to school or not to school...

Well, it is just so weird having children... they are all so different. I mean they can look alike, have similar dis-likes and talents but they are completely different creatures.

We have had some difficulties and struggles in the school area. We have had one child that is OK in that area, we don't even really remember having to teach him to read (I think he was born literate), but has a struggle in the social area. Then we have one that flourishes in the spot-light but struggles in academics... and THEN, we have one that doesn't hit any chart at all, out of the box, so-to-say.

What to do, what to do... how important is academic acceleration. What about just doing the best you can and keeping your heart in tact? I mean, what if you never make an honor roll or excel in a subject that doesn't include a ball. Where is the line and balance? Is there a balance of a healthy heart and pushing someone to do their best without tearing a rip in who they think they are vs. the amazing creature they were created to be. We all want to be good at what is put before us and if we constantly are being told we aren't meeting that expectation then what are we to do? Where is the balance? Do we drop our expectations and nurture what areas are successful? Do we keep pushing even when we see it has left a lasting mark?

To school or not to school is all about the bottom line... how important is the heart vs. academic performance? I know we have to seek anything to find out anything but what about HOW we seek. I am I still doing my job set before me by God if I take an alternate route? So to school or not to school?

And, while I am babbling... why can't our educator (as a whole) teach in all ways? It is proven and undisputed that all children learn differently, why can't we accommodate that without having to "modify" life for them?

I am, praying about this but my very human side is emotionally fueled and in need of a little dumping.

"it doesn't matter"

OK a little venting is good for the soul right? The phrase "it doesn't matter" is SO not what it seems. Honestly, Have you ever used those words and it really... really did not matter? I have heard these words from just about every person close to me lately and I could tell before they were uttered that whatever it was... it mattered! A situation you can not control... It doesn't matter; a friend hurts you unknowingly... it doesn't matter; a spat ends in a draw... it doesn't matter. This could go on and on, right? So why do we short change ourselves and just choke down our feelings and become complacent.
Is it a way of avoiding? Uh, NO - cause you feel it anyway and you have to deal with it anyway all your doing is leaving the other person in the ever-loving land of oblivion.
Is it fear? What are we afraid of, is it that we might not get our way, might not be validated or is it just if we don't address the situation that we can really pretend it didn't happen? Yeah right, that seems to work one out of ...never-times.
Is it we just don't trust the person with our true feelings? Ouch, that one hurts. Could that be a factor? Hm-mm....
I don't know the answer but I do know that when someones says it doesn't matter... it does!

blessings through a friend

Today is a good day, I have been trying to daily surrender my day, hour by hour, minute by minute to God's will instead of mine. Although, I have failed to respond at times... only when it involves cleaning :)
Last night I spoke something to a friend that I had never heard myself... I said, "you really don't have freedom when you are out feeding an addiction, avoiding responsibility or living on the streets ("living by your own rules"). Really that lifestyle is void of freedom; the addiction consumes all choices, lack of responsibility never erases responsibility just breeds guilt and living on the street... that is such a controlled environment because there is always someone telling you where you can sit, sleep, eat.... on and on.
So, what God said through me, sank in. I heard Him talking to me personally. Maybe, in my own life there are things that I view as freedom that really aren't and things or people I see as controlling me that are really here to give me freedom. Am I making sense? I don't think anyone is placed here to "control" us (as adults) but to help us by; leading, teaching and to walk beside us... definitely.
I can't choose for you, make you respond in a way I want or prohibit your will and nor can you do the same for me. So.... how do we identify the areas of deception? Well, so far God has been faithful to reveal areas to me that are functioning at a less than satisfactory speed. I am a bit hard- headed, stubborn and emotional so, I usually take the long road which usually does not parallel the "high" road.
Join me in the next few days or weeks in asking God to open the eyes of my heart that I might know Him more and through Him see my areas of blindness better.

Thank You God that You never grow weary of investing in us. Thank you that your will is good and perfect and that your plans for us are not to harm us but to give us hope and a future. I praise you and am thankful that you bless us with new and inviting days every morning. Thank you that you bring friends into our lives to help us and speak truth to us even through our own blindness. Thank you for never letting me forget from where you have brought me and may I continue to learn and grow in your ways. I humble myself in the knowledge that you are God. And I try a bit more each day to grasp the gift of Jesus that you have freely given to me and every child that calls you Father and believes.
Covered by the blood of Jesus I pray. Amen

Isn't it a good thing....

In Lieu of my last post I have to add, isn't it good to have a God that expects the very best from us and only holds us to what He knows we can do.
How many people in our lives have unjust expectations of us?
Maybe we have friends that think we have more to offer than what we do, kids that expect us to satisfy every whim, family that makes plans for us assuming that is what we want, a ministry that expects perfection from us, a parent that pushes us to exhaustion.... it could be anything.

Expectations are dangerous unless you are God. He is the only one that knows all of the factors in the big picture. I guess I am just so thankful that my God doesn't sit up in heaven and glance down every now and then. The God I know is down here and hands on constantly stretching and growing his children to their full potential. And yes, in that... comes discipline. Sometimes it feels like a roll of distant warning thunder, a gentle snap of the finger to get our attention or at times a lasting wrath that reminds of that our Father loves us enough to not want us to stay bound in sin. Ultimately, the decision is ours... that's the beauty of it all, He never makes us do anything He makes it our decision. He has provided all of our needs we just have to choose to believe Him.

So, both the loving, compassionate Father God and the righteous Judge on the throne are the same and both very necessary for our freedom and life abundant. Think about life without hope or someone that knows everything about you, past, present and future and holds you to doing you best even when you fail. What would life be for without a reason to want to be better, a hope that brings us to our feet in the morning or the awe that is the world around us testifying to His glory with every glance.

There's just nothing like coming home to the feet of Jesus to make everything right again.

What is it about God?

Ok so it's been awhile, I have been in process

What is it about our God, My God? What do I know or "think" I know about my Father in heave? Well, this is such a hard topic because we don't like to admit we might have wrong views of God but, if we're honest, we have a lot of ideas about who God is that are not God at all.

Okay I'll start, My most deceptive idea about God lately, has been that he is love and compassionate (which He is) BUT - I have ever so conveniently left out the righteous judge as well as our Master Creator He is also the taker of life. He is all of the good, perfect and wonderful things that we all adore about coming to the feet of our Jesus but... less we forget or dismiss the fact that we are to be held accountable to a higher way of life and a different set of values by a God that is easily angered and jealous when set aside.

Does that make sense? I have been so blinded by the goodness of God that I blotted out my own transgressions by assuming that the "goodness" of God covered them and maybe... somewhere deep inside me I even thought I deserved or was entitled to His forgiveness because I knew He loved me so much.

OK, for example, Let's say that I acted in some way irresponsibility and got in trouble. I am sorry for getting caught and the hurt I caused but, I never said to my self or out loud; "God, please forgive me I know what I did was wrong" (- agreeing with God that I acted out of His will for my life). You know what happens? nothing, you get nothing. In some cases in the Bible the person never felt the Holy spirit again because they did not have an awe (healthy fear or respect - another state of awe) for the mighty hand of God's judgement. Without a real respect for God the Judge, you can not have a healthy relationship with God the Father. His demand for us to follow Him is not a request and when we get to a point where you can look at Him and say... NO, I will not. BEWARE, His wrath has no comparison and will leave a lasting mark. Don't let pride, shame, ignorance or whatever it is get you to a point where God has to turn His face from you and let you over to your own evil desires. Whatever your idol, habit, addiction, baggage, pain, wound or assumption is... nothing has power over you unless you have given it over. Christ in you, Christ in me... we can overcome all things and live in victory but it is not free... the price? Obedience.

For me, I am studying the scriptures for exactly who God is in truth and getting the misconceptions, lies and half-truths out of my head and my heart, so I can know HIm more. Never again do I want to feel so apart and unconnected from my Father that I feel nothing.

Lifted or Shifted???

Well, here's a new thought to chew on...

When we have hurts, habits, hangups, strongholds, addictions; unhealthy patterns of behavior in general... can we shift them so they disguise themselves as something else. I don't mean we consciously shift them but the pattern shifts and we are fooled into thinking we are freer in an area of of lives than we really are. If that is so, does it not show the cunning abilities if our enemy? What more vulnerable a target than a wounded soul and to be so susceptible to the lie that you are kept in bondage unknowingly? Fooled into thinking that that struggle is healed and moving on to another only to find out they are one in the same?

Hmmm... I dunno, I am chewing this one down. I can see my past strongholds and how destructive they were to myself as well as everyone around me. When I wasn't in bondage to drugs, alcohol, whatever ( I still have difficulty listing them all), I assumed that they were areas of progression and freedom for me.

At the same time, I know God has provided healing and protection for me and my family but... I think that I was mistaken, God has required something of me all along but has seem my heart and for whatever reason, the time was not at hand... maybe now is the time for me to do the work that needs to be done. Maybe now, I am Strong enough to give whatever it is that I need to and to walk in victory with Him. Maybe, now it is time for me to dig up, dig in and clean out all my distorted views of God, hurts, and just the junk. Maybe now, I can be completely free from these unhealthy behaviors.

In conclusion, what I do know as truth is: God will never leave me or forsake me. As long as I am willing I don't have to know what my healing looks like or the full step by step... I can just go and He will be my guide and whatever comes up... He knows I can handle.... Trusting Him (that's my daily dwelling place, Trusting in Him).

Father God, Thank you that you know what we need, what we can handle and that Your ways are perfectly designed for us in mind. Thank you that you have lifted, helped and suspended unhealthy patterns in my life in protection of me. Thank you that you are trust worthy and Lord, help me to know what trust (your way) is. I desire to be healthy, productive and a blessing to You. Help me see that having You in me, with that, I can do anything (I shall not fear). You are worthy of so much more than I am offering to You, forgive me for choosing to put other things before you, being selfish enough to satisfy my own desires, and my lack of understanding the whole-ness of who you really are. You are Holy and there is none beside You. Thank you for Your constant provision, In You I can find anything I seek.
In the mighty name of Jesus I pray, Amen.

required or not...

Today is a new day and honestly... this day IS better than the day before. We sang a song in worship today and it had a line that says "Every day with you Lord... is better than day before". Granted, that is not always the case to the human eye but always the case when we are trusting God.

Today God's revelation to me was this, in all of my past addictions, hurts or habits... I was delivered from them. For example, today a man gave his testimony about how God just took his stronghold and it was not a major area of struggle for him anymore. That's how my addictions, strongholds, unhealthy habits, whatever you want to call them have been lifted. God's abundant grace has virtually erased these past oppressions for me and there was little asked of me... nothing like what I think this journey beholds for me to give. This sin of mine is different as in... I am going to have to be on alert and obedient 24/7. I don't think I have ever had to be responsible (solely responsible) for my actions. I went from childhood to adulthood under the support and protection of my Dad and from there, straight to the same in my marriage. I have had jobs but never sole responsibility for own well being or "not so well" being.

What I do know... God has me right where He wants me. I am still very shut down spiritually and emotionally but I know each day brings new opportunities for me to take steps toward change. This may be the first time God is requiring something of me to bless me with full restoration. So, step by step I am learning to praise Him even when I know know why... just thank Him honestly and continue seeking a relationship with Him and this time, I am listening... He has my full attention.

Thank you God for being so faithful in your love even when I am not faithful in mine. You do not leave your children the same for long. You are constantly growing and stretching us to be more like Jesus and even when we say "no"... you love us enough to throw us to face the fire on our own. Your timing is perfect and your ways are right, help me to engrave your word on my heart so that the knowledge in my head is congruent to the ways of my heart. create in me a resolve to join you in victory. Teach me Father, how to be the child you see in me.
In the mighty name of Jesus I pray, Amen

Psalm 42:11

11 Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

For I will yet praise Him - That's my start...

from a chat to prayer

What happens if you don't trust God? What if I see Him clearly in the good things like; healing, restoring, grace and blessings but not in the bad? What if I am too scared to find out why I am choosing blatant sin over what I know is good and true?
All of my life I had struggles (we all do) and I learned to coat them with other things like: drugs, boys, spending, eating... whatever it always turned out to be a self-destructive behavior. Then, I went to rehab and learned how to not take drugs or drink, I learned to flee bad environments and I learned to identify the problem areas. Still, with this knowledge I relapsed, my knowledge had changed but... It wasn't until I was saved at 27 years old that my heart began to change. So, what am I missing now?
I feel so stupid, I know the answer is simple but have not a clue as to what it is. I have always said that in my "issues" I have many branches and I can see them, change them around, trim them and try to control them but underneath is the life blood - the root.
So tonight, I start my reconcillation with God by admitting all that I know He sees in me. I ask for forgiveness for my heinous sin against Him and ask that He continues to show me the fullness of my choices and their consequenses. I give to Him my doubt, my inability to trust or be trusted, my wounds that I can name and those I don't know how to utter them aloud. I give Him the broken down, yet faithfully believing spirit that He has continiously restored and rebirthed. I give Him my fear of failure, lack of responsibility and my rebellion. I am sure that the list goes on and on but for this moment, this night, I am finally ready to give Him all of me.
Those of you who don't understand... sometimes we can be in the holiest of holy places or the pit of sin and still be holding back something God wants... He wants all of us, every part.
Trembling and unsure of what that means I do, I give all of me to my Father God in Heaven who no matter what is faithful and just and loves me despite what He knows about me. I praise the name of Jesus and lay my will at His feet. May my sacrifice of pure heart and given in the greatest of humility and honor. Thank you Jesus that you are Hope, my hope lies in your name. Amen

The processing....

Hi all, I have been out of commission for a few days because we went on a trip to see my family in Mississippi.

During this time I was so aware of my gracious blesssings and also, very aware that I am surprised by my actions and the entirity of my sin. I am learning day by day that there are many aspects to my sin that I never took into consideration. I have effected my children, my friends, those I mentor, and most of all my husband.

Well, actually... most of all I hurt God... I hate to even think about it. I basically said "no" when He continuially asked me to stop and repent... how does one come to terms with the fact that given all the grace in the world... I still said no.

I guess my starting point is reconcilling with God. Only then can I imagine honestly and authentically reconciling with my husband, children, friends and family.

I think I have a long way to go in grasping the whole gammit of my sin but I know God is faithful and willing to heal me IF I am willing. I am.

There is definately a HUGE shame factor that creeps up and it almost turns into self-pity or in some way doesn't take full responsibility for my actions. I am not happy to think that I could be putting my sin off on some excuse rather than being completely humbled and responsible for my diliberate chossing of sin over what I obviously knew as right.

I am very interested to dig in and find out how or where that selfishness comes from... I guess I have always thought as myself more selfless that selfish except when I over book and become a flake on someone... my other work in progress... time management :) (That one takes a breather- while I am learning how to have someones trust and keep it). Oooh, I absolutely hate the fact that the truth and my actions say... more selfish. Yuk! Thas one of my dislikes in people, I have no patience for utterly selfish people... maybe because it too much hits home???

I dunno much of anything right now but I am on my way so check back every now and then to see whats up, who knows whats next here?

my not so secret sin

well, my slump was self-induced and now is confession time for me. I have been in a virtual pit for many weeks. I knew from where it was coming but I was unwilling to stop what I was doing, confess and repent.
I don't know if anyone remembers my January blog entry "temptation and the not so secret sin" but, that was the beginning for me. My not so secret sin is overspending and then hiding it. It is truely an addiction for me and one unlike the addiction I fought with drugs and alcohol. This sin has had a consistant hold on me and is so embarassing to admit because of my past.
I am confessing this to you because it is important to me that other people understand that no matter what your addiction, habit or hang-up is... you are promised that if you endure and hold tight to the word of God, He is bigger than anything you will ever face. I didn't believe God. I was decieved for a long time, in that, because I "know", seek and pursue a relationship with God that I had everything I needed to have victory over my sin. Now, I also want you to know that God is capable of healing, lifting or just erasing any addiction, He is the foundation to all healing. However, sometimes I think He leads us to explore our addiction to learn more about who He is and how He can deliver us from our enemies, if we allow Him to. So, my deception was that I started to believe that I was powerless, it wasn't a big deal and that I had all of the knowledge but I was defective. I believed that here was something in my being that was broken... what a lie, a cop-out and light shattering truth I had tatooed on my heart.
This sin continued to grow and spread into all other areas of my life and was literally destroying me one day at a time. Still, I did not stop. I indirectly asked for help but in ways that no one could know what I was saying to them. I was completely enslaved to my sin, I was lying and cheating it was just ugly sin. I actually was choosing the pit, purchase after purchase, all the while knowing that my number would soon be up.
How can I do such a thing to anyone much less my beloved husband? I have struggled with trust issues and He had worked so hard to help me but now I see, I am not trustworthy so how could I possibily trust someone else?
I am just at the beginning of working all this out, I am seeking help and have totally confessed to my husband (after he found out enough to get me started).
I felt like I needed to confess to you too, because someone out there knows very well where I am coming from and child you are not powerless. I may feel powerless at times, and be heavy with shame but I am still a child of the most high God and He is stronger, bigger and more fullfilling than anything our minds can think up. He is hope and I need Him.
So, when you pray remember our family, we are struggling together as we progress through this process of healing and setteling an addiction, my addiction which has effected every member of my family, and a special one for my husband which has extended to me forgivness, mercy and grace that I do not deserve.

In His hands

mentoring, walking beside, helping someone out, befriending a struggling soul... these are all easy to say but a HARD life to live. Reaching out and giving something of yourself to someone opens up a door that no one wants to leave wide for fear of being hurt. Yet, someone did it for us, that's how we "get it", we see it, receive it, process it and return it to others. And now as we extend grace through leaving that door WIDE open, we first and foremost remember the gift of grace from our sovereign God but too, we have to acknowledge the human grace that has allowed us to have a softened heart for other hurting people and help us to extend the same grace to them. I have seen and experienced many different displays of pure grace from the Mosaic Community and as the road twists and turns I encourage my brothers and sisters not to grow weary. Choose to serve out of Gods love and His ability to love unconditionally -fearlessly. I am blessed to walk beside so many that truly grasp the wholeness of Gods grace, love and mercy... and can return it in the same way it was given, free-without expectations or hidden motives Just because He could, He saved us... He can save them too, all we have to do is serve and go where he asks... the rest is just out of our hands.

I am because He chose to let me

I saw her today
the one who is always sad and grey
she looked at me but as if she did not know
acting like all is well and her endless pain did not show.

what is it that she fears will happen if she lets it all go
Our merciful, mighty and able God does she just not really know?
how can we see so much without understanding its meaning deep down inside
and how can we understand and not see the work of our heavenly guide?

what can I say that would make anything different to her heart
I guess just being there to listen is where I could start.
maybe changing her isn't up to me
or even for my eyes in this life to see

I just know I have been there, unable to feel
wanting so much but not knowing how to begin to heal.
struggling to see anything past my completely devastated life
past the heartache, disappointment, fear and daily strife.

Then one day, with a word, it all just changed for me
the sorrow I heard finally brought me to my knees.
I don't know why I am not standing in her shoes on this day
Thanks to Jesus I was changed and that's all I can say.

I understand the blind man and all he said took place
he couldn't explain it but it was written all over his face.
We were blind different yet the same he and I
now we can see and our eyes lift to the sky

I don't really know if the legals ever believed
but that blind man and I... the same gift we received.
Life abundant and free to live the way we choose to
my "being" bound together and His voice began my weary soul to soothe

I am because He chose to let me
and I choose because He is the I AM and now I see.

so, what do I say to the sad and grey girl?
Oh, my child deep inside is a hidden pearl.
One day I hope you too will see
That life is a choice to be made by you and me

It takes a step out of what we know how to do
but the reward is seeing the precious jewel that is you.
you see, each child has a special place deep inside
and as we grow we try to fill it with things that can not there abide

so we grow cold and close up never again to try
never once looking up to see the comfort in the skies
so I guess all I can say to you are these simple few words of truth,
I was blinded and now I stand as living proof

God is able, wiling and ready to step in
all you have to do is take the first step to begin.

And the beat comes down...

Well, for my first blog I am sitting here battling the constant "thumping" of bass coming from the upstairs where all of the kids (age ranges from 10yrs. -16) have come to hang out. At first, this may sound like I would rather it be any other way that here at my house, but honestly, I would put up with anything (just about) to know my kids can have fun at home.
I was one of those kids that constantly wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere but my home. I remember the "cool" houses that we all wanted to hang out at and how the parents seemed virtually uneffected by our presence. I think that's why we liked it so much, it was safe but had the "feel" of independence.
So, as we parents begin to grow as our children's needs grow, lets try and remember that we can keep them safe AND allow them to grow as individuals. Kids need a safe place to be and grow. If we provide that for them it becomes part of who they are and who we are to them. The cost is minimal maybe an eardrum or two, but the prize... it is eternal.

Thank you God that you provide patience, understanding and willingness when I don't have it. Thank you for the blessing of being a Mom and that something as simple as enduring a time of eardrum busting, bass thumping "music" can leave a lifetime lesson of love on the heart of my child.
In Jesus' name, Amen.

praise Him in the storm

God, my most loving Father, You know where I am, You know if you have all of me and You know why I am in turmoil. I thank You that you have brought me to this place. This place I can feel, I feel joy, pain, love, anger, compassion, grace and mercy. Where here once was barren land you have planted a harvest.

I know, You are always working and refining your children to be more in Your likeness.
Thank you for bring me up, waking me up and showing me that I was mising it, I was missing the goodness of life. God you have crafted all things to speak your name. We can look anywhere and see your work. I pray that as I am working through this storm of life God, that you will use it to your glory and for your work. Father, thank you that no matter how dark the skies get, You are always able to burn away the clouds and shine ever so brightly and out shine any shadows.

Thank you God that You are able to hold all things in Your hands and that I can find rest in Your shelter. I praise you God for you are mighty, Holy and the Master of all creation. You are the Beginning and End to everything under the sun, You are God and worhy of all praise.

Father forgive me as I am blinded and don't see clearly, help me to submit my whloe heart to you for your glory and for your work. Teach me Father to love you the way I need to. You are why I live and breathe, thank you God for your joy that always comes in the morning.

To God be the glory forever, Amen.

An OCCUPIED heart

Wow, what a time I have had... ever been so raw with emotion yet too numb to care? I keep telling myself that I am okay and that this too, is a season. I am loved, do love and definitely know from whom all life flows. Yet, here I am again. Stuck or really... better yet, unwilling to do what I know God wants of me.
Gosh, after all I have come through you'd think I would be asking "how high" when I heard my Father in heaven say jump. Sadly, in my reality today... I am unwilling. What does that mean that I hear Him clearly and still, my answer is no? Yes, I can hear you... I am asking for it, I know. I also know what God is able and very willing to do to get me where He wants me.
Pruning me? Well, ,maybe this is a time of stretching, growing and change. I don't know yet but I do know that I can worship, pray and be still yet, I am still unwilling to surrender all of me. Does that make me like Cain? Are my offerings tainted because of my fear, unwillingness, and disobedience? Or is this too a lesson to be learned from?
I don't doubt my father's unchanging love for me or my worth but I am beginning to doubt my heart. Am I or have I ever been able to completely surrender my everything... all my "stuff" fears, hurt, anger and rebellion?
When do we know when it's all gone, that our heart is completely unoccupied by anything else but God's love, grace and mercy?

an unexpected refuge

I think we all go through times of weakness, being in the state of "just here" or overwhelmed among other things. Well, today I was... I have been these things before but today I needed strength and I didn't have it. It was given freely to me and nothing, no expectations were given. Free protection, an umbrella that took the fiery darts for me when I couldn't. God does give us everything we need in Him but He also provides strength in those around us. I don't think I will ever forget what happened today, not any of it, but the power and freedom I felt being sheltered by an unexpected source was a true and pure gift. You know what... they had no idea how I was impacted, if at all. The storm lost all power over me in the arms of an unexpected refuge today.

The war is now...

Today was full of everything from a celebration palm dance, the Lord's supper, traditional music,mixed with some very real life serious issues, wonderful worship, great rest and then BAM! the bottom fell out.

The oppression in the room was so evident that no one could deny it, we had to take time for prayer. As that time began, it was as if we were fighting on the front lines with the angels of God in the spiritual realm.

To back up just a little, the spiritual war being fought continuously in the heavens is not new information to me. I have known that there are very real evil demons just waiting to kill our very purpose, to rob us from life and slowly gnawing away at anything good, joyful or with promise. For a long time I lived thinking that evil reigned and was more powerful than God, I lived in a constant state of fear that controlled everything I did.

In my darkest despair a voice, an unmistakable voice, soothed my tortured soul. Jesus stepped in and asked me, "how long will you choose to suffer?" In that voice there was a sorrow, a comfort that said to me He was able to completely understand. He knew it all and still was calling to me, He wanted me and He didn't have to. In that moment, I knew that satan had lost his grip on my very being. I had been convinced that the life I lived was the life I deserved and maybe that is true but... I had found the fountain of life and wanted to explore all that it poured out. God had won my heart.

So, we know I was not startled today when the topic of the spiritual realm and the life and death fight that goes on every second of everyday 24/7 was spoken.
However, today was different. As I prayed, in my spirit something happened... I can't explain it, and well... I will sound like I have lost my mind but here it goes... for a moment, a flash, It was like I was there - I felt the intense hatres and soul focused fierceness of the enemy. Their only purpose is to destroy anything and everything that has even the smallest potential to be good... and when they fear they are losing their grip... that is what shook me to my core. it was worse than thinking that evil was more powerful, it was knowing someone hated me so much that they would watch me and when I am weakest, they attack, they look to hurt and break me, that's what they die for.

(Have you ever had a "disagreement" with someone and you just know they don't like you... it doesn't matter, if you run into them or think about it, you feel some kind of discomfort... times that by a trillion and maybe you can start to get just how much the enemy hates.)

I was completely overcome (still knowing I was in the power of Jesus Christ) I was just left with a disturbing understanding of how intense the battle it is. We know who wins BUT the battle is life and death everyday and honestly... I haven't lived that way, Do you?

I went on a short trip this past weekend, nothing was really different except that I was more aware of the poeple around me. I flew by myself on the way there, I was seated next to a lady that worked in Oak Ridge. We spoke about our kids, hers grown and they just bought a convertible, mine very much still at home :) She was going to Washington to head up a panel for Homeland security scholarships. She was very interesting and well versed in the college scholarship dos and don'ts, very encouraging with my son's pending career as an undercover CIA/chef choice. We laughed and talked the whole time it was nice.
Washington is beautiful... something drew me even from the air. I have moved it up in my top 5 palces to visit even though I only saw one concourse of the extremely large airport, I am hooked.
on the second leg of my trip I met another girl. She too, has been running a million miles an hour in the wrong direction. It's funny, she had the outer package: young, beautiful, bright eyes, christian book in hand but, still very lost in all of the pain she feels. I instantly identified with her, we talked, shared, laughed and shed a few tears on that 56 min. flight. It was oddly refreshing for me. I left knowing she would be OK, but also knowing she had some long road ahead until she would be willing to forgive. Oh, how I wish there was a short cut to healing, you know, without the acess pain.
I sat around all weekend, shopped a little, ate alot! and slept in. My vacation was well used :)
On the way home I listened to my IPOD, the lady next to me was SICK as a DOG (hack, hack, cough, cough!) YUK!!! We did speak a little and it was nice. I just was reminded that people are willing to talk IF we are willing to listen (really listen). I found that I was blessed by just knowing something about my sky-high friends that mattered to them. For those of you that know me, you know that I LOVE to talk but this weekend, I loved and learned, a little better, how to listen.

I met a girl

I met a girl just the other day,
she didn't really have much to say.
It didn't matter because I knew
Jesus was there, she had made the first move.
she finally found a safe place to rest
and gain the strength to start cleaning up the mess.
she can't say exactly where it went wrong
but now through Jesus she sees her life song
It's funny to hear her say things of the past
those things were done and will not last.
I think she's committed to make a change deep inside
and I want to help and walk beside.
Not too long ago, that was me.
maybe a little different to just see,
but deep inside we've all been there.
Desolate, hurting and in despair.
Until one day, someone walks into our life,
lends a hand, putting an end to all of the strife.
See, it's the same story of all the ages,
written, I'm sure on millions of journal pages.
It never grows dull when I get to see,
God come for His children through the feet of you and me.
I hope to meet another girl.
and help her see the hidden pearl.
The pearl that changes everything
and once again allows our hearts to sing.

That's our calling too!

"As kingdom citizens live their lives together, actually loving one another... such a community- whether it is a family, a few believers in a neighborhood, a network of business people, or a church congreation- makes a persuasive statement to an onlooking world that the kingdom, indeed is among them. The message of the knigdom is ampligied as its citizens live out their unique calling in community. As they do, the kingdom grows."

"...to live not according to the culture... but according to God's rule in (our) their hearts."
(both of these quotes are from, "The Insider", by: Jim Petersen & Mike Shamy)

John 17:4 "I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do."

That's our calling too! This is what Jesus said in prayer with God and if we are joint heirs in Christ... this too, is our calling as beloved children of God. So, as I am working this all out in my head I think about my unique calling ( what is it excatly - how does it play out in the world) and am I bringing God glory by completing the work He gave me to do? Are you?

Tonight, I was privileged enough as to watch as a precious child of God stepped out of his own comfort into the "stretching" of God's calling.

I think we all get comfortable in our little fortresses of safety barriers. We learn as we grow up that the world hurts and from that, we begin the unhealthy practice of retreating into our self-built fortresses for protection from hurtful words, actions or memories. As we grow in age, sometimes we do the work to break out and live outside those walls knowing that we are vulnerable, yet trusting God at His almighty word...

(Jer. 29 - 11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and will bring you back from captivity).
(Gal. 5 - 1 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery).
(Gal 5 - 13 You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love).

And sometimes we start to come out, only to receive such pain that we retreat away, and make a declaration to our hearts that never again will we allow pain like that in again. I have said it, and I believed it for a long time. Sometimes my heart still tries to convince me that I would be better off seeking refuge in my fortress.

I believe this is one of satan greatest victories over God's children... for us to believe a life in bondage (living in a fortress) is better than loving without limits. Oh, how it pains me for each soul out there dying a little each day because of this lie. Loving will hurt at some point and time, it's a fact. However, we can trust God and believe that...

(1 Peter 4 - 12 Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. 13 But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed).
(Romans 8 - 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose).

Tonight, I saw a beloved child of God choose to have faith and step out into the world again. It doesn't matter what happens now, because now, he knows the price of living shut off and closed down in a fortress. He has chosen life in freedom, paid for by Christ, in His life, death and victorious resurrection.

(Romans 5 - 8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us). SEE... BOUGHT AND PAID FOR!

I was blessed many times tonight. I guess, I never tire seeing Jesus building His kingdom through His hands and feet here on earth.

(Isa.6 - 8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, Whom shall I send? And who will go for us? And I said, Here am I. Send me)!

I think we all struggle with "issues", our past or thorns in our sides. We all have many reasons we could use as, why NOT to go... we only need one to just do it... God created us to go and make disciples. Here am I (all of me) send me!

(Matt. 28 - 16 Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. 17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18 Then Jesus came to them and said, All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age).

Thank you Jesus, that you pick us up out of the mire and bless us with the ability to extend, to another, the same hand that picked us up... Thank you for being full-circle.

sometimes we caught up in what we "feel" from the world around us or things from our past. Yes, I get caught up quite often. The only way I have found to quench the "need" is to re-focus r change my perspective. I have to submerge myself in good and perfect things that are of God or point me to Him.
satan will use anything and everything to keep you feeling inadequate and unloved and that, is the days battle for you. Will you let the opposition's lies and schemes sink in to defeat or will you trust and believe the only truth there is and behole victory? It seems like a black and white answer doesn't it? Well, it is "A BATTLE" there is nothing easy or black and white about it. All we can do is CLING TO WHAT WE KNOW IS TRUE and react from there. Do I fail a million times a day? YES! but do I find stength with every victory? YES! Your Father has everything you need all you have to do is ask. He is faithful and true to answer you. So, take time out to go somewhere that you can, and pray...walk, get on your knees, sit, go to the altar... whatever it takes; do it, and I know you will find Him and exactly what you seek.

Fear.... did you know that fear can rush over you and paralyze you, or it can slowly suck the life out of you OR it can put on a mask and become a companion... any way you look at it, fear is destructive.
Now what do we know about fear? Well, it is not born of God. He calls us to fear only Him. (Ps.23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
PS.27:The LORD is my light and my salvation- whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall I be afraid?)
In fact, we are to: Ps.2:11 Serve the LORD with fear and rejoice with trembling.
Fear takes on a whole different meaning to me in this text. For me, a "fear' of God is something that goes hand in hand with knowing that He is the Master Creator of all things and knowing that, with a simple word... it was done. His power is unparalleled, undefined and without understanding. He, is the great I AM.
Nothing, nothing in this world or in any other can compete with that. So? My fear problem? gone for now... the answer? being reminded of where fear comes from.... (see PS.23:4 above) evil. And as a child of God, what can evil do to me? Nothing unless I give up myself (my identity) to a lesser power.
With all of this you would think that I never struggle with fear and yet it is the foundation of all my doubt, struggles and sin. For such a small insignificant word it sure packs a load. Be alert and don't take God's word for granted, for it holds the keys to life in Him. Without it... fear rules and we are defeated.
Wake up knowing, that in this day, there will be battles to win and live to conquer on the side of God. And... when we get caught off guard? We remember how cunning and dangerous lies are and in rebellion we suit up with... Eph. 6:11- Put on the full armour of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.
If you don't know the battles are there or you think you can ignore them?... you are decieved... be alert! - 1 Pe.5:8 - Be self- controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. This is a old but much needed re-NEW-ed life lesson for me and I hope you too.

well, nothing of profound meaning to say but this... sometimes a routine trip is not "just" a trip. We had the opportunity to take our "sissy" to Dallas on a little whirl-wind trip to visit Grandaddy and Grandmother Splann. It was a great trip where Cassie had the opportunity to better get to know her extended family. Sometimes miles get in the way of the blessing of knowing family and friends as well as you want or should. I guess I had taken it for granted that it would happen but I am not exactly sure how I thought we would grow the two together without visits and such... Well, Cassie had said many times, while there, that she loved it and didn't want to return home. It was nice to see her hug on and play around with her grandparents. It was a comfortable environment with little distraction or hustle and bustle. We did alot but when we didn't... she was totally OK to explore outside. I thought we might have to go, go, go, all the time but then I was reminded that the best memories I have aren't of glorious places (those are nice) but it was more of the feeling of the moment.
Most of you reading this, know of my struggles to find where I "fit" and for me to go home and not struggle to find a place that still fits (or where I fit)... that made it more that "just" another trip.

a moment at the gym...

FYI... I have been concentrating on my insides for so long and just recently have I acquired the will to do some work on the outside too. So, that's where the gym comes into play.

Well who says you have to be at the altar to encounter God? I do not mean any disrespect but I have no doubt that when you ask (no matter where you are) that God takes it seriously and pours out.
I was on the elliptical machine working and giving all I could and repeating the few scriptures that I have actually retained about strength and endurance (by the way, it helped to have a former Green Bay player next to me cheering me on too - He was taller than me and three of me across). I had forgotten my IPOD with all of "MY MUSIC" so I had to settle for the junk they play... So instead I blocked all that out and went to God in prayer.
I didn't intend on getting into a long deep conversation because, for one. I had no breath and two, I went to prayer for distraction and strength. Let me explain that just a little, not just distraction but I know my relationship with God well enough that once I go there... All else passes away and it's just me and Him.

So He was there and we had an impromptu meeting (at least for me, He probably knew I was coming). I started out just thank Him for all of the healing and love He has poured out in my insides and that now I was updating the temple on the outside and only by Him could I accomplish such a work. Then I began reflecting on my time in the Karns HS office and praying for students that I saw but did not know. Then... The rain began to fall. God began to speak to me and ask me questions... What about THIS generation? Was I raising a child to blend in or stand out? Would my child be known as one of the "lost" generation? And on that note... Do they know that they are building a legacy as the Lost ones? Do they care? Do they know that they have the choice to leave their mark on the world or let the world leave it's mark on them? Do they know how valuable they are. Why are they so lost? Who will tell them? Who will lead them and how can we change the future our children are heading for?

Now with all of that poured out and me still trying to hold it all together, remember I am in a gym on a running machine with tons of people around that probably don't know that I am not crying out of workout pain but pain of the heart. I didn't have any way to write it down or record it so I called my husband's cell and left a message, then I called again and he answered so I dictated a little of it to Him. I just knew that this was too much responsibility for me to just HOPE I remember, so I did what I could at the time. I have been processing for the last day or two and know that God is doing a work and it's not just in me. He is laying this on us so... There it is. I am sorry I don't have the answers but somehow I know that God has the answers in us and we will have to seek Him and search our hearts to find the answers and lead this generation in the way God leads us. I think part of what He was saying was... Don't give up.

My first assignment...

OK, this is my first assignment from my online writing group... It's so scary but I thought I'd share it with you too. Feel free to let me know what you think (good or bad)... That way I can grow as a writer.
Oh, the assignment? 500 words of description.

She was nothing like I had thought she might be. She stood about medium height with just a little hunch in her spine from age but, somehow it was distinguishing and added to her beauty. She had the most comforting smile: genuine and warm, not over doing it, just enough to put your guard at ease.

I had finally spotted her, she was across the room, laughing with a friend. I could not hear what they were saying but it was obviously a conversation shared between good friends. Her laugh floated over the room, it was so feminine and sweet, her eyes danced as she leaned back ever so slightly as if she might fall over from laughing so hard. It was surly an overflowing of pure joy.

She had perfectly styled hair of white, short and neat but not matronly a bit hip for her generation. Her blue eyes held an eternal flame of hope and love that just poured comfort over you if you caught her glance.

She donned a beautifully tailored suit of blue, prim and proper with a white laced trimmed silk shirt underneath, black shoes and beautiful accessories that made it all come together. Elegant is just part of ho she is.

As I walked across the room to meet her, it seemed as if my mind raced about her for hours, in just those few steps. I was nervous, as if she could see right through me but, with on glance, my nerves were stilled. She spoke to me in the most gentle but deliberate voice, one of strength and confidence.

She was much more mature than I but, she had a peace that I did not know, yet I longed for. As I got to know her more and more, my first impressions faded and the beauty I had thought about her was magnified. she is someone that I dearly love and cherish, She is my friend, Maynelle.

Oh, how I almost immediately envied her. She had grace, gentleness, respect and a confidence that was humble but true. And... she has a way of making you the most important thing to her at that moment, you feel like you have been heard and validated every time you talk with her.

As I have been privileged enough to continue to get to know her, I have found that all of those wonderful and endearing qualities I had assumed about her at our first meeting were not only true but also authentic. She is someone I want to learn from and learn I am. Since that first day of meeting, we have committed to meeting every week to talk and pray together.

Oh, that’s another thing to hear her pray. She talks with God in such a humble and honoring way, you know she is vastly familiar with whom she speaks. She encourages with scripture so you know that it’s not just her that supports you and believes in you, she leads you to God for the ultimate form of encouragement.

She is burdened for the broken and hurting and she is a warrior on their behalf. If she says she will be praying for you,… watch out something big is bound to happen. She is goodness, grace, and unconditional love, merciful, compassionate and strong. She is someone worhy of our attention to her example.

Now, as she begins to feel the symptoms of her age she feels and knows that her heart is able and willing but her body is becoming weaker and unable to keep up with her heart. She is frustrated and struggles with where she fits in now. She doesn't see that she is still everything that she always has been, but now, it is her time to receive from those who love her. Will she be able to accept the blessing?

Tempatation and the (not so) secret sin

I have this adversion to buying and doing what I say I will, when I say I will, and it is an area that has nearly destroyed my marriage in the past. I have many excuses about why I am like that and why I do the things that I do but when it comes down to it... I am deceived. Over the 16 years that I have been married, I have grown and improved in many areas including my thought patterns when it comes to money.

So, why the blog... because there is still something wrong, a glitch in my belief system, an unwillingness of my heart to change what needs to be changed. Oooh, that's kind of ugly, isn't it. I really dislike finding out that I am unwilling, usually... I am the last to figure it out. I have allot of "issues" and have been willing to change in most and, if not right away, then shortly after. Why is this particular issue so hard for me to give up? I know control is in the mix, rebellion, emotional spending and habit. So about everything I know of that causes problems is in the mix.

This isn't a new revelation I have been working on this since I realized that I was wrong and everyone else really WAS right. Again, what am I not doing? Well, for starters I don't ask God before I make a purchase, nor do I pray about my purchases before I set out to make them and, if I begin to feel conviction... I rationalize it out until the conviction goes and I get my way (so to speak). There is a "rush" that I get when I am angry, hurt or upset and I numb that by spending, regardless of who it hurts (usually me in the end).

So, what can I do to make the comfort of keeping this sin more uncomfortable than making the change to healthy stewardship? Well, first I can bring God into the picture, ask for forgiveness, repent and sacrifice my fleshly wants for what I know God wants me to do. Oh, that is so easy, I'm cured... NOT! The reason I am writing this is because I want to make it known that sometimes we have a lifetime of battles, a thorn in our side, something that FEELs bigger than us. However, little by little, battle by battle... I find (we find) that it IS bigger than us but, not Christ in us (that's how the war is won). I have to be obedient to God and in this area I am not. It all boils down to willingness... am I willing to let go of the "rush" and take hold of victory in Christ? I am not sure what the change will be but, am I honestly willing to trust Him and find out?

Midnight Ramblings

why do we wait to say things to people until we think it's the right time? Like, why wait until I sense my child is struggling to ask how they are? Or what about loving our friends... why wait to say what we feel until the "right" time or an appropriate time. Or even telling our spouse what is so special about them or reminding them of why we chose them and would again? Why do we wait? In a society that is so instant with microwaves, DVDs and cell phones what makes us wait for the important things?
I have a theory about why I wait. I think I wait to get down and gushy because I have to be vulnerable. I have to put myself out there where I can get hurt. Somewhere down the line I heard that saying your feelings for someone just ends up in hurt... Dad's, boys, friends and so on.
What a lie I have believed and what a blessing I have been cheated out of. For a long time I didn't commit my whole self to my husband because of fear that he would eventually leave. I have had many close friendships that have ended prematurely because I could not handle the change in relationship either by moving, illness or growth. I already know that I do not take well to change but I never knew the extent of it until I looked back at my family and friends. Where have all my good friends gone?
Well, I am trying something new, I will no longer hold my tongue out of fear and I will speak what God leads me to and not worry about the "IF's". I am tired of losing my relationships because of piddily little things.

My goodness, Jesus kept friends, He valued his relationships and He never refused love out of fear.

again, I struggle. I struggle to maintain my freedom of thought when I am faced with major adversity, life changes or the possibility of being left behind. Really it's the latter, I can feel myself pull away when I am needed most in my relationships. I can't stand the feeling that comes when someone is moving away, ill or in any way "abandoning" me.
That is a huge word for me, abandonment, but God is teaching me so much about it. I am learning that sometimes... it's just not all about me and what I need. I am learning to reach out when I want to run and to have hope when I don't. I am learning to love when I can and for how long I can and what may come... so be it, I will no longer let satan scheme me out of deeper relationships because of fear. I know now what pits await me as I continue on the journey (instead of running away) and now I can find my freedom as long as I remember who is the victor and who is already defeated!
Thank you God for (again) reminding me who You are and who I am not and how to love without limits or fear. I praise You and worship You for You alone are worthy. You are my all in All. AMEN

Have you ever heard the quote...

"then the time came when the risk it took to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"- Anais Nin

Well, that is so much the story of my life. for so long I lived bound by fear, grasping for some sense of control and devastated by pain. In fact, I chose it for a long time, even after I began to see how I was living I was too scared to change (I believed that it was impossible, I was too broken). I saw the fault of my belief system and still was terrified that if I changed that it might get worse so I settled for the torn life and the broken heart that I tried so desperately to hide inside.
That life was so defeating and horrible, until someone, that saw in me the potential of the beautiful blossom said to me, "when (not if), when you take down that wall I can't wait to see the beauty that lies on the other side." Now, that statement alone made it into my heart but, it was not until I began to see who I was that a change began to take place. It wasn't who I was, not in and of myself, but Christ in me. The loneliness was soon halted, the pain began to heal and I began to have hope that there really was more to this life than hurt, pain and disappointment.
So, from the time I can first remember, I knew there were things that I was better off not doing or saying to keep the peace. I can say that from my young childhood through my twenty's (maybe even my early thirties) I was more comfortable tight in a bud than letting go and becoming the beautiful blossom God created in me. I still struggle (often) the difference? I am willing to grow. satan has no power over me anymore and I am free to live from the heart God intended for me to live from. Does that make me perfect or without sin? NOPE! just willing, aware and ready to be humbly and mercifully refined.
Thank you Jesus, for loving me first and always leading me to change and grow.

Father creator, Master designer - I come before you humbly and of pure heart. Father, you are the only one that can grant grace, grant forgiveness and reconciled all things. I ask that, as I pray, if there is a stumbling block that will keep me from entering into pure and holy conversation with you that you would reveal that to me.

Father, there is so much that you are moving in that I am spinning with excitement. You are the perfect one, the only One and the ultimate beginning to all things. Everything should begin on your word, your leadership and in your ways.

Father, you have a child named Donald. You have chosen him to go into the world and share your heart with others. I suspect that this is a wonderful place but comes with some fear and some times of stretching beyond what we might choose or want. I pray for wisdom so he can discern your ways and keep on that journey that You are laying before him without distraction.

Father, I pray that as you have already prepared the way, that you continue to protect him from the schemes of satan.
I pray for strength and healing in the depths of his soul with every word He sings. I pray for him to have boldness, for Your glory to be displayed and him to do so as You would have him do (all glory and honor to You for You are worthy, thank you for the work of Your hands). Open his eyes Father, bless him abundantly and assure him in times of fear. Send him reminders of how deep and wide your love is and that You are willing and You are able to accomplish anything You ask of him. Let him know and feel how much you believe in who You have made him and that You know he is strong enough to live in victory. You have already created the way, all we have to do is believe and step out. You have done it! Renew him and let him soar in the spirit that you so willingly pour out on you children.

As the time comes for travel, I ask that you would surround the car with the hedge of protection, let their eyes see only your perspective and not look to the right or to the left, keep them close and in the safety of Your hands, As they go out, shelter the ones they leave behind,bless them and keep them safe.

Father, you are perfect in your ways... There is no better time, no need for more preparation and no room for doubt. God, to you be all the glory and may your works be displayed for all to see and let it be done in worship of you.

I am in awe of your constant care and endless flowing love, Thank you. With all that is within me I praise you for you are the holy God, my Abba.

In the most precious name of Jesus I pray, Amen

For Judy,.

A Mother's Love

A mother's love does not exist in a physical laugh or cry
nor does a mother's love ever fall away or die.
Time may pass
and life's journey may move on
but, a mother's love continues like the coming of a new dawn.

So in those times of solitude, hurt or despair
there is no need to go looking for it is always there.
A mother's love will continue to grow and live on,
long after this life is all but gone.

her love is in the peace you are able to give,
the morals she taught,
the smile you inherited and the lessons you fought.

She lives on and spreads her love deep and wide
throughout the generations with her example as our guide

So, as we prepare to say good-bye for just now,
we struggle to go on and may wonder how?

Just remember....

A mother's love does not exist in a physical laugh or cry
nor does a mother's love ever fall away or die.
Time may pass
and life's journey may move on
but, a mother's love continues like the coming of a new dawn.

I don't know why I get caught up in thinking that I have to have things all figured out to take them to God in prayer. You know, having all the words or knowing how to pray? I fall so short in my prayer life when I am confused or faced with an obstacle that I can't figure out. Or even more so, if I am hurt. I know that when I am hurt about something I close up and shut down, usually my words are "I am done". So, after all of the head knowledge that I have and believe wholly and the written truth why is my heart so slow or unwilling to prayerfully respond in times like these?
Like last week, I went through a time of deep depression. I was not sure exactly why I was sinking but it was clear to me, that something was not right and I couldn't help it. Did I pray through it? Nope, I tried to no avail to wade through it myself knowing that prayer was the answer but not going that route. I spent about 5 days wallowing in whatever it was until I looked around and saw what I was doing... God is always faithful to send me reminders and I finally grasped at one and started out of the pit. All I had to do was talk it out with God, I KNEW He was the answer but I just can't figure out why I did not go to Him first. Maybe I wanted to wallow? Maybe it was more comfortable than working it out... I don't know the exact answer yet but by God's grace and faithfulness... I am out off the pit (again) :)

My answer lies in Psalm 71:14 - 14 But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.

So, I praise in all things, when I know and when I don't. It's not a new word... it's not profound but it is the way out of hopelessness.

A Simple Manger

A Simple Manger

Since the beginning of time God has provided all of our needs,
He created a way to Him despite our selfish and sinful deeds.

A girl He chose innocent and pure,
a calling that held a world for her to endure.
He chose her knowing that she would be true,
she would bare he Messiah, no matter what she might lose.

She rejoiced and sang to the one and only Lord,
Not once looking back but obediently moving forward.

Joseph was a man with a great mind and much honor,
He took some time to make this decision he thoughtfully pondered.
He thought that he would do what was best,
but found that his spiritual belief would be put to the test.

God sent His angels to prepare the way
for the Holy Messiah's coming birthday.

Time came to travel long and far for the census.
Behold, in the town of Bethlehem, born the Savior, God sent us.

Everyone knew that this was like no other night,
for the star of the North had continuously shone bright.
Shepherds and kings had traveled on long journeys to see,
The baby, the Son of God and all he was here to be.

There were those whose intentions were all be true,
but already the baby Jesus, His prophecy He knew.

A tiny babe sent from God's loving hands
to come down to earth and teach us to take a stand.

Our Savior born in a humble manger stall,
came to wash us clean and to deliver us all.

He was sent to us from God's grace filled heart,
to make a way from His love never to depart.
This awesome gift given with out string from up above,
sent to guide us, lead us and show us God's pure love.

God made sure that there was just one way,
it would stand forever no matter where we might stray.

So if in this season you are finding yourself lost,
go back to the debt... The birth, life and ultimate paid cost.
Think about and remember why God sent His son in the flesh,
to renew us, love us, so we can walk with Him washed and refreshed.

He chose us way before it was our time,
to care and strengthen us to walk a fine line.
He gives us absolutely everything we need,
He asks us only to plant a seed.

A seed planted in the heart of those without His love,
A miserable life to live without the hope that is God above.
He calls us and woos us close to His side,
forever with Him we are now able to abide.

Again take a moment to re-live the awesome wonder,
Of the life of Jesus Christ and all that falls under.

Let that voice that tends to grow faint deep inside,
overcome us and teach us never again to hide.

Oh Lord; today please let your glory show,
that through these words all will know.
We will feel your call and the living hope,
that comes day by day as we learn to cope.

Let us see your passion and divine love,
That flows freely from the heavens above.

Show us, make us let us wholly understand,
the gift of life that was sent by your loving hand.
Let us take in, the grace that you showed us that day,
in a tiny baby, a simple manger... Making the way.

El-Shaddai -- The God Who is Sufficient for the Needs of His People!

El-Shaddai -- The God Who is Sufficient for the Needs of His People! Sufficient, meaning: Being as much as is needed. So, God provides exactly what we need, when we need it and how we can receive it. How wonderful is a Father that knows and cares about every intimate detail of our life?

For a long time I thought that God was responsible for my pain. I placed blame on everyone and I felt like since I hurt so bad, I was owed something... I was "due" anything because I endured the constant pain that I did.

Was my pain real? An emphatic Yes! Was God the one who placed it on me? No, I do believe that spiritual growth is accomplished through the struggles and pain that come along with some of life lessons and submission. However, in my case... I was responsible for a great deal of my own pain from my own decisions. I had some things that were naturally against me like; being adopted, adopted again, a volatile home, a mentally ill sibling, abuse and divorce. What most of this stuff said to my heart was: you are unloveable. So I became unloveable, I was bitter, angry and I resented anything pure and good because I did not feel pure or good - I didn't understand it nor did I think that I was capable of it.

How did I answer the lie that I was unloveable... Besides fulfilling that prophecy, I began using mind numbing drugs, seeking attention form guys, being the "badest" girl that I could and living for hurting those that I felt had wronged me. When I look back I almost laugh, I see it now, God drew a line and I never crossed it, not of my own will but His. I had already crossed every line drawn before me but, this one I didn't see nor could I comprehend.

What made me different than the girl who overdosed in 10th grade or the many kids that went to jail, lost their future or did something that they could never undo to themselves or someone else... What's the difference? I don't understand it but it's love. Does God love me more than those others? No, so what is it?

When people say I live because He lives... I KNOW that, not only as fact but, also as God's truth. If it were not for God seeing something in me, knowing that one day I would be used by Him or caring enough to never give up on me.. I would not only be physically dead, I would be lost forever.

Not too long ago, I told my husband that something in me was broken and I couldn't do anything else.. I could not change. I was unable to help myself or save my marriage because I believed this lie. I thought that if anything, anything else came out and I had to speak it, re-live it or talk about it, that I would permanently lose my mind, I would just shut off. I really thought that if I let go and just pulled out the junk, I would be unable to function forever, I would be too broken to fix.

Can you believe that lie? Do not be fooled, satan is just waiting to tell you the mother of all lies and he's good, it will be one that pierces your heart and feels like truth. Maybe you already have some lies in your heart... I am unloveable, I am ugly, too stupid, too fat, too broken? Take a moment and just ask God if there is a lie that needs to be uncovered in your heart. This process was one of the hardest things I ever had to do because I really believed that I was too broken and I would never be able to hold it all together.

Guess what? El-Shaddai -- The God Who is Sufficient for the Needs of His People, SHOWED UP! Little by little with the help of many different people God began to reveal to me that I was not too broken and that I was deceived. He began to shed some light on who He was and how much His love changed everything for me. I began to talk about my hurts, my habits and my (many) hangups. It wasn't easy, in fact it was pretty ugly and at times still is but, I began to see that there really was more to me than my pain. Having hope that there is an end to the pain was what I needed to spark my curiosity. People say that believing in God, accepting Jesus is the end to life... it's''s been an adventure like none I have ever seen or heard of for me. It has been more than just my life, it's a mosaic of: every sister and brother that has called me friend, my family, every class, teacher, every person who has encouraged me, every hand that was extended, every single person that God provided for me to help me heal. God never failed to provide what I needed, when I needed it and how I could receive it. He is faithful!

Is my healing over? Nope, but the difference is that I know who He is better and I trust Him. I know that I have a god-given purpose and those things that broke me... They are now some of my strongest areas of belief. I don't just believe in God, that might be boring but, believing him... Now, that's the journey! He is El-Shaddai: Sufficient for the Needs of His children!

Why do I write stuff like this? Because what God whispered to me in my darkness, I can't do anything but shout from the roof tops. This is my roof top.

All praise and glory unto you God, for you are worthy!

Reflecting on the season and realizing how far I am from that person I want to be is: at the same time defeating and exciting. I am discouraged because I know the only thing holding me back is me BUT I am encouraged and excited because I know, in every part of me I know, that God loves me. He alone is constantly molding and changing me to be more of who He created me to be. If I am not willing to go along peacefully, He makes a way and I still go along... Sometimes it is much harder and a much longer journey and sometimes I don't even know it's happening. What I do know is, He will never stop creating in me a pure heart as long as I am willing to ask.

That covers it all, I once craved and flourished in the darkness of a sinful heart and now I live for a God that can create in me a heart of the purest love I ever imagined... And now I can't live without praising Him.

Thank you God, for the gift of being able to hear my heart. I had shut it out for so long until, You came and spoke hope in and enabled me to hear.
For awhile all I heard were breaks and cracks but, you never planned for that to be all there was for me. The hurt was something I had to live through to fully grasp your love and healing. Now I can hear the beauty of who you are in me and the sound of other broken hearts. I can hear with ears that have been deaf and a heart that has been broken so now I too can proclaim the goodness of my father. Now, I hear the binding up and heartbeat of hope birthed in others as you begin to restore their hearing. Thank you Father for the honor of being a chosen child of the one that is the beginning and end to all, everything, forever... Amen.

Most high Father,
I humbly come before you with a pure heart and praise on my lips.
You alone are holy. Father, I thank you.
I thank you for those thing that hurt me so much I thought I could not take another breath. Because of those things I am stronger, more humble, more understanding, more compassionate, able to forgive and able to love deeper.
I thank you for those times you let me make my own mistakes and didn't save me instantly but let me learn the lessons of life. I thank you because every time I did learn a lesson, you were there to confirm that I was still you child no matter what.
I thank you for each tear that I have cried because without them I would not know that your grace is sufficient.
Thank you for the people you chose to surround me with, that they are all gifted and love me in ways that I need and have grown from.
I thank you that I am forgiven and that Jesus is real and alive in me.
I don't know how to say thank you with words, I don't think there are words enough recorded in all of history to tell you but, I lay my heart before you open and bare for you to search and know that you own this child, I am yours, all of me. Without you and your ways I would be forever lost, let me not ever forget the darkness you snached me from. May I be a light in someone else's path to you as you provided for me.

Driving today I was enjoying the beauty of the world around me and I remembered that the streams of sunlight that bound out from the clouds are my reminder of how mighty you are. Those streams are one of the first ways my children began to know who you are... We would talk about how after the storms God was faithful to give us a showing of his power to overcome by shining through and burning through the grey to shine out the silver lining. I didn't realize it but what a way to see God's glory and pass it on to little minds then in the power of who God is. Thank you God that I can know, that I can see, that I can proclaim and that I can teach my children just who is the sustainer of all things and how to call on Him... May you be glorified in the life of this child and may I be wiling to go and do every time you call me.

In the highest adoration and love of Jesus, Amen

What would have been if I had not chosen life?
I remember so clearly it all cuts through like a knife.

I was so lonely and empty nothing was there
I had been hurt too much to continue to care.
I went about my days like a leaf in the wind
just waiting around for it all to finally come to an end.

I had managed to fake a picture that sold
but on the inside all I felt was bitter and cold.
I set my mind on returning the pain
I tried everything I thought might help but it was all in vain.

Then that night in the crossroads of my life
I heard a voice call to me that there was an end to my strife.
for some reason this voice cut straight through
and to choose life is what I knew I had to do.

you see, I knew I was dying and it would not be long
but within that voice, was the sound of my lifesong.
right then I was given a hope that there was more
It rocked my foundation and shook my core.

I received that night a gift unparalleled in worth
what I heard next was the sound of my soul's rebirth.
In that moment so small, everything changed in me
I caught a glimpse of what it was that I could be.

I was no longer the "slow" one or the "fast" one nor was I the pretty one or the empty one
Now I belonged to the only one, the present one and the unconditionally loving one.
I had hope that the pain would end and love really would conquer all
and I understood that I would have to take down the wall.

I still have a hard time letting my guard down
but now I know that to it I am no longer bound.
Thanks to my king, my Father above
I can do all things with Christ's all encompassing love.

raising hands
thankful heart
worship at its best

tearful joy
pure adoration
worship at its best

entering in
thanking Him
its worship at its best

Romans 8:38-40

38 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[a] neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, 39 neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Doesn't that soothe the soul... No matter what, we are in the only permanent position we will ever hold as believers in Christ Jesus.

You'd think it would all be settled and easy with that known, written in truth and proven to our hearts daily. So why can't I love others like I am called to? What is it in me that I can wrap my arms around a stranger that is dirty, on the streets, capable of whatever... just completely unknown and love them, truly love them, but I can't find that flow of love for some of those close to me?
Why am I unwilling to just let God be that love for them too? What if Jesus had this struggle over loving me?
Okay, I know that history plays a huge part of why and how we react to things but when is the history excuse expired? When is history actually history, forgotten and forgiven? I have had to forgive my abuser and that was very hard but God made it possible and somewhere I became willing and now it is a strength instead of a wound. So, as I am taking you through my thoughts in this I am stumped as to why this is a re-occurring issue for me. Somewhere I am unwilling and rebellious. If I am God's child, I am called to love others, honor others and serve others. Honestly, I feel like blowing a raspberry at some of those that I am called to love. How do I suffocate out the bad with the over abundant flow of great when I am deceived in that area? I can't see the knob to turn the foutain on, I have cut the main line off and am at a loss as to how to restore full capacity in this area. I am truly stumped.
What I know... I won't stay stumped because I know my heart is honest before Him and He is always faithful. I know that this too is a growing pain to be endured and stronger from in the end. God knew I wasn't perfect, He accepted that in me and adores me as His child, therefore He loves me too much for me to be left this way.
I am assured of my permanent position that does not concern me it my carrying on the name that brings me to my knees. I feel so unworthy at times (all the time), I feel like I have no ability to bring honor to God when I have these struggles. Then... God steps in and says (something like...), it's the struggle that honors me, I know your heart and you are willing to grow in me, if there were no struggle... Then, that would be a shame. So, would God rather I come along peacefully and quietly? I bet so, but I believe that as long as I am willing to come along... He is smiling with joy.
Well, so I am still here in this place of confusion and struggle but I have just talked myself through the part that was lonely... now, He goes with me! That was it... I put Him out of the struggle and was trying it on my own... I should know better than that but That was my area of blindness. Now, I see!

What am I learning?

Well, what a loaded question... that is exactly the thing I have been sorting through for the last few months. God has revealed so much goodness over the last year or so as well as some areas of disobedience, blindness and rebellion. He is teaching me to be silent more often. In this, I am seeing more clearly that I can not make decisions for anyone else or try to make them see it my way. I hate to say that I have had a touch of arrogance to think anyone should see anything My way... Instead If I am seeing it God's way I have no pressure, no worries because then I am where I am supposed to be and not dragging anyone down with me when I see MY way is better than God's way..
I am understanding more about lifestyle evangelism and the entirety of that saying. My responsibility is to be God focused, God lead and God fearing. If I am doing this, then I am fulfilling my purpose as God's child.
Sounds like I am getting it pulled together doesn't it? NOPE! I struggle each day to give God the bare minimum of me and some days I fail at that. I could live ashamed but I know that in my heart something is turning and changing. I don't know when it won't be a constant struggle for me to give God my whole days and for him to become my true everything, all the time, no matter what. What I do know is that my goal and my hearts desire is to know him and honor him more.
I am learning discipline and I see how I used to think it was OK that I didn't have it... I usually got me responsibilities done. God is showing me that discipline is something more it is a commitment to follow Him in all things not just what I pick and choose upon how I feel at the time. I don't know if this make a lot of sense to you that may see this but, to me, it is another blind spot being wiped clean to begin to see clearly some truth not there before.
As, for specifically what am I learning from my burden for the inner city? That I don't listen to God's urging nearly enough. That I still feel totally unworthy and ill-equipped to minister to anyone especially those who have already been hurt for a lifetime and struggle daily to survive. However, I do know that I am very well equipped to tell of who saved me from not only a sure physical death at a young age but picked me up and gave me hope. I guess if anyone would ask me what changed that night on that dark road where, for me, life and death came to a crossroads and I had to choose... it was hope (which is something I had learned not to have in anything). Standing there in my pit of mire I felt a glimpse of hope in that voice that called to me and I had to choose hope, I had to see if this was it or if there was more. So in writing this I am learning that I am as well equipped as anyone, because I have a God that took this loveless, hopeless, empty shell and filled it with everything that He planned and knit in me. He showed me that in the mire there was a treasure and it would prove to stay in the test of time... Where did the pit and the mire go? Unfortunately, not far enough for me not to fall into every now and then (sometimes I jump in) but now I have hope to give me a hand out and that's everything to me.

meditation moments...

Meditate on the moment that you realized God loves you more than you could ever love him back and accepted it. Many times people confuse being saved with this process and salvation alone is the one moment that changes everything forever. This moment can be later or maybe now… it’s when you began to understand the priceless gift of love, life eternal and accepted it into your heart. Did you know that you can be saved and not accept the wholeness of your salvation? Think about it, have you accepted that God chose you (not everyone, thgis IS about you) you alone, that He loved you, or even that the thought of you apart from Him for all eternity pained Him so much, that He sacrificed His Son Jesus to make a way to be with you? Jesus (God with skin on as Eli says) loved you and was literally torn in flesh for you, accepted each nail for you and in His last breath prayed a blessing for you… can you take that in? Can you accept that you are worthy, you are precious, you are beautiful, you are adored, you are cherished and you are complete in Him. He has a plan for you, has given you gifts to share and made you exactly the way He needs and wants you to be. He cares enough for you to provide all of your needs, give you all the wants He knows you can handle and loves you enough to make sure that you are disciplined, grown and stretched to His glory.
What God isn’t… is everything else.
He alone is pure, holy and worthy of our adoration. He gives freely, loves without condition and provides hope in all situations.
I have struggled with the worldly views of that I have placed on God from my life experiences, my earthly father and hurts in my life. I viewed God as a performance-based God. As long as I was happy and successful on the outside nothing else mattered it was the outside picture I thought God cared about but now to His glory, I know that he cares only about my insides and the condition of my heart.
I urge you to evaluate your views and let God show you if you have expectations, worldly views or a distorted view of God. Let Him reveal Himself in His ways and in His glorious appearing in all situations.
I pray that we all will know Him as He wants us to and that we will long to be with Him more and more each moment. That we will strive to learn His ways and love with His love, receive his peace and bask in His joy. That we all would live complete in His lavish gift of our personal salvation.

Stepping out

Stepping out of what is comfortable is hard at times because you are going somewhere new. I don't know about you, but new is always hard for me no matter what. I am a creature of habit however, God is teaching me that habits are better left alone because once picked up, they are really hard to break, most of them are bad and a lot of times habits stand in the way of growth.
So maybe you know where God is leading you or maybe you are just following close and waiting. Either place you are can be exciting, new, scary and lonely. Sometimes, it is a virtually painless process and others, it seems, are all pain (growing pain). Sometimes comfortable is different and God provides an adjustment period to help us along and sometimes He calls us to just step out on faith.
It's funny, everyone can have an opinion and we so often forget that nothing matters but our kingdom view and where He is leading us. Our very own steps is all we can take or be responsible for, so those opinions are worthless and should be weightless too. I tend to get caught up in the weight of decisions and usually it's not my weight, it is what others think or what I think they might think... How wasteful of my time is that?
Anyway, stepping out in obedience is one of the most exhilarating moments in life because you are glorifying God by going just because He said so, without a reason or maybe without a place but, going to His glory and not ours... Anything suffered in the process I consider pure joy!

Blessings from you...

Although my birthday has come and gone God prepared my heart for the blessings that He had for me personally weeks before. As we know, I had a bit of freedom released just before that day, in which, I was so wonderfully taught that obedience comes on all different levels. I had a dear friend who reminded me that age is not a number but a new opportunity and season of growth. The last week before I turned 37, God planned for me to see several areas in which I am abundantly blessed and others that need my attention. He prepared me and made sure that I felt loved and at peace on this birthday. I did, this is the first birthday that was about celebrating God's creation of me and what that means and how far that I have evolved by knowing Him. I was doing a mental inventory of my friends and loved ones, comparing what I am now as a friend, wife, mother, sister and daughter as to what I want to be. It was just so nice to know that I am loved by my loved ones and that it can only get better as we grow.
Now that does not mean its easy, I have some really hard to love folks in my circle and it stretches me thin to love them because, at times, I honestly don't want to. But, my present from God is a gentle reminder that I can not love enough in and of myself, I will always run dry and weary. My love has to come from the eternal fountain of love in me that is Jesus Christ. I am reminded that not so long ago I was a horribly hard child to love, it was my mission. Then I began to understand that maybe as with grace, you can't love out more than you can accept in your own heart. You just have to let love overcome all pain and fear away and overflow into others. It's the same with grace it covers all sin and shame, what a wonderful present... I was brought back to the beginning, God's love for me and Jesus' gift of life all wrapped up in beautiful love and amazing grace.

Thank you Jesus for each drop of blood that was shed by you, may not a drop be wasted. With each day, may I understand a little more of the gift of my salvation and how to live that out visibly on a daily basis. May I be forever reminded of the immense love that covers me. Jesus may I learn that you are my portion, you are all I need without exception. I praise you Jesus, thank you for the life you gave and the love you pour out so freely on me.
In your most precious and holy name I pray, Amen.

Sometimes I get stifled...

Sometimes I hear the words and they just flow through my mind. At times, faster than I can write them down and I never know when it might happen, in the car, in a group, in solitude or at the store? But, there are also times that I just run dry and I have had a week or so of that here lately. I know that when this happens that I am most usually, in a different place than where God has been leading me to, somewhere down the line I stepped off the journey and lost my focus. Being who I am and the personality type that I am... that is very true to my nature and easily done.
So, what do I do? I try to place my focus on God and and kingdom thoughts. I surround myself with Godly music, like-minded friends and books that say something to my heart. I pray but usually it's a bit different a waiting and praise prayer, thanking Him for the unknown to come. God is always faithful to show me, teach me and discipline me if I am willing to receive Him. Even though the words don't flow my soul is still moving and growing because I no longer want nor am I bound by fear to stay the same. My Father loves me too much to let me wallow, be overcome by bitterness or hate, he cares for me in the ways that fit me perfectly and completely. So, the point is this... Something GOOD is on it's way!

mighty God in heaven, hear my prayer

Mighty God in Heaven hear my prayer,
you are the:
Alpha and Omega,
Rock (1 Corinthians 10:4)
Lord of glory (1 Corinthians 2:8)
Our Passover (1 Corinthians 5:7)
Word of Life (1 John 1:1)
Eternal life (1 John 1:2;5:20)
Advocate (1 John 2:1)
True God (1 John 5:20)
Shepherd and Bishop of souls (1 Peter 2:25)
Chief Shepherd (1 Peter 5:4)
Mediator (1 Timothy 2:5)
Ransom (1 Timothy 2:6)
King of Kings (1 Timothy 6:15; Revelations 17:14)
Blessed and only Potentate (1 Timothy 6:15)
savior (2 Peter 2:20;3:18)
Lord of all (Acts 10:36)
Prince of life (Acts 3:15)
Just One (Acts 7:52)
Messiah (Daniel 9:25; John 1:41)
Chief Corner-stone (Ephesians 2:20; 1 Peter 2:6)
Head of the Church (Ephesians 5:23; Colossians 1:18)
I AM (Exodus 3:14; John 8:58)
Angel of the Lord (Exodus 3:2; Judges 13:15-18)
Renown (Ezekiel 34:29)
You are so much more than I can fathom, more than I can take in. Father, forgive me for how I fall short in my praise and worship of you. How you lift my soul and bring joy to my burdened heart. Thank you for believing in me and showing me that I am your child and you love me whole-ly, completely and perfectly. You are all I need, may I grow more and more each day in the knowledge of that truth.
Father may we as your people grow and accept your love so that we can give it freely to others. I pray that our (my) thoughts would turn from self thought to thoughts of others and where we can be your hands and feet and touch their lives. May we (I) hear and obey when you call us to go.
Father, I ask for more understanding and wisdom so that I can know your character more. I ask that in my life you would be seen long after I am gone, that you would be remembered not me. I lift up my face and look to you, for you are holy. God teach me to bring joy to you through my obedience to you in my daily life. When I feel ill-equipped may I remember that is not in me, it is you in me. May I have the willingness of flesh to step aside and let you shine out of me.
Father be glorified in me, that's all I want. In the most high name of Jesus Christ I pray, Amen

Finding freedom

There are so many different facets to freedom and today I found another. I have this blog so I can write what I feel God lays on my heart because I believe that if he wants me to hear it, then someone else could use it too. However, I am registered as hischild because I fear rejection, constructive criticism and cower at the thought of someone judging my words, so I write anonymously and tell just a few so I am not vulnerable.
The freedom I found is this... If I am seeking God and I feel He has laid something on my heart to share, then in obedience to Him I should then pass it on. In Matthew 10:27 it says "What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs". This says to me... They are not my words to be judged nor my ideas to be rejected. They are a platform on which you can stand or not, they are an opportunity to seek Him more and they are a glimpse of just who God is in us. We all have our gifts, those things that bring us joy to do and therein lies freedom. Freedom from everything except the knowledge that God loves us enough to make us unique and hand crafted by His design. He planned us specifically to accomplish His works and knows the day, time and minute that we will give in and walk along with Him. I have thought about this before but never heard God say... "You should have no fear but of Me, the rest I will handle on my own". Okay, so maybe not those exact words but I get the picture so.... Wonderfully blessed by His grace and abundant love~ Cyndi Smith