) to a lesser power.
With all of this you would think that I never struggle with fear and yet it is the foundation of all my doubt, struggles and sin. For such a small insignificant word it sure packs a load. Be alert and don't take God's word for granted, for it holds the keys to life in Him. Without it... fear rules and we are defeated.
Wake up knowing, that in this day, there will be battles to win and live to conquer on the side of God. And... when we get caught off guard? We remember how cunning and dangerous lies are and in rebellion we suit up with... Eph. 6:11- Put on the full armour of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
If you don't know the battles are there or you think you can ignore them?... you are decieved... be alert! - 1 Pe.5:8 - Be self- controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. This is a old but much needed re-NEW-ed life lesson for me and I hope you too.
Now what do we know about fear? Well, it is not born of God. He calls us to fear only Him. (Ps.23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
PS.27:The LORD is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?)
In fact, we are to: Ps.2:11 Serve the LORD with fear and rejoice with trembling.
Fear takes on a whole different meaning to me in this text. For me, a "fear' of God is something that goes hand in hand with knowing that He is the Master Creator of all things and knowing that, with a simple word... it was done. His power is unparalleled, undefined and without understanding. He, is the great I AM.
Nothing, nothing in this world or in any other can compete with that. So? My fear problem? gone for now... the answer? being reminded of where fear comes from.... (see PS.23:4 above) evil. And as a child of God, what can evil do to me? Nothing unless I give up myself (my identity) to a lesser power.
With all of this you would think that I never struggle with fear and yet it is the foundation of all my doubt, struggles and sin. For such a small insignificant word it sure packs a load. Be alert and don't take God's word for granted, for it holds the keys to life in Him. Without it... fear rules and we are defeated.
Wake up knowing, that in this day, there will be battles to win and live to conquer on the side of God. And... when we get caught off guard? We remember how cunning and dangerous lies are and in rebellion we suit up with... Eph. 6:11- Put on the full armour of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
If you don't know the battles are there or you think you can ignore them?... you are decieved... be alert! - 1 Pe.5:8 - Be self- controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. This is a old but much needed re-NEW-ed life lesson for me and I hope you too.
February 18, 2006
well, nothing of profound meaning to say but this... sometimes a routine trip is not "just" a trip. We had the opportunity to take our "sissy" to Dallas on a little whirl-wind trip to visit Grandaddy and Grandmother Splann. It was a great trip where Cassie had the opportunity to better get to know her extended family. Sometimes miles get in the way of the blessing of knowing family and friends as well as you want or should. I guess I had taken it for granted that it would happen but I am not exactly sure how I thought we would grow the two together without visits and such... Well, Cassie had said many times, while there, that she loved it and didn't want to return home. It was nice to see her hug on and play around with her grandparents. It was a comfortable environment with little distraction or hustle and bustle. We did alot but when we didn't... she was totally OK to explore outside. I thought we might have to go, go, go, all the time but then I was reminded that the best memories I have aren't of glorious places (those are nice) but it was more of the feeling of the moment.
Most of you reading this, know of my struggles to find where I "fit" and for me to go home and not struggle to find a place that still fits (or where I fit)... that made it more that "just" another trip.
February 02, 2006
a moment at the gym...
FYI... I have been concentrating on my insides for so long and just recently have I acquired the will to do some work on the outside too. So, that's where the gym comes into play.
Well who says you have to be at the altar to encounter God? I do not mean any disrespect but I have no doubt that when you ask (no matter where you are) that God takes it seriously and pours out.
I was on the elliptical machine working and giving all I could and repeating the few scriptures that I have actually retained about strength and endurance (by the way, it helped to have a former Green Bay player next to me cheering me on too - He was taller than me and three of me across). I had forgotten my IPOD with all of "MY MUSIC" so I had to settle for the junk they play... So instead I blocked all that out and went to God in prayer.
I didn't intend on getting into a long deep conversation because, for one. I had no breath and two, I went to prayer for distraction and strength. Let me explain that just a little, not just distraction but I know my relationship with God well enough that once I go there... All else passes away and it's just me and Him.
So He was there and we had an impromptu meeting (at least for me, He probably knew I was coming). I started out just thank Him for all of the healing and love He has poured out in my insides and that now I was updating the temple on the outside and only by Him could I accomplish such a work. Then I began reflecting on my time in the Karns HS office and praying for students that I saw but did not know. Then... The rain began to fall. God began to speak to me and ask me questions... What about THIS generation? Was I raising a child to blend in or stand out? Would my child be known as one of the "lost" generation? And on that note... Do they know that they are building a legacy as the Lost ones? Do they care? Do they know that they have the choice to leave their mark on the world or let the world leave it's mark on them? Do they know how valuable they are. Why are they so lost? Who will tell them? Who will lead them and how can we change the future our children are heading for?
Now with all of that poured out and me still trying to hold it all together, remember I am in a gym on a running machine with tons of people around that probably don't know that I am not crying out of workout pain but pain of the heart. I didn't have any way to write it down or record it so I called my husband's cell and left a message, then I called again and he answered so I dictated a little of it to Him. I just knew that this was too much responsibility for me to just HOPE I remember, so I did what I could at the time. I have been processing for the last day or two and know that God is doing a work and it's not just in me. He is laying this on us so... There it is. I am sorry I don't have the answers but somehow I know that God has the answers in us and we will have to seek Him and search our hearts to find the answers and lead this generation in the way God leads us. I think part of what He was saying was... Don't give up.
Well who says you have to be at the altar to encounter God? I do not mean any disrespect but I have no doubt that when you ask (no matter where you are) that God takes it seriously and pours out.
I was on the elliptical machine working and giving all I could and repeating the few scriptures that I have actually retained about strength and endurance (by the way, it helped to have a former Green Bay player next to me cheering me on too - He was taller than me and three of me across). I had forgotten my IPOD with all of "MY MUSIC" so I had to settle for the junk they play... So instead I blocked all that out and went to God in prayer.
I didn't intend on getting into a long deep conversation because, for one. I had no breath and two, I went to prayer for distraction and strength. Let me explain that just a little, not just distraction but I know my relationship with God well enough that once I go there... All else passes away and it's just me and Him.
So He was there and we had an impromptu meeting (at least for me, He probably knew I was coming). I started out just thank Him for all of the healing and love He has poured out in my insides and that now I was updating the temple on the outside and only by Him could I accomplish such a work. Then I began reflecting on my time in the Karns HS office and praying for students that I saw but did not know. Then... The rain began to fall. God began to speak to me and ask me questions... What about THIS generation? Was I raising a child to blend in or stand out? Would my child be known as one of the "lost" generation? And on that note... Do they know that they are building a legacy as the Lost ones? Do they care? Do they know that they have the choice to leave their mark on the world or let the world leave it's mark on them? Do they know how valuable they are. Why are they so lost? Who will tell them? Who will lead them and how can we change the future our children are heading for?
Now with all of that poured out and me still trying to hold it all together, remember I am in a gym on a running machine with tons of people around that probably don't know that I am not crying out of workout pain but pain of the heart. I didn't have any way to write it down or record it so I called my husband's cell and left a message, then I called again and he answered so I dictated a little of it to Him. I just knew that this was too much responsibility for me to just HOPE I remember, so I did what I could at the time. I have been processing for the last day or two and know that God is doing a work and it's not just in me. He is laying this on us so... There it is. I am sorry I don't have the answers but somehow I know that God has the answers in us and we will have to seek Him and search our hearts to find the answers and lead this generation in the way God leads us. I think part of what He was saying was... Don't give up.
My first assignment...
OK, this is my first assignment from my online writing group... It's so scary but I thought I'd share it with you too. Feel free to let me know what you think (good or bad)... That way I can grow as a writer.
Oh, the assignment? 500 words of description.
She was nothing like I had thought she might be. She stood about medium height with just a little hunch in her spine from age but, somehow it was distinguishing and added to her beauty. She had the most comforting smile: genuine and warm, not over doing it, just enough to put your guard at ease.
I had finally spotted her, she was across the room, laughing with a friend. I could not hear what they were saying but it was obviously a conversation shared between good friends. Her laugh floated over the room, it was so feminine and sweet, her eyes danced as she leaned back ever so slightly as if she might fall over from laughing so hard. It was surly an overflowing of pure joy.
She had perfectly styled hair of white, short and neat but not matronly a bit hip for her generation. Her blue eyes held an eternal flame of hope and love that just poured comfort over you if you caught her glance.
She donned a beautifully tailored suit of blue, prim and proper with a white laced trimmed silk shirt underneath, black shoes and beautiful accessories that made it all come together. Elegant is just part of ho she is.
As I walked across the room to meet her, it seemed as if my mind raced about her for hours, in just those few steps. I was nervous, as if she could see right through me but, with on glance, my nerves were stilled. She spoke to me in the most gentle but deliberate voice, one of strength and confidence.
She was much more mature than I but, she had a peace that I did not know, yet I longed for. As I got to know her more and more, my first impressions faded and the beauty I had thought about her was magnified. she is someone that I dearly love and cherish, She is my friend, Maynelle.
Oh, how I almost immediately envied her. She had grace, gentleness, respect and a confidence that was humble but true. And... she has a way of making you the most important thing to her at that moment, you feel like you have been heard and validated every time you talk with her.
As I have been privileged enough to continue to get to know her, I have found that all of those wonderful and endearing qualities I had assumed about her at our first meeting were not only true but also authentic. She is someone I want to learn from and learn I am. Since that first day of meeting, we have committed to meeting every week to talk and pray together.
Oh, that’s another thing to hear her pray. She talks with God in such a humble and honoring way, you know she is vastly familiar with whom she speaks. She encourages with scripture so you know that it’s not just her that supports you and believes in you, she leads you to God for the ultimate form of encouragement.
She is burdened for the broken and hurting and she is a warrior on their behalf. If she says she will be praying for you,… watch out something big is bound to happen. She is goodness, grace, and unconditional love, merciful, compassionate and strong. She is someone worhy of our attention to her example.
Now, as she begins to feel the symptoms of her age she feels and knows that her heart is able and willing but her body is becoming weaker and unable to keep up with her heart. She is frustrated and struggles with where she fits in now. She doesn't see that she is still everything that she always has been, but now, it is her time to receive from those who love her. Will she be able to accept the blessing?
Oh, the assignment? 500 words of description.
She was nothing like I had thought she might be. She stood about medium height with just a little hunch in her spine from age but, somehow it was distinguishing and added to her beauty. She had the most comforting smile: genuine and warm, not over doing it, just enough to put your guard at ease.
I had finally spotted her, she was across the room, laughing with a friend. I could not hear what they were saying but it was obviously a conversation shared between good friends. Her laugh floated over the room, it was so feminine and sweet, her eyes danced as she leaned back ever so slightly as if she might fall over from laughing so hard. It was surly an overflowing of pure joy.
She had perfectly styled hair of white, short and neat but not matronly a bit hip for her generation. Her blue eyes held an eternal flame of hope and love that just poured comfort over you if you caught her glance.
She donned a beautifully tailored suit of blue, prim and proper with a white laced trimmed silk shirt underneath, black shoes and beautiful accessories that made it all come together. Elegant is just part of ho she is.
As I walked across the room to meet her, it seemed as if my mind raced about her for hours, in just those few steps. I was nervous, as if she could see right through me but, with on glance, my nerves were stilled. She spoke to me in the most gentle but deliberate voice, one of strength and confidence.
She was much more mature than I but, she had a peace that I did not know, yet I longed for. As I got to know her more and more, my first impressions faded and the beauty I had thought about her was magnified. she is someone that I dearly love and cherish, She is my friend, Maynelle.
Oh, how I almost immediately envied her. She had grace, gentleness, respect and a confidence that was humble but true. And... she has a way of making you the most important thing to her at that moment, you feel like you have been heard and validated every time you talk with her.
As I have been privileged enough to continue to get to know her, I have found that all of those wonderful and endearing qualities I had assumed about her at our first meeting were not only true but also authentic. She is someone I want to learn from and learn I am. Since that first day of meeting, we have committed to meeting every week to talk and pray together.
Oh, that’s another thing to hear her pray. She talks with God in such a humble and honoring way, you know she is vastly familiar with whom she speaks. She encourages with scripture so you know that it’s not just her that supports you and believes in you, she leads you to God for the ultimate form of encouragement.
She is burdened for the broken and hurting and she is a warrior on their behalf. If she says she will be praying for you,… watch out something big is bound to happen. She is goodness, grace, and unconditional love, merciful, compassionate and strong. She is someone worhy of our attention to her example.
Now, as she begins to feel the symptoms of her age she feels and knows that her heart is able and willing but her body is becoming weaker and unable to keep up with her heart. She is frustrated and struggles with where she fits in now. She doesn't see that she is still everything that she always has been, but now, it is her time to receive from those who love her. Will she be able to accept the blessing?
January 28, 2006
Tempatation and the (not so) secret sin
I have this adversion to buying and doing what I say I will, when I say I will, and it is an area that has nearly destroyed my marriage in the past. I have many excuses about why I am like that and why I do the things that I do but when it comes down to it... I am deceived. Over the 16 years that I have been married, I have grown and improved in many areas including my thought patterns when it comes to money.
So, why the blog... because there is still something wrong, a glitch in my belief system, an unwillingness of my heart to change what needs to be changed. Oooh, that's kind of ugly, isn't it. I really dislike finding out that I am unwilling, usually... I am the last to figure it out. I have allot of "issues" and have been willing to change in most and, if not right away, then shortly after. Why is this particular issue so hard for me to give up? I know control is in the mix, rebellion, emotional spending and habit. So about everything I know of that causes problems is in the mix.
This isn't a new revelation I have been working on this since I realized that I was wrong and everyone else really WAS right. Again, what am I not doing? Well, for starters I don't ask God before I make a purchase, nor do I pray about my purchases before I set out to make them and, if I begin to feel conviction... I rationalize it out until the conviction goes and I get my way (so to speak). There is a "rush" that I get when I am angry, hurt or upset and I numb that by spending, regardless of who it hurts (usually me in the end).
So, what can I do to make the comfort of keeping this sin more uncomfortable than making the change to healthy stewardship? Well, first I can bring God into the picture, ask for forgiveness, repent and sacrifice my fleshly wants for what I know God wants me to do. Oh, that is so easy, I'm cured... NOT! The reason I am writing this is because I want to make it known that sometimes we have a lifetime of battles, a thorn in our side, something that FEELs bigger than us. However, little by little, battle by battle... I find (we find) that it IS bigger than us but, not Christ in us (that's how the war is won). I have to be obedient to God and in this area I am not. It all boils down to willingness... am I willing to let go of the "rush" and take hold of victory in Christ? I am not sure what the change will be but, am I honestly willing to trust Him and find out?
So, why the blog... because there is still something wrong, a glitch in my belief system, an unwillingness of my heart to change what needs to be changed. Oooh, that's kind of ugly, isn't it. I really dislike finding out that I am unwilling, usually... I am the last to figure it out. I have allot of "issues" and have been willing to change in most and, if not right away, then shortly after. Why is this particular issue so hard for me to give up? I know control is in the mix, rebellion, emotional spending and habit. So about everything I know of that causes problems is in the mix.
This isn't a new revelation I have been working on this since I realized that I was wrong and everyone else really WAS right. Again, what am I not doing? Well, for starters I don't ask God before I make a purchase, nor do I pray about my purchases before I set out to make them and, if I begin to feel conviction... I rationalize it out until the conviction goes and I get my way (so to speak). There is a "rush" that I get when I am angry, hurt or upset and I numb that by spending, regardless of who it hurts (usually me in the end).
So, what can I do to make the comfort of keeping this sin more uncomfortable than making the change to healthy stewardship? Well, first I can bring God into the picture, ask for forgiveness, repent and sacrifice my fleshly wants for what I know God wants me to do. Oh, that is so easy, I'm cured... NOT! The reason I am writing this is because I want to make it known that sometimes we have a lifetime of battles, a thorn in our side, something that FEELs bigger than us. However, little by little, battle by battle... I find (we find) that it IS bigger than us but, not Christ in us (that's how the war is won). I have to be obedient to God and in this area I am not. It all boils down to willingness... am I willing to let go of the "rush" and take hold of victory in Christ? I am not sure what the change will be but, am I honestly willing to trust Him and find out?
January 27, 2006
Midnight Ramblings
why do we wait to say things to people until we think it's the right time? Like, why wait until I sense my child is struggling to ask how they are? Or what about loving our friends... why wait to say what we feel until the "right" time or an appropriate time. Or even telling our spouse what is so special about them or reminding them of why we chose them and would again? Why do we wait? In a society that is so instant with microwaves, DVDs and cell phones what makes us wait for the important things?
I have a theory about why I wait. I think I wait to get down and gushy because I have to be vulnerable. I have to put myself out there where I can get hurt. Somewhere down the line I heard that saying your feelings for someone just ends up in hurt... Dad's, boys, friends and so on.
What a lie I have believed and what a blessing I have been cheated out of. For a long time I didn't commit my whole self to my husband because of fear that he would eventually leave. I have had many close friendships that have ended prematurely because I could not handle the change in relationship either by moving, illness or growth. I already know that I do not take well to change but I never knew the extent of it until I looked back at my family and friends. Where have all my good friends gone?
Well, I am trying something new, I will no longer hold my tongue out of fear and I will speak what God leads me to and not worry about the "IF's". I am tired of losing my relationships because of piddily little things.
My goodness, Jesus kept friends, He valued his relationships and He never refused love out of fear.
I have a theory about why I wait. I think I wait to get down and gushy because I have to be vulnerable. I have to put myself out there where I can get hurt. Somewhere down the line I heard that saying your feelings for someone just ends up in hurt... Dad's, boys, friends and so on.
What a lie I have believed and what a blessing I have been cheated out of. For a long time I didn't commit my whole self to my husband because of fear that he would eventually leave. I have had many close friendships that have ended prematurely because I could not handle the change in relationship either by moving, illness or growth. I already know that I do not take well to change but I never knew the extent of it until I looked back at my family and friends. Where have all my good friends gone?
Well, I am trying something new, I will no longer hold my tongue out of fear and I will speak what God leads me to and not worry about the "IF's". I am tired of losing my relationships because of piddily little things.
My goodness, Jesus kept friends, He valued his relationships and He never refused love out of fear.
January 26, 2006
again, I struggle. I struggle to maintain my freedom of thought when I am faced with major adversity, life changes or the possibility of being left behind. Really it's the latter, I can feel myself pull away when I am needed most in my relationships. I can't stand the feeling that comes when someone is moving away, ill or in any way "abandoning" me.
That is a huge word for me, abandonment, but God is teaching me so much about it. I am learning that sometimes... it's just not all about me and what I need. I am learning to reach out when I want to run and to have hope when I don't. I am learning to love when I can and for how long I can and what may come... so be it, I will no longer let satan scheme me out of deeper relationships because of fear. I know now what pits await me as I continue on the journey (instead of running away) and now I can find my freedom as long as I remember who is the victor and who is already defeated!
Thank you God for (again) reminding me who You are and who I am not and how to love without limits or fear. I praise You and worship You for You alone are worthy. You are my all in All. AMEN
That is a huge word for me, abandonment, but God is teaching me so much about it. I am learning that sometimes... it's just not all about me and what I need. I am learning to reach out when I want to run and to have hope when I don't. I am learning to love when I can and for how long I can and what may come... so be it, I will no longer let satan scheme me out of deeper relationships because of fear. I know now what pits await me as I continue on the journey (instead of running away) and now I can find my freedom as long as I remember who is the victor and who is already defeated!
Thank you God for (again) reminding me who You are and who I am not and how to love without limits or fear. I praise You and worship You for You alone are worthy. You are my all in All. AMEN
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)